Hate Me Not

Chapter 2 Hate her

Jacko Guerra

The past

I hate her to the core because everything about her reminds me of the pain i had felt and wanted to forget. I hate her for coming into our life because she ruins the relationship i have with my mom. I hate her because she is the reason why i am in pain and got a miserable life.

Every time see her face, it reminds me of the mistake dad once made on us, my rough childhood and bad experiences i had while growing up. I hate her weird smile because she looks exactly like her mom who broke our family. How could she smile like that when i am in misery?

I wish i never meet her, have forgotten the pain and the past already and now she reminds it to me. She will pay for the pain, my misery and my loss. I will make her suffer and regret for coming into our life. Living with us will not be easy one for her and that’s a promise.

These are my thoughts after watching her giggling, playing and laughing with her friends in the pool like she never cared if someone is watching her. Kararating ko lang from my business trip abroad. She doesn't even care na nasisilipan na siya ng mga kalalakihan sa kabilang bahay. Because of their noise they catch some attention from outside. Let alone they just wear a skimpy outfit, whose eyes will not freeze on that?

I can't take this anymore kaya nilapitan ko na sila. I also hate the looks from the guys eyeing her, like they are fantasizing upon her. That action is disturbing, doesn't set in me.

"Cadley, why are all here and just wearing like that? Don't you know that you have attracted some on lookers because of that outfit? Look around you?" Sigaw ko sa kanila or specifically sa kanya kasi i know she is the one na nagdala ng mga friends niya dito sa bahay. Nakita ko ang takot niya sa aking pagsigaw at i know napahiya siya sa mga friends niya.

"All of you can go home now"; sabi ko sa mga kaibigan niya at nagsialisan na din kaagad sa pool. I look at the guys above in the neighbor's terrace. Their eyes are full of fascination.

"Take off your eyesight out here, the show is over;" sigaw ko sa mga binatilyo sa taas, biglang nagsialisan sa balcony. They are college boys. I hate this kind of scene, para akong ginagago.

"Ganito ba ang ginagawa niya kapag wala ako? Kapag di ako nakatingin?" Nagngingit ang kalooban ko sa galit, nilukob na naman ang puso ko sa puot.

Every time i see her, brings back memories and the past that i wanted to forget.

I was 15 years that time when i heard my dad and my mom screaming in their room. It’s my first time to hear them arguing and screaming upon each other, then i heard mom cried. I just don’t mind them; maybe it’s just normal, some say it’s normal for a couple to have a fight, to strengthen the relationship.

When i heard them again, same situation that i heard from last time, arguing, blaming, cursing and it becomes an everyday scene; i said to myself it’s not normal anymore.

"Mom what happen? Why are you crying?" I ask her when I entered their room. Dad was already gone. I saw a lot messed around, broken things are scattered everywhere.

"Are they having a physical fight?" Questions in my mind because of what i saw. Nakita ko na magulo ang kwarto, parang may nagwawala at di ko alam kung sino sa kanila ang nagwawala.

"It is okay Jacko, just go back to your room;" sabi niya pero di ako natinag. She looks lost and defeated. Nawalan ang pagiging eligant niyang aura.

"Mom, it’s not normal anymore, why you two are fighting? Is it because dad not always at home? Bakit bihira nalang siya andito? Di naman kayo ganito dati ah." Complain ko sa kanya. Nahihirapan na din akong na marinig ang bulyawan nila and then mom crying after, it pains me inside.

"Anak may mga bagay lang talaga na di mo pa maintindihan sa ngayon, ito ay usapin ng mga matatanda;" she's trying to appease me by explaining things but none of that i understands. "Hayaan mo mag-uusap kami ng dad mo ng masinsinan, wag mo ng alalahanin yun, okay lang ako."

"Are you sure that you are okay? Do you need help in cleaning this area?" Nag-alala ako sa aking nakikita.

"Yeah i am okay, don’t worry. Bumalik ka na sa room mo, ako na ang bahala dito;" sabi niya kaya naniniwala naman ako.

Ang akala ko yun na ang huling pag-aaway ng masaksihan ko, di pa pala kasi that episode ay naging paulit ulit nalang and that becomes normal, wala ng katahimikan sa loob ng bahay namin. I always see my mom crying.

Then one late afternoon, i just came from school when i heard some commotion again.

I saw dad leaving with things in his hands, a luggage full of clothes. What does this mean? Di ko maintindihan ang lahat ng mga bagay sa time na yun. I was just there watching them arguing again. Then i heard mom begging and holding dad when dad is in our doorway, ready to leave.

"Please Jimmy, huwag mo naman kaming iiwan oh, sorry di na ako makiki-alam pa basta wag ka lang umalis;" pagsusumamo ni mom kay dad. She even bend down her knees on the floor, kneeling in front of him.

"Sorry Sherry but i have to do this, she needs me at the moment;" sagot niya habang inalis ang kamay ni mom sa pagkakahawak sa kanya. Mom is trying to stop him from moving.

"We also need you Jimmy;" pagmamakaawa pa niya kay dad but he is decided already on his plan.

"Dad, where are you going?" Tanong ko sa kanya, di ko na napigilang sumabat kasi nasasaktan na ako para kay mom na paulit ulit sa pagmamakaawa sa kanya at di niya pinakinggan.

"Jacko, takes care of your mom, ikaw na bahala dito. Aalis muna ako ng ilang araw at babalik din kaagad, sige alis na ako." Wala akong nagawa kundi ang tingnan lang si dad na umalis dala ang sasakyan niya.

"Mom, tumayo kana diyan, the floor is dirty;" sabi ko sa kanya sabay aalay patayo.

"Umalis na siya Jacko, iniwan na tayo ng dad mo;" sabi niya sa mahinang boses na nakatingin sa labas kung saan wala na si dad.

"Babalik naman daw siya eh; di ba di naman siya magtatagal sa pupuntahan niya?" Inosente ko pang tanong sa kanya and mom didn’t answer me. Little did i know na yun na pala ang huling beses na magkikita kami sa panahon na yun.

Naging tahimik ang bahay, wala ng sigawan, awayan but mom is always crying, looking devastated. I even see her drinking hard liquor to get on with the day. Kapag lasing na, I’ll put her into sleep then i would always hear her murmuring dad’s name.

"How did we end up this way?" I question myself. Before everything is really okay, their relationship goes smooth. My mom and dad are not really sweet on each other or a romantic type of a couple but they get on with each other. It’s heart breaking to see them losing one another but now it's more breaking to loss them both.

Mom is busy on her own pain not minding me anymore that i also needs her attention and time. Losing dad is like losing everything, napabayaan ni mom ang sarili, ang pamumuhay namin. We ended up struggling in our life, selling things na pwede pang mabinta. I work para lang may makain kami kahit sa murag idad ko pa lang.

I learned how hard life is at a young age na dapat di ko maranasan kung andito lang si dad, kung nagpaka-ama lang siya sa akin at naging mabuting asawa. I began to hate him. As the years pass i harbored pain and hatred in my heart towards him. For me, i don't have father, he is already dead to me.