Falling for my fake boyfriend

2 - The good listener

There’s something about talking to someone whose features you can't distinguish. It oddly makes you tell all your secrets. Well not all, but some. At least it compels you to answer questions truthfully and without a filter. 

“I don’t do a very good job at selling myself. At least that’s what I’ve been told.” I could sense his confusion, and I quickly explained myself before the man thought of me as an escort, and a failed one at that. “I mean I may have tanked my interview, and because of my awkwardness, I imagined I might not get an offer. So I figured I should put in an effort and let them see I’m not a robot as I’m sure I made myself appear during the interview.” 

Truth be told, I might not have done so badly during the interview. Mr. Fox didn’t seem that bothered about my stammering, gulping and tomato red face, glazed with sweat. He was, dare I say, impressed by my knowledge outside of what you learn in school.

“But are you planning to join the program if you get an offer, then?” I’d be stupid not to. Vauxhall had one of the best internship programs. Or at least, that was what I had been telling myself to cover the terrifying truth. Which was that, honestly, I was a bit on the fence about this whole internship thing. It’s basically more school, and after four years in University and then an extra two getting my Master’s degree, I was ready to stop and do something else. Anything else, just no more school. OK, fine, maybe something that involved engineering and design. In the automotive industry. Damn it!

“I… I don’t know, maybe. I must say, the line between excellent career choice and critical life screwup is getting a bit blurry here” I sigh in frustration.

“It seems to me like you’re leaning toward screwup.” He sounded like he was smiling, enjoying my misery.

“No. Well… I just…” I lose my train of thought just as fast as I had an equally condescending remark to make. 

“You just… what?” 

Blinking again furiously, and still unable to see more than the man's blurry outline, I worry on my bottom lip. 

“What if I’m not good enough?” I blurted out before my brain could stop my mouth from spilling. And why, God, why was I baring the deepest fears out to this random bathroom guy? And what was the point, anyway? Every time I laid out my doubts to friends and acquaintances, they all automatically offered the same postcard worthy, meaningless encouragement and reassurance. You’ll be fine. You can do it. I believe in you. This guy was surely going to do the same. 

Coming up. 

Any moment now. 

Wait for it…

“And why do you want to do it?” He asked a little too harshly, but I could still read the genuine curiosity and interest behind the question.

“Hm? Do what? Be an engineer?” 

“I assume since you are here, you are already qualified as an engineer.” He chuckled.

“Well, I am, but school is one thing, and out in the real world is another.” I cleared my throat. “I’ve always had an inquisitive mind and I’m a very analytical person. I’ve done good in school and I think that the next logical step is to go through an internship and learn the applications of what I’ve been taught for the last six years.” He snorted. 

I frowned. “What?” 

“Not the line you found in an interview prep book. Why do you want an internship?” 

“That’s really it.” I insisted, a bit weakly. “I want to sharpen my design and engineering abilities…” 

“Is it because you don’t know what else to do?” I ignore the slightly condescending tone that I detect in his voice.

“No.” I lie, only half.

“Because you didn’t get an industry position straight away, then?” 

“No… I didn’t even apply for any jobs.” I admitted, a little ashamed for the lack of trying.

“I see.” He moved, a large, blurry figure sidestepping me to finally pour something down the sink. I could smell the strong whiff of alcohol, whiskey maybe, mixed with the more subtle one of nice cologne and clean, male skin. An oddly nice combination. 

“I need more freedom than a job straight out of school can offer.” 

“You won’t have much freedom here by being an intern.” His voice was closer, like he hadn’t stepped back yet. 

“You’ll have to work your arse off and prove you deserve to pitch your ideas, and even if you get the chance someone else will take credit for them. Not to mention that you’d make better money in a nine to five job that actually allows you to entertain the concept of weekends and having a social life.” I furrowed my eyebrows. 

!Is this some sort of reverse psychology or are you genuinely trying to make me get up and run, never to look back? Is this because of the glue thing?”

“No, none of that.” I could hear his smile. “I’ll go ahead and trust that it was just a misstep.” 

“Out of a bundle of about ten…” I grumbled mostly to myself. 

“In a long line of missteps, clearly.” He sighed. “Here’s the thing: I have no idea if you’re good enough, but that’s not what you should be asking yourself. Automotive is a lot of money for very little bang. What matters is whether your reason to be an engineer in this domain is good enough. So, why do you want to be an intern at Vauxhall, Lily?” 

I thought about it, and thought, and then thought some more. Finally, I spoke carefully. 

“I have a goal. A specific engineering goal that I want to accomplish, to be available for everyone. And I don't care who takes credit for it, as long as it gets implemented.”

There. Done. This was the answer all along, I just didn’t know it. “Something I’m afraid no one else will even think about changing if I don’t.” 

“Your goal is to change something specific? An element of design or engineering for all cars?” I felt the air shift and realised that he was now leaning against the sink, very close to me. 

“Yes.” My mouth felt dry. “Something that’s important to me. And I don’t trust anyone else to do it. Because they haven’t so far. Because… Because something bad happened. Because I want to do my part so that it won’t happen again.” 

I came to the quick realisation that these were heavy thoughts to have in the presence of a complete stranger, in the darkness caused by my temporary blindness. So I pried my eyes open, but my vision was still blurry. The good thing was that the burning had subsided considerably, to the point of being almost gone. 

The man was looking at me. His tall figure was blurry around the edges, but he was still very there, waiting patiently for me to continue. 

“It’s important to me that I try at least. And I need this internship if I want a chance to try something so fundamental. A job out of school wouldn’t grant me access to something so deep.” I repeated. 

It was at that moment that I realised that I was 26 and alone in the world. I didn’t care for the weekends, or a decent salary, or even social life. All I really wanted was to go back in time. Deep down, I wanted to be less lonely. But since that was impossible, I’d settle for fixing what I could. 

The man nodded, I think, but said nothing as he straightened his back and took a few steps towards what I could only assume was the door, since everything grew silent after. I have to admit that he proved to be a good listener.

“Do you reckon this is a good enough reason to join the program?” I called after him, hating how eager for approval I sounded. It was possible that I found myself in the midst of some sort of existential crisis. 

Just when I thought he was gone and left me talking to the bidet, I heard his deep voice again. 

“I think it’s the best reason I’ve ever heard.” In my mind I imagined him smiling as he said that. Or something like it. “Good luck on your next round of interviews, Lily.” 

“Thanks.” I could hear him walking again, getting farther away from the bathroom. “Maybe I’ll see you around if I get a spot in the program.” I blurted out, blushing a little. 

“Maybe.” I heard him say, and a smile bloomed on my face, stretching the corners of my mouth from ear to ear.

With that, the man was gone, and stupid me never got to learn his name. But a few weeks and two more rounds of interviews later, when the Vauxhall head of HR called to let me know that they would like me on board of their team of interns, I accepted the position without thinking about it twice.