Cure To Her Heart

Skylar “I am sorry, Sky.” I stare at Doctor Mary for a few seconds, foolishly convinced that I did not hear her just say those four horrible words… I am sorry, Sky… Four words… That’s all it takes to destroy a life. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying desperately to keep the wave of acid in my belly from pouring on the immaculate floor of Doctor Mary’s clinic. God, this is so unfair! I genuinely believed that this year was finally going to be my year… That mom’s health scares were finally behind us… That I will be recruited for my dream job… that I will be the best working girl ever and prepare for the state-approved exam … That I will finally be happy and carefree… That all those years of anguish and heartbreak and guilt are finally behind me… How stupid of me! “It is stage two, Skyblue, but we caught it early.” Doctor Mary squeezes my thigh supportively. I open my eyes and stare at Doctor Mary’s warm eyes. SkyBlue… I smile at the nickname that she gave me when I was five years old. I was running in the hospital holding a big painted cardboard in my hands when she caught me before I collided with a crash cart. I told her that my grandma was sick and stuck in the hospital and that she could not see the rainbow in the sky, so I decided to bring the blue sky and the rainbow to her. Nana Petra… My eyes well up with tears at her memory. I hate cancer! I effin’ hate cancer just as much as cancer hates the women in my family! “SkyBlue?” Doctor Mary calls me. “Sorry, Doc. I… I was thinking of Grandma Petra.” “I think of her too… regularly.” She confesses. Doctor Mary was in her first year of residency when she worked for Doctor Choi, the oncologist who treated my nana… Doctor Mary told us that you never forget your first patient and you never forget the first patient you lose. Nana Petra was both for Doctor Mary. Nana fought bravely for five long years… But it was never a fair fight… Cancer spread, Chemo causes serious complications and after spending two years in the hospital, she left us. I still remember how Doctor Mary used to spend hours talking with my family, giving them courage and support. I remember how she held my mother and aunty Hae-won during the funeral… It was my first funeral… the first of many with the same cause of death… effin’ disgusting cancer. My Grand-Aunty Lucija, was diagnosed with breast cancer just two years after Grandma’s diagnosis. She stopped fighting when nana, her sister, died. The year after, two of nana’s cousins were diagnosed with ovarian cancer and lost their fight due to health complications. Cancer became the incarnation of darkness and nightmares that befell our family. Can we beat this ugly beast? Is it even a fair fight? “Don’t you dare, Sky!” Doctor Mary scolds me. I purse my lips to fight the tears and swallow the lump in my throat. “Don’t you dare give up, SkyBlue! You come from a long line of strong women… of warriors! You will fight this, and you will win!” she says assertively, holding both my hands. “Yes, of course, I am going to fight, Doc. I will fight hard and strongly.” I reassure her. And I am not lying. I know that I have to fight. For nana Petra… for Lucija… for Kira and Ada… for Aunty Hae-won… For mom! I will not fight because I want to… I will fight because my family would be devastated if I gave up… But I have no illusions about my life after today… Whatever the outcome of this fight, I know that I will not get the chance to live the life I have imagined. “Good. We got this Skyblue! But I need you to fight with the mindset of a winner. Can you do that?” she insists. I nod, unable to talk. This is too raw! “When are you going to tell them?” she asks. I can hardly process this news myself… It is premature to talk about it to anyone… Not when everyone is moving on with their lives… Now is not the time. “You need your support network, SkyBlue.” She scowls. “Doc…” I plead. “Everyone is busy planning Bethari’s wedding.” My cousin is planning her fairytale wedding. It is the talk of the town given that the groom is Erik Eddison, the heir to one of the biggest and most influential families in the country. I was supposed to be with her and the bridesmaids. They are visiting bridal shops to select the bridesmaids’ dresses. I am the maid of honor for crying out loud. I was supposed to be by her side not stuck in this overly white clinic addressing my “options”. “You need to tell your family. I want to start the treatment as soon as possible, SkyBlue.” I sigh and nod. There is nothing I can do about it. I have Stage two breast cancer and in a couple of hours, I will break my tight-knit family’s hearts. “If you need me by your side to deliver the news…” Doctor Mary proposes but I cut her off. “No, thank you, Doc. I should be the one to do it… You always told us that we should face our fears head-on.” “There is nothing to fear.” “I am going to knock their world off its axis.” I sigh. “A family of warriors, I am telling you… Warriors.” she smiles at me and pulls me into a tight hug. We spend the next twenty minutes, discussing the next round of tests and the treatment options. When I leave the hospital, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I stare at my car keys for a few seconds and decide against driving. I am too drained to drive. I walk down the alleyway and head to the adjacent park. I sit on my bench and try to process the diagnosis. I used to come here every time a woman from my family ended up in the hospital. It is my safe haven. The place where I come to clear my mind… The place I run to when I want to escape reality. But reality has a funny way of creeping on you… I have breast cancer… And I need to tell everyone about it. My phone pings and I notice a message from Nour, Bethari’s sister. Nour: How did the interview go? Ready to join us? Me: I am still waiting. They had some kind of emergency and all the interviews got delayed. Enjoy dress hunting and will see you tonight. Xoxo Nour: I am going to pick a yellow dress, especially for you. :-p I laugh, shaking my head. The scary part is that she would do that without even blinking! Nour is one of the most stubborn people I know. And she holds a mean grudge. Me: Enjoy dress hunting and will see you tonight. No yellow dresses. You have been warned. I think about Doctor Mary’s words, and I know that she is right. I will need every support I can get… Plus, the girls will kill me before cancer gets a chance if I hide something that big from them. I have to be selfish tonight and break the news to Bethari and her bridal party. But first, I need moral support. I fish my phone and scroll through my favorites and call the number. The phone rings a couple of times and I notice I am holding my breath… Calm down Sky, you can do it.