My Italian Heart

Chapter Thirty One

By the time the lift doors opened again, I had pushed the slightly sick feeling I had deep down inside. I wouldn't let anyone or anything ruin our time together, so for the time being, the real Mrs Hughes was me and I would make sure my mind believed it. It wasn't until I saw the name that I realized just how much it was something I wanted. I had always told David that it didn't bother me and I thought it didn't. Except it did. I wanted all of that. The big white Catholic wedding - which I couldn't have because David would be divorced. The brood of children running around. When Rylie had discussed her want of a big family, I had thought she was crazy, but that was before David.

There was something about finding someone you truly loved that made you want all of that. The perfect mixture of the pair of you growing up in the world. Knowing whether they would have my sass or David's calmness. Except it was all a taboo. I couldn't tell David how I felt, he would call it off again. He had made it clear he didn't want children and he couldn't have them even if he wanted them. I couldn't ever let on to my mother that I wanted a family because she would be more excited about it than me. Even Rylie would be desperate for Isabella to have cousins running around. The cousins she had missed out on as a child, but had grown closer to in adulthood. It almost felt like I was letting Isabella down, Rylie too. I hoped Luca wouldn't care about being an uncle one way or the other, but Rylie would care, I knew she would.

My entire family was all about family.

David was putting the suitcases in the wardrobe and I couldn't help but touch my hand to my stomach. I had never felt a feeling as intense as the wanting at that moment. It was almost like my entire body yearned for a part of David to be growing inside of me. Knowing it would never happen was more than a little soul-destroying. As David returned, I forced a smile on my face. "I think I am going to get some sleep. I was so excited about coming, I barely slept last night and it's catching up with me."

"Sounds perfect to me." It wasn't like I could tell him I wanted to sleep alone. Not after everything. He would want an explanation and I couldn't give him one. Instead, I kicked off my shoes, slid my trousers down my legs and left them in a pile on the floor. Stepping out of them while taking my simple silk blouse off. Slipping into the plush envelope of softness that was the bed. The simple white cotton duvet cover was definitely Egyptian cotton and I was pretty certain it had a high thread count too. It felt like the whole bed was hugging me and I snuggled down into the feel of it.

When David slid in beside me, for a second all my worries melted away. His arm came around me as he lay against my back spooning with me. When his hand settled on the little podgy bit of my stomach, I groaned inwardly. Under normal circumstances, it would have been him gravitating to the part of my body I hated the most. Instead, it was because it just triggered my need all over again. I wanted to quiet it so badly. To prove to myself that I could put it aside, because I had to if I wanted David in my life. Reminding myself that you don't get anything worthwhile in life without sacrifice and David was definitely worthwhile.

"You're very quiet, are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm just tired. It feels a little surreal to be here, with you too." It wasn't a lie, not even in the slightest.

"I know. I thought I had lost you forever. Forgiveness wasn't something I thought I deserved, let alone something I thought you would be able to do." I just lay there looking out of the floor to ceiling doors onto the balcony. I hadn't paid the accommodation much attention other than to notice it was a small suite. The balcony was another matter. I focused on it continuously, praying that somehow it would help me go to sleep. David moved his hand slightly and sent butterflies through my stomach. It was the strangest feeling, almost like my stomach was flipping around.

I lay there as still as possible. Focusing on the green leaves that made up the three sides of the balcony. Hoping David would fall asleep quickly. I needed to settle my mind and laid in bed beside him with his hand on my stomach of all places wasn't going to do it. The sounds of the hotel seemed deafening as I lay there. The ticking of the clock in the room. A drip of a tap somewhere. A branch knocked slightly at the window as the wind forced its hand. Even people moving down the hallway. It felt like everything was magnified.

When David's snoring started to fill the space and drown out the other noises, I slowly started to slip from his grasp. Pausing when he moved slightly again. Waiting for him to settle down before trying again. I rolled slightly and lifted his hand from me, setting it carefully on the bed beside him. Tucking the duvet back down carefully in the hopes that David wouldn't miss me.

In the living area I found the tiniest little kitchen area, but it was complete with a coffee machine. I silently tapped my foot on the floor as I waited for it to do its thing. Getting impatient, I headed to the bathroom while I was waiting and found a soft white monogrammed dressing gown hanging on the back of the door. There were two actually and slippers too, but I just grabbed the dressing gown and shrugged my way into it. It was too large for me, which made me feel much better about my stomach podge. I always worried about things like that when people wanted to go to the spa. I wasn't massive, but I was bigger than the average woman and it made me self-conscious. Although, according to Rylie and Em, I hid it well.

I tied the belt as I walked back to the machine and poured my coffee. Taking it out with me onto the balcony. It wasn't the sort where I could lean on the rail and look out over it, but it had a lovely outdoor sofa. I curled up in the corner of it and tucked my legs underneath me for both comfort and warmth. It was probably a little too cold to be outside with next to no clothes on, but for once, I reveled in the chill. It seemed to keep me grounded somehow. Like it stopped me from drifting off into a make-believe land. What I was starting to realize was that make-believe land was somewhere I wanted to live. The make-believe land where David was divorced already, everyone knew about us and I could happily let him impregnant me.

I fingered the heart padlock. I was David's no matter what and no amount of wishing would make any of it easier. It wasn't like I chose any of it. We tried to resist the pull between us. There was something about us that couldn't seem to live without the other. Even when I hated him, I longed for a glimpse of him. No amount of trying to pretend I didn't love him worked. I wondered about considering adaption. Especially if it wasn't a baby, he might be open to that and it would be nice to put a little good into the world.

The vineyard was a wonderful place to grow up and David had already proved himself to be an amazing father with a huge heart. Any child would be lucky to call him dad. I nodded slightly, thinking that I had maybe found a way of me living my dreams without having to give David up. I had no idea how to bring the idea up with him though. The last thing I wanted was for him to start thinking that I couldn't live without children in my life. I wouldn't do anything to risk losing him.

I checked my watch and realized I had been daydreaming way too long and the coffee that I hadn't touched was stone cold. The sudden noise from the bedroom made me jump. I stood and inched closer to the glass doors which I had shut behind me. Just as I got close enough to see David's phone lit up, he sat up. Looking at me slightly confused before turning his attention to his phone. I watched him tense up and let out a deep breath. He answered and held a finger up to me. I knew it meant it was someone who he would rather not overhear me in the background and I headed back to my seat on the sofa.

I could hear him getting agitated, but chose to ignore it. It was already clear who it was on the phone. Only one person could make David lose his cool; Bradford. He had rung a few times when David had been in the office with me. Every time it was the same. He would excuse himself and head outside. Even though he stood a good five meters from the warehouse, I could still hear him losing his temper. He never even had any control over it. Unlike the odd occasion when he had gotten angry while he had been in Italy, it was always a calm anger. The volume was only there for effect and he was always completely in control. Except when he was on the phone with Bradford. That was the only time when David remotely showed any aggression and it scared me a little that Bradford could pull that reaction from him.

Not because I was scared of what David might do. He didn't have a violent bone in his body. But I always worried that him getting so angry meant something. I worried that it meant that he still loved Cora. He hadn't gotten nearly as angry with Adam, from what I could tell. When we had discussed it there was barely a flicker of emotion. Yet the man who was sleeping with his wife, elicited a level of rage that nothing else did. I wanted there to be another explanation but I couldn't think of one. I hoped I was just being insecure, but when he had said he wanted to keep us a secret for even longer, he had only added to that niggling feeling inside of me.