Almost Not Over You

CHAPTER 2: JAC

“Live life to the fullest.” 5-word phrase. Simple. Easy to remember. But those very words were very special to me. When I was young my father always told me to live your life like this is your last day on earth. You just have to enjoy every moment in life no matter how hard it is. So that if you reach the end, you won’t have any regrets—you won’t look back thinking all the “what if’s” and “but’s” in life. And those words were also his last words before he died. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Dr. Juan Antonio Crisostomo III 2nd year resident doctor at SJMC, your speaker for tonight’s 50th Annual Healthcare Forum.”

(Aloud of applause)

“Thank you. Thank you. Please have a seat.”

I took the deepest breath before starting my speech. Looking with all those people coming here, I never thought I would be standing here. I never imagine myself having a speech in front of those respected people on health care services in the country. I was a bit nervous. It’s my first time delivering a speech after I moved here to San Jose Medical Center 2 years ago.

Before I’m a doctor, I’m just an ordinary son from a humble family. My father, Juan Antonio Crisostomo II is a retired military officer in the Armed Forces in the Philippines. He was the best soldier I know. Ops! He’s the only one I know in the first place. Well, but I know he was the best. His braveness and courage have given him a lot of awards and recognition. But I guess life is not all about happy moments because, at the age of 45, he was diagnosed with liver failure. He was advised to quit his work so he could focus on treatment. It was hard at first, seeing the man whom you admire so much slowly became weaker. How I wish I could do something for him. He fought his sickness for more than a year. He battled his sickness until the end. He has shown bravery even until his last breath. I know he holds on because he wanted to take even a glimpse of our youngest member in the family since when he got his disease 10 months ago, my mother on the other hand was blessed to have a new baby.

I miss him a lot. I miss him in every corner of the house. I remember his military strictness at home. We need to wake up sharply at 6 am. Well, the rules were just for me and my little brother, Elie. After school, we need to be at home at exactly 5 pm. If we have other activities outside the home, we need to ask permission first to him a day before. Curfew's time was at 10 pm sharp. Failure to comply with all those rules, a rightful sanction/punishment is required. But despite his strictness, he always has a soft side. Whenever we get an award in school, we always have something in return. At the weekend, after going to church, we eat at our favorite eating place whereas my mother is a plain housewife. We live an ordinary life—simple and peaceful despite my father’s work. But after our small family started to grow, my mother Elsie went abroad to be an OFW after my youngest sister, Clara turns to two. Now, I have 3 siblings. Next to me was Elias Ibarra Crisostomo or Elie for short. Next to him was Jose Carlos Crisostomo or JC for short and lastly, our youngest, Maria Clarita Crisostomo, or Clara for short. Our life was not luxurious but we were happy.

After my father died, my mother decided to work abroad—to be an OFW, to support our family. It was hard seeing our family apart. But I need to be strong. I need to act like a father to my younger siblings and a mother to them. It was tough balancing your time at school with your responsibility at home. It was so hard growing up without a father figure. The more I miss him during my adolescent years. A lot of physical and emotional changes happen and yet I don’t know where to get any advice. My father, he was like a best friend to me. He taught me a lot of things. That sometimes, I hope to be like him someday when I will be starting my own family. He was like a rock that’s why when he left, I feel so shattered. I feel lost. I wanted to cry but I can’t afford it because as the eldest in the family, I need to help my mother in raising my younger siblings. I need to grow up fast. I need to be matured enough. I need to take over all the responsibilities and obligations of our family.

It was not easy at all but we were able to survive from those dark moments in our life. I was able to move on. And one of those reasons was having a loving and supportive girlfriend, Angela. She was my childhood sweetheart. We grew up together. And we were growing old together. After losing my father, I found another inspiration to live when I met her. I could still remember how we met unexpectedly. I was at school at that time. It was raining hard. I was sad and alone while being left out. I got envy with other kids seeing how their parents fetch them after school. I started to walk even without an umbrella. Slowly getting wet, I bear the coldness then suddenly a cute, young girl offers her umbrella to me. I saw a girl smiling at me. My heart skips a beat. Looking back to that moment, I can say, she’s the one for me. We started as friends. She helped with my studies since she’s very good at Math. While I helper her with Science. During my grade school, I was always at the top of the class until I graduated as Class Valedictorian. But when I reached high school, I wasn’t sure if I’m going to be at the top again because I thought I have found my match. Angela is also as good as I am at school. She excels at every subject except Science which is my forte. Almost in every school activity, we were meant to fight each other. From a simple class recitation to a school debate and student government presidency, we clashed each other. That’s how our relationship was. I courted her for almost 2 years. Yes. It lasted that long since his strict father wanted her to have a boyfriend only after she finished high school. But if you will tell me if it was worth it, well, it was all worth it. During our graduation, she said “Yes.” Finally, I was the happiest man during that time. I may not be the Class Valedictorian during my high school years but I think I won a lottery when she said yes.

Fortunately, I got a scholarship grant for college through my late father’s work. Before when he was still alive, he applied for trust fund—an educational fund for me and to my other younger sibling, Elie but not for my other two younger siblings next to Elie because he got sick at that time. But it helps us a lot especially to me since my course was very expensive to finance.  Nevertheless, I need to have a part-time job to finance my other miscellaneous expenses.

But what makes me happy is that we entered the same university. Though Angela and I have a different course, still we were able to see each other because we’re of the same school. Despite not having the same major subjects, we made sure that our general subjects were the same. No matter how hectic our schedule was, we make sure we have time for each other. We make it work. She was there cheering for me when I joined the varsity team on basketball. I was there for her during her after-school practices after she joined the university chorale. No matter how tired I was after a long and tiring practice that sometimes, I fall into small sleep, I still manage to wait for her every night rehearsal. It makes me happy seeing her smile while playing the piano. It seems like all the body pains suddenly disappear just seeing her happy. We had small fights but we make sure we will not let a day pass without resolving the issues we have. You know what; my friends at the basketball team always ask me, “What’s the secret of being good at everything?” Well, I don’t know the answers to that. Because all I know that I was able to balance school, love life, and family because I want to. We make it work because we want to. And that’s one of the best things life has taught me at a young age, that no matter how hard life is, it's your choice if you want to make it work or not. As what they say, it’s all green on both sides of the leaves, it’s just your choice which part you want to look at.

Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months. And months into years. Finally! We finished college. To help my mom with the finances, I work at the same time studying from med school. It was a bit hard. Reviewing for the exams and working as a sales agent selling luxurious cars. I seldom got a good sleep. I rarely eat on time. But I endured it. I managed to survive everything for my family and my future family with Angela. She was my life. Since I only got small free time and mostly those free times were meant for studying, she makes time to see me. She makes an effort for our relationship to last. She faced my family wholeheartedly. And that’s what I loved about her. She’s a family woman. She always has a heart for kids. She goes along with my younger siblings. She’s everything to me. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I even made a promise to myself that once I finished med school and passed the board exam, I’ll propose to her. I will not let her go—never.

But I guess life wasn’t content in bringing pain to my life. Sad news came after another. A year before I finished med school, we got informed by my mother’s friend that our mother died in New York. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what to say. I cannot find any words to express what I feel at that moment. Back home, while relaying the bad news to my younger siblings, I don’t know how to comfort them. I don’t know how to ease their pain because even myself I don’t know how to help myself. I feel like I lost on the track. But on that painful moment, Angela was there. She helped me overcome the darkest part of my life. She stood by me until we started to move on. Sometimes, she sleeps in our house just to help me in taking good care of my younger siblings especially in my last year at the med school where there are a lot of things to comply with. She cooks for us. She cleans the house. She was like a mother to them as well as to me. She encouraged me whenever I’m down.  She was my life after all. I couldn’t imagine life without her.

My plan of proposing to her after med school was temporarily postponed since I need to support my younger siblings. I need to act as a father and mother to them. After I pass the board exam and land a job in a good hospital, I was able to help my family even more. I supported Elie’s dream course, to be a civil engineer in the future. I was able to send my other younger siblings to a private school. I can say that we are slowly living a comfortable life. Everything was perfect. Everything goes smoothly.

After my 2nd year residency as a general surgeon, Elie finished his course and landed a job at a family-owned engineering and architectural firm by the Cruz family—Angela’s family. At first, I don’t want him to work there because that would be so awkward for me. But Angela pursues me for my permission. She has explained to me and assured me the Elie won’t get any special treatment in the company. She told me that he will get the right treatment as an employee just like an ordinary employee. And I don’t know how she does it. But I can’t say no to her. That’s why my younger siblings especially Elie has always got a back on her. Seeing how everything falls into place. After 2 years, Elie became stable with his career and was able to help support our family’s finances especially on school expenses with our other younger siblings and how everything goes well at my work in the hospital; I decided to finally ask Angela’s hand for marriage. I thought now is a perfect time. I want to be with her. I cannot wait for another year seeing her waking up with the same bed, eating together in every meal, telling stories of what happened on our day, and unlocking a lot of adventures as a couple.

I could still remember how nervous I was when that day came. At first, I secretly asked her parents about my plan of marriage with their daughter. I was so happy that I got the yes from them. Finally, one down and two to go. Well, I also need to ask my family’s permission especially Elie. I need to have their approval about this matter since there will surely be changes to our family. But I was happy getting support from them. Elie assured me that it’s his time now to take over the responsibility for our family. I was blessed to have very supportive siblings. Two down and one more to go—the most important person whom I need a big “Yes”. I prepared an intimate dinner at a rooftop garden since it was her dream wedding set-up. The ambiance was great as well as the food with the perfect background music. Everything was surreal. Then, I spilled out the biggest question, “Will you marry me?” I was nervous at that time. I got tense since she was just crying. Then, magically, she said the words I want to hear, “Yes.” I was the happiest person in the world. I couldn’t explain how happy I am. Both our families were very happy about our decision to settle down. We plan for everything. No matter how busy we are with our career, we make sure we have time for the preparation for our wedding day. From attending wedding seminars, processing marriage documents, choosing a church, selecting wedding themes, food menu, and wedding entourage, we closely plan every single detail. Until our most waited day came. I was very happy seeing everyone around. All our families and close friends were there with us to celebrate another chapter of our life. But the supposed to be “the happiest moment of my life” turns out to be the most nightmare of my life. I was waiting for her that day feeling excited and with all the happiness in the world. I couldn’t explain what I felt on that day. I cannot put it exactly into words. Hours passed by, everyone was set, but the bride was missing. She’s nowhere to be found. Everyone called her but she’s out of coverage area while her maid-of-honor just handed over a letter from her saying sorry for not coming—without any clear reason why. I run to her hotel. I wanted to look for her. I wanted to find anything that would explain to me what’s happening. I wanted to know why she’s stood up on me.

Then, I saw myself on the beach. It was so dark that night. A crescent moon and a few stars were only seen in the night sky and a few people strolling on the beach. I couldn’t think straight ahead. Being drunk, I just wanted to disappear. I know it was a sin but that very moment I wanted to die. I was really in pain. Things won’t sink in. But all I could think of is I want to be gone. I wanted to drown myself in the sea after finishing 10 cans of beer. I slowly walked towards the sea, looking straight ahead, looking blankly in the wilderness when a strange woman was calling for help—she was drowning. I was surprised that it made me stop. My adrenaline rushes. I immediately swim as fast as I could. Though I’m not a good swimmer I guess my instinct as a doctor came out that night. And luckily, I was able to save her. I don’t know what her story but I could still remember how much she cried on that night after I save her. I could remember how he curses herself for being stupid in taking her own life for her stupid ex. Her words that somehow imprint on my mind that says, “Hey! Do you think you’re the most handsome person in the world? You jerk! I won’t waste my life for you, scumbag. Do you think I will take my own life just because you cheated on me? How lucky you are? No way. You rot in hell.” Those words help me one way or another. I don’t know but it made me think for a while—it made me realize how stupid I am in taking my own life for her. If I wanted to know the real reason, I need to be alive to ask her personally, why. I think about my family. If I’m gone, what about them? How selfish I was. And that very night, I feel like I have lived again. I found a new life.