WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT WHEN CARMA'S INVOLVED?

DIECISIETE

I ducked out on Harmoney but watched the win from a safe distance. I haven't been feeling like myself since late Friday night when I overheard a conversation between Carma and some doctor. Carman, Carma's mother, gave me the heads-up about her vomiting and inability to eat for the past week. If it wasn't for Carman, I wouldn't know what was going on with my wife. She didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t care enough to ask questions.

There was a chance she didn't know I was home, or she knew and didn't think I was within earshot. Whatever the case, Carma is pregnant. Lord, please forgive me for saying this, but it's anyone's guess who the baby daddy could be. Evan, her ex, any random guy she fcked, or me from that one time. If I am the father, a baby would complicate this marriage even more.

“Alixx?” I made it sound like I had just walked through the door.

“Yes, Carma, I'm home.”

“I've missed you.” It was the first time she embraced me since before I saw her and Evan going at it.

“When did Evan leave?” I asked to see if she would lie to me.

After the fight with Evan, he and I are no longer chummy. I know he fcks my wife when I'm not home. I take it the same way Harmoney had. Up the ass, only there is no lubrication for me. My nights have been spent on the couch in the living room or at work. Carma’s sudden obstinance to bothering me when I took work home with me is suspicious. It didn’t stop me from bringing home folders with blank papers in them to ensure she would leave me alone. In the meantime, I was still waiting for her to share the big news with me.

Finding out about the pregnancy wasn't the only thing in my life that made me sick to my stomach. Carma promised to stop sleeping with Evan and when I found out they were still humping like jackrabbits, I was furious. Unfortunately, a certain woman made the mistake of entering my office that day. I tried to scare her away. What we had planned would have been more pain than she could bear because of the mood I was in. Hate and spite were duking it out. Harmoney deserved neither. She is nothing, if not persistent. Her refusal to leave but obey other commands confounded me. Leaning over my desk, heels on, p*ssy begging to be entered. I asked as the tip of my d*ck, popped into her. The rest soon followed and sticking it in Harmoney was my way of sticking it to Carma. I hated myself each time I bottomed out, and the already tight space gradually closed in on me. Harmoney's p*ssy is the best I ever had the pleasure of taking a dip in. It came to the point of choosing whether to get out of the pool to pee. Like any kid having an exciting time, I stayed in and broke the rules. Vanilla s*x was never in the cards for us. I thought about it all the time when I played with her, but I never wanted her to think what we were doing was a segue into what I had made the leap to.

Did she say yes because I had entered her already? There was no acceptable excuse for taking matters into my own hands. I offered to pay for an abortion if one of my swimmers made it to the finish line. What else could I do? Find a turkey baster and suck my kids out? No matter what I said, I made it worse. After dressing, she stormed out.

I went missing for two months, two weeks after that, because Mom had fallen ill. Bad timing. Everyone else in my family was too busy to take time off. I know it didn't look good for me, but one of us had to stay with her. I will admit, I enjoyed the freedom away from my wife.

When I returned home, she said two sentences to me. “I'm glad you're home. How's mother doing?” Mom cannot stand her. She wasn't allowed to visit me and if Mom could've banned her from calling, she would have.

My first day back, Mom was at the office when I arrived. She felt well enough to leave the house and wanted to thank everyone in person for their well-wishes. The only body missing, Harmoney. I figured she was hard at work in her office, but she wasn't there when I went to say hello. I left a note on her desk. Having plenty of time to think about my screw up and how to smooth things over didn’t help. For now, an apology would be a start and I could go from there.

There was a surprise waiting for me in my office, and she was going through private files. “WHAT THE FCK ARE YOU DOING?”

“Hey, baby. I was bored waiting for you.” The fck did she do, race me here?

“Carma, leave. You're not bored. You were snooping. I have clients coming in.”

As if on cue, someone knocked. Looking at my watch, I was confused. It was an hour early for my first appointment, but I went with it. Carma opened the door, and the scent of apples wafted in overtaking the wife’s cheap alcohol-tainted sh*t. Carma must’ve felt threatened. She should. To make a point, she turned and blew me a kiss.

Carma left and Harmoney took her place. Instinctively she reverted to the habit of closing and locking the door. Truthfully, I expected a phone call or less personal email in response to my little note. Since we were face to face, I apologized for the way I acted. She refused to hear it or accept it. Separate ways of rejecting me. I was in the wrong and wanted her to see that I do take responsibility for my actions. The more I tried to explain myself, the more I sounded like an dope. I can say whatever I want to Carma. It comes out with no problem. Trying to tell Harmoney I am not the jerk she believes me to be, and I am truly sorry for my words not reflecting my feelings for her got me tongue-tied. There, in that moment, the revelation hit me like a freight train. Intimacy with Harmoney connected us on a level I never experienced with Carma. I waited for the yelling to begin. That didn’t happen. Why were my actions eating at me? How was Harmoney so easily ignoring the way we left things? I couldn't figure it out.

“If you must know, after you used me, I felt more like a woman than ever before.”

Making Carma pay would take more than one encounter. I did want her to pay, and I thought that’s what I was doing while enjoying Harmoney. Truth is, I yearned to have a connection with Harmoney. During our exchange, the words finally came out the way they were meant to. I needed to prove I didn't use her. But there was a catch. I also needed to know if she hated me. We can be something big. S*x isn’t a fix all, but women refuse intimacy with men they despise. I went there. She didn't budge, so I did.

On the way to my weight bench, I shed my clothing. Thinking about her naked body had me standing at attention. The first time I saw her naked she performed a little strip tease. I took another route. Leaning back, my manhood jutted straight out, I began tugging. It was up to her this time. If she wanted to take me, I was ready and willing. If not, I was going to jerk off at the sight of her until I came. A cautious smile crept across my face as she walked closer and started removing her clothing.

When she lowered herself onto me, I felt the tension melt away. Fcking Christ, I missed her. Her insides engulfed me, and I almost screamed out at the ecstasy. My release was on the verge, but a gentleman never lets a woman finish last. Achieving her final climax first, I apologized to her. Again. Wait for it.... I did not pull out fast enough. I did, but not before depositing a sample of an undetermined size. We just made up. Why the fck would I want to ruin it by telling her the truth? By not telling her, she became upset. Again. What the fck is wrong with me? Collecting her clothes, she ran to my bathroom.

She came out looking ready to fight and worried about something that was never going to happen. Blabbing about us isn’t in my best interest. Harmoney’s too paranoid to tell anyone. Even if Dad found out, he wouldn’t let her go. For me to be willing to go all in with her and risk Carma taking everything I owned.... I am dead serious about starting a relationship with her. Where she got the idea she was a mistake from is anyone’s guess. I will never say or consider anything we did to be a mistake. The mistake was not using a condom. I forced her into a position she didn't ask to be put in. That is the mistake. She ran out before I could tell her that.

All these memories play out constantly, never in chronological order though. More like in order of the ways I fcked myself from worse to least. When I returned home from court, the conversation with Carma went something like this........

“Alixx, we need to talk. It's serious.”

“What about?” As if I didn’t already know.

“I didn't know how to tell you, and it’s something that can't be done over the phone. I am not even sure if I should.”

“Carma, please. Don't play games.”

“Alixx, we're pregnant.” I knew and yet it was surprising to hear.

“Great.” I walked right back out the door wishing I could fall into Harmoney for comfort.