Rock Me

Chapter Three

Sophia:

I spent the next few days with Elias, explaining everything I could without going into details he needed to be older to understand. Eventually, he accepted it, saying nothing more than how much he would miss me.

Sean told him that he and Lester would be taking him to the zoo while I was gone. The mention of his favorite place had him wondering when I would be leaving. By the time Friday night rolled around, I was a mess of emotions. I sat in Elias's bed beside him. He was so close to sleep that I could see the Sandman swooping in to bring him dreams.

"Mama, can you sing my favorite song?" His sleepy little voice pulled my weight back down on the bed from where I was just about to rise.

"Sure, bud, let's get snuggled in." I tucked him tightly at my side, knowing that feeling me close would send him off to dreamland.

"Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you. By now, you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do. I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now." Before I could even get to the second verse of Oasis's Wonderwall, my sleepy boy was gone to dream and dance somewhere, and only our minds would dare let us go.

My drifting off took a lot of work. I tossed and rolled, cried till my head ached, and then cried more. I felt like I was making the biggest mistake of my life, leaving Elias. Not because I didn't trust Sean and Lester, but because my world had revolved around him for so long, I didn't know how to live outside of our life. But finally, I fell asleep only to wake up early. My coffee was bitter and cold, and my heart ached for the little boy who had been my top priority for the last few years. My head hurt from crying myself to sleep last night, and I was more than ready to back out when Elias walked through the house and into the kitchen with a toothpaste ring around his mouth and a smile on his face.

"Morning, mama. Is it zoo day?" he asked excitedly, to which I could only nod with a smile that was beyond forced.

My happy little boy jumped around, reminding me the number one reason I agreed to that meeting was to build a better future for him, and then it became a priority to save my brother before I lost him to a disease that far too many suffer from.

I couldn't lose Logan. Even when we were both at home, he was the only one who I knew without doubt loved me. Now that our parents had abandoned us both, I knew I was right, and I knew no matter how much leaving Elias hurt me, this was something I had to do.

"Come on, baby. Your breakfast is ready." I grabbed him in my arms, squeezed him, and loved him every second I could before leaving.

We laughed over breakfast. He told me stories as we got dressed, and even tried to pack both of our suitcases down the stairs because he is the "man of the house" and women shouldn't pack the heavy things.

I would have to thank Sean later for his lessons in manhood because I knew those were his words my son was speaking.

We sang Elias's favorite song again on the walk over to Sean and Lester's, played Eye Spy, and answered about a hundred questions about the zoo. When we stood on the stoop of their home, I fought back, breaking down with everything I had.

"Uncle Sean, did you know baby flamingos are gray?" Elias squealed, running past Lester without telling me goodbye.

"It is going to be okay, Soph. He is safe here, loved here, and you will be back so soon." Lester hugged me tightly before sending me on my way, and by the time I reached their hotel room, I found myself knocking in fear that it would be Toby who answered the door.

Instead, I was met with silence.

I pulled my phone out and called the number Wit had given me. When he answered, I could barely hear him because of the commotion in the back.

"Hey, Soph! What's up?" He yelled.

"I'm standing at the door of your suite. Where are you?" I tried to keep my voice low, but I quickly realized that wasn't working, so I yelled my question another time.

"Oh! I'll send you the address. Come on over." He yelled again.

Annoyed that they hadn't informed me they were checking out so early, I waited for the address outside the hotel.

When the message finally came through, I thought surely Wit had sent me the wrong address; it just didn't make any sense, but I shrugged and began the walk anyway. The weather in the city is beautiful this time of year. I used the opportunity to gather my thoughts, to relax, and to finally begin processing the nerves that had slammed into me over and over again with the thoughts that I would be in close proximity to Toby or trying to avoid him even though he would be right in front of me.

Once I reached the address, I was surprised to find people lined up at the door, waiting to enter one at a time. I got in the back of the line, still unsure what I was doing here or if I had even come to the right place. Ten minutes later, my patience was waning, so I pulled my phone out and texted Wit.

In seconds, he was running down the line, with people patting him on the back and asking him to shake their hand.

"Hey, what's all this?" I asked as he reached down and slung me over his shoulder with one arm while snatching my suitcase in his other. I beat him on his back with both of my fists, threatening his life if he didn't put me down. Those threats quickly turned to pleading as I begged him to put me down before he hurt himself, but he only ran faster through the crowd, which seemed to grow louder as he headed back into the building.

Once my platform boots touched the tile floor, I thumped on his chest a time or two, making him snatch me by the wrists and yank me against him.

"First off, what the hell were you thinking, Wit? You could have really hurt yourself; I am two of you." I yanked my wrists from his grip and rubbed over my sides, intending to show him just how much bigger I am when my palms met the curvy surface that was once more flesh than bone; then I realized I wasn't that girl I used to be.

"Second, why are we here?" I crossed my arms, knowing not even the hug I was giving myself would prevent my body dysmorphia from rearing its head again and again.

"First," Wit stepped into me again, towering over me, getting me drunk on the smell clinging to his skin. "You are now and always have been a runt compared to me. Get used to it, sweetheart. I could throw you anywhere I wanted without warning, and when it comes to crowds like the one outside, you may as well get used to riding on someone's shoulder because that was not the last time it would happen on this tour." I swallowed hard.

"Second, our drummer is having elbow surgery next week, and we are scouring the city for someone to fill in for him while he recovers." He grabbed my hand again. His hand was rough from years of playing bass and warm with his body heat. My stomach fluttered. He smelled delicious and intoxicating. The cologne that clung to his clothes, mixed with the mint of his gum, had my head spinning and my stomach swirling.

He smelled warm, like sandalwood and lust, a scent that quickly became engraved on my brain.

He pulled me towards the rows of seats lined up, with Toby and Logan occupying two of the five, plus a man I didn't recognize but one who quickly stood with my brother and Toby to greet me.

Logan pulled me in first. His hug was familiar and comforting, and I fell into it, squeezing him hard.

The stranger was next to greet me with a wide smile.

"Hi, my name is Weston. I'm the drummer. Holy hell, she smells like cake!" He hugged me with his arm that wasn't in a sling, and I laughed, hugging him back while introducing myself.

"Look over, Weston. He has the attention span of a buttered roll." Wit chuckled.

Before I could turn back to Wit to accept the seat he was offering me between him and Logan, Toby pulled me in for a hug, enveloping me in another scent that quickly burned into my mind the same way Wit's had, but it burned me like a wildfire spreading through my limbs. I was drunk instantly on the man. Fire and come f.u.c.k me were all I could smell.

"Thank you for coming." His deep tone, mixed with how good he smelled, shot straight through me; realization slammed into me, and I pulled away from him.

"Of course." I rattled off quickly before sitting down, trying to ignore that the father of my secret son was sitting in the same room with me. Now, the smell of his cologne was mixed with Wit's clinging to my skin like a fog desperate to cause trouble.

Not even thirty minutes in, I realized how hard this would be.

"How is everything going, Lo?" I was asking about him, about his troubles. I wanted to ask light-heartedly to avoid anything awkward, but instead, I was met with total avoidance.

"Not great, honestly. We have plucked through three cities now looking for a good fill-in for Wes and have come up empty-handed every time. I figured we would find someone in New York, but I'm starting to believe there just isn't anyone who will fit well with our group." He turned up the cup I assumed was coffee, only to be knocked down by the smell of liquor.

"Jeez, Lo. It's not even ten in the morning." I took the cup, gave him my coffee, and stood to throw the old one away.

"He'll get the shakes without it," Weston said, wide-eyed and worried.

"Fret not, golden retriever, I have just the thing." I dug through my bag and pulled out a glass bottle, still chilled from being in the fridge the last few days.

"Drink that." I could see the rage in Logan's eyes, a rage I returned with my own glare.

"Stop looking at me like that, Logan. Your friends have kept you safe while you were on your benders, but I am not here to enable you or your s.h.i.t behavior. Now, stop being a baby and drink this.

He took the bottle I was offering with a scowl, opened it, and turned it up, drinking half of it before the taste set in.

"Ugh, what is this?" His disgusted expression made me laugh, but I only took the bottom of the bottle and tilted it, making him drink the rest before giving him a cold bottle of water.

"It's a tincture I made; it'll keep the withdrawal symptoms away while you work on your mental health and get clean." I sat down finally as the boys went quiet. I assumed they were waiting for Logan to lash out at my honesty because when he took the bottle of water to wash down the aftertaste, they exchanged a look of relief.

"Next!" Weston called out as a man with blonde hair nervously clutching drumsticks rushed out to take a seat behind the set on the small stage.

"Introduce yourself and tell us how long you have been playing," Logan said before gulping down the rest of the bottle of water that I quickly and happily replaced with another, making him roll his eyes.

"My name is Aaron, and I have been playing for around a year and a half."

"Go ahead, Wit grumbled with a look of defeat." I knew by the look in their eyes they already disapproved of the kid despite him sounding pretty good. With some well-rounded practice, he could be great. It seemed each person who stepped on the stage after was just trying to get close to members of their favorite band and couldn't play at all, or people who could play but didn't have the personality the boys thought would fit well with them. Which I understood. With Logan's delicate condition and the close living proximity of a tour bus, the person they pick must fit well with the band.

As the last person walked out, a burly guy with thinning hair and a lousy attitude walked in.

"Did you find someone?" He grumbled.

"Nope." Wit was the one to answer.

"Come on, guys! This is New York City! Someone here would have to be able to play drums and get along with you a.s.s holes. Find someone today, or the tour is canceled!" He roared before stomping off.

"Wow! He is so charming!" I mocked, taking a drink of the coffee I had used to distract myself from how good Toby smelled.

"Yeah, a real gem." Toby chuckled. But, as I planned, I just ignored him.

"He's right, though. Someone has to be a fit." Logan barked, rumbling through the files of the people who had auditioned.

"Tomorrow is the first show. If we can't decide on someone before then, I can try to play it out as best as I can with my good arm until we can decide." Weston said, twirling a drumstick in his fingers.

"I could help." I shrugged, thinking that, given how much time I have spent with these guys, other than Weston, in my life, I could surely help go through the files and narrow down their options.

"How did we not think of that before now?" Logan croaked.

"We're ignorant; of course, the answer is Sophia! She helped us get started in the first place. Get up there and show us what you got, Soph." Wit urged, but I froze. I hadn't played anything regularly since I had Elias.

"I don't play anymore. I just meant I could help go through the applicants." I said softly. I wasn't ready for the looks I feared they would give me.

"What do you mean you don't play anymore? You're in Juilliard." Logan snarled with anger at my refusal.

"I haven't been in Julliard for a long time, Lo. You aren't the only one who has changed the last few years." I didn't mean to sound hateful or to make his anger fade to hurt.

"Fine. Let's load up. We're wasting time." He slammed the files closed, grabbing the bottle of water. The tincture I made would make him extremely thirsty in addition to everything else it would do for him.

"Fine," I mumbled, grabbing my suitcase, which Toby quickly snatched away.

"I've got it. I don't need help." I gripped the handle roughly, unwilling to let him help me.

"I know you don't need help. But I'm helping anyway. Let's get on the bus." He pulled it from my grip and took off with it. They were all four irritable in addition to everything else, and the only thing I could do was roll the tension from my neck and remind myself why I was doing this.

A reminder that seemed entirely too small as we left the city that I fled to for safety, for secrecy.