War for Love

CH 4: Hearts on the Table

The guy under my shoe started to struggle so I pushed my heel a little deeper in his throat, then let up. I leaned down and grabbed the gun he had dropped. "If you break my heel, I'll put a bullet in your dick." I threatened as I aimed his gun to his crotch and the other at Marcus. "Mr. James. This is just silly. I can't believe you would be so stupid to provoke me. Oh, you know us girls, so emotional." I waved the gun and then shot his manager in the hand. He cradled it to his chest and bent over screaming. "Better his hand than yours, am I right?" I laughed. Then I tilted my head and smiled. "Wouldn't want to end your career, now would we?" Then I aimed it at Marcus' dominant hand. "The belt or your career. Pick one or I'll take both."

Marcus looked defeated. Maybe taking the belt was too harsh, but it rightfully belonged to Ezra since he technically does not get the title or the glory. Finally, he took it off his shoulder and tossed it over to Ezra. "One day, I'm going to want the chance to win that back."

"And you'll have it." Ezra promised.

We backed away to the car, and I still held the guns pointed at them. No one moved, and we drove away in the direction of my brothers' place. My heart was pounding, and I had adrenaline pumping through me. Even though I am trained to handle anything, you still never know what could go wrong. With this much excitment in me, I didn't know if I wanted to go home, and it looked like Ezra didn't want the night to end either.

"Would it be terrible if I asked that we go somewhere? I'm too exhilerated to just sit on the couch and do nothing." I asked Ezra.

"Any particular place in mind?" He shrugged, a small smile on his face.

I looked at him in the night, the street lights giving his face even more appeal. The way his jawline is so sharp and sculpted. His full lips look like they could make a nun abandon her vows. My body started heating up and I felt my heart hammer in my chest. I needed to stop looking at him before I was too far gone. But I couldn't.

When we stopped at a red light, he looked over at me. I wanted to look away because a part of me felt embarrassed that he caught me staring. Another part of me was wanting this moment between us to be forever. His hazel brown eyes watched me so intensely. I saw his jaw clench and his breathing grew heavy. No one has ever looked at me this way. It wasn't just attraction, there was a need. A longing. Ezra looked at me like I was the only thing he needed in the world. The light turned green, but on this deserted street, there was no one around to honk and interrupt us. It was just Ezra and I in the car. Watching each other.

I loved this feeling with him, but I couldn't get caught up in it. I promised I would keep my distance from him. We can't be together, father would never allow it. And I couldn't be the reason he lost his home and the only family he has ever had. It would devistate him and possibly make him hate me. As much as my body wants to give in, and my heart wants to scream his name, he can never be mine and playing this game, it will ruin us both.

"I think I should probably just go back to the loft." I whispered, looking down and breaking eye contact. When Ezra went forward he turned on a different street and I was confused. "Where are you going?"

"You're not going to look at me like that and then pretend it didn't happen." He said huskily. His voice dark and menacing.

He pulled over into the parking lot of a small park and got out. I watched as he stalked over to my side and opened the door. When he held out his hand for me to get out, I hesitated, but he shook his head telling me not to resist him. So, I accepted his hand and he carefully helped me get out. For a few moments he didn't say anything. He just leaned against the hood of his car and looked up at the stars.

"Why are you playing with me, Alessandra?" He whispered. He sounded different. Almost like he was vulnerable. "You are-" He couldn't find his words at first, and then he chuckled. "You are every thing I should never allow myself to want." I was taken aback by his words. Ezra didn't sound soulless at all. He sounded alone. Then he turned to face me. "You're smart, strong, kind. You have never looked at me like a beat up stray dog even when we were just kids. I have always considered you a friend. Someone I trust and care deeply for. But then you go away to college and you are doing something so great with your life. I can't be more proud of you! A f*****g lawyer! I know you're father just wanted that because it would come in handy, but I know you would do so much more with it."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you're you. Alessandra Grace Moretti." He hung his head. "You are a good person, and you deserve so much more than someone like me could ever give you." He even doubts himself.

"Ezra-" I whispered, stepping closer but then he stepped away.

"So stop playing with me." His voice changed. He was dark and closed off. I saw a peak into his heart, and then he shut it away like it was nothing. "Stop looking at me like you want me, stop toying with my emotions, stop throwing it in my face that I could never have an opportunity to love you. Because I've always wanted something I can't have." He started walking to the driver's side, ending the conversation, but I wasn't done.

"You acted like I didn't exist for years!" I ran in front of him and blocked his way. He tried to reach around me for the door handle, but I leaned against the car. "You were polite, but you never treated me as a friend. You can't say the things you just said like you actually care, and then just flip a switch and turn cold. You talk about me playing with you, but you're the one who touched me in the kitchen. You're the one who pinned me against the wall and got so close I could feel your breath on my skin. You started all of this. You are playing with me!"

"Oh and all the 'punish me' crap, that wasn't you f*****g with me?!" He yelled at me, stepping away. "Oh the f*****g things I would do if you were mine. You're testing me, Alessandra. You're testing my restraint with you and I promise you, it isn't as strong as you may think it is." He turned his back and whispered. "Dios, dame fuerza." (God, give me strength.) I heard him groan in frustration and then he yelled. "Fuuuuck!"

Then he quickly turned on his heel, and stalked towards me. He grabbed me by the nape of my neck and pulled me closer. His other hand rested on the hood of his car just behind me and then he leaned forward. Our bodies were flush together, his eyes watching me carefully. Then, he closed his eyes and loosened his grip. My hands rested on his forearms, and then I leaned forward, resting my head on his chin. He inhaled deeply and then cradled my face in his hand, making me look up at him again. I swallowed hard, this was all so confusing. We both know we should stay away from each other, and yet, we can't. It's as if we are young again, feeling it all for the first time. How can something that feels this natural be so wrong? I've never felt this with anyone, definitely not with the man my father wants me to marry. Why can't I want Ezra?

Right here, in Ezra's arms, every touch between us is electric. It feels like my world is getting turned upside down, like things are falling into place. I want him. He wants me. What the hell are we going to do? How did I get myself in this situation? I left college to get some space and clear my head, and here Ezra is just jumbling it all up again. I thought I could just keep my heart out of it, but I am already so consumed by him. It's been one day. One very intense day.

"Ezra, I care for you. And because I care for you, I need to be honest and say that this needs to stop." My voice cracked. "There is so much going on already with school and Joshua-"

"And I'm just another complication." He scoffed and tried to move away, but I grabbed his face. He looked in my eyes for a moment, and then pulled away. "Why do you push me away and then pull me back?! Decide already!"

"You're such a f*****g hypocrite! You walk away from me and then turn around and pull me into your arms!" I yell back. I take a few deep breaths, not wanting to fight with him anymore. "You're not a complication, Ezra. You feel... you make me feel safe. That scares me because I don't trust anyone. But I feel like I can trust you. I feel like you would do everything to make any pain and any worry of mine disappear. I feel like you would challenge me to be my best self, and never let me fall short of my goals. I can see the kind of man you are, and I want that."

"So what are you saying, Alessandra?!" He groaned in frustration.

"I'm saying with everything that's going on, to feel this way with you, right now, is dangerous. Because I am vulnerable, and I would fall so deep into this with you, and it would end horribly and it would be disastrous. I'm saying that with everything going on, I don't want to start something with you and not give it a full chance like it deserves. I need to work through all these complications so this," I gestured between the two of us, "so I don't use it as an escape for my stress. You're not just a safe place to escape to, you're more."

"Dammit, woman!" He yelled. He then cradled my face in both his hands and leaned froward until our foreheads were resting on each other. "When you say stuff like that, I want you. I want you to be mine, but you're not. You are with another man."

"I don't want to be but-"

"But you don't want to upset your father." Ezra closed his eyes and held me close. "I'd burn the world down if it meant I could love you."

That's what it really all comes down to. It's not a decision between Joshua and Ezra. It would be a decision between my father and Ezra. In a perfect world I could be a lawyer, work for my father but also pick up pro bono cases to help people. I would have Ezra and father would welcome him. We would be a family. But that is just a fairytale. It shouldn't be about someone's status, but that is just the way things are in this life.

'You don't invite the dogs to sit at your dinner table.' Father used to say all the time when Jeremiah wanted Ezra to join us for anything. He'll never change.