Our dark place

Chapter 8: Heart to heart

Chapter 8

Odette

Being in school today, knowing I have to have a heart-to-heart with is no fun at all. It feels humiliating.

Jesse and I haven't even talked one time since yesterday. I hate that we have to do this. But it's our own fault. Really it's Jesse’s fault. For provoking me.

I have the right to react if someone provokes me, I'm only human, a mean one. Okay, maybe not mean, but depressed definitely. My point is s that I can’t be a push-over.

The only good thing with this is that we get to sing one of my favorite songs.

My father called the school to get more information about these song/therapy sessions we have. Principal D explained that the school offers and/or forces aggressive students this class so they can look into themselves to find out why they have ended up where they are now. Everyone in the class has certainly been through something, no one is born aggressive or depressed. Principal D told my father that singing is a great what to ventilate feelings inside because teens often put their trust into music. I mean he is not wrong at all. My father said it was a great thing and that he was so happy his daughter had come to such a great school with such dedicated teachers. I guess he's right.

"Odette class is starting soon", Tabitha says, interrupting my thoughts.

"Ugh", I let out.

"Now now", Fisher says. "No need for that, it won't help to be grumpy".

"Yes it will", I say.

Fisher crosses his arms over his chest.

"Like how?" He asks.

"It just will", I say stubbornly.

"Will you get out of the heart to heart?"

"No", I say.

"Will you be able to choose someone else?"

"No".

"Do you have another choice?"

"Well no, but..."

"No buts, that's your answer", Fisher says.

"Whatever", I scoff and start walking towards the classroom. He doesn’t have to be a know it all

I haven't seen a lot of Jesse today actually and that's a good thing I think, he's really irritating and stupid. Although I've got to admit that there is something about him that interests me somehow. I don't know what it is, the only thing I do know is that it’s not based on his looks, he’s hot, I’ve already admitted that.

Unfortunately, we meet Jesse outside of the classroom. We unite with them and enter the room, taking seats while we wait for everyone else to arrive.

Principal D decided to show up today. He's sitting at the front beside the therapist. He's looking serious.

I would've thought that our therapist would've let Jesse and I have the heart to heart first, or well, force us to have it first, but she actually waits until the very end.

Jesse and I stand up, look at each other and get ready to tell something about ourselves. I decide to go first, to get the hard parts done.

“I have been blaming myself for my sister's murder because I was supposed to pick her up but the motor in my car failed”, I say, looking at Jesse. For a second he frowns. “I wish every day that I could stop blaming myself but it just feels like it’s my fault”.

Jesse looks at me and sighs. “I have been abused in almost all foster homes I have stayed at”, he says. “I guess that has messed me up somehow, the only family that has been good to me is the one I’m living with now, Tabitha’s family”.

I didn’t know this. I didn’t know he was in the system and I didn’t know that he’s living with Tabitha’s family.

"Do you two understand why I made you do this?" The therapist asks. "The meaning of it?"

"So we won't kill each other?" Jesse asks.

Mrs. Collingwood sighs.

"I've failed as a therapist", she mumbles. "No Jesse, no, so you'll understand each other better".

We look at each other. We both snort and the therapist sighs again. "I will not give up", she says. "You two are the most difficult, stubborn, and troubled teenagers I've ever had to deal with, but I'm not giving up on you".

"Well you should", I say. "At least with me, because frankly, I've given up on myself already".

I turn on my heels and walk out of the classroom, I hear them scream my name but I run into the girl's bathroom and into a stall. I sit down and cry into my hands.

I open my bag after a while and take out my razor. I take paper and put it on my lap, I place my wrist onto the paper. I place the razor over one of the new cuts and cut to make it deeper. I make three new cuts and make them as deep as possible.

I hate my life. But most of all I hate myself. I despise myself and I wish o could just end things now. But I can't, Tyler and Gwen need me, I can't just leave them. If it weren't for them and our father I would most certainly not be here still, I would belong home and that would be for the best.

I cry while abusing my wrist. I make a fourth cut a little further up on my arm.

"Odette?"

I'm taken by surprise. I stand up forgetting about the bloody paper. Blood from my wrist and arm drops down on the floor.

"Odette no!"

“Tabitha just leaves", I sigh.

"Never", she says. "Either you come out or I'll break the door down I swear to god!"

Tabitha is a little thing. Would she really be able to break the door down?

"Are you alone?" I ask.

"Yes", she says.

I sigh and open the door. She looks at me, she looks at my arm. She also sees that it's not my first time hurting myself. I pick up the paper towel from the floor and wipe up the blood. I then hurry to the sink to wash off the blood from my arm.

"You have to stop this", Tabitha says. "This doesn't change anything".

"Don't you think I know that?" I ask. "But it helps me cope, it takes away the pain I feel inside".

"I know but it's not right", she says. I take up a bandage and a wrap-up from my bag put them on so it won't get infected. I know how to take care of myself. "Would she have wanted you to do this?"

Cassie would've killed me, to say the least. So now she wouldn't have wanted me to do this.

"It's a lot more to it", I say.

"What do you mean?" Tabitha asks.

"It doesn't matter", I say and pull down my sleeve.

"Odette look at me", Tabitha says and I do. "You matter, don't think anything else".

I wish I could believe her. I want to believe her but it's hard. So hard and I really don’t know what to do. It feels like I have ended up on the wrong side of life, I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t know how to be happy. I just don’t know anything anymore.