EVANESCENCE

CHAPTER 16| Certain that I love to Stay

"Stacy?" I almost fell off mg chair hearing a gravelly voice subtly echo inside this room. The printer was still buzzing, still puking out the printed music sheets the kids will be using for their recital. Rubbing my eyes, I saw it was Luke wearing all black as if he's a member of a cult, holding a guitar case. It was dark already and I realized I've been here for so long planning out how their recital should go. "We're closed," I told him.

He dropped his bag, pulling a chair next to my desk. "We're not gonna go through this again, are we?" He said as I remembered how I swept him off the day he tried to eject me from work for a silly bubble bath- the day I just wanted to forget.

"I'm just waiting for this to complete," I said referring to the printer. "While you wait, would it be okay if I let you hear the song?" He asked me softly. He’s too good at pulling off his fake angelic side when he needs something. I really don’t understand why he keeps on being around- I don’t know whether to mess with my emotions or what, even but whatever the reason could be, it’s working and it’s such a hindrance on keeping me away from putting grime on their relationship.

"You finished the song?” I said in disbelief. "Yeah I stayed till 4am,” As soon as he responded, I looked at him and noticed the pale dark circles under her eyes that appeared too lonely. Maybe they were, or maybe they’re plain worn-out. His blonde curls were now getting longer as they were now tucked beneath his ear- I thought maybe he’s lacking time for himself, but he still owns that musky scent plus, he shaved today. Perhaps he just wanted it that way, one way or another he still looks good.

"Is that why you fell asleep on the couch?" I asked him feeling less sleepy because of his presence.

"Yeah, Michael and Ashton sent their songs already while Calum’s almost done and they need mine tomorrow." He slightly worried.

“Each song one of you wrote represents your very own unique quality, so crappy romance isn’t bad, because that’s where you’re good at and whatever you wrote, a part of you lives in it.” His cheeks slightly flushed presumably hearing this by surprise.

"So is it okay, if you tell me what you think?" I nodded in confirmation as he unzipped his guitar bag, closed his eyes and strummed beginning on an F major seven chord. Passion was evident on his face the way he felt every note, claiming it as his- only his because this is what he crafted out of his love for music. I couldn’t help but doze off my dreams, wishing that I still own him for I will surely cheer him all the way to the top and help him work things out with this dream of his that was once believed as ours. I was too tired but it’s so unimaginable to always have space for him. With all certainty, he surely doesn’t give a s**t on me notwithstanding all these mixed signals I couldn’t decode, but he’s still the only thought I couldn’t get rid of even when he only wants me for the care that Christen’s absence can’t provide. It’s true that he doesn’t feel anything for me, but maybe he wanted the best parts of me for his own convenience.

Visage of various places imprinted on maps

Never been to a single one

Despite of all the inviting pictures my eyes see

You will always be my favourite scenery

My heart raced.

As to where my eyes are closed

I know exactly where to go

I know every cuts, every get away

Not too inviting but certain that I love to stay

It pummelled to be free from my ribs even more.

Tell me it’s a dream

I don’t know what this means

Cause every time you look at me

Every little thing I see

Makes me want to stay forever here

I don’t know where to place all the hours

That I had where I once felt

The time of my life

I don’t know where to go

Where to hide what I feel

Detached from reality

Help me

Oh won’t you help me

put me back to where I should really be

I hope this is really about her.

He finished the song with his eyes closed majority of the time. It sounded standard yet upon the absence of a wondrous arrangement but the song bled, the song ached, the song desired. I wanted to know what drove him to write that but he will give the same answer- it’s Christen even when it doesn’t feel like at all. I wanted to ask him to explain each line so that I shouldn’t really get my hopes up but there’s no point at all. As much as I have said this redundantly, maybe it’s just me crafting my own definition out of things that shouldn’t be viewed as something tremendous at all. After hitting the last few words; Cause every time you look at me every little thing I see makes me want to stay forever here, He subtly panted due to the intensity of the last part. He looked at me- almost longingly and suddenly I felt like it’s me and him again even though we were alone in this room. It felt like we were alone in a deeper sense. “How is it?” His speaking voice snapped me back to reality.

“It’s good, Luke.” I told him as he laughed nervously. “Is that it?”

“It’s really good,” Because there was nothing else to say. He stared at his fingers that were still latched on the strings of his guitar. “I really can’t feel that it’s good enough, and no I’m not seeking validation from you, it’s just that-“He trailed off.

“Because there isn’t any arrangements yet, Luke.” I reassured. “It just bothers me how the boys know what they want for the song and I don’t really know what I want,” He confessed. It’s too overwhelming to see him this soft.

The printer stopped printing. “I can help you figure out what you want. We can experiment,” I told him which sprinkled some excitement on his face. I didn’t know why I was even doing this. “Keys or strings?” I asked.

“Let’s try with keys, shall we?” I nodded as I left my desk and sat on the piano stool. Suddenly I was awake. “Could you please play the intro once again? Was it in the key of F?”

“I’m impressed,” He smirked as he began strumming the intro with three rotations on the chord progression. I signalled him to go on as I pressed the keys and allowed myself to bleed upon the notes and his voice while melting onto the moment. The song just went on and I did what I had to do, adding touches even when it was spontaneous, only occurring at the spur of moment. After finishing, he had a smile on his face which was better than before seemingly deeming his piece as a song that is not as bad as how he perceived it to be.

“You really know how to play by ear, I’m really impressed.”

I rolled my eyes, “Don’t act like you don’t know me all your life.” He placed his guitar on his lap on a vertical position and embraced it as if it was a human. “That’s the thing Stacy, I’ll always be impressed like it’s the first time.”

We got oblivious of the time as I realized that we have been talking for almost two hours- talking randomly about funny things, old memories, views towards things and utmost everything. We didn’t have a conversation like this until we ended and it appeared as though the same comfort still existed between us. The rain raged all of a sudden as the sound of it gave birth to silence making me feel the desolation that I thought was gone already. I wonder if a person can completely move on from a long-term relationship. Luke's face suddenly lacked energy as soon as he looked at his phone, almost lifeless and defeated. Tears brimmed his eyes all of a sudden which quite perturbed me because minutes ago, he was alright.

"Luke, did I say something wrong?" I inquired softly trying to read the emotions from his furrowed eyebrows and tired eyes. He tucked his phone back to his pocket and placed his guitar back to the case. He didn't answer so I just stood up from the stool and pushed it under the baby grand.

"Christen is just f*****g frustrating me," It was hardly imaginable that he would go really soft on her this quick. "I just tried to distract myself, but God it f*****g hurts..." he hastily wiped his tears.

"She's been too distant ever since she found out that we live together you know? We go out but the majority of the time, we're apart and sometimes I find out that she's not busy at all but she's feeding me with excuses, I just didn't want to feel so alone that's why I'm here..."

I went silent.

"She's all I ever want now, Stacy. I’m just too afraid for it to falter out this soon, I-" He trailed off.

"You know what, forget about it. You don't care," Before I could speak furthermore, I saw Calum by the glass door. "Sorry Luke, I have to go."

Because there's something heavier to talk about