Ravenswood

Chapter 3

I woke up clutching my pillow to the point that the soft skin under my fingernails burned. My father's lifeless face burning hot behind my heavy, wet eyelids while I struggled to catch my breath and come to terms with my reality. I rolled over in my bed, sweat clinging to my body like a thin second skin as I stared blankly at the ceiling above me with jaggered breaths. 

I hate this. I hate myself.

Why can't I be normal again? Clearly the sleeping pills aren't working anymore.

My hands tingled uncomfortably while my limbs felt suddenly as heavy as lead burying me further into the bed while empty tears trickled down my temples. I felt as if I had the weight of the world sitting fiercely against my body, pinning me down in darkness of this cold room, filtering darkness through to my already fragile mind, bombarding me with intrusive thoughts that only I could hear, ones that only I endured and suffered through. My own personal torment, specifically tailored just for me.

My breathing shallowed as my mind continued it's ferocious assault on me, the thoughts spiraling through my mind cracked at my skin like a whip. I felt like I was drowning, suffocating in my own body, desperately wanting to crawl out of my own worthless skin.

Why are you so weak? What's wrong with you? Snap out of it. You are going to be stuck like this forever. What a disgrace. You should just do everyone a favour and end it once and for all. It should have been you who died that night.

The funny thing about anxiety and depression is the anxiety made you constantly feel like you were going to die at any moment but the depression meant you didn't actually care if you did. It was a delightful little cocktail that I had become most accustomed to. I no longer became angry at myself after panic attacks, I no longer fought against the sensations during a anxiety attack. No, those days were long gone. Instead, I welcomed the panic attacks, I welcomed the anxiety, welcomed the opportunity to feel anything besides the immense numbness I felt each day. I wished that the anxiety attacks would finish the job, that they would some how stop my heart from beating within my chest, then maybe, just maybe, I would find the peace I so badly craved. 

I reached over with trembling hands towards my phone that sat on the nightstand.

The bright light of the screen shone through the dark icy room, 4:30am.

Great, I had to get up soon to get ready for school. As if my life couldn't get any worse at this stage, I now have to start over in my final year of high school, my last piece of solace was that once this year is over, I can get out of here, go where ever I want and live out what ever is left of my meaningless life. 

I often fantasized over ending my life. How I would do it, what it would feel like, the infinite peace that would follow after my final breath. The only thing that kept me from acting out these selfish desires was my grandmother. She has been through so much death. Her husband, her son, some of her siblings, and I just couldn't bring myself to add another name to her list of grief and pain. No, I couldn't do that. Instead I will live this numb life for as long as I possibly can, taking each day as it comes until the day comes that I can no longer resist the calls to the peace that I so badly crave. 

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"You look great" My grandmother smiled softly, handing me a cup of fresh coffee as I took a seat at the breakfast nook. The small mischievous glister in her eye told me she's being sarcastic. 

"I feel great" I fake smiled rolling my eyes before I grabbed a piece of toast and started buttering it. Nothing a good cup of coffee and jam on toast couldn't fix. 

"Still having trouble sleeping huh?" She nodded sympathetically, clutching the steamy blue mug with her delicate hands. 

"It's gotten easier" I lied, taking a bite of my toast. 

"Well, today is a new day sunshine, you are going to have an amazing first day at your new school" she winked, trying to convince herself more than anything else. She really wanted me to be okay, she tried daily to push some of her positivity into my life. But I was just too empty, too broken to fix.

"Thanks gran" I smiled, finishing off my toast.

"I better go if I want to make it there on time" I sighed, taking one last sip of my coffee while I stood up and gathered my bag on the floor. 

"You may want to wipe the jam off your face before you leave" She snickered, raising her eyebrow at me. 

I couldn't stop the smile that tugged at my lips. I was grateful to have her in my life, she had saved me from a couple embarrassing moments so far. Last winter our school had a Winter ball and I almost left the house in my slippers. My mom and dad where fully aware and chose to let me figure it out on my own as their own personal joke, but my grandmother knew I would never recover from that kind of embarrassment and politely reminded me to put my shoes on. My parents where the giddy in love type of people that you either admired or where annoyed with. I would trade all my moments of annoyance for just one more day with them. I often dispised myself for ever having felt anything else other than love and appreciation for them, all the times my mom and I had argued, all the times I slammed the door in her face or told my dad he was childish. If only I realized in that moment that one day I wouldn't be able to slam the door anymore. 

I wiped the jam off my lips and gave myself a once over in the mirror before I left. I put little effort into myself anymore. My auburn hair was pulled back into a high ponytail that trailed down my back while I wore minimal make up, a pair of jeans and a dusty pink jumper with some sneakers. The old me from six months ago would have had a major meltdown if I left the house like this, but I simply didn't care anymore. 

I put some cherry Chapstick on and headed out the door. My eyes immediately snapped to the strange estate next door. The red car that sat in the driveway yesterday was no longer there and there seemed to be no activity in the Victorian style manner.  As I neared the street I noticed the large iron clad gates where still drawn shut and locked with a large silver padlock. Who ever lived there clearly didn't want any visitors. 

I wonder what they're hiding?

My mind continued to rumble with possibilities while I walked the fifty meters to the main road to wait for the school bus. 

Are they serial killers? A puppy mill? Perhaps they have a few girls held captive in the basement? Maybe they have dragon eggs in there are about to do some Game of Thrones s**t? Probably a bunch of frat house nerds. 

The high pitched screeching breaks from the school bus brought me back to earth just as the doors swung open in front of me. 

"Welcome to town" the bus driver smiled tipping his black hat at me politely, his slightly faded and worn blue uniform was pristinely pressed, telling me he has done this for a long time yet took pride in it. 

"Thanks" I replied, stepping into the noisy bus looking around for a free seat, thankfully the second row from the front was free and I avoided looking at all the wondering eyes and just sat down quickly to stare out the window. 

"Hello beautiful" A deep warm voice called from right behind me, almost making me jump right out my seat. 

I rolled my eyes and turned to face the source of the strange voice. 

Deep chocolate coloured eyes stared back at me, framed by long dark lashes most girls would die for. 

"I'm Chase" He grinned dazzlingly. Old me would have had butterflies swarming in her stomach at the attention, but new me didn't give a s**t. It's not that he wasn't attractive, because he definitely was. He had dark chocolate eyes, with just a hint of stubble and short obsidian coloured hair. But his best feature was his tanned clear skin, although I could see impressive tattoo's littering his neck and arms, you wouldn't say the boy had a pimple a day in his life. I just wasn't interested, not even boys excite me anymore. 

"Sarah" I smiled, trying to be polite and not wanting to make enemies on my first day.

"It's not every day a mysterious gorgeous girl hops on the bus to school in this town" He chuckled leaning his toned forearms against the back of my seat. 

"Yeah well, it's not every day your parents die and force you to move to a creepy new town" the words morbidly left my lips before I even had a chance to register the weight of them.  

Chase's warm chocolate eyes widened slightly before softening, understanding clear on his boyish features while he gave a small nod. 

"This town isn't all creepy and bad, you'll see" He smirked at me before the bus came to a abrupt halt forcing my body weight to shift more than I would have liked. 

"See you around Sarah" Chase grinned cheekily, stepping into the isle and joining the que of students streaming off the bus.

"See ya" I replied more to myself. 

The school was old and warn out, like most of buildings in town. There was an expansive forest surrounding the school and students seemed to be filtering into the old building from all directions. I guess they had their own short cuts through the forest from where ever they lived. 

I walked up the four short steps to the massive embroidered doors that sat at the entrance of the school, looking at the ground to avoid eye contact with the students who I could feel where already starting to wonder and whisper about the new face in town. 

The floors of the school where mostly wooden, where the stairs where a marble, and like all the other details of this town, most of the interior was old, outdated and in much need of an upgrade. 

I managed to find my way to reception and retrieve my class list and schedule from the strange thin lady who seemed more interested in her cellphone than any of the students waiting for assistance. 

My first lesson was Biology and I felt my heart thunder away painfully in my chest as I approached the classroom. I hated being the center of attention. And that was undoubtedly what was about to happen. The teacher would introduce me, everyone would stare, whisper and make me feel awkward and I would then fumble my way to an open chair where I would try and disappear for the rest of this year. I felt nausea tug at the insides of my stomach with each step I took towards a certainly uncomfortable fate.

Fucking great. 

I opened the door to the class and as predicted, almost everyone stopped talking to stare at the new girl. I kept my eyes straight ahead, fixed on the teacher in front of me with the purple and green shirt that looked way to big for him. 

"You must be Sarah, I'm Mr Nordick" He smiled softly, standing up in his chair to hand me some notes. 

"Hi" I replied nervously, absolutely dreading him announcing me to the class. 

"Everyone, this is Sarah, she is new. Can we all please make her feel welcome" He announced in a monotone voice gesturing towards me. 

I kept my eyes fixated on the window that sat to back left of the classroom, not wanting to meet any curious gazes when suddenly a trail of electrifying goosebumps ignited down the length of my spine making my toes curl from the sensation. My eyes darted frantically around the room, unsure of what they are looking for when they finally landed on him. His stormy eyes captivated me instantly, cementing my feet to the ground where I stood while my breath caught in my throat. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, all I could do was stare. It was as if the world slowed down and sped up all at the same time and all that existed in this moment was him and I. 

His dark brow creased while a look of disbelief briefly crossed his masculine features. His broad shoulders flexed as if he was resisting the urge to stand up and I swore the green within his stormy  blue eyes shimmered just a little- or maybe it glowed? I wasn't entirely sure.

The intensity and depth of his gaze made my head swarm. I shifted my weight on my feet, willing my eyes to look away and my feet to move while my heart hammered away in my chest. 

"You can take a seat Sarah" Mr Nordick's voice broke through my weird trance, granting me the brief moment of clarity to move from where I stood and look away. 

I walked towards the back of the classroom where the open seat was, fully aware of the fact that I needed to walk past his desk to get there. I fought my eyes vigorously to not meet his gaze again. I could feel him watching me as I walked past while I had this insane urge to touch him or just sneak one more look at him.

What was wrong with me?

Slight notes of pure male musk and lillies wafted through the air as I passed his desk. Dam, he was wearing an incredible cologne. The smell alone was intoxicating. 

I sat down quickly and buried my head in the text book for the lesson trying to figure out what on earth was wrong with me. Was this a new form of anxiety attacks? Depression? Or was I straight up loosing my mind at this point? Yes he was utterly the most attractive boy I have ever seen. Unruly dark hair that flared out slightly at his ears, deep captivating stormy blue and green eyes all drawn together with full slightly pink lips that I'm pretty sure I'll be thinking about for the rest of the day. But still, I haven't been interested in the opposite s*x for a very long time and to be honest, I'm quite happy with that. Death followed me around like a bad reputation, the less people I allowed in, the less people had to experience it. 

I wonder what his name is?

I shook the thoughts from my head. Determined to just ignore the strange interest I had in this boy and carry on with the lesson, day and rest of the year.