Feelings of a Broken Girl (Tagalog)

Chapter 4

He's smiling while feeling the breeze coming from the shore. He's at a beach somewhere. What a good-looking person. I would not hide that fact. He's handsome. Coming from a good family, he's like an actor from the KDramas I watch every now and then. 

Maybe he's going to give my notebook back. Maybe that's the reason why he wanted to meet me up. I think he's not that bad. He may be arrogant and irritating, but I still could not hide the fact that he saved me from my attempt of ending my life.

I sighed.

I got up and readied myself to meet him at the park. I took a shower and put on a simple yellow dress with white belt lace. I wore my gladiator sandals, did my hair, and put on light make up. My face has been pale since my sister's death. I look like a vampire. Like I have no blood running though my veins. I may be living in this world but then, I feel like I'm lifeless. 

I left my room and went to the kitchen. I got one slice of bread, shoved it my mouth and left. Since it's six forty-five in the morning, I decided to take a walk. Just now, I want to feel the cold breeze of the morning.

As I was walking with my bread in my mouth, I was thinking if Dane has been like that since birth? I envy him for having a good life. He has a happy life. Based on his profile, I cannot deny that all of his posts bring good vibes. 

I stopped from walking.

Now, I'm starting to pity myself. What am I doing with my life? 

Lia, will you stop it, please? 

My eyes started to blur. Naiiyak tuloy ako sa nangyayari sa buhay ko.

Am I that bad? Am I that bad to have a miserable life like this? 

"Lia." A voice of a guy called my name.

Huh? Who's that?

Did I hear him?

Grabe, I'm starting to hallucinate now. Maybe I'm going crazy. 

Pinunas ko ang mga luha ko at nagpatuloy sa paglakad sabay inubos ang bread ko. But even before I step my foot forward, someone grabbed my hand from behind.

"Lia, it's me."

No. 

My heart started to pound. Was it really him? For me to know, I slowly turned to see if this was all real. If he's real. At nang makaharap ko na ang taong tumawag sa akin, napatakip ako sa aking bibig.

"I came back, to see you."

"Justin?" I whispered his name.

"Yes, it's me," he answered and shyly smiled at me. Just before I smiled at him, someone grabbed my other hand. As if the person who grabbed my hand doesn't want me to respond to Justin.

"Let go," the familiar voice ordered.

Wait, what? Nawala ang ngiti ni Justin and it became serious as dead.

What's happening? Why am I in between of these two good-looking guys as if I was doing what the KDrama protagonists that I watch was doing?

"Sino ka ba? Let go instead," sagot ni Justin.

"I'm her boyfriend, so back off." Hinila niya ako palapit sa kanya with slowmo effect and  my face bumped onto his chest. Ngayon ay alam ko na kung sino itong mapangahas na lalaking humila sa akin.

~*~

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What. The. Heck. Is. Happening?

Nasa KDrama ba ako? Is this one of the scenes na napapanood ko from my beloved KDramas? If so, sana sina Lee Min Ho at Ji Chang Wook na lang ang nag-aagawan para sa akin. Sigh.

Tsaka ano bang problema ng dalawang 'to? Feeling ba nila nasa KDrama din sila?

"Will you, please, let me go? Both of you?" I finally said to them.

Hinatak ako ni Dane and I bumped on his chest hard. Again. Naramdaman ko ang impact ng paghila niya sa'kin. And wow, ang hard ng dibdib niya. He's physically fit, I guess. 

My gawd, Lia, seriously? At this moment ganyan ang iniisip mo? Go back to your senses!

"Baby," Justin called me. He was staring at me, like, something precious was taken away from him. And his eyes... I wasn't sure if he was sad, angry, or both. I could not read them. 

After all this time, iyon pa din ang tawag niya sa'kin? Matutuwa sana ako kung ibabalik ko ang dalawang taon na lumipas. 

"Justin," I called his name for the first time— after two years. "I'm glad you're here again," I smiled at him. Sadly, it did not reach my eyes.

"Leave my girlfriend alone," Dane butted in with all seriousness in his body. 

Wait, what?

"Anong pinagsasabi--," 

"Let's go," anito. Hinatak niya ako palayo kay Justin at mabilis na nakalayo sa kanya dahil sa sobrang laki ng hakbang niya. Halos madapa na ako sa kakalakad niya ng mabilis! Anong problema ng lalaking 'to? Nakalayo na kami kay Justin pero tuloy pa din siya sa pagkaladkad sa'kin. 

"Dane, let me go!" pagpupumiglas ko. Binawi ko ang kamay ko. Ramdam ko kung gaano kahigpit 'yong hawak niya sa aking kamay. Napatigil kami sa isang phase ng village namin. "What's that all about, ha?!" galit kong tanong. 

"Saving you from that asshole?" Parang nagtatanong pa siya, eh, ang seryoso niya kanina no'ng gumawa siya ng eksena!

"Ano? Ikaw ang mukhang asshole! Bakit mo ginawa 'yon?" I crossed my arms, demanding an explanation.

"Whoa, I was just rescuing you. Mukha ka kasing nakakita ng multo kanina no'ng nakita mo siya," sabi niya tsaka ibinulsa ang dalawang kamay sa kanyang pants.

Sana man lang lumapit muna siya at nagtanong kung may problema, di'ba? Hindi 'yong lalapit siya at sasabihing girlfriend niya ako.

Wait, girlfriend?

"Sinabi mo pang girlfriend mo ako! What were you thinking?! Sinong nagsabi sa'yong girlfriend mo ako, ha?!"

Kinati niya ang loob ng tainga niya na parang nabibingi. "Alam mo, maganda ka sana kaso lagi kang sumisigaw." And then he winked at me. What the—!

Nag-init bigla ang pisngi ko. Ano ba naman ang lalaking 'to. Napaka-carefree niya, nakakainis.

"Alam mo, ibigay mo na lang sa'kin ang notebook ko nang magkalimutan na tayo dito," wika ko. 'Yon lang naman ang pinunta ko dito, eh. 'Yon lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit ako nakipagkita sa kanya. I just want my notebook back. 

I'm afraid to ask kung nakita ba niya 'yong laman ng notebook ko? Kung binasa ba talaga niya? Sana naman hindi. Walang pwedeng makabasa no'n. 

"Did you..." I trailed off. Kinakabahan akong magtanong. Siguro wala naman siyang binasa, di'ba? "Did you read what's in it?" 

"Yep," sagot niya na parang wala lang sa kanya ang laman ng notebook ko. Na parang hindi buhay ko ang nakasalalay. I wrote my whole heart in there. I wrote everything in there. Everything that I feel. Everything that had happened in my life. I felt like he read me just like that. Like, I don't matter at all. 

Okay, pwede na akong mamatay. Lupa, kainin mo na ako!

"Bakit mo binasa?!" My whole life is in ruins now. 

"Don't worry, you're safe. Chill." he chuckled. Sarap lamutakin ng mukha niya. Oo gwapo siya pero wala akong paki! 

"A-anong nabasa mo?" 

"Hmm." Nag-isip siya sandali.

"Wag," I told him. "Whatever you've read, 'wag mo na lang ipagsabi. Kalimutan mo na 'yong mga nabasa mo." Inilahad ko ang kamay ko. "Nasaan na?"

Lumukot ang noo niya na parang hindi maintindihan ang mga pinagsasabi ko sa kanya. But after three seconds ay parang mayroon siyang na-realize at ngumisi sa akin.

"I won't tell anyone," he said. "But," he added. Inilapit niya ang kanyang mukha sa aking tainga at may sinabi na ikinagulantang ng mundo ko. "You have to date me." At doon na nga nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Ano daw? Nabingi yata ako.

Date?

"Anong date ang pinagsasabi mo?!" Tumingin ako sa kanya ng masama. Lumayo naman siya sa'kin at ngumiti ng nakakaloko.

"I told you, madali akong kausap. If you don't want it, then, you should ready yourself."

"What do you mean?" Nakakataas ng prisyon ang lalaking 'to! 

"By tomorrow, alam na ng lahat sa campus ang nakasulat sa notebook mo. You want that?" Ibinulsa niya ulit ang mga kamay niya with a smug on his handsome and mysterious face.

"Ang sabi mo ibabalik mo na ang notebook ko ngayon?!"

He chuckled. "Ibabalik ko kapag na-fall ka na sa akin," he said confidently. He even had the nerve to wink at me!

"Alam mo, that. Will. Never. Happen," I assured him while throwing him a deadly stare. 

"I will make it happen," he simply said, giving me another wink and I rolled my eyes. I guess I just met the most conceited person on earth.

"Alam mo, whatever you're planning? It won't come true. It will not happen, okay? Give my notebook back. Now." 

I heard him tsked. "Ang tigas ng ulo." Hinatak niya akong muli at lumakad pa ng konti hanggang sa makarating kami sa harap ng isang kotse at pinilit akong pinapasok doon.

"Hoy!" Ano sa tingin ng lalaking 'to ang ginagawa niya! "Kidnapping na 'to, hoy! Dane!"

Lumipat siya sa kabilang pinto ng kotse at pumasok para mag-drive. "Just keep quiet and relax, okay? You're so annoying," naiirita niyang bulyaw sa'kin. Sinamaan niya pa ako ng tingin. 

"Saan mo ba ako dadalhin?" I crossed my arms. 

"You'll see when we get there," seryoso niyang sagot. He went from cocky to being cold again. As cold as ice. Okay, I guess he's not in the mood to argue with me. Maybe he got tired? 

Ayan. Mahiya ka sa sarili mo, Lia. Para ka kasing hindi babae. Kung makasigaw ka para kang nagba-battle cry sa isang war. I told myself mentally.

Pinaandar niya ang sasakyan at nagkaroon ng katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa. I did not expect na ganito pala ang mangyayari ngayong araw. Hindi kasi ako sanay ng ganito. Sanay akong mag-isa. School-bahay lang ang inaatupag ko araw-araw. And most of the time, nagkukulong lang ako sa aking kwarto with my KDramas and my notebook. Sometimes I hang out with Jer kapag medyo nababagot ako sa kwarto ko. My room is my safe haven. Kapag nagne-nega ako, sa kwarto ko agad ako tumatakbo. After my sister died due to the accident, never ko nang nakita ang sarili ko na masaya, na nakikipag-interact sa ibang tao. I isolated myself. Sinisisi ko pa din ang sarili ko sa nangyari sa kapatid ko. Iyon kasi ang palaging sinasabi ng mga magulang namin. Kasalanan ko kung bakit siya namatay. But at the same time, I get jealous of her. Kahit wala na siya, siya pa din ang hinahanap-hanap nila. Ang sakit. Kumikirot pa din ang sugat sa puso ko. I love my sister so much. Sana ako na lang talaga ang namatay at hindi siya. Siguro, sa ganoong paraan, matutuwa na sa'kin ang mga magulang namin.

May isang kamay na nag-abot sa akin ng panyo. Pagtingin ko kung sino, si Dane. 

"You're crying again," he told me softly. Tinitingnan niya ako sa rearview mirror, naka-stop pala ang sasakyan dahil may mga dumadaan. Tiningnan ko lang din siya sa salamin saglit ngunit umiwas rin kaagad ako. Sa bintana ko ibinaling ang aking atensyon. 

"Hindi ako umiiyak," sagot ko sa kanya. Hindi ko inabot ang panyo dahil hindi ako sanay na may nag-aalala sa akin. I can take care of myself. 

Because no one did that to me when I need it the most.

Ipinarke niya ang kotse sa All Bloom Café at lumabas ng kotse. Kumatok siya sa bintana kung saan ako nakaupo. Binuksan ko naman iyon. "Labas ka," he told me.

"Bakit?" 

"Just get out of there, will you?" aniya at nag-roll eyes pa ito. Ang sungit!

"Ano ba kasi gagawin natin dito?" tanong ko nang makalabas sa kotse.

"We're on a date." Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at hinatak na naman ako papasok sa Café.

Date?! Seryoso ba talaga siya?!

Binawi ko ang kamay ko sa kanya kaya napatigil siya sa paglalakad at humarap sa'kin.

"Playing hard to get, huh?" he said smirking.

"Ano ba, Dane! Ang pinag-usapan natin ibabalik mo ang notebook ko, di'ba? Ayoko 'tong trip mo, kaya please lang give my notebook back. Now!"

He crossed his arms and told me something that I should take as a warning and that I should follow him as what he wanted me to do.

"You want your notebook back? Then, date me. Before I give you your notebook back, you have to date me 'til the semester ends. If you don't, I will burn your notebook in front of your face," he warned menacingly. All of a sudden, he wasn't the guy I met few days ago. I felt really scared at that moment. I saw something sinister on his face that made me step backwards to support myself. 

Did I just hear him right? It felt like he would crush my world in my face if I wouldn't date him. Kahit gusto kong isipin na pinagti-tripan niya lang ako ay hindi ko magawa. He was serious as hell.

"You're so cruel!" It was all I could spit on him. Hindi ko akalain na kaya niyang gawin 'yon. Iyong mga nakita sa f*******: profile niya, his smiles... totoo ba ang lahat ng iyon? 

Why did he look like he's going to hurt me at that moment?

"Sundin mo ang sinabi ko kung ayaw mong masunog ang notebook mo," he warned me again at muli, hinatak niya ako sa loob ng Café. Nang makaupo kami, I was able to go back to reality and glared at him. 

"Okay, babe, what do you want to eat?" he asked. He smiled at me like nothing happened. What the fudge? What's wrong with this guy? Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Kanina kulang na lang paluin niya ako, pagalitan ng sobra at takutin. Ngayon naman para siyang boyfriend na nagtatanong kung anong gustong kainin ng girlfriend niya. 

Okay, Lia, just go with the flow. Do what he was telling you to do and he will surely give your notebook back. Just relaaax. I told myself.

I breathe heavily and told him, "Sure, babe. I want a banoffee and cappuccino." I smiled at him as well, but deep inside, I was murdering him with all my might.

Itinaas niya ang isang kilay niya sa akin na parang may mali sa sinabi ko. But he just breathe and gave me his signature smirk. "That's all, babe?" he asked.

"Yes, please," sagot ko. Before he called the waiter, he told me something I did not expect.

"Ang cute mo," anito. And the waiter came to get our orders. I think my cheeks just turned red.

Am I really doing this?

Usually sa ganitong araw ay nagkukulong na ako sa kwarto at nanonood na ng mga paborito kong KDramas. Pero ngayon? I'm dating this guy na nagpapasakit ng ulo ko. My gawd. I wanna wake up from this nightmare.

I'm the type of person na mas gustong mapag-isa, sipping a cup of coffee sa isang relaxing na Café while doing school works on my laptop. And yes, nandito nga ako sa isang Café... dating this annoying guy.

Who just saved me from my misery, and the same person who is also blackmailing me.

How nice, right?

Napatingin ako sa kanya at napansin ko na nakatingin siya sa akin-- scratch that, he's staring at me.

"What are you staring at?" Kumunot ang noo ko nang itanong ko iyon sa kanya. Medyo may inis sa tono ng boses ko. Ikaw ba naman titigan na parang may mali sa pagmumukha mo? 'Yong parang iniisip niya siguro na 'bakit kaya nag-eexist ang taong ito?' mga gano'n ba. 

"Nothing," he said. "Bakit mo naman naisipang magpahulog sa building?" he asked curiously.

"Wala ka na doon." Why would I answer him? Mukha naman kasing curious lang siya na parang wala naman siyang paki kung gawin ko man iyon. Sa katunayan pinagtripan pa niya nga ako, di'ba? At inaway pa ako matapos niya akong sagipin. At nandito ako ngayon dahil sapilitan niya akong gustong i-date, my gawd, hindi ko inaasahan na mangyayari 'to lahat sa'kin. 

"Hindi mo ba inisip na kapag ginawa mo iyon, maraming maaapektuhan?" he asked sipping his cup of coffee. 

Wow, talaga ba? Hindi ko in-expect na itatanong niya iyon. Coming from him, 

di'ba? Isang mapang-asar na nilalang, isang nilalang na ayokong nakikita dahil ginugulo niya ang tahimik kong buhay. I mean, magulong buhay ko. Tahimik in a way na walang buhay, walang excitement. Puro miseries lang. 

"Walang maaapektuhan, no one cares," I told him. My voice is going to crack. Ayokong maiyak kaya naman kinuha ko ang capuccino ko at kunwaring iniinom ito. 

"How about me?" he asked suddenly. Napatingin naman ako ng mabilis sa kanya. Nakatingin lang rin siya sa akin.Hindi ko mabasa ang nasa isip niya na naging rason para makaramdam ako ng kaba. I don't know if this is excitement or maybe... some kind of danger? I don't know. He looks mysterious. The way he talks, the way he looks at you or stares at you... para bang kinikilatis ka ng mga ito. Para bang may alam siya sa'yo kahit ngayon lang kayo nagkakilala. At dahil doon, it's like he's pulling me towards him kahit na anong gawin kong paglayo. 

It's so weird. 

"Are you serious?" I rolled my eyes. He just blackmailed me and now he's asking me that? My gawd! How irritating! Naalala ko na naman ang mga pinanggagawa niya sa'kin!

He chuckled and took a sip of his coffee, "Of course, I am. Itatanong ko ba kung hindi?"

"'Yong mga katulad mo kasi mukhang hindi mapagkakatiwalaan," prangkang sabi ko sa kanya at saka sumubo ng banoffee. 

Hinawakan naman niya ang dibdib niya na kunwari nasaktan. "Ouch, ang sakit."

Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at nag-focus na lang ako sa kinakain ko. I wanna go home. Nami-miss ko na ang mga KDramas ko. Isang episode na lang ang hindi ko pa natapos. By now, dapat nakadalawang episode na ako sa bagong papanoorin ko.

"Hindi mo man lang ako pinansin. Ang sakit, ah," he said.

"Wala akong panahon sa mga kaartehan mo, Dane," maarte pa siya sa'kin, grabe.

"Biro lang," aniya at tumawa siya. Seriously? Hindi ko din maintindihan ang taong 'to, "By the way, sino pala 'yong lalaki na humihila sa'yo kanina?"

"Wala ka na do'n," tipid kong sagot.

"Ang sungit mo talaga," he said and smiled at me. "Mas lalo ka tuloy nagiging cute." Kinuha niya ang phone niya at iniharap ang camera sa'kin sabay kinuhanan ako ng picture.

"Dane! What are you doing?!" 

"Taking a picture of you?" tanong pa niya habang busy sa pagtingin sa kinuha niyang picture. He was smiling like crazy, napaka playful ng taong 'to.

"Look," he said excitedly. Iniharap niya sa'kin ang picture and I think I'm going to die.

"What have you done?!" I screamed. Napatingin ang ibang customers sa gawi namin. My gawd, lupa kainin mo na ako! Tawa siya ng tawa habang namumula ako sa inis!

He posted the photo on f*******: with a caption saying, 'my girlfriend <3'

"Dane, I'm not into your sick games, please just leave me alone. I wanna go home. At i-delete mo 'yan ngayon," utos ko sabay humalukipkip.

"Wow, you already got some likes in just a minute," he said playfully. Oh, my gawd, what am I gonna do with my life now? He's making it worse!

"Dane, delete that post or I'm going to punch your face right here, right now," I warned him. And I'm deadly serious about this.

"Punch me then," he smirked.

And I did as I was told.

And then iniwan ko siya doon.

I took my phone out and called Jeremy. Sana hindi siya busy today. I wanna go somewhere with my best friend. After three rings, he answered. "Jer, are you free today? Can we meet?"

Nagkita kami sa isang restaurant at ikinwento lahat sa kanya ang nangyari. 'Yong building incident. Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin sa kanya 'yong pamba-blackmail ni Dane pati 'yong notebook. Walang nakakaalam noon kung hindi ako lang... at si Dane. Ugh! Nakakainis talaga! Kasalanan ko naman kasi talaga lahat at inaamin ko naman iyon. But, my gawd! Kailangan pa talagang humantong sa ganito? 

"Jer, hindi ko na talaga kinaya kaya sinuntok ko na siya! Don't worry may consent naman," dagdag ko pa.

"Lia, hindi mo kilala ang lalaking yon," sabi ni Jer. Hay, kung wala talaga si Jer malamang wala na ako ngayon. Siya 'yong safe haven ko maliban sa kwarto ko. He's all I've got. Minsan naiisip ko na ang selfish ko, kasi hindi pa siya nagkaka-lovelife ng dahil sa'kin. Ang gusto niya lang daw maging safe ako which I think na napaka-unfair sa part niya. Kaya kapag nakalabas na ako sa gulong ginagawa ni Dane sa buhay ko, ihahanap ko siya ng girl para sa kanya. Blind date ba. 

Lumipat ako ng upuan at tumabi sa kanya. "I know, Jer. Kaya nga gusto ko na siyang mawala sa landas ko ang kaso--" I cut myself off. Muntik ko nang masabi 'yong about sa notebook na susunugin ni Dane kapag hindi ako nakipag-date sa kanya.

"What?" Jer asked. His brows furrowed.

"Ang kaso— ang kaso ayaw niya! Pinagti-tripan niya ako, Jer!" palusot ko.

Napabuntong hininga siya. "Isa lang ang naisip kong paraan."

"Talaga? Ano? Go ako diyan makawala lang ako sa taong 'yon," pagmamaka-awa ko sa best friend ko.

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at tiningnan ako sa mata. "Sabihin mo sa kanya na boyfriend mo ako."

And I stopped.

Napatitig tuloy ako sa mata niya. We're staring at each other now. His eyes were longing. 

"Why would she do that kung ako na ang nauna?" someone asked from behind me.

No...

No, this can't be happening.

"Babe, malakas ka palang sumuntok, lalo tuloy akong tinamaan sa'yo," he said. He grabbed my hand and took me away from Jer without my consent.

And I died mentally while being dragged by this alien.

"Hoy! Ano ba! Bitiwan mo nga ako!" At binitawan niya nga ako.

"Kakaiba ka talaga," he said smirking habang hinihimas ang gilid ng labi niya. 

Serves him right.

"Tapos na ang date natin. But,"  sabi niya at kinuha niya ang kanyang phone at iniharap sa'kin. "You have to go with me tomorrow after our classes." Binasa ko ang comment and na-double dead ako, "Gusto kang makita ng mommy ko. She wants to meet my girlfriend." He winked at me. "See you tomorrow, babe." And then he kissed my cheek and waved goodbye. Tila natuod ako sa kinatayuan ko.

I'm so dead.

I'm so frustrated right now.

What was that stare from Jer? Why was he looking at me like that? Parang may gusto siyang sabihin na ewan. Pati na itong si Dane, my gawd! Nakakaubos siya ng energy! The more na iniiwasan ko siya ay doon naman siya mas dumidikit. Nakakainis! Ayoko na!