My Italian Heart

Chapter Thirty Nine

It didn't matter what I did, I just couldn't get through to David. Whatever had gotten him so deep in thought was impenetrable. His shoulders eased and slumped, but still, he wasn't really in the room. I could only imagine how busy his mind must have been for him to barely register me naked on his lap. I knew I should have been slightly annoyed, but I wasn't, just worried about him. He had been off for days, and I had no idea why. I was sure the business with Adam had just made whatever was wrong, even worse.

I gave up trying to seduce him and went back to my place cradled under his arm. Watching the movie in silence and hoping to give him the time and space to volunteer, whatever was bugging him. I had expected him to be bothered about Emily, but he hadn't been. He just shrugged it off. I knew he didn't want her to know, yet suddenly he was acting like her knowing about us didn't matter at all. What was I meant to do? It was clear whatever was going on with him. He wasn't going to share the details.

As the credits to the movie started showing on the screen, I realized I had done too good of a job at getting him to relax, and he was asleep. Finding it slightly odd that he wasn't snoring but hoping that was down to his relaxed state. I eased myself up, trying desperately not to wake him. It was the last thing I wanted to do. If he woke up and carried on looking just as worked up, I would never manage to leave him. The last thing we needed was me staying out all night at his before we had a chance to speak to Emily. I had planned to speak to him about it, but that was before he had fallen asleep. I hoped we would be able to speak to her together and show a united front.

I had no choice but to walk back to the warehouse. We had gone in David's car, and although I was tempted to take it with me, it would mean him walking in the morning, which felt harsh. I thought the walk would do me good anyway. It wasn't quite sunset, and the slightly pink sky was still illuminated by the retreating sun. It created the most beautiful display of light and shadows on the mountainous backdrop. I was just annoyed that I was walking away from it. The rows and rows of vines would have been enough to stun other people, but I had grown too accustomed to their beauty over the years.

While the air was crisp and the landscape golden pink, I was feeling the relaxation ebbing inside. It just didn't last. The shadows started to outnumber the rays of light, and my body seemed to stiffen at merely the idea of darkness. It was ridiculous, I was ridiculous. The land was so familiar that I could make my way back to the warehouse with my eyes closed. I refused to bow to the anxiety trying to riddle me. I was way too stubborn to let it take over.

I kept telling myself that I was fine, that I was safe, and that, logically, I knew I was. Logic just wasn't registering with my brain at that moment. My mind went back to Luca when Amelia had been stalking out the vineyard. None of us had known she was there. The vineyard wasn't a safe place then, so why was it safe in the middle of the night? I hugged my arms around me, considering turning around and heading back to David's warm embrace, but I was too far to turn back. Going to David would just mean I was out in the increasing darkness for even longer.

I could see the warehouse in the distance with its grey steel walls starting to blend into the dusk. Remembering back to the little old wooden warehouse that used to be in that very spot. It was too tiny to be called a warehouse. It was little more than a barn, but Pops had made it work. It might have been dull, dark, and menacing in the fading light, but to me, it was a shining beacon calling me home. The safety it offered was only beaten by one other place, being in David’s arms.

I should have been heading back to the house, but I didn't want to face anyone until I had spoken to David. We needed to be on the same page, and that wouldn't be until morning at the earliest. At least if I was asleep on the couch in my office, then no one would assume I was with David. Even if Emily considered it for a minute, she would soon find me asleep and realize I hadn't been with David. It was a win-win.

The closer I got to the cold dark structure, the more skittish I seemed to get. I knew it was stupid, but I still couldn't stop myself from looking behind me every few minutes. Not really sure what I expected to find. The shadows seemed to be taking over the world the further the darkness came and with it came fear. I had been out after dark in the vineyard loads of times and for as long as I could remember, but something felt different. I could feel the nerves building up inside my gut and slowly rising like bile threatening to take over me. Before long my head was whipping around at every shadow, every gust of wind and every animal coming out to play in the moonlight. The bat that flew out of its hiding hole forced a silent scream from my lips as I jumped out of my skin.

I was nearly there, I kept telling myself. It was nothing. There was nothing that could hurt me, not here, not on the land that was my home. Except that wasn't true. Amelia had hurt Luca there. She had nearly killed him. Adam had hurt me. He had scared me more than I was happy admitting, but facing my sudden fear, I didn't have much choice but to acknowledge what had changed for me.

His behavior was the kind Mamma had always warned me about and it wasn't even just her. It seemed to be everywhere. We went to the clubs and the signs all talked about women protecting themselves from men. I couldn't help but think that it would be nice to see more posters telling men not to be complete pricks, but it wasn't like it would work. Even at school, they would tell us the correct ways to behave. I remembered Leanne being told her skirt was too short and would distract the boys in class. It was ridiculous that it was a thing, but it didn't change the facts.

The stupid thing was that it wasn't uncommon. I knew that one in three women would be attacked in their lifetimes in some way. Secretly, I suspected the number was likely to be much higher. I just never quite expected to be part of those figures, but after what Adam had done, I supposed I was. It might have been minor compared to what some women go through, but it didn't feel minor to me, it felt like it had almost changed everything I thought I knew.

I thought I was strong enough for it not to happen to me, but I was wrong. It was stupid anyway, no one was strong enough for it not to happen because it was never about us in the first place. I had thought the shower had made it all go away, but there in the dark it felt like I could still feel his fingers tracing over my skin. As though that touch would always be there to haunt me. It felt like he was still there, touching me, watching my reaction. He had been looking for me to be scared, to put me in my place and for me to see him as more powerful than me. I hoped I had hidden my fear, but I couldn't be certain. The look in his eyes was still there, fresh in my mind, as though his eyes were peering at me from the darkness. Watching. Waiting. Just like Amelia had.

The fear was creeping upon me more and more as the darkness cast over each inch of the land in front of me. It was becoming too much. My heart was racing. My mind was crying out for safety. I wouldn't give in to it. I knew it wasn't dangerous. It was my home. Yet, my legs started moving faster all on their own and my heart silently thanked them for overriding my brain. First it was a quick walk, then a jog. Before long, I was outright running as the unknown chased me along.

I slipped through the side door of the warehouse, the one that barely ever got used, and slammed it shut behind me. Checking the lock several times to make sure I was really safe before turning around. It felt like I had escaped one hell and traded it for another. The warehouse was even darker than outside. There were no shadows because there was no light to cast them. I picked my way across the cold concrete floor to the main door. Checking it was still locked, but of course it was. I hadn't done it myself because I had gone with David, but on the nights when I didn't turn up home, Emily always came down to the warehouse. If I was still in the office she would moan at me to go home and look after myself. If I wasn't, she would make sure everything was locked up.

It was moments like this that I wished for her to check up on me. Anything just so I wasn't so alone. I wouldn't let Adam chase me from my usual habits. I wouldn't let him have that control over me. I didn't need Emily to check in on me, I was fine.

I headed up the metal stairs and flicked the lights on my office as soon as I was close enough to reach them. Closing the door behind me and locking it. Laying against the door for a second, before realization hit. I jumped from it like a cat on a hot tin roof. As though the simple green wooden door had scalded me. Shaking my head to dislodge the silliness as I headed to retrieve the spare quilt and pillow that I kept in the office. Bedding down on the brownish-red sofa and closing my eyes. They didn't stay closed for long and I knew I wouldn't be sleeping. Even with the lights on, I still didn't feel safe and secure. I had thought David had taken my safe space from me when we argued, but it was nothing compared to what Adam had done.