Somber Song

Chapter 4 - Awkward

        We talked a bit about my time in New York, and I realized Julian was probably going to be the only one who would ask me about my life outside of this place out of pure curiosity and care and without judgment.

        After I was done explaining about my classes, the upcoming art exhibition, and my work, we both stayed silent, staring at each other. It felt like no time had passed since we last talked like this. Julian had always been interested in my school projects - I was probably the only one who went to school with excitement and joined all the available clubs, even the math one, which eventually turned out to be a bad idea.

        “Did you see him?” Julian asked, his eyes studying me carefully. He had been patient, listening tentatively, and actually caring about what I was saying. But I knew what he was eager to talk about, and I was not. The only thing Julian ever reprimanded me for was leaving Caleb. He had never been against me leaving the family, the farm, and Killingly behind - but I could never forget his disappointed face when I told him I was leaving alone.

        “Yes,” I said, turning away. “Let’s go inside, Julian. It’s cold here and I’m starving.”

        He stared at me as if he wanted to say something more, but then he just smiled, shaking his head.

        “You go ahead,” he said, turning his back on me and picking the wooden piece he was working on earlier. “I’ll join you shortly. I want to finish this first.”

        I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, then headed towards the door. The morning chill caressed my naked legs and hands, making me shiver, and I wrapped my hands around myself, sprinting towards the back door. Even before I reached the house, the smell of eggs and bacon made my mouth water. As I stepped into the hallway, I needed a moment to take in all the memories that returned with the familiar smell of wood, fire, and everyone’s scents that were so painfully familiar. It was almost as if I had never left.

        I could almost hear feet trampling up the staircase on my left from when we used to chase each other and hoped that running up the stairs would slow the chaser down. I passed the living room on the right, my eyes taking in the familiar setting. The fireplace stood cold and dark, but my mind easily recalled the memories of the fire burning inside every winter, making us all gather in front of it to watch TV or play a game of cards. There was a new rocking chair I hadn’t seen before - Ian had probably broken another one and Julian had made a new one since Clarissa loved to sit in it and read when she was not busy cooking for everyone or doing chores around the house.

        “If you don’t hurry, there will be nothing left!” Ben’s voice came from the kitchen, undoubtedly sensing me entering the house. I took a deep breath and moved past the living room, stepping into the spacious kitchen where everyone had gathered. Brian and Clive, Clarissa’s brothers, had left but Jeremy, Ben and Ava were still around, digging into their food like there was no tomorrow. The table was full of empty plates and utensils and from what I could tell, most of them were already done with the eating, just occupying space and adding to the cacophony.

        It reminded me of the old days when we would gather after school and devour all the food we could find in the fridge, only to be scolded by Clarissa and listen to her grumbling as she went to make us cookies after ushering us to do our homework.

        I looked around to find that the only empty space left was next to Caleb, who was staring at his cup of coffee like he could see the future and he was not happy with the signs. His back looked painfully stiff, and a vein pulsating on his neck, which usually meant he was especially agitated.

        “Do you want to change first?” Clarissa asked as her eyes expected me from head to toe. Few of the boys muffled their chuckles, but I gave her the brightest smile instead.

        “I’m quite comfortable, thank you,” I replied, placing a peck on her cheek and circling the table.

        “Can I have your dress after you leave?” Ava asked excitedly as I took the only empty space, hoping Caleb would shift a bit to make more space for me. His broad shoulders and long legs were taking almost as much space as me and Ava together. It wasn’t that I needed that much space, but our elbows were almost touching and that was unnerving me more than Clarissa’s disapproving look. Ava’s words provoked an awkward silence that I refused to break, so I filled my mouth with eggs and just stared up at my family.

        “Out of the question,” Clarissa said, giving Ava a warning look. “You’re just seventeen and that dress looks like something you’ll wear in a bar.”

        “Well, considering I work in a bar then I’m very appropriately dressed,” I mumbled before realizing that every person in the room had a hearing so good that they could have probably heard that from the other room. I had grown so used to living among humans that I had forgotten what it was like to have to walk half a mile away from the house to have a private conversation.

        “You work in a bar?” Clarissa gasped, raising her eyebrows. Horror shone through her eyes as if I had just told her I was selling my body for a can of beer and a pack of cigarettes. “Don’t tell me that....?”

        “I’m not a stripper, Clarissa, don’t worry. Strippers don’t wear so many clothes.” I scoffed as I was afraid her eyes may pop out of her head. Caleb choked on his coffee next to me and I instinctively turned to look at him. Our eyes met for a moment and I noticed his flashing with anger before he looked down at his hands and tried to clean himself with some napkins. “I’m a bartender, don’t worry,” I added to put her mind at ease. Not that it helped that much - there was still that judgment in her eyes which, I realized, might have nothing to do with my outfit or my job. The reason was sitting next to me and I could feel his cold gaze on me again.

        “So how’s New York?” Jeremy, Clive’s son, asked, leaning on his elbows. “I bet the big city is nothing like here.” 

        “Yeah,” I mumbled before stuffing some of the delicious bacon in my mouth. “It’s different.”

        “Maybe I should leave too. Go and see the big, wide world,” Jeremy grinned and Clarissa slapped him on the back of the neck, giving him a reprimanding look. I gave him a bitter smile, lowering my eyes to my plate. 

        “Maybe we should all leave,” I heard Caleb murmur as he pushed his chair. My eyes followed him as he left with big, angry strides, then I looked back at my almost empty plate. I returned to my food surrounded by awkward silence until Clarissa announced she had prepared my old room. I took my time finishing the last piece of bacon and as I put my plate in the sink, the only person remaining in the kitchen was Ava who excitedly offered me her company. I wasn’t really in a mood for talking, but I didn’t want to kill her enthusiasm so I let her tag along, taking the familiar stairs and skipping the third one as I remembered it used to creak every time we tried to sneak out and run under the moonlight.

        “So basically that was it,” she finished the story I wasn’t listening to. “Nothing new really happens here.” She sighed, dropping on my bed next to the set of clothes they had prepared for me. After changing into jeans that were two sizes bigger and a plaid shirt, I glanced critically at my reflection and turned towards Ava.

        “I liked you better in the dress,” she chuckled, still lying in my bed. “We are almost the same size, so I’ll bring over some of my clothes.” I nodded my thanks, looking around the room. “I can’t believe how much you’ve changed. Your hair is longer and so shiny! And you’re so beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, Mia, I love you but you looked like a boy before.”

        “So everybody keeps saying,” I scoffed.

        “Well, Caleb loved you then and now he’ll…” She grinned and I stopped her before she entered the deep waters I was desperately trying to avoid.

        “Ava,” I warned, my smile faltering. It was not a subject I planned to discuss, not with her and not in the house where everybody could eavesdrop. 

        “He doesn’t show it, but he was really excited that you were coming back. I don’t think he slept at all since Ethan left.” She continued as if she didn’t hear me. Something shattered in the other room, and I didn’t have to rely on my acute hearing to know from which room that sound had come from. Ava sighed, rolling her eyes. “You can’t avoid each other forever. Especially now that you’re back,” she said, plastering a serious expression on her face. “You are soulmates. Do you know what I am ready to give up to meet my true mate? I don’t get why would…”

        “I’m tired,” I interrupted her at once. I had the nagging feeling that if I let her continue, Caleb might stride over and drag her out himself. “I worked late into the night so I would like to get some rest if you don’t mind.” 

        She took a deep breath and let it out, slowly getting up from the bed. There was hurt on her face, which almost made me apologize, but I didn’t. I wasn’t going to dig into the past or give explanations. I did what I needed to do, and that was it. And contrary to what they thought, I was not staying. I was going to speak with Julian again to ask him why he summoned me here and then I was going to be on my way back to New York where I was going to look for a new job since I was probably fired from the old one. That reminded me that I should probably call Grace or Oscar and tell them I wasn’t kidnapped or dead.

        It can wait until tomorrow, I thought as I threw myself onto the bed.