The Throwaway Year

Chapter 2: Rock Bottom

"I'm going to leave now. When I come back… if you could just not be here…"

She hurried out of the room and down the hall as the first sob forced its way from her mouth and the hot tears blurred her vision, dripping down her face and from her chin. She grabbed her purse and slipped on flip-flops and then she was hurrying out of the house and to her car. MyKell didn't have a car but… well, he had someone else and she probably had one. Yeah, chances are, she would have one.

What else would she have? Whether she was younger or prettier didn't matter. Because in his eyes she was better. He had most likely never seen a wiry sprig of hair growing from this new woman's chin. He probably only saw her when she had on a face full of make-up. She was probably one of those women that went to the salon on a regular basis and that got her nails done.

No, Hayden hadn't bothered with any of that. She had thought that Mykell appreciated the things that she had to offer in a relationship--the important things. She was a ride or die woman that lifted him up every single time that he was down. She treated him like a King even when he had nothing but the clothes on his back. And she provided for him even when doing so had taken a brunt on her own finances.

So while it was true that she hadn't taken care of herself, she thought that she offered something more solid than the fact that her breasts were now supported by her protruding belly. She didn't think that it mattered that she did her own hair instead of splurging on a bi-weekly hair salon appointment.

Yes, it was dry and fried but why would that be important if she showed him that the money she saved was spent on them?

But it was evident that it wasn't the way he saw things.

She'd been so stupid.

Hayden started her car and pulled out of her driveway without looking. Thank God she lived on a residential street that saw very little traffic, or she might have been hit. She gripped the steering wheel as the tears and sobs wracked her body. Her chest ached when she thought about the six years and how easily he'd been able to say that he'd found someone else. Even after all that she had done for him.

Knowing that it wasn't safe for her to continue driving, Hayden pulled into the nearest place where she could safely lose it. It was the parking lot of a Kroger's grocery store. After she was safely stopped, she stared at herself in the mirror, not recognizing the ugly woman that looked back at her. Hatred bubbled up inside of her, but it was all directed at herself.

She hated her too light skin with its freckles scattered across her nose. Red bone. High yella – but not pretty. She didn't have the long flowing hair or the limber body that most people associated with light skinned females. When she looked at herself she simply saw an out of shape woman with a Don King mess of hair covering her head. When she reached up to wipe her blotchy face of its tears and snot she smelled her unwashed body. She averted her eyes in disgust.

This is what he had seen every single day for the last six years. Of course he had found someone else. She couldn't even stand to look at herself so how could she blame him?

She hated what she was. She hated the way she looked. She hated that she had allowed herself to be used by some man long enough for him to get his s**t together and to find someone better. She hated her lack of drive and ambition that had prevented her from not to doing better for herself.

She hated herself.

Her tears began to dry. She was at a crossroads. Live with herself or not…that was the question.

An hour ago she was thinking about much of a loser he was. And if he hadn't just dumped her, they would be on their way to breakfast with her silently fuming that he wasn't going to pick up the check.

She realized then that her tears had very little to do with him. It was about allowing someone like him to use her and then leave her with that weak statement about things not being right for a while.

You're going to do better so that you will never have to see yourself this way again. You'll never let another man see you this vulnerable. Get yourself together, Hayden. If you don't like your weight then lose it! If you don't like your looks then take care of yourself! If you don't like your struggle than pay your bills. But more importantly Hayden, stop hating yourself, because if you can't love you then no one else will.

Hayden started her car and she drove to her best friend's house. This time she paid attention to the safety of the others on the rad with her.

If anyone would understand how she was feeling then it would be Dani. Dani was thick and shapely but she was gorgeous. However, she'd had terrible luck with men and had been cheated on countless times.

She was constantly telling Dani that she could do better than those thugs, that they were just using her. And never once had she ever considered that she was in the same predicament.

For all she knew, MyKell could have been with this other woman for years.

The tears returned. Funny, that her tears weren't because she thought she'd miss him, or that she even wanted him back. It just hurt. If only she could get rid of the pain. She didn't want to fall off a cliff, she just wanted there to be a way to get rid of the pain.

Unfortunately, she was too revolted by the way she looked and the way she smelled to allow anyone, including her best friend to see her. So Hayden just drove around for the next two hours, afraid to return home and to face MyKell.