Hallows: Black Death

You're Not Bound to The Pain

Tove Lo- Habits

B.B.:

My father's looming presence is a lot to handle. I don't remember him being like this but I also didn't expect him to be the same. I honestly didn't expect anything. The motherfucker came back from the grave to kill two hallows. I'm a little uneasy about the whole thing. Okay, more than a little. We can go as far as saying I am freaking out so much that I've been smoking more than I usually do to try and remain as neutral as possible. I don't want to be sober enough to think about the long-term damage this is going to stain me with. FML.

Yet, there is an undeniable truth to all of this. I'm getting the closure I thought I deserved and it started with the truth. He sacrificed all those lives to make sure that death didn't take me from him and my mom. It all makes sense now. Why my life is so f****d up, why everything that's happened until now has come to pass. I was never supposed to be here. Maybe, none of us were and the universe is somehow making sure we pay for this crime however it can. All I can do is accept it and move on. I have to try and makes the best of it somehow.

On top of all of that, Carson's words are swimming in my head. I have to admit that I'm riding a little bit of a crush high here. The look on his face. I'm in love with you, Belladonna Blackstone. I will never stop loving you. f**k him, man. Why did he have to go and say that? He meant that s**t too. Do I love him? Maybe, but the cold hard truth is that I love myself a lot more. Despite my self-destructive hate and anger toward myself, I love who I am. Who I think I'm becoming and all Carson does is test my limits.

I don't have to pretend to be anything that I'm not. I've chosen to in the past but now. Now it's kind of stupid to try and hide how f****d up I am inside. Everyone knows it. I think they knew even before I did. I'm awkward but I also have a very domineering presence just like my parents before me. No matter how I dress it up or no matter how much I try to hide it. Everyone is always looking at me to see what I'm going to do next. It kind of sucks in a walking into a classroom full of people late and tripping over a chair when they all look back to see who dares interrupt the class kind of way.

The only positive outcome from a scenario like that is, they all laugh. You can either laugh with them and let the sting of embarrassment fade or hold on to that s**t and let it drive your anger for the next whatever odd years you have left. I usually choose the first one but the latter is starting to set. All of this is f*****g with my head. I'm winning little battles here and there but I already know I've lost this war. I don't want to be in love. It looks unnecassarily painful. It feels worse than delivering death.

What happened yesterday, the way I reacted. f**k was that embarrassing. But what was I supposed to think? He made it clear that it really wasn't me who he was interested in. It was the snake. Eve. But it even affected her. She snapped at him and usually when he's close by, she's slithering around him or is literally playing pet snake on his shoulder. Not right now. She's nowhere to be seen. I can't even feel her. The reaper is here. I have a feeling that the only reason she's here is because of my dad. She's very present the way she is when Damian is around.

"Where is the hellhound?" my dad asks walking into our library with a bunch of weird s**t in his arms. James walks in with two moving boxes stacked on top of each other. He sets them down next to my desk. That's right. My desk. Dad can suck it.

"She's busy," Carson answers without meeting his gaze.

My dad looks between the two of us and then motions me to follow him into the family room. No one follows as I catch up with him. Not satisfied with our distance he continues into the kitchen. He's taken a bunch of stuff out of the basement as well. Grimoires, books on the occult, weird satanic bullshit. All of it and for the life of me, I can't help but be intrigued. Curious. I want to know what they are and I don't know flip through the pages.

"Okay, you flipped out yesterday," he sighs placing a teacup in front of me, and pouring my tea. He makes it the same way I do or rather, I've always made it the way he does. Why f**k with perfection? "Do you need to talk about that?"

"What?" I grimace, shaking my head. He laughs. The last person I would ever want to talk about boys is with my f**k boy father.

"B.B. You are one of the most powerful f*****g creatures walking this earth. You're going to do and see a bunch of s**t you don't want to and it will leave a deep f*****g wound. Talking about these little incidents will help you stay sane for the most part. I learned that from Kelly Hayashi. She was my best friend.

"That kid is a devil. He's a little one for now and that says a lot considering all the crazy s**t he's involved with. With that being said, I know he's being sincere. That kid would die for you-"

"Dad," I stop him. "Thank you for the advice but I need to handle this on my own. I don't like talking about stupid s**t like this. It doesn't feel real considering everything else that's happening to me. I'm over it. I don't mean I'm done with him or whatever but it was a misunderstanding and I just feel kind of stupid so I rather just leave it alone,"

"You shouldn't feel stupid, Bella. There's a reason why you felt the way you did. The way you feel reflects the way he treats you. I think overreacting and lashing out the way you did with both of them will teach them how to treat you better,"

"Dad, did you ever meet other hallows?" I ask slightly moving the conversation to a different note.

"Yeah," he nods.

"Were you ever attracted to them?"

"Christ, B.B.," he growls. I laugh. "Yeah, I was. Crows, particularly female ones have a f*****g scent to them. I mean we're all reapers but us Blackstones," he shakes his head. "We're the original sin. The sense of darkness in our blood and the urge to dominate between opposing sexes is complicated. Did you meet another crow?"

"Yeah," I take a sip of tea. "Victor Escobar,"

"f**k," he laughs. "I haven't heard that name since I was in high school,"

"What?"

"It's a traditional thing. This Victor is what eighteen to twenty? He's the fifth Escobar since the split of the Daemon stone,"

"So, each group of hallows has its own stone?"

"Yes, and they popped up all over the world after the first one was broken. Not all of them have the same familiars as us but the majority of them do,"

"How did all these people know to break the stone the same way ours was?" I ask. He smiles.

"They didn't. B.B. Cleaning up our streets is not something that keeps us here forever. Once there's a routine set and the King establishes his footing, we move on. Especially your type of reaper. Merciful death seeks to liberate those suffering. Hospitals, prisons, battle fields, broken homes. You'll be drawn to all of them and you're going to find ugly s**t everywhere you go,"

"What was it like for you?" I ask, even though I'm terrified of his answers. I don't want to know about the terrible things he's done. Mostly because I know that I'm probably going to do them eventually. I don't need a glimpse into what I will potentially be capable of. I just want to be prepared.

"It was terrifying at first. I was drawn to some pretty f****d up people. Even my best friend was a f*****g stain on my soul," he's talking about Espinosa. "I loved all the wrong things for the darkest reasons. I thought I claimed them but in reality, they were claiming me.

"By the time I figured out that I was deep in s**t, I was too far gone, B.B. I raged and the souls I claimed fed that rage. It only made s**t worse for me. Everything just spiraled and it continued to spiral until I made it stop," he swallowed hard. "I know this isn't the answer you want,"

"I want the truth and if this is your truth. I want to hear it. All of it because-" I stop myself from saying it.

"You need it to hurt," he nods. "I know that feeling. You have to be careful with it B.B. It's addicting. I know you've felt numb for a long time. Longer than you care to admit. But enjoy the little things, darling. Laugh, f**k, live. You're bound to this but you're not bound to that pain,"

"Espinosa is rolling in," Dylan calls out from behind us.

I shut my eyes shaking my head. f**k. I stand up looking at my dad.

"Please, let me handle this," I whisper. His hand shoots out. He grabs my hand as his eyes darken like before.

"Get rid of him for good, B.B. He's not a good man, my love. Trust me," he growls.

"I trust you," I nod my head because I have no other choice.

"Go,"