My Mafia Wolf

Letter’s

“Can I come in?”

Gill my next door tent neighbour asked.

I pulled down the zip of my tent and she poked her head inside. She is another of John’s girls. Pixie cut pink hair, blue round eyes and a port wine stain birthmark on the left side of her cheek. Gill is 23 years old, not to tall and she is a wee bit on the thin side.

She zipped up the tent and sat down next to me, cradling me into her warm yet slender arms. She smelt of booze and cigarettes but I didn’t mind.

The comfort was welcoming and it made me feel like I was less than alone. She rocked me back and forth for a while rubbing small circles on my back as I Mourned the loss of my adopted mother.

After I had calmed down she dried my face with her sleeve and place a warm soft kiss to my fore head.

“What do you have there?”

She asked looking at the papers in my hands

They were now crumbled and wet with my tears.

“Lisa left this for me with Miss Gina, I can’t seem to bring myself to read it.”

“Would you allow me to read it for you?”

“Please”

I handed her the papers…

Then she started reading…

My sweet Logan.

I am your mom Laura and I am so sorry that I had to leave you like this. I wish I could have spent some time with you, but as fate would have it I could only bring you into this world I wasn’t meant to be a part of your life growing up. But I’d choose you over anything again. My decision was to save you. Since the time I found out I was pregnant I have loved you and when I was told about all the complications I would face if I had you due to my heart’s condition, I knew that no matter what my baby would live even if that meant I couldn’t I knew you would be safe with Lisa. My heart broke when the doctors had told me that you have the very same heart disease that I have and that it would be better if I terminated the pregnancy but I refused to do so. I just knew that you’re strong and that you’ll make it no matter what any doctor said they weren’t god. I prayed to him every single day to keep me strong enough so I could bring you into this world. I’m sure one day you’ll want to know about your dad. He is a wonderful man, he was so happy to hear about the pregnancy. A few months later he got arrested for murder and was sentenced to life without parole and I never heard from him again. His name is Lucas Mayer, I love you my sweet child listen to Lisa don’t make the mistakes we made, go out into the world and make something of yourself. All my love mom.

I had a dad who was locked up for murder in god only knows which prison, my mother chose me over her own life. I lost Lisa, I have been homeless for all my life but it never felt like I was actually homeless until this very moment.

Gill held onto me tightly as a another sob left my frail thin frame, why was everyone leaving me? What have I done to fell this lonely?

Gill put down the pile of papers but I stopped her, I wanted her to read them for me.

This one is from you dad…

She whispered

Hi… love bug… you’re probably so big by now… how I wish I could see you. I know we have never met but know that I have loved you since the day your mother informed me about her pregnancy… I’ve made mistakes love bug, really big mistakes and it costed me you… but I don’t regret it one bit. The only part I regret is that I won’t be there to see my love bug growing up. I’ll miss out on so many of your milestones. This will be my first and only letter as much as it pains me I want it to be your decision whether you want me in your life or not. I with you would choose to have me in it even though we won’t see that much of each other we could be like pen pals or something. As I sit in this cold cell for most of my day, I wish to see you every single day of my life. Sometimes I wished I did things differently but that would mean no more you and your mother. The day I heard about her passing I was both happy and broken. I gained a daughter but I lost the love of my life, I know Lisa will take good care of you but that didn’t mean that I didn’t feel like I was leaving my responsibilities to her. I wish I knew what you looked like. Are you as beautiful as your mother or did you inherit my handsomely good looks. My eyes or hers. Come see me love bug… or write to me I just want to know that you’re okay… until then take care of yourself.

With love, kisses and hugs from dad.

Lucas Mayer

So many emotions swam through me. I was to young to be feeling all this loss and pain right? My dad loved me and if I understood correctly his in prison because of something that involved myself and mom.

I felt a sense of relief that my father wasn’t a cold blooded killer whatever drove him to commit murder must have been enough for him to make that decision.

Murder was murder that much I knew but what about if you did it to protect someone you love? Lisa knew my dad was alive why didn’t she say anything? I know he said it was my decision but I still felt like he should’ve tried more or written more.

“Do you want me to read the last one?”

Gill asked, I had forgotten about her in my train of thoughts…

“Yes please.”

“This one is from Lisa.”

She said

I hope you’re not mad at me, I tried to stick around for as long as I could for your sake but I just got so tired, I pray that you are stronger than me, that you never accept the things I have accepted. Fight for what is right and never settle for less than you deserve, always know your worth and know that without you in my life I wouldn’t have been half the person i was. I am and alway will be grateful to have had you as a daughter even if you weren’t my own. Remember our promise. Please take care of yourself and don’t trust John. I love you Logan.

Lisa.

I had no more tears to cry, my eyes were puffy and my head was pounding. My nose had felt raw from all the wiping. My throat dry and worse. I did that thing kids did after crying for such a long time.

Gill never let go of me once I calmed down she told me she would be right back and when she returned she had a bottle of water and a sandwich in her hands.

She gave them to me and I finished the water in one go all that crying had dried my insides but I refused the sandwich. I was in no mood to eat not when I felt like this.

But Gill forced me to have just one bite of the ham and cheese sandwich after my late supper she laid me down then laid beside me wrapping her arms around me and humming a tune I always heard her hum.

“What is that?”

I asked her

“What?”

“That tune, you’re always humming it”

“Oh just something I remember my mother humming to me when I was little. I don’t know the name of it though.”

“Where is she? Your mum”

“Somewhere, I’m not sure if she is still alive or not”

“Do you miss her?”

I asked hoping I wasn’t over stepping

“Sometimes, but how can you miss someone you can’t remember? I miss the idea of have a mum.”

“I don’t remember my mum but I miss her.”

I said

“That’s because her memory lived with you through Lisa, she made sure you knew her. I didn’t have that.”

“Do you wish you did?”

“Most of the time I do. I wish I had someone to braid my hair.”

“I can braid it if you’d like.”

“I’d love that very much but for now get some sleep you’ve had a long day”