Different Countries

Chapter 4

4AT FIRST, IT WAS just the warmth of the candlelight on the bedside table-drawer that Katherine felt, and mostly on her cheeks. The sweet blueberry and vanilla scents of the candles passed through her nostrils and instantly triggered some sweet memories, not in her mind but in her body. During her honeymoon, Katherine had also filled the hotel room with sweet-smelling candles. On special occasions like their anniversaries and birthdays, or Valentine’s Day, to ease the pressure of thinking about conceiving or not, Katherine would also resort to candles to make their celebration more romantic. She could now feel warmth coming from another part of her body and the scent of Dennis’s soap on his skin started to penetrate her nostrils. This wasn’t just memory; it was her and Dennis’s bodies telling her the desire was still real, not just caused by the candles. She smiled for two reasons—for her and Dennis’s satisfaction, evident in his loud, almost pained sigh. Katherine knew that this was the time of the month she could get pregnant, but they had stopped marking the calendar.

Dennis was almost asleep when he lay down beside Katherine, their hands still clasping. Katherine was wide awake, tempted again to start a conversation, something which Dennis often resented because he couldn’t understand why Katherine wouldn’t feel exhausted and sleepy like him. It was as if after getting physically and emotionally sated, Katherine would always be fully recharged to talk about unresolved issues in their personal lives. The last time Katherine did this, she told Dennis that making love these days seemed better because they were not so distracted by getting pregnant, but that she was also afraid that because of Phirun they were giving up on the idea of having their own.

“That is the most ridiculous thing,” Dennis had quipped and left it at that. Katherine was then unsure whether it was something that could assure her or he was just too tired to expound, because he had immediately dozed off after that remark.

Katherine blew out the candles, went back to bed, and sank her head into the pillow. This time, what she had in mind was not something she was willing to discuss with Dennis, even after almost four years of marriage. Katherine didn’t doubt that they had gotten married because they loved each other and they wanted to be together; to have a family too. Katherine was sure of that even now. They were both ready for it. They were at the right age, she was in her early 30s and Dennis was just a couple of years older. Dennis had often described himself as a late bloomer—after being an underground activist, he surfaced and finished college in his late 20s, worked in non-government organizations which he saw as a way to continue his social activism. He met Katherine during a sit-in peasant rally at the office of the agrarian reform department which she was covering then as a reporter for a national daily. He didn’t lose time wooing her, even if he had to pursue short-term graduate studies in Economics in Europe. When Dennis came back to the Philippines he and Katherine got married.

They felt the first bump in their marriage when Dennis accepted a two-year job contract with an international NGO based in Cambodia only over a year after they got wed. Dennis didn’t want to sacrifice the post because he was just beginning a career in his mid-30s. But Katherine didn’t want a long-distance relationship. She could follow him and stay there but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to quit her job as journalist. Katherine would eventually quit her job after they had been separated for a year. The second, more obstinate problem had been the failure to get pregnant. But there was another hurdle, one that Katherine often denied to herself; it was the most difficult to overcome.

Katherine relished the room’s darkness, with only the remaining hint of candle smoke still in the air. She allowed herself to feel vulnerable without shame, to feel alone even with Dennis beside her. In this setting, she was more prepared to acknowledge that at the back of her mind, there was that lingering though often denied desire. Sometimes she felt like she didn’t want to be pregnant. She had always been insecure about becoming a good mother. She had always felt incomplete—if she would have a child, a girl was what she imagined, what was there to tell her daughter if she, Katherine, could not even piece together the lost parts of their vague family history. She would have no story to pass on to her daughter, only secrets to hide.

Dennis’s voice seemed to suddenly pull Katherine out of her semi-conscious state; at first Katherine thought the intrusion was just in her mind, a memory being evoked. But Dennis actually spoke—“take Phirun to your project; it would do both of you good”—and immediately went back to sleep like the last time, giving Katherine no time to ask questions.