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Chapter Five: Suffocation

*** Asil's POV ***

I followed Gabriel around his grand office, feeling like a caged animal as he watched me intently. I wanted to hurl a book at his handsome face—a face that people probably did anything he asked of them. But my heart was still tied to him... to Alton. If having a broken heart could be compared to something like death by torture, then that's exactly what I was going through. When it felt like an eternity had passed in Gabriel's office, we went back to the kitchen and ate a meal prepared earlier by Meg. He usually ate with the other mansion residents but instead burdened me with his presence.

Despite my anger at being alive to deal with the turmoil inside me, I had to admit that Meg's cooking was pretty good. I didn't have much of an appetite, but I ate a little bit to show her my appreciation. The roasted chicken was succulent and juicy, with baby red potatoes soaked in a light, buttery bath seasoned with a hint of rosemary and a light sprinkling of sea salt and cracked black pepper. The steamed string beans added a nice touch of green to the plate, and the chocolate mousse was a perfect ending to the meal.

I perched stiffly on the edge of the huge bed, glaring angrily at the man who was making me sleep in his bed and wear his oversized t-shirt since Meg's clothes were too small to loan me anything. I stared at the wall, surprised that no smoke was starting to curl out from it, as Gabriel finished tucking in the bedsheets Meg had brought over for me. With them, she had also given me a soft pink thick, and warm fleece comforter and two brand new pillows.

Gabriel had set up a second bed across from his own so that he could keep an eye on me while I slept. f*****g creep. I was never going to get out of here. His shirt reeked of his musky scent, and it only fueled my anger.

"There are towels in the bathroom and Meg kindly left you some feminine bath items," Gabriel uttered, pulling me out of my foul temper.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, watching him stand there with his arms crossed over his chest. This posture made his arms appear even larger than usual. My mind was taken over with a wave of memories and my heart raced as I started to become overwhelmed. As if no time had passed, I could smell Alton's body wash and feel the warmth of his strong arms around me. My throat dried up and my chest felt like it was being compressed. My heart was aching, longing to stay in the moment, but my mind knew better, or at least it was trying to let me know better and was failing miserably.

Seeing Gabriel's muscular arms triggered memories of Alton I'd rather forget. His laugh, his eyes, everything about him hurled me into this dark abyss from which I could not escape. Everywhere I looked were reminders that made the pain more unbearable.

Inside my mind, I was screaming for help, anything to get me out.

"Asil? Are you alright?"

I could barely make out a voice in the hazy fog of my thoughts. My vision was distorted by the searing memories and overwhelming emotions that threatened to consume me.

"Asil?!"

Something was shaking my body gently. For a moment his icy blue eyes came into focus before fading away. I felt like I was suffocating; my ears ringing and my breathing rapid. Then something warm touched my forehead, slowly breaking the grip of fear on me.

My heart raced as Gabriel knelt before me, his lips pressed against my forehead. My fingernails dug into the bedsheet as I let out a loud scream.

"Stay away from me!"

I thrust my hand forward and hit Gabriel in the chest. How dare he touch me! My entire body tensed up, my skin crawled as I remembered the feeling of another person's touch without my permission. No matter how many showers I took or how hard I scrubbed, I couldn't seem to wash away their violation. Tears wetted my cheeks before I even realized it.

"I'm sorry Asil, but you were zoned out and then started hyperventilating. There wasn't anything else I could do," Gabriel said, rubbing his chest.

Rage burned through me at a speed too fast for me to control it. On one hand, I knew he meant well; on the other, the traumatized side of me raged fiercely in self-defense. I jumped from my chair, fists clenched tightly, and looked him square in the eye with deep anger.

"Mind your own damn business and keep your lips to yourself!" I shouted and pushed past him.

He moved towards me as if he wanted to stop me and I snapped back directly in his face. "Back off! Don’t worry—I am going for a shower where you won't be watching me!"

I stormed over to the bathroom which was located in his room. Once there, I looked back at Gabriel who was still staring at me with an impassive gaze A small part of me felt bad about how harsh I had been, but that only made my fury flare stronger. Shame quickly washed over me and I slammed the door shut behind me. Leaning against it, my lip quivered as tears flowed freely down my face. Curling up into a ball on the floor, all I could do was weep into my knees.

The loathing I felt towards myself was insurmountable. I despised these thoughts and feelings, this fear and anger that never seemed to go away. I wanted security—a way out from the constant barrage of self-loathing. If I were gone, I wouldn't have to live with my own mind any longer.

I lay on the ground, still as can be, allowing my feelings to settle. Part of me was expecting Gabriel to come and see if I was okay, but another part of me wanted him to just disappear and never bother me again.

Once I was able to calm my racing mind and take a break from the overwhelming feelings that had been suffocating me, I got up and took a comforting hot shower. I observed that the bathroom had been tidied and there were no sharp objects, like razors or scissors, to be found. Meg had kindly supplied me with a body wash that had a pleasant aroma of lavender and roses which surprisingly calmed my nerves.

After I had dried off, I put Gabriel's shirt back on and slowly opened the door to peek out. He was lying in the smaller bed, facing away from me, covered up. My heart raced as I worried that my movements might wake him up. I tiptoed to the bed he had set up for me earlier, and I climbed into it. Beneath the soft heavy comforter and plush pillows of the bed, I snuggled in with a deep shuddering breath. Crying always took it out of me, and so did the bought of rage and fear.

Taking one last look at Gabriel's large back, I turned over and whispered softly to myself, "I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit."

Although none of it would be heard by him, saying those words aloud made me feel a tiny little bit better.