YOU BEFORE ME

Chapter 8

Sandra

After eating, I made my way back to my bed. I'd held some hope Dr. Wilson would make an appearance, but he never showed up. I managed to keep something down, at least, but without him there keeping watch, I didn't eat as much as I should have. Still, with as much as I'd eaten the past six days, it was probably more than I'd had in the two or three weeks before.

This is the last day, I thought. I won't be taking any more of his excuses.

I'd done as he wanted and stuck around as they did their tests, but if I'd known the days were going by so quickly, I would have gotten him to get me discharged a long time ago. They couldn't possibly hold me against my will. Hell, I could have just had the tests done and gone home, then have them contact me when they had their results. The tests would have been done, and I would have been taking care of my mom while we all waited. I had been so relaxed in the hospital, and now realizing the situation I'd left my mom in, there was no way I could stay that way.

Surprisingly, though, when I finally made it back to my bed, it was to find Dr. Wilson there.

"Dr. Wilson?" I said, surprised. Then I smiled. "If you came to get me for lunch, you're a bit late. I already ate, and I did it all by myself."

His lips quirked at the edges, but he didn't smile as I'd hoped he would. Looking closely, there was something strange about his expression. At least usually, he had a smile for me if only out of politeness, or professionalism, but besides that single twitch, his expression was grave. My heart nearly froze just from that look on his face.

"Is there something wrong, Dr. Wilson?" I asked.

He sighed, looking down at the clipboard in his hands, that he must have picked up from the end of my bed because I couldn't see one where I'd left it. What I knew, on the clipboard was my patient chart with a bunch of information that I wouldn't be able to understand even if I read it.

"Can you sit down?" he said instead of answering. "I need to speak to you about something."

"Okay," I said slowly, moving to sit down. I wasn't smiling anymore.

I pushed aside the covers and climbed onto the bed, as Dr. Wilson moved with the same seat as before to be beside the bed. There was a pillow at the head of the bed, and I positioned it then leaned back, pulling the covers over my lap. I didn't need to cover myself, but I clenched my fingers in the sheets as I tried to calm my heart, which had started beating fast.

"I meant to ask you," I said before he could speak, trying to put off whatever he wanted to say. "I have someone waiting for me at home, someone I need to look after. My neighbor had been helping me out, but I've been in the hospital for six days already, and I can't keep burdening her.

Dr. Wilson frowned. "Ah, I had no idea. I just thought you wanted to leave as quickly as possible..."

"Well, that hasn't happened. And this was the reason for that hurry. So, do you think I could get discharged soon?"

Dr. Wilson's expression changed again, becoming strange. I couldn't read whatever he was thinking, but considering how he'd reacted now and how he'd reacted when I last asked that question, hearing the answer worried me a little.

"Sandra, we need to talk about your hospital stay."

I frowned lightly, remained calm outwardly, while inside, my heart was ready to jump out of my chest. I wasn't connected to any monitors now, so it was easier to hide.

"I don't know what you mean by that," I said. "Tell me when I can leave so I can get on with my life, please. I've stayed way longer than I should have."

"It's good for you that you've stayed this long," he said slowly. "And I'm afraid you're going to have to stay with us a bit longer."

"Is it more tests?" I asked, jumping to this idea because it was a somewhat safe one. The way he was acting, it was as if he'd found something serious in the last round of tests he'd done, and if that were the case, I wouldn't mind having more tests so he could see there was nothing.

While my lifestyle in the city hadn't been a hundred percent healthy and pure, I did take care of myself. I wasn't particularly athletic, but I did walk a lot and even exercised a bit. Because I didn't have many funds when I started out, and I had roommates back then, I usually cooked my meals. Sure, it had declined a lot recently, but besides losing my appetite and feeling a bit tired, I was fine. Or, I thought I was, but the good doctor's face was telling me I might not be.

"We...don't need any more tests at the moment," he said, looking down at the clipboard. "Right now, we need to move forward to treatment."

I chewed on my lip for a second. When I spoke, my voice was quiet. "Treatment for what?"

Dr. Wilson met my gaze, and his expression was blank, and that scared me more.

"From everything since the day you came here, the answers you gave to the questions I had the nurse ask you about your day to day life in the past several months, and the tests we did, I've finally come to a few conclusions."

"And?" I said tentatively.

"And you and I need to talk."

"Ah," I murmured. "It's something serious, then."

The expression on his face didn't change, but I thought I saw sympathy shining through his eyes.

"It is affecting both of your kidneys, one worse than the other. It is why your appetite has deteriorated and you've been feeling exhausted more easily."

Acute Kidney Failure? I had no idea what that meant, but it didn't sound good. What could have caused this?

"Can this be treated?" I asked after a minute.

Dr. Wilson nodded. "Treatment is entirely possible. We... I know I said no more tests, but we might have to do a few more. In the meantime, the best thing for you would be to go on dialysis. Do you know what that is?"

I blinked at him. I'd heard the word before, sure, but it was probably in a high school science class. I knew it had something to do with helping the kidneys, but I didn't remember any specifics.

"Wait," I said, linking some more. "Why do I need dialysis in the first place? What about my kidneys? What's the treatment?"

Dr. Wilson stared at me blankly for so long I thought I would faint outright from the suspense eating at me. Even if he didn't say anything more, I could already guess something was wrong here.

"Sandra..." Dr. Wilson said haltingly."According to the latest tests... I can tell you with total certainty, that the damage to your left kidney is so severe it is already failing and the other is not far behind."

"But how? I mean why is this happening?"

"An infection must have settled in your kidneys, it may have been caused by too much ibuprofen, or aspirin, or maybe an allergic reaction to something else. I cannot say for certain, but it has led to damage too severe to reverse. Dialysis is only a short-term solution. You will...have to have a kidney transplant sometime in the future. I can't tell you when, but you're lucky you came in when you did, or you might have been in a critical state before you realized it was anything serious."

"Yes. And you need to know; dialysis is only a short-term solution. You will... have to have a kidney transplant sometime in the future. I can't tell you when, but you're lucky you came when you did, or you might have been in a critical state before you realized it was anything serious."

"Lucky," I murmured to myself, thinking how ridiculous that word sounded to me now.

How could I possibly be lucky? Sure, I could have died, and now I have a fighting chance, but what did that mean for me? For mom?

What am I supposed to do now?

"The dialysis can be done right here at the hospital," Dr. Wilson was saying. "Luckily, we have a dialysis unit available at the hospital so you won't need to go elsewhere. The problem with your kidneys is part of why you're not eating well, so the sooner we start the treatments, the better it will be for you. I can't tell you how long this will last, but after you fill out some paperwork, we can start as soon as possible."

Dr. Wilson kept talking, but I wasn't listening. I knew this was important, possibly a life and death thing, but my mind was still in a jumble. Some of what he was saying did set in with me. He didn't know how long I could last with dialysis alone. I would need a kidney transplant soon.

Where the hell was I going to get a new kidney? Besides my mom, I didn't have any direct family, and I didn't think my cousins would be of much help. While I didn't know much about transplants, I at least knew the donor had to be the same blood type as me.

Before I knew it, my eyesight was blurring, and my breath hitched as the first tears fell. Dr. Wilson stopped in the middle of whatever he was saying, and he sighed. I felt his hand on my back, rubbing in soothing circles, but I remained hunched over, my hands still clutching the sheets trembling. Tears hit the back of my hands.

"Sandra... I know this is a lot to take in, but it can be managed. Right now, try to focus on the positive, okay? Don't worry. I'll have your name registered on the donor list by tonight, so we can start looking for one for you. I'll let you know as soon as we have one available."

"What about the cost?" I asked in a hoarse whisper through the tears.

Dr. Wilson hesitated again. "The cost will be substantial. But I think we can focus on that a bit later. You have insurance coverage, don't you?"

I nodded miserably.

"Okay. I'm not sure just what it covers, but I'll help you look it over. We can do that later. You've eaten already, which is good. I'll explain a bit more about dialysis to you, but you're going to be attached to a tube for a while as we clean out your kidneys. It's a pain-free process; you can even sleep through it, or read. You shouldn't eat."

I nodded my head as he spoke, listening a little this time, but I didn't stop crying. I couldn't. When I didn't think things could be much worse, they were. I still had to worry about Mom and now failing kidneys as well? I wasn't sure I could keep up. When Dr. Wilson didn't have more to say, his hand on my back stopped, and we stayed in an awkward silence for a while.

"Um," I whispered. "Do you think you could leave me alone now? Please?"

There was some hesitation before he sighed and removed the hand he had on my back. Then he got up.

"I'll be back in about an hour," he said, then quietly left.

I was thankful to him, as I slid lower in the bed, shifted onto my side and pulled the covers over my head. I heard the curtains getting pulled back around my bed as I cried underneath the sheets, heartbroken.