Feelings of a Broken Girl (Tagalog)

Chapter 1

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love." -Warsan Shire

~*~

Have you ever thought of ending your life?

Because I did. Like, multiple times. If you're going to ask me why would I think such a thing, believe me, I also don't know. It's like it would be the only solution. I feel miserable. I feel worthless. What's the point if I keep on living in this world?

Then I pressed 'post'.

Good thing, may nakita akong isang website na pwede kong mapagbuhusan ng nararamdaman. Ang maganda pa sa website na ito ay walang makakakilala sa'yo. In other words, you can tell everything you want.

Ang hirap kasi kapag tinatago mo na lang palagi 'yong nararamdaman mo. 'Yong binabaon mo sa puso mo ang lahat ng sakit na nagiging rason para mas lalo kang maapektuhan at masaktan.

"Here we go again. Earth to Lia!" sigaw ni Jeremy sa tainga ko. "Nilamon ka na naman ng kawalan," aniya pa sabay upo sa tabi ko.

"Palagi mo na lang akong sinisigawan sa tainga. Nakakahalata na 'ko, ah," naiinis kong sabi sa kanya.

"Hello naman sa'yo. Ilang taon ko na 'tong ginagawa sa'yo 'di ka pa rin ba sanay?" sabi ni Jeremy.

Napabuntong hininga na lang ako. I've been like this since my sister died. She is my best friend. She is everything to me. I will never forget that moment two years ago.

She was crying in pain after a ten-wheeler truck hit our car. She was the one who got the most damage.

She was bathing in her own blood. She was asking for help. She was reaching my hand with her remaining strength, but I failed to reach her hand because more debris of metals fell onto her. I was just there— watching her die like that. I couldn't scream. No words were coming out from my bloodied mouth. I was in total shock. I was just there, lying on the road, like, I was just having a nightmare.

That was all I remembered after waking up in the hospital. Hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa rin 'yong sakit na wala na siya. Wala na si Liz.

"Lia." Hinawakan ni Jeremy ang kamay ko. Bakas sa kanyang mukha ang pag-aalala. "Basta nandito lang ako palagi, okay?" He's doing his best to assure me. He always have.

"Aww, Jer naman, thank you, ha?" Sumandal ako sa balikat niya. "Kasi nandiyan ka palagi para sa'kin, 'di ka tuloy nakakahanap ng ka-forever mo." Concern naman ako sa love life niya, wala pa kasi siyang nagiging girlfriend since first year college.

"Lia, I would rather stay with you than find someone na 'di ko pa naman gustong hanapin," he said with conviction. He's staring intently and sincerely at me.

Umayos ako ng upo at kunwaring nagulat with matching takip pa ng bibig. "Oy, Jer! 'Di kaya bading ka?" asar ko sa kanya. The truth is, hindi ko siya kayang titigan kagaya ng ginagawa niya sa'kin ngayon. Kung iisipin, para bang sinasabi niya na ako 'yong gusto niya. Knowing Jeremy, alam kong best friend lang ang turing niya sa akin. He's hot, though. But I don't want to think about him beyond our friendship.

"Really?" tamad na wika niya at ibinaling ang tingin sa kaklase naming lalaki na si Ian na kasalukuyang nakikipagtawanan sa mga kabarkada niya. I knew it was just a joke. He's a boy-next-door type of guy. 

"Ano, Jer?" tanong ko. Hindi ko masyadong narinig 'yong sinabi niya kasi naman busy ako sa pagsunod sa tingin niya.

"Wala, sabi ko ang ganda mo. Balik na ako do'n sa upuan ko, padating na niyan si Sir."

'Tong lalaki na 'to talaga. Minsan hirap din kausap nito, eh. Pero 'di ko pagpapalit 'yang best friend ko na 'yan. Siya na lang kasi ang kakampi ko. Siya na lang ang naniniwala sa kakayahan ko, siya na lang 'yong nagpaparamdam na may halaga pa ako. Kaya kung wala siya sa buhay ko, malamang sumunod na ako kay Liz.

Habang hinihintay namin ang Professor namin, I opened my small notebook and read some of my secret notes. It's my diary. No one knew about these secret notes. Even Jeremy. Baka kapag nabasa niya ang mga 'to, baka isugod na niya ako sa Mental Institution.

Naisipan kong basahin ang isang page ng mga notes.

They keep on saying that it was all my fault.

Mom says it was my fault. That I was the one who killed my sister.

That I shouldn't have asked her to go out that night. 

Was it really my fault that a drunk truck driver was driving so fast and who, by the way, violated traffic lights?

Liz died. 

I saw everything. 

Everything that had happened that night.

If there is anything I could do, I want Liz to live. 

And me to die.

"Good morning, class." Isinara ko kaagad ang notebook nang marinig ko ang boses ng Professor namin.

Hindi ko na ma-contain ang sakit at bigat ng nararamdaman ko. It made my emotional wounds open. Nawala na ako sa huwisyo at nagsimula na naman ang pag-flashback ng mga nangyari noon. My tears started to fall uncontrollably. Patakbo akong lumabas ng room habang nagsisilipatan sa kanya-kanyang upuan ang mga kaklase ko.

As I was running, I kept on talking to Liz with my thoughts.

Liz, bakit gano'n? Bakit ako ang sinisisi ni Mommy sa pagkamatay mo? Bakit niya sinasaktan ang puso ko? Halos araw-araw na lang niyang pinaparamdam sa'kin ang pagkawala mo. Sana ako na lang 'yong namatay. Sana ako na lang 'yong pinanood mong mamatay habang natatabunan ng mga malalaking metal na dala ng truck. Para akong niyayakap ng masalimuot na pangyayaring 'yon sa araw-araw na pamumuhay ko, Liz. Sana nga 'di na kita niyayang lumabas ng gabing 'yon. Sana hanggang ngayon kasama pa din kita. Miss na miss na kita, Liz.

Hindi ko na namalayan na umakyat na pala ako sa 7th floor ng building namin. Ang roof deck. Wala ako sa sarili habang lumalapit ako sa edge ng building as if someone was telling me to just jump. Yeah. That dark cloud's here again. It said it would only hurt a little and then no more pain. 

Tagaktak ng luha at pawis ang aking mukha at leeg. Nakikita ko na 'yong mga tao sa ibaba. They were like ants scattered all over the open field. And, yes, I am going to end my life.

Itinapak ko ang isa kong paa sa edge ng building. Para akong sinasama ng hangin sa lakas nito. But who cares? I'm going to die, anyway. Bago ko pa maitapak ang isa ko pang paa, someone grabbed my waist and pulled me down with him.

"Let me go!" sigaw ko sa kanya habang naglulupasay mula sa kanyang pagkakahawak sa akin na akala mo nagnakaw ako sa kanya at nahuli niya ako.

"If you want me to let you go, then stop dancing like that!" sigaw niya.

What? Dancing?

"I'm not dancing! Can't you see? I'm trying to remove your long arms around me!" I corrected him while doing wrestling with him.

"Then, stop dancing!"

Oh, my gosh. Really? Ang kulit niya!

"I said, I'm not dancing! Why can't you just let me go?" I was starting to get really pissed.

"And if I do, what would you do next? Kill yourself? As far as I remember my brain still functions quite normal. So, nope, I won't let you go." 

And I literally rolled my eyes. Yes, for real, at this moment.

"Yes, your small brain still functions quite well. However, you're not using it the right way for letting ourselves die in here by being burned from the heat of the sun, do you agree?" I asked him sarcastically.

Umarko ang gilid ng kanyang labi na para bang na-amuse pa sa itinanong ko. Was he for real? I couldn't believe this person.

"I could be your handsome witness then," panimula niya na akala mo isang prinsipe na nagku-kwento. "I'm gonna tell everyone that you're quite intelligent. However, you're not using it the right way for killing yourself."

"Will you just let me go?" Inis na inis na 'ko, gustung-gusto ko na siyang sipain kung hindi lang ako nakapulupot sa kamay niya ngayon.

May gana pa siyang mag-isip, bibitawan niya lang naman ako. He's unbelievable.

"In one condition," anito.

"Wala, ayoko, bitiwan mo ako," pinal kong sabi.

"Sige, pareho tayong mangingitim at masu-sun burned dito ng magkayakap," he finally decided na parang wala lang sa kanya kung mamamatay kaming magkayakap dito.

Grabe! Is he for real?! I mentally shouted at myself.

"Ano ba 'yon?!" asar na asar kong tanong sa kanya.

"Trust me," he said.