BROKEN VOWS (Broken Redemption Book 1)

Chapter 8

Lucas

Once at our destination, I steer us onto the gravel lot. The state park I haven’t seen since the night of the bonfire and subsequent tragedy looks much the same. Except for the new walking path that winds from the parking lot down to the lake, which shimmers brilliantly in the mid-day sun. The line of trees just beyond are heavy with spring flowers and bright green foliage. A few families are milling about the picnic area, but all are far enough away that we’ll have the privacy needed for this conversation.

Grabbing the bag of food, I help her out of the car. Then I open Nero’s door, opting to leave him off the lead, since I know he’ll stay close. We don’t go far, choosing the closest picnic table to set up the food, while Nero explores our surroundings. As we sit down to eat, I can’t help but notice the awkward silence that’s followed us from the car. This kind of tension isn’t us, or at least, it didn’t use to be.

Clearing my throat, I dive right into the reason we’re here. “Why do you think me leaving was your fault?” I do my best to act casual, pretending the question isn’t a big deal when it guts me to think she’s been harboring these feelings all these years.

“I… I was the last one to see you. The only one who knew how much you were hurting, and I didn’t help you. I did nothing to stop you.”

“I meant what I said, Embree. Do you really think you could have stopped me?” This time I remain in control, my voice convincingly calm and reassuring.

“If I’d known, I would have at least tried.”

“But that’s the point. You didn’t know, so why blame yourself?”

At first, it looks like she’s going to answer, but then tears well up in her eyes.

“f**k. I’m sorry.” Wincing, I rise, moving to take the seat next to her so I can pull her into my arms. “Please don’t cry.” I shift my gaze towards the bright blue sky, praying the universe takes pity on her and strikes me down. Even when I try to help, all I seem to do is hurt her.

“If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in that kiss, in how perfect it felt to finally be with you…” she blurts between sobs. “Then I would have noticed what you were planning to do. That you were planning to run.”

“You couldn’t have known, Emb,” I choke out, digging deep to keep my own emotions in check. “Because I didn’t want you to know. It’s something I had to do. Leaving was my only choice, and I didn’t have it in me to tell you. I knew it would hurt you and I was too much of a coward.”

When she falls silent, I hope it’s because I’ve broken through to her. But when she stiffens in my arms and pulls back, I realize nothing could be further from the truth.

“So, that’s it, just like that. After you kissed me. After you took my virginity and made love to me. You didn’t think for a second you should stop and discuss your plans with me? Or at the very least, wake me up to say goodbye? You told me you loved me, Lucas. You told me you loved me!”

Betrayal. That’s what I hear tangled up in her angry words. Her vehemence catches me by surprise, and I’m lost. Scrambling to come up with something to say, I look away. When she pulls out of my embrace and stands, my arms fall limp onto the table. Defeated, my shoulders slump and I drop my head in shame.

“I waited two years for you to be ready for us, and when you finally gave in that night, it meant everything to me, Lucas. Everything! And then we made love. First times are supposed to hurt. They’re supposed to be awful and awkward, but that’s not how it was with us. It was perfect. We were perfect!” She yells, and though I’m not looking at her, I feel every bit of her anger and hurt like a slap to the face. “How could it have meant so little to you? How was it so easy for you to walk away?” From yelling at me to broken sobs, the change in her voice damn near breaks me apart.

When I don’t move, she goes to walk away and something inside of me snaps. Brought to my feet by forces beyond my control, I reach for her, bringing her to a stop and forcing her into my arms. Too late, I realize that my loss of control includes the emotions I didn’t want her to see. With my own tears now flowing, I bury my face in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent while wishing I were a different man. One worthy of her. One capable of giving her the apology she needs to hear.

With nothing left to lose, I let the words pour straight from my soul. “That night meant everything to me. Those memories of us together are the only thing I took with me that night that mattered. They’re what kept me warm all those months spent sleeping out in the cold. You and those memories comforted me when I was scared and alone. You and the life that I imagined for us are what got me through the horrors of deployment. They’re what helped me survive weeks surrounded by torture, pain, and death. So yes sweetheart… that kiss, the gift you gave me that night, along with every other moment spent with you, meant the world to me.”

A deep, painful sob pushes through my lungs. Overwhelmed by my confession, I succumb to the memories of finding myself in that bed after the rescue. Of waking up to the realization that what I lived for, the entire reason I fought so hard not to die, wasn’t real. What we had didn’t exist. Our children didn’t exist. The white picket fence, the goddamned dog, the vows and promises I’d made to her. None of it was real. It was a figment of my imagination. Hallucinations brought about by pain, desperation, and isolation.

Needing some space, I go to step away from her but collapse hard onto my knees. While the panic that flows through my veins numbs the pain caused by my fall, it does nothing to tamp down the roaring in my ears that is stealing my awareness. When the world around me fades to black, I break out in a cold sweat. Unable to catch my breath, I rock back and forth in a last-ditch attempt to find the oxygen I need. Unable to fill my lungs, I succumb to the dark abyss of hopeless desolation. To the place where the darkness is smothering, where the air smells like blood and death, and I’m consumed by helplessness and pain.

No…no, no, no!

But then, just as quickly as it came, the dank heat and foul smells are replaced by the familiar scent of summer air and coconut breezes. Though my ears still ring with the pounding of my heart, somehow her voice overpowers the deafening sounds of my fear. The weight of her arms around me. The feel of her warm body against mine. The soft tickle of her lips against my skin. All work in conjunction to pull me back from the grips of my waking nightmare, coaxing me back toward the soothing comfort that feels like a dream.

Wrapped in the arms of the only girl I have ever loved, the demons recede. The way their loud echoes of torment grow fainter with each passing breath only confirms what I’ve always known. She is my f*****g salvation.

“That’s it. Breathe with me, Lucas. Just breathe. I’m here. I’m here,” she cries. Her wracking sobs jolt through us both, while my mind clings to her words. “I’m right here”.

She’s here. My god… she’s really here!

Regaining control over my limbs, I pull her close, squeezing her tighter than I should, but not once does she complain or pull away. When my knees ache from the uncomfortable position, I maneuver us so I’m sitting on the soft ground with her legs wrapped around my waist. Attempting to hide the embarrassment I’m sure is written all over my face, I lay my forehead on her shoulder. On my right, Nero pokes his cold wet nose against my cheek, and his sorrow-filled whines leave me no choice but to reach up to soothe him.

“I’m okay. We’re okay,” I tell them both, my voice cracking with emotion as it hits me that the worst has come to pass. I lost control in front of her, of all people, and yet… it’s not only shame that fills me but also relief. Because, after all that, she’s still here.

“I’m sorry I left you,” I whisper. “I was a f****d-up kid buried under a s**t ton of grief. I didn’t want to leave, but Child Services was threatening to take one of us away and it had to be me. I couldn’t put Jenny through watching that happen, or risk her being taken as well, so I left. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye, but most of all, I’m sorry for letting you carry the guilt that belongs to me. Believe me, it wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done.”

When she pulls back, the way those whiskey eyes look down at me steals my breath. Even after all these years, even after everything that’s changed me, there’s one fact that still holds true. Like the sky is bound to the sun, so too am I hopelessly bound to the brown orbs that shine just as bright.

Suddenly, the urge to taste her lips overwhelms me. The need is so strong that I swallow back a groan and close my eyes. Anything to break the spell that’s got me yearning for that which I know I cannot have.

When I’m finally brave enough to look at her, she tells me, “I understand why you left, but I’m having trouble understanding why you never came back for us. For Jen. For me. We waited for you, Lucas.”

“f**k, sweetheart.” I shake my head. “It’s complicated.”

“Can you try to explain? Please.” She whispers. Her plea leaving me no choice but to tell her the truth.

“I was so damn broken. I couldn’t see how I’d fit into either of your lives after what I’d done. It’s why I enlisted in the Navy. Pushed hard to become a SEAL, and then worked my ass off, believing that’s what I would do for the rest of my life. After enough time had passed, I figured you were all better off without me, especially with what I’d become. I’m messed up, Embree. It’s so bad, not even the Navy wants me.”

At my confession, she pulls me close. Her head drops to my shoulder, where she buries her face into the crook of my neck.

“So you’re not on leave?”

“No,” I sigh. “I’m sorry I lied. I didn’t know what else to do. As you can see, I’m not in a good place. I didn’t want either of you to see me like this.”

She lays there silently for a few minutes before she lifts her head and says. “We love you regardless of what’s happened. No matter who you are now, you’re ours, Lucas. And you’re wrong about us being better off. Without you, neither of us has felt complete. It’s why we fought so hard to find you. It’s why we chased you around the world with our letters. Letters that never came back, which tells me you must have received at least some of them. But you didn’t read them, did you?”

Those damn letters both stalked and tortured me all around the globe. One coming just about every month for the first six years of my military career. Her handwriting on the envelopes would bring tears to my eyes each time I received one, and yet, I never had the courage to open a single one. I kept them safe through every mission. I collected them like the precious artifacts that they were until I could get them back to my safe deposit box in New York where to this day they still sit unopened.

Sheepishly I ask her, “How do you know I didn’t read them?”

With a knowing smile, she informs me, “Because if you had, you would know how much you were missed. You would know how badly we needed you. If you’d read those letters, you would have known that your place was always with us. You would have seen that neither of us wanted to move on without you. So why, Lucas? Why didn’t you read them?”

“Because I’m a coward… and an idiot.” I bow my head, for the first time wishing I had read the damn letters. “I was scared to find out that I’d made a mistake. Or worst, that I was right, and you were all better off without me.”

Uncomfortable with my candid response, I guide her from my lap, easing her to sit next to me instead. The instant my lap is free, Nero positions the top of his body over me in a possessive move that makes Embree laugh. The sound is like a balm to my tortured soul, especially after the heaviness of our conversation. Encouraging Nero to lie next to me instead, I bring my knees up to my chest.

“I really am sorry. I never meant to hurt either of you. Maybe someday I’ll find a way to make it up to the both of you.”

“Have you not heard a word I said, Luc?” She bumps her shoulder into mine playfully. “We love you. We’re family, which means there’s nothing for you to do except be present and accept our love. Come back to us. Let us love you.”

Tears sting at the corners of my eyes, and as is my way, I resort to self-deprecating jokes. “Well, I did warn you I’m a coward and an idiot.”

Reaching for my hand, she takes it and squeezes, her mouth forming the most beautiful grin I’ve ever seen. “That’s okay, as long as you accept that you’re our idiot.”

And with that, all tension and angst disappear.

It’s like we both take a collective breath as we look beyond the grass toward the shimmering lake. Small waves glitter in the sunlight, as a family of mallard ducks glide through the surface of the water. It’s at that moment that I find my peace again. The peace that’s eluded me since Nero and I left our wild mountain sanctuary days ago. But what makes it so terrifyingly different is that this time we’re not alone. A fact that simultaneously scares me and gives me hope that maybe I’m not doomed to a miserable life of lonely solitude.

Unwilling to hang my hopes on wishful thinking, I stand, then help her to her feet. Leaning in, I drop a tender kiss on the top of her head before leading us back to finish our meal. For the next while, our conversation remains light. Kept mainly to discussing her and Jen’s trouble-making days in high school and college.

“What about your mom and dad?” It’s a question I’ve avoided, hoping it would come up naturally during our conversation.

The way she puts her unfinished sandwich back into the wrapper confirms what I was afraid of. When she looks at me this time, all I see is grief. It’s a look that I know well, having seen it many times in the faces of the widows and family members of my fallen brothers and sisters. It’s also the look that has stared back at me in the mirror for as long as I can remember.

“My dad died about ten months after you left.”

No longer hungry, I drop what remains of my food back into the bag of trash. Staring at my hands clasped on the table, I offer my condolences. “I’m sorry you lost him.”

“Did you know? That he was sick?” When I feel her searching my face, my stomach drops. Before my eyes, I watch helplessly as the remaining pieces of the puzzle fall into place. “You knew. That night when we talked, the night that you left, you knew?”

Allowing the sadness from that day to wash over me, I nod. “I did. After the funeral, I heard your parents talking to the social worker. She told them that because your dad was sick, the state might only let them keep one of us.”

Her breath hitches, the sound snapping my eyes toward her in time to watch her collapse into her hands. A strangled sob emanates from her, and my own eyes burn at the sight of her grief. Now that she knows, I hope she can forgive me.

“You left so my parents wouldn’t have to choose.” Her voice is weak while she continues to sob.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Having just lost my mom and dad, I knew the heartache you’d have to face. That night, I just couldn’t fathom being the one to inflict that kind of pain. I’d already broken Jenny’s heart by taking away our parents. I didn’t want to do the same thing to you.”

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Author’s Note:

This chapter broke my heart! Lucas wants so badly to be loved. His yearning for family, to belong to someone or to something is so strong, yet it's like he won't allow himself to have it. He often mentions that he doesn't deserve to be happy, but part of me wonders if it's more about his fear of loss. Of having the "universe" as he refers to it, rip it all away again, just as it did with the loss of his parents, the loss of his comrades, and the loss of his career.

What do you think? I can’t wait to read all your comments!



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