Numb

*** Asil POV*** I trudged through the storm-soaked woods, my tears mixing with the rain. The thunder roared, and the ground squelched beneath me as I clutched the gun in one hand. I had gotten hold of a gun easily enough, but where I was headed eluded me - I merely wanted to escape from it all. The numbing effect of the bottle of pills I swallowed earlier was taking away my physical pain, but it could not take away the ache in my heart. Betrayal, grief, and guilt ate away at me as I thought back to what he had done; how he had blamed me for going off to get high with another girl only so he could f**k her the next day after disappearing on me because of a miscommunication between us the night before. "It didn't mean anything," he had said. I screamed into the forest, but no sound be overheard in this storm. "I couldn't even get hard." The bile threatened to rise up in my throat as I thought back on his betrayal like it always did when the numbness faded. "I was thinking about you the whole time." But there was no undoing what had been done. I screamed out in pain, and my throat closed with the injustice of it all. The night sky lit up with a bright flash of lightning, followed by thunder that vibrated through my chest. I could swear that I saw his hazel eyes burning into me. "I hate you!" I yelled out, feeling my throat burn from the intensity of the emotion. He knew how broken I was from past relationships and a childhood full of trauma. He tried so hard to get me to trust him and break down the walls I built around myself, but just when I began to feel something for him - love, even - that's when he became an addict. I wanted so badly for him to prioritize us over everyone else, but I quickly realized that I wasn’t even a choice anymore. His excuses always centered on something I had said or done, and then there was my own particular brand of suffering: s****l dysfunction caused by molestation as a child and rape as an adult. It was like my body had learned to shut off any kind of pleasure in order to protect itself. I loathed him. He was always demanding s*x like it was some necessary obligation that had to be completed every day. But then, some days, he would say our relationship wasn’t based on s*x. I constantly felt like I was being coerced. I felt so inadequate when he talked about his past partners. He made it sound like they never had a problem having s*x multiple times a day and that if issues ever came up, drugs were always the answer. It felt like my worth was defined by how I compared to them in the bedroom, and it was hard to ignore the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. I literally went out of my way to have s*x. I dressed up and fought as hard as I could with my body dysmorphia. But the more I heard about how I was not like the other girls, the more I hated myself. If that was even possible. I couldn't even handle the physical pain of s*x anymore due to past vaginal surgeries and PTSD; never mind enjoy it. Worst of all – he kept telling me how much he admired me and saw no flaws in me, only for me to find out later that he considered other women more attractive. How could someone who supposedly loves me think like this? I was so devoted to him that no one else mattered to me. How? Why?! My cries echoed through the forest between the angry claps of thunder as my hands shook around the gun. All I wanted was to believe that I was special and lovable. But instead, I received nothing but thoughts, words, and actions that screamed otherwise. "Stop crying!" I screamed hysterically, tears streaming down my face. "I was so foolish to trust him! I should have known he would do this to me." I felt the cold hardness of the gun against my chest as I hugged it tightly against me. "How could I be so naive?" I shouted into the night air. "A week has passed, and he still expects me to move on? To forget all that happened? How can someone be so callous?" I cried out in agony, my knees giving way beneath me until they were pressed against the ground and my forehead touched the cold earth. The pills I had taken were slowly taking their toll, but still, the thoughts raced through my mind. With the gun in my hand, I could make sure nothing like this ever happened again. No more pain, no more suffering — only a sleep that never ends. "All I wanted was to be happy," I muttered quietly. But as the last words left my lips, something seemed to catch my attention in the corner of my eye. I squinted, trying to make out what it was, but my vision was blurred, and my heart rate began to slow. Suddenly there was a loud howl from somewhere in the distance. “Please forgive me, but this is the only way out of this ultimate betrayal. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t watch my life slip away like sand through my fingers," I muttered in a broken voice to whatever greater being was waiting for my sinful arrival. My hands trembled as I raised the gun to my mouth. Part of me wanted to escape, while another part of me ached for something more. I could almost feel the cold metal pressing against my lips, and the thought of all the pain ending filled me with a strange calmness. I have been too kind to this cruel world. Gripping the trigger tightly in my hand, I felt an eerie silence fall around me. This was how it was going to end - with peace. A deep voice out of nowhere shouted, "Stop!” My heart stopped as a warm, firm, and moist force crashed into me. I felt the gunfire and heard the sound reverberate in my ears, yet oddly enough, it didn't cause any pain. I was beginning to drift away into an ever-growing darkness that was so inviting yet so unsettling. With what felt like my last breath, I whispered “forever numb” into the silent night.