One world

Chapter 1: Aftermath

Chapter 1

Emma

Having a tortured soul that’s always hurting, is always living with pain. Constant pain. The nights are the worst. That's when I panic. That's when I believe that the darkness will never leave when I think my would will never heal. Morning always comes back, but not fast enough. Not before I feel like I could actually hurt myself. And not before I accidentally wake up John.

During the day, I'm fine. I mean I try to be fine, I wish I could say I was. I'm not. I want to be. More than anything, I want to be fine. I want to be at least okay. But I'm not.

Simply said, I'm torn. I don't even feel like I'm a person, I'm broken into pieces. John says that even if it's the last thing he does he's going to put the pieces together again. I don't want to burden him, but right now I feel like nothing but a burden to him. I know I'm a burden even though he insists I'm not. He's just too kind. He's John Carter, he's born to be good.

When I got back to school, I focused so hard on being able to graduate, I didn't have time to stop and think of how I felt and how I’d been affected by everything I went through. After graduation and the summer before college started, it suddenly hit me. It hit me hard when I realized that I'm not as good as I thought, I hadn't gotten over what happened. So I started to think, will I ever get over it? Will I ever be okay? I'll probably have to live with my PTSD my whole life but, I want to feel better. I just don't know how to be okay and feel better. How do you go on after being kidnapped, tortured, and r***d?

"Emma?"

I look up and see Julia. She's standing in front of me. I look around. Right. I'm sitting on a bench in the campus courtyard. I've got a notepad in my lap. My arm is stinging a bit. I look down at my arm, I've been scratching it with my pencil, I've gotten a little wound and a lot of red marks.

"What are you doing?" Julia asks, sitting down beside me.

"I... um, I'm sitting here?" I ask, truth to be told I don't really know what I'm doing, I'd almost forgotten that I was sitting here.

This happens often though, I'm so deep in my thoughts and my head that I sometimes forget where I am and what I'm doing. It's a little scary that I can just tune out like this. Yesterday, I was so deep in thought that I didn't watch before crossing the road. I was almost hit by a bus, but Lucas ran up to me and tackled me forward, we both fell down on the other side of the road. I didn't even realize what was about to happen.

"You've forgotten, haven't you?" Julia asks.

I sigh. "Yeah", I say. I feel like a fool when these things happen, I don’t mean for them to happen, and I don’t what them to happen. I don’t want to tune out like this, I want to be able to always have a clear mind. It feels I'm in a constant fog, almost like a drunken fog. I haven’t dared to drive my car since this first happened.

"Maybe you should see a therapist or something", Julia says worriedly. "If you're starting to hurt yourself unknowingly, this could end badly".

"I'm not starting to hurt myself", I say, but I know I'm wrong, it's not the first time. And the need to hurt me grows stronger and stronger, no matter if I'm in my deep foggy thoughts or not. That's not something I'm going to share with anyone though.

"Emma", Julia says. "There's nothing wrong with going to a therapist, after having gone through what you've been through of course you're not alright, you should’ve seen a therapist as soon as you got back home".

Julia sees right through me, like always. She knows me too well. "I'm not going to a therapist".

I stand up.

“There is nothing wrong with asking for a little help”, Julia insists. “You might feel better”.

“I really doubt it”, I say skeptically. “Right now I need caffeine to get a clear head”.

Julia sighs but agrees to go buy coffee before class. Campus coffee shop makes really great coffee, the best I’ve ever had. I’ve actually started to drink a lot of coffee lately, to keep the fog away. It helps a little but not all the time and not very long.

Right now I’m dreading what John is going to say. He will be worried again, just like Julia. He still hasn’t let go of what happened yesterday, this will put more salt into the wound. He cares, maybe too much. I’m damaged and it is not worth worrying about. Damaged people are lost, people. I’m a lost girl. But John is determined to find me, he told me so when I told him that I’m lost. I don’t know if he can repair me.

After getting our coffees we head towards class, that’s on the other side of the campus. It takes a little while to walk there. The whole way I sip on my coffee and try to avoid looking at Julia, who I know is irritated at me and I get why.

When we get to the other side of the campus we meet John and Lucas who's got the same class as us. This is the only class we have together but we have time to spend with each other anyways during the days.

As soon as they see us they spot my scratched arm. I don't have a long-sleeved shirt on, so it's pretty visible.

“What did you do?” John asks immediately.

“I don't know, I guess I scratched my arm with my pen”, I say.

“She can't remember”, Julia says.

“So you are now hurting yourself unconsciously?” Luke asks.

“Apparently”, I say. “I will just have to drink more coffee”.

They seem worried about the fact that I don't care about the fact that I tune out a lot. I care, that's why I don't drive my car, but I still don't want to see a therapist.

“You need help”, Luke says and crosses his arms over his chest. “First, the thing yesterday and now this, you aren't healthy”.

“No I'm not that's true, but I’d like to see you healthy after being kidnapped, tortured, and r***d”, I snapped at him.

John takes my hand, he holds it tight in his.

“If I could, I would turn back the clock and never leave the house that day”, he says.

I sigh and kiss his cheek.

“You know it's not your fault”, I say.

He still thinks it's all his fault even though I tell him it's not. I would never blame him.

“I still think you should see a therapist”, Luke says.

“What could I talk to a stranger about that I could talk to you about?” I ask.

“Nothing, but a therapist could help you feel better”, Julia says.

“A stranger can’t help me feel better”, I say. “Stop nagging”.

I know that they only want the help and to be there for me, but they're nagging about seeing a therapist and it's starting to get on my nerves. John isn't nagging about a therapist but I know that he wants me to see one.

I know everyone wants me to see one, even my mother and stepfather have been talking to me about that. But it doesn't matter.

I live with John in a small student apartment and I can manage by myself with John. I love John, and I would never intentionally hurt myself. I'm not a danger to myself, I just have a lot of thoughts going on inside my head, that's all.

“Are you really sure about that?” John asks.

“Yes”, I say. “Let's just get to class”.

They let it go and we head to class, but I know that it’s not the last time we have this conversation.