My Italian Heart

Chapter Thirty Four

Unsurprisingly, I hadn't had the chance to speak to David about the things that were on my mind. It was hardly the most romantic of talk, but at the same time I needed to speak to him before we got back to the vineyard. Once we were back, it would be much harder to find the time and the privacy to talk about anything, let alone important things. The trouble was that I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping straight into such a serious conversation. I wasn't even sure how he would take it.

We were heading out of Milan when I finally plucked up the courage to say anything at all. I was sure he had noticed the silence that had filled the car as soon as we got into it. I just hoped he would put it down to the busy nature of the city and me trying to concentrate on where I was going. As it happened, I had been to Milan enough times to know the way back out easily enough. Even with detouring to grab my online order for the cabins. It wasn't a designer, I had fudged a little, but no one would know the difference. Instead, I looked through the website of a local store and arranged to collect it on my way home. The two boxes full of goodies had filled my boot and then taken up some of the back seat too.

I cleared my throat, but didn't get the chance to speak. "Is that the signal that you are finally going to tell me about what you've been obsessing over?"

"I would have done if you had let me." I should have known better, thinking he hadn't noticed. He noticed everything. Especially where I was concerned. My tone was a little too brisk and I tried to calm down slightly. "I want to tell everyone about us."

"As in take out a newspaper add? Who counts as everyone exactly?"

"Don't be a prick, you know exactly what I mean." It was one of my favorite swear words and one I had leant from the girls. Rylie tended to call Luca a prick with almost a jokey, affectionate tone and it fascinated me. I used it almost to help myself remember the warmth I felt as well as the annoyance.

"I do. I don't know why, though. Well, I do, but why now?" There was a note of laughter in his lilt, but it was partially nervous laughter to say the least.

"I'm sick of hiding, of lying. They will react however they want to react. I have no control over that. We might as well get it over and done with."

"I told you I wanted to wait."

"I know, but I'm allowed to disagree."

"Of course you are. I just want to have some peace before we intentionally set off another bomb in our relationship. We've only just healed from the last one. I just want time, that's all. It's not like I have any issue telling them."

"So, how long? Give me a time frame." I turned to look at him for the first time, he looked perfectly relaxed with the conversation on the surface and it gave me hope. Hope that he wasn't just trying to hide me away as some dirty little secret. We were on a dual carriageway, which made it so much easier to talk and gave me the opportunity to occasionally look at him and try to gauge his reaction. He was shifting in his seat and his whole body seemed so rigid. It made me think he was more unnerved by the conversation than I had first thought. The truth was I didn't know what to think and I was over analyzing everything. I wanted some prewarning about how he was going to react so I could be prepared. Realising that I was paranoid that he was going to walk away over the slightest thing. That it would come out of no where and knock me on my ass like the last time had.

I wondered to myself if there were any small signs before. Had I ignored them as I had laid there flushed and sated in his bed? I didn't think I had, but that seemed to make it worse. When he could change on me so quickly, it made me feel like I could get whiplash at any moment. I wasn't sure I could cope with the pain again. I hardly coped with it well the first time. The only reason I had gone near Adam was because I was trying to numb my feelings for David. That had ended badly enough, with enough of my dignity being left behind in the snow. I wasn't used to giving myself to someone quite so freely and with no thought or feeling. David was different because there were so many feelings there. It just all made me feel like more of an i***t that Adam had screwed me over so easily.

"Why do we need a time frame?" His voice wasn't as stern or convincing as usual. I wondered if he was panicking that I was about to flip out on him or something. I didn't want to think I was being confrontational. I wasn't. If anything, I was looking for reassurance, but his body language wasn't doing the job. I didn't like feeling that way, that snake of paranoia hissing in my ear. He's only keeping it a secret because he doesn't plan on it lasting long enough for people to need to know.

"This isn't a big deal. I'm not having second thoughts or anything. I just don't see why we are still keeping it a secret. It's only a matter of time before Em finds out on her own and I don't want that." I knew he didn't want that either. I tried to make my tone as reassuring as possible. As though I was surrending to a crazed gunman. Which in some ways he might have been. I just didn't want to run the risk of him firing something more painful than bullets. "Seriously, it doesn't matter. We can do it whenever you are ready. Pretend I didn't say anything."

I was deeply annoyed with myself and kept my eyes glued to the road. Waiting to see if David would volunteer what I wanted to hear even though I had given him an out. It was all so ridiculous. I hated women like that, the sort that didn't have strength of their convictions. The sort that backed down at the first sign of resistance. Then I had gone and done it. The first major relationship in my whole life and I had turned into a yes woman. I had been so sure it would never happen. Telling myself over the years that if a man couldn't handle hearing a woman's views, then he wasn't worth the effort. Except, I hadn't even given David much chance to make his mind up before I gave in and backtracked.

I wanted to sit there and bounce my head off the steering wheel, but I wouldn't. I couldn't, not while I was driving down a busy road surrounded by cars. I had barely even managed to get up to the speed limit on our way out of Milan and it didn't seem to be clearing up. I was usually quite happy to tootle along, not really being one for speed. I didn't drive enough to find it enjoyable, especially on the roads near the vineyard where I was forced to drive at a snail's pace because of all the twists and turns. For once, I wanted to speed. I wanted to feel the force pushing me back into my seat. Almost like I needed it to keep me grounded.

Given how badly the first topic of conversation had gone, I couldn't even consider bringing up the second. I had been pretty sure he wouldn't overly care about telling people, well, while I had my rational head on anyway. I thought that was going to be the easy opening enquiry. If even that had gone badly, then there was no way I would manage to get him to agree to adaption.

Even if it was true, what was the point when I still felt like he was uncommitted and would run off back to his wife at any moment? That thought alone was enough to make me feel disgusting. My internal monologue made it sound like they were still man and wife in the tractional sense. They weren't. I couldn't accept that. The second she had broken her marriage vows, she gave him up and her marriage didn't have the same weight any longer. It was different somehow. I hoped it was. Things were bad enough without me having to contemplate being sent to eternal damnation for being with the man I loved and it would probably finish Mamma off.