BOUND TO HIM BY FORCE

3. THE DARK PAST

“I don’t mean disrespect. Mother, I am sorry for I know I will hurt you but I…...” Ivan trailed away, knowing the next words he would spill would have everything sour in a second.

“I want to look for my biological father’s family.” Ivan spilled the words so fast even I was knocked out of breath, even though I knew what he was going to say. My eyes were wide, tears falling as I stared at my parents.

My eyes were on mother most of all, watching her face. The words seemed not to click on her for a while and when they did, I jumped out from my chair with her standing and groaning so loudly. She picked a glass up and threw it on the floor, right next to Ivan’s chair. I thought she would strike him.

Dad was fast to wrap his arms around her as her face turned red, her eyes immediately filling with tears, chest heaving up and down.

I could see the hurt, it was too deep, staring into Ivan with it as Ivan bowed his head, tears streaming down his face. I rushed to him, wrapping my arms around him.

“Ivan.”

I had never heard mom speak in such a way ever in my life. She was always this strong woman that would kick anyone’s ass and I was sure even dad was scared of her but at that moment she sounded so broken a sob pulled from me.

“Ivan.” She repeated, Dad, holding her firmly to turn her around and bury her in his chest as mom sobbed hard.

I hugged Ivan tighter to me with his tears wetting my t-shirt, my head pounding from all the crying.

An old wound was opened, wide open with everyone left in despair. My eyes picked up to mom who was weeping. They locked with Dad’s who nodded his head, having me nod my own.

He picked up mom and walked away with her.

Well, I could not pick up Ivan but I could hold him tightly with him crying until he stopped.

“I should not have...” he said, his voice horsey.

“You feel lost, there are things about you that no one can explain. There is a family out there that does not know about you. I know you think about them every day and you wish to reach out. It was killing you and you need to find all the information so you can finally settle down. You can not let it kill you inside forever. One day it had to be talked about and this is the first step. I am sorry it was this way. I love you, it will all work out.” I said to him as he nodded his head and stared at me, then took me into his chest.

“I love you, sis.”

“I love you too, big brother. You are my world along with dad and mom.” I said to him as he smiled.

The matter of Ivan’s biological father was never mentioned ever. It was taboo. I remember I was five and Ivan was eleven when they finally gave him answers on why his hair and his eyes were so different from everyone in the house. No day passed without him asking about it and finally mom just burst out and screamed at him to stop asking stupid questions. The table had gone so quiet with Ivan crying. Dad went and pulled him to his lap to tell him how much he loved him and that he was his father but that he was not his biological father. Ivan’s biological father was a bad guy and he was killed. That was all we knew to the day.

Ivan and I knew the matter was deep but we just did not know how deep.

“You had a long flight, go take a shower to relax and get into bed, I will bring you my famous coffee that you love so much. I will clean up here.” I told him, my hand brushing up and down his arm. He sighed, his hand running through his face to stand up. I stood with him, giving him a sad smile as he stared at me for a second before turning around and walking away.

My heart broke for my whole family as I shook my head and began clearing the table while deep in thought.

When the table was cleared, I stacked the dishes in the dishwasher and let them wash while I made Ivan his cup of coffee.

I would unload the dishwasher in the morning.

The cup was in hand, walking up to the room only to stop as dad came out of their room, a hand running through his hair. He closed their door, turning to me with a ghost smile tugging on his face from my sight. I smiled back at him, opening Ivan’s door. I walked in with dad following after to close the door after him.

Ivan was sitting on his bed, still in the clothes he had been in at dinner, his hair all messy with his hands having run through it so many times. He was so out of it that he had not even heard as the door opened and closed.

“Hi. Here is your coffee.” I politely said with his head jumping up, eyes bloodshot and staring back at me then behind me. His face went pale, swallowing. I went to put the cup on his side table.

“I will leave you too to it,” I said, bowing my head in respect to walk out of there.

“No, Masha, take a seat next to your brother,” Dad said with me still where I was, turning around and going to sit next to Ivan. The room was suddenly cold, knowing that what was to come would not be good. Dad grabbed a chair and came to place it before us where he sat, legs straddled, hands interlocked on his thigh, and eyes on us.

He sighed, looking so stressed and so exhausted.

I swallowed, not knowing if I wanted to hear it. I grabbed Ivan’s hand and held it firmly, not only for him but for me too.

“This has been a sensitive matter in the house because your mother went through a traumatic experience twenty-seven years ago. She still has nightmares about it and gets triggered now and again. You will never be ready to hear this, but your mother and I think it’s time to tell you because you are both old now. You both know I had a mafia cartel and did some things I am not proud of. But most of all, we helped girls who were kidnapped and brought them back home. I made a lot of enemies for doing that and your mother paid the price…” Dad trailed away with me holding firmly, my body already shaking with my heart not taking it lightly.

“Your mother was taken to what is called a stock house. It is a marketplace where girls are sold to all the cartels. She was there for a week and she was r***d, beaten, and electrocuted every day of that week…… When I rescued her, everyone that was there was killed and two months later we found out she was pregnant.”

Ivan was shaking his head, the tears streaming down. My head lay on his shoulder as I cried my heart out. I could not believe it, my heart just shattering with the words echoing in my head over and over again, not believing it.

How?

Why?

My life was flipped around, pain I had never felt coursing through me, too much, yet imagine what Ivan felt at that moment. I held onto him so tightly with his head coming on my head. He was not even crying out; the tears were just flowing but he had such a face as if to kill someone.

His head picked up, staring at dad who was pale himself, looking away to the window. He took a deep breath, barely seeing him, my eyes clouded with tears.

Father stood up from his chair, his hand coming around Ivan’s neck, holding him firmly.

“We understand what you are feeling, my boy, and we do want to help you, just that your mother is too fragile for this. She doesn’t know who your father is, but if a picture can be shown to her, she can recognize him. I will go digging around and I will find all the information we will need to find out who your father was and his family.” Dad said, pulling Ivan to hug him. I let go of Ivan, who collapsed on dad, but dad got him, holding him firmly to him.

“It’s okay son.” Father was cooing at him as I wiped my tears away, but more kept coming, my arms wrapped around me. Arms came around me too, dad pulling me into the hug along with Ivan. Our heads were on his chest, finding comfort in his embrace.

“I love you both so much.”

“We love you too, Dad,” I said, nearly choking on my sob. There was something about his arms that brought such comfort to me, yet in my head, I just kept seeing my mother going through all the things they said she had.

“I love you dad, and I don’t want anything that will associate me with that person. I don’t want you to dig up any information on that monster. I have my family right here with me, I do not need anything else, dad.” Ivan said, pulling back from dad, wiping away his tears with his face so red as if to pop.

Dad just pulled him back to his embrace where we stayed for, I don’t know how long. The wound was even wider, the pain too much. I pulled from dad.

“Can I go see mom?” I asked, dad staring at me with a sad smile, then he shook his head.

“Let’s give her some space for a day or two,” Dad said with me paling, fresh tears coming up to fill my eyes.

“Don’t worry, she will be okay, she is strong.”

“I am so sorry dad,” Ivan spoke up, with dad smiling at him and ruffling his hair as if he was five.

“It’s okay son, we had to talk about it one day and that day is this one,” Father said back, giving us one more hug, then pulled away, already missing his warm embrace.

“I will go now; I will see you in the morning.” He said, with both Ivan and I nodding our heads.

“Good night dad,” I spoke.

“Good night father.” Ivan also said, with dad smiling at us, then turning away to walk out of the room. Nothing but silence filled the room, listening as dad closed the door to their room with nothing heard after that. I wondered what mom felt at that moment. I wished I could hug her and lie next to her until she felt better. It suddenly made sense of all the times why she would just see something and burst out crying, then lock herself in her room for days until dad came back. Sometimes I would sneak up in her room and lie next to her until she got a bit better or dad got home.

“Do…” I swallowed my emotions back.

“Do you want me to stay?” I asked Ivan, his eyes staring at one spot, the tears filling his eyes. I wished I could do something to take away his pain, I wished I could take it all from him. He shook his head and continued staring ahead. My arms went around him, kissing his arm, then stood up. He needed to be alone and I understood that, so I walked out, wishing him a good night and not getting a reply.

The door was closed, walking to my room where I closed the door. I went to take a shower and came back to slip into bed. My eyes were bloodshot, having cried my fair share in the shower, but it seemed there were still more tears to cry as they silently just dropped one after the other.

Everything was coming back to me. Mom never liked being sneaked up on or coming behind her back to close her eyes. She freaked the hell out. One day, I just found her in the kitchen staring at a meat mallet. She was just staring at it then threw it through a closed window, screaming. After that day, she never went into the kitchen for a couple of months. I guess it was a trigger of some sort.

I could even feel the pain I had made up in my mind of what she must have felt as everything happened to her. I had already made the picture in my mind of her hanging in a dark place, being beaten and r***d over and over again as she screamed.

My body turned, trying to chuck the images out of my head but I could not, they were stuck there. Fresh tears came, my heart was too sore. I quickly sat up, taking my phone.

Masha: I need you, please come.