Mail Order Bride- Illinois

Chapter 8

Abby finished the dishes, and slipped into bed. She let the despair wash over her. There was no denying it now, it was her. The tears started flowing and they would not stop, she was simply unloveable. She had hoped and prayed that if she was kind enough, thoughtful enough that Jonathan would come to love her. She was such a fool, he would never love her just like Henry didn’t. The only thing Jonathan wanted from her was some one to cook, clean, and take care of his kids. He didn’t want some one to share his life with, he just wanted some one to give him sons to run the ranch. I guess she was successful in some ways, she thought. She looked down at her stomach, she hadn’t bled since before they were married. The babe should be here in the early spring, March probably.

She had no idea how to tell Jonathan, she didn’t want him to treat her differently when he found out. She remembered her sister saying that once he found out about she was carring he treated her like a princess. She didn’t want any fake affection from Jonathan. The good news is, she hadn’t started to show yet, so she could hold off for awhile. Abby heard the door close, she rolled over and tried to halt her tears. She felt the bed dip, Jonathan laid on his side away from her. Abby silently cried until she felt his breathing even out.

"Stop Abby, just stop!" she thought to herself. "Crying won't change anything.” Abby couldn't stop herself, she cried herself to sleep that night.

Jonathan watched his wife with worry in his eyes. He didn’t think it was possible, but she became even more quiet and remote than before. He listened to her cry herself to sleep every night, while he sat there thinking of something to do or say to comfort her. He listened until he’d hear a small hiccup, which usually meant she had fallen asleep. He then wrapped an arm over her, and cuddle her close. Jon hated that he couldn't comfort her, but no one comforted him; not since his mother was alive. He wasn’t using this as an excuse, Jonathan tried to talk to his wife. Every time Jon went to open his mouth the words seem to be lodged in his throat.

However, looking back when he was a child, his mother wasn't exactly a loving person either. Sure she soothed his fevers when he was sick, comforted him when he cried, but there wasn't much else. Jon had watched Abby with his two boys; giving them love and affection, and he realized that his mother didn't give him that. Abby would give his son a hug, and kiss every morning, and a kiss every night when she tucked them in. Jonathan couldn’t recall his mother tucking him into bed. Is that why he isn't able to connect with Abby? Hell he knew he didn't connect with Caroline, but she didn't want anything from him but his money. Abby wants his love, well she did, he doesn't know what she wants from him any longer. That thought caused his mood to sour quickly.

He pulled his black duster up against his neck to ward off the late October chill. He had only made love to her one time since he’d returned from the cattle drive. That was the worst night of his life, it was as if he was r****g her. She just laid there petrified, like she was a virgin, she kept trying to cover herself. She wouldn’t kiss him or even look at him. So eventually he stopped and went outside to cool himself off. He didn’t know how to make her happy, she was over the honeymoon stage as Buzz called it. But that didn’t seem to fit as they didn’t really have a honeymoon, they didn’t have a courting stage either.

He fingered the ring inside of his pocket, and thought of the ring he bought her so long ago. There was never a time to give it to her, Abby worked from sunrise to sunset. She needed a break, they rarely went to church, as the closest church was four hours away. However, Sunday morning while everyone was relaxing the day away she would pull out her bible for a short time and read it. When she was done she went right back to work. It was the only break he saw her take, and it wasn’t nearly long enough. After that she would work on her lesson plans for the boys, and would go to their room and sew. Jonathan asked her repeatedly to take a break, to relax. She said she was fine, and would go back to her task. That was true, what she did on Sunday was a break considering what she did during the week. Other than making breakfast lunch and dinner for them and the eight hired hands, she would spend her day on her hands and knees either cleaning the floors or doing laundry. He would be extremely worried about that, if he didn’t notice the fact that she was gaining weight. He was very happy for she seemed to have gained the weight back that she lost on the trail.

He was pleasantly suprised for her acceptance to go into town with him tomorrow. He figured she would be too busy to come and tell him to take the boys. When she saw his questioning look she told him she needed to pick up more material for Devlin as he was growing out of his clothes. Which also surprised him as she normally would have just given him a list of things she needed. The boys had begged him to go with them, but he made up a story about Buzz needing his help with something. He wanted to spend some time with her, alone and hopefully talk.

Saturday morning came and Jonathan was as excited as one of his boys headed to town. He was excited to take her into town and show her off. He had been wanting to make the excursion into town with her for a long time but it had never seemed right. The house had its share of hiccups, and he had wanted to get as much as possible built before winter settled in.

Abby and Jonathan bundled up and headed off to town after breakfast and saying goodbye to the boys, promising them candy upon their return. The first few miles were passed in an awkward silence.

“does the town have a dressmaker or is everything at the everything at the mercantile?” Abby asked suddenly.

“Well there is a dressmaker in town, but the mercantile has some premade clothes for children, and it is a lot cheaper.”

“I was also hoping to get a few things for the kids schooling, when do you think the town will get a school, I’m not the best teacher,” Jonathan looked at her in surprise.

“Now that is a lie, before you started Devlin didn’t know his alphabet, now albeit slowly he can read. You are an amazing teacher.” Abby shook her head,

“I can’t take credit for that, Devlin is just very smart.”

“No sweetheart, you are an amazing teacher.” Jonathan grabbed her hand, “As the school goes there has been talk of one for quite awhile, hopefully in a year or two the town will decide to build one.”

“That seems like a long time to wait.”

“Yeah well we can always hope for it to be sooner,” Jonathan looked at her and smiled. He was so happy to be talking to her again, it didn’t matter what it was about. “Oh about your question, yes you may get whatever you want when we head into town, we still have a credit from the honey delivery. As you are the reason for the credit you may get whatever your heart desires.”

“Oh good, I need some material for winter dresses.” Jonathan smiled again over the way she lit up over something as small as a new dress. That was one of the things he missed most about her these days. The fact that the smallest things could bring her joy and happiness, she was one of the few people he ever knew that appreciated the small things in life.