YOU BEFORE ME

Chapter 10

Sandra

Later that afternoon, while I was sitting in my bed still trying to catch my mind up to what was happening, Dr. Wilson came back. A nurse had already been by, and I'd filled out the necessary papers, everything else was up to them to work on. In the meantime, I'd had a bit of an explanation of what dialysis was so I would be prepared.

What Dr. Wilson had said before was pretty much it, I would be attached to a tube, and I would have to stay that way for a while. He'd just neglected to say exactly how. They weren't just going to put a needle on the back of my hand like with the IV, this was going to be a little more painful than that, and I'd be awake for it. There was even a type of dialysis, where this tube would be attached to my neck, and I had responded to the news with horror.

There was no time to grieve over my situation. This was something good for me, so of course, it was something I had to do, but I wasn't looking forward to it.

When Dr. Wilson showed up, I couldn't even tell if I was glad to see him this time, considering he was probably here to take me to get my treatment. I had agreed to this treatment, but did it have to come so quickly? I had asked the nurse, and she said yes, so I couldn't run away from it.

"Dr. Wilson," I said to be polite, trying to smile, though it probably came off looking more like a grimace.

"Hi, Sandra," he said, sitting on the seat beside my bed. "How are you?"

He had a slight frown on his face, but I could tell that he was genuinely concerned for me, and my smile got a little more genuine.

"A little embarrassed, for one thing," I admitted. "I...reacted a little strongly before."

"It's to be expected," he said, coming to my defense. "Your reaction wasn't anything I didn't expect, learning you have kidney failure isn't something people can take lightly, because it's actually pretty serious."

"I don't know how I missed it. I was relatively okay before; I worked just fine every day. I can't even tell where that started to change, but out of nowhere I'd start feeling tired quickly, my appetite started dying out, and I would keep making mistakes at work. I can't believe I never noticed..."

"You don't have to be so hard on yourself, regarding that," he said quickly. "A lot of people don't recognize these things like symptoms to be wary of, it could just be that you need to slow down, or it could be something serious."

"But maybe if I had gone to see a doctor a lot sooner..."

"There's no way to say, but you might have saved a kidney if you were lucky. But even if you'd gone to a doctor, they might not have searched for it, so there's really no way to know whether you made the right or wrong decision, so don't let it eat you up. For now, we have to be glad that it was caught just in time for you to make the right changes for yourself."

I nodded at his words. Even if any of the scenarios I'd been thinking about since he gave me the news was real, there was nothing I could change about the situation now, I could only move forward.

"Did the nurse tell you about the treatments?"

I nodded my head slowly. "I would like to know, if you're going to be sticking a tube in my neck?" I asked as calmly as I could.

Dr. Wilson winced, "You'll only need two needles inserted in your arm or leg. We'll attach a tube to each needle which will be attached to the dialysis machine. The machine will perform the functions your kidneys can't. It won't be too painful, so if that's what you're worried about, you don't have to be."

My hands played with the sheets, clenching and unclenching, showing off my nervousness. Even though he said so, it would be impossible not to worry about this. Telling me there would be two needles didn't make me any calmer, either.

"Anyway, I came to get you because everything is set up and we're only waiting for you."

My hands clenched tightly. "Are you going to bring this machine to me?"

"No, everything's set up in another room, we can go there and hook you up. Once you're done, you can come back here to sleep."

"How long will it take?"

Dr. Wilson hesitated. "How long the dialysis takes really depends on a lot of things, but it's going to be several hours. I can keep you company for some of that time because I'll need to monitor you anyway since this is your first time going through a treatment like this. You can even sleep during the process, though eating isn't advised. You'll need it done about three times a week, and the times won't change much for how long you'll need to stay attached. Do you have more questions you'd like the answer to?"

I swallowed and shook my head. In truth, of course, there were a bunch of questions I wanted to ask. I wanted to know the whole process of what was going to happen once I got to where he wanted to take me, and what would be happening in my body for that time. I hadn't imagined dialysis involved being attached to a machine through a tube and staying that way for hours. The nurse before had told me a few things, but I realized I should have asked for a more in-depth explanation before she left. Only, at the time, I was more worried about the pain that would be involved. Not that I wasn't still.

"We really need to be heading off now," Dr. Wilson said, getting up and looking at me expectantly. "The earlier we can get this done, the sooner you can get your rest. I'll bring you right back here myself once your dialysis is done, okay?"

I nodded, a little jerkily, and slipped out of bed under his watchful gaze. I put on my slippers then shuffled after him as he led the way.

As we walked, I had my head ducked down, because I didn't know what expression I had on my face and I didn't want others to see. I bit down on my lip as I held back another flood of tears. In that hour I'd waited for a nurse to show up, I had used it up to cry, and I'd squeezed out a few tears while she was there, and after she left. That was a couple of hours ago already, though I knew I wasn't calm. Considering the weight of the news I got, it was impossible to get over it so quickly. Even after I'd calmed down, it would hit me again, and my heart would squeeze so painfully I thought I would pass out from it. The same thing was happening right then, and I kept my focus on Dr. Wilson moving in front of me to keep my feet following behind him.

We made it to the room Dr. Wilson mentioned, and I sighed with some form of relief when I realized it meant I would be getting a private room. This was so much easier than having other people there.

"Sit down on the bed, please," Dr. Wilson instructed. "And lean back. I'll be with you in a bit. If you don't want to watch, feel free to close your eyes, but don't tense your body up."

I nodded as I moved past him and to the bed. I could see a machine beside the couch with a screen and a bunch of tubes attached to it, but I looked away from it pretty quickly.

"Can I do this sitting up?" I asked.

"Sure. I can adjust the bed for you, though you'd still need to be leaning slightly back. It's the best position for this since I want to use your arm for the treatment. It should be fine for you; I think since we've drawn blood from your arm, as well."

He came over and helped me adjust the bed, and the pillows behind me. Then, as he'd suggested, I closed my eyes and tried to relax my body, taking in relaxing breaths as I tried to think about something, anything else.

"Okay," Dr. Wilson said, coming closer once more, his voice low and soothing. "Do you want me to explain what I'm doing, or would you prefer quiet?"

I swallowed. "Um, just tell me. I'd like to know, since I'll be doing this again, right?"

There was a short silence, and then it started. He explained a bit more about the process, the machine and what it would be doing, how it would be attached to me. As he did it all, he kept talking, and I focused on his voice to push aside everything else. I almost tensed up when I felt his touch on my arm, but he paused, his voice continuing, so low and soothing, that it helped me relax once more. There was some pain, but it was only a little bit, and I could put up with it.

"All right!" Dr. Wilson said after some time, sounding pleased. "We're done with the first part of this thing. Now, all you need to do is wait."

I blinked my eyes open, meeting his gaze first before my eyes fell on my arm, and I grimaced. The tubes were attached, and there were two of them. I knew one tube would be pulling blood from me, and the other would be pushing it back in once it was cleaned in the machine, according to Dr. Wilson's explanation. I couldn't tell which did what, though, and I looked away. Tape attached them, and I couldn't see where they were attached, which was good. My stomach flipped a little, but I could endure it.

"You don't actually have to stay with me you know," I said, facing Dr. Wilson again. "I'm going to be here for a few hours, right? You probably have work."

He looked over the machine, glanced at the monitor and touched it here and there. I had no idea what it was all about, but he looked like he knew what he was doing, so I didn't mention it. When he was done, he dragged a seat closer to the bed then sat on it, meeting my gaze with a severe expression.

"I needed to talk to you anyway, so it's just as well that I'm here."

I tilted my head to the side, feeling curious. Now that the whole thing was happening, I could relax about it a little, and focus on other things instead of being so nervous about the tubes in my arm.

"I...have heard a bit about your story from asking around. When you were asking to be discharged..."

"Oh, that." I frowned. "That is still a problem for me, so that you know. You didn't need to ask other people, either. It's not like I was trying to hide anything."

Dr. Wilson nodded. "All right. But, the news is that you're looking after your mom? And she was diagnosed with dementia at this hospital?"

I nodded.

"Have you thought about what you'll do about your mother while you're receiving treatments?"

I frowned. I hadn't had much time to think about much, but this wasn't something I was about to start debating. I would have to go home at some point, hopefully, sooner rather than later, too.

"You said I only need to do this about three days a week, right?" I said. "Then wouldn't it still be doable? After this, I'll be good enough to go home, at least until I need dialysis again, right? I can just have someone to look after her when I'm not there."

Dr. Wilson's expression didn't change in the middle of my explanation, and I deepened my frown at him. I didn't see anything wrong with my assessment. He'd said it himself that I needed dialysis three days a week for a few hours. If it were just that, a few hours in three days away from home would be manageable. It wasn't like I could use that as an excuse to live in the hospital, now that we knew what was wrong with me and treatments were starting.

"It might still be a few days before you can leave the hospital," Dr. Wilson explained. "Just getting dialysis doesn't mean everything is fixed. We need to monitor you for a bit and make sure you're reacting to it well before you can even begin getting discharged. Maybe after your next session - "

"But I've already been here for nearly a week. Isn't that more than enough?"

He nodded. "It is, which is why this was scheduled so quickly, because you don't just get on a dialysis machine, Sandra. If we hadn't done all the tests on you that we had, this would have been happening tomorrow, or the next day. If possible, I'd like to see your body's reaction after this, skip a day, and have you back here the day after that."

"But I don't need to be here tomorrow," I said stubbornly.

"As a precaution, I would feel better if you stayed."

He went quiet, and so did I, and for a long moment, it was just the two of us looking at each other. There was no way I was backing up on this; I just couldn't.

"Sandra," Dr. Wilson started, his voice careful. "Have you maybe...thought of putting your mom in a home?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, my voice sharp as I spoke, "What?"

"It might be the best course of action for you to take. Yes, this treatment is going to help you, but I can't guarantee you'll stop feeling weak, or won't have any more fainting spells. Your situation is looking up right now, but it could dive down at any moment. You might not be in the best condition to look after your mom in that case - "

"Stop," I said, and I almost raised my hand, only to remember in the last minute that it still had a tube attached to it. I didn't lift my other arm, either, because I'd paused too long. "Dr. Wilson, no offense, but please mind your own business. I'm perfectly well enough to look after my mom."

I kept my voice level, telling him as much as I was telling myself. The truth, though, was that I was a bit under a strain. Even before the whole fainting thing happened. I was under stress the entire time I had to look after Mom, because I was worried to leave her alone, and at the same time I was worried about when dementia would eat up all that I had left of my mom. It was inevitable that it would get to a point where she couldn't recognize me, and who would be calm with that? Mom was getting more challenging to look after, too, which was why I couldn't be relaxed leaving her alone the way she was.

When I got back, my family was still helping, my cousins in particular. But even they stopped helping me after the first week because they'd felt they'd done enough while I was still away, and didn't need to keep doing more.

"Do you at least have help looking after her?" Dr. Wilson asked as if he could read my thoughts and knew where they were at.

"Yeah," I lied, keeping my gaze steady on his. "I have two cousins that help me out, and my neighbor tries every once in a while. She...she came to see me today to let me know that it's a little hard on her taking care of my mom in the time I've been here because she wasn't supposed to do it full time. I didn't expect any of this, but it doesn't mean..."

The urge to cry had come back, and in the middle of my speech, my words started wobbling, until I had to stop as my breath hitched in my throat, my eyesight blurring with tears. I looked away from him as the tears fell, trying not to clench my fists because it might affect my veins. I breathed in gasps as I tried to get ahold of myself, but the more I tried, the worse it was.

I felt a hand at the top of my head, and I ducked my head down but didn't move away from the touch. Dr. Wilson sighed, carding his fingers through my hair.

"I know this situation is hard on you. I don't know how much I can do, but I can help you if you want it. Just let me know, okay, Sandra? I'm only saying this because I'm worried about you."

His voice was low and persuasive, but even without him using that tone, I would have believed him. If he didn't care in the first place, he wouldn't have tried to find out my situation, spent so much time with me, or tried to comfort me. I wasn't sure if I could accept his help, but I nodded anyway to show my appreciation.

We had a few hours until I had to head back to my room, so I had plenty of times to think some things through and God knows that there was more than a little to think about at the moment.