Somebody to Die For

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Avery wasn’t a big fan of crowds, but after the lecture he just gave, he knew it was inevitable. Every time he presented it, trainees were quick to surround him afterward. They had questions. They wanted to hear more. Choosing the right cases was vital to the health and wellbeing and success rate of any ghostwalker. It was a popular lecture.

Avery loved presenting it.

The crowd dwindled as the session broke for lunch. The trainees had their first ghostwalk that afternoon. Avery well remembered his own first ghostwalk and how the thrill and worry coalesced into a hard ball in his stomach. Fortunately, he’d had Luke at his side.

“Mr. Wagner.”

Avery turned to find a tall, skinny, smiling man. He looked young, and his dark hair could use a cut, but his warm brown eyes were sparkling. Avery was hungry and a bit parched from all the talking. He wanted to get some food and relax and then find a quiet spot to work on his next lecture. But he shoved that aside and gave the straggler his attention.

“What can I do for you?” Avery raised an eyebrow.

“Jameson. Jameson Parker.”

“Hi, Jameson. You had a question?”

“Is it true you were bonded?”

“Excuse me?” Avery’s stomach dropped, and the earlier irritation turned to outright anger. The nerve. Avery bristled. Who did this guy think he was? Walking up to a virtual stranger and asking such an intensely personal question. The kid had gone through training, so he knew how sacred the bond was, and he still had the gall to ask Avery about it? Avery clenched his fist tightly around the strap of his bag.

Jameson’s mouth dropped open, and he held up his hands. “Crap. I’m sorry. That didn’t…I mean, I wasn’t trying…” He blew out a breath and then sucked in another. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant to say.”

“Obviously it was.” Avery’s cold tone had the desired effect. Jameson paled further and shook his head.

“I’m sorry. That was rude. It’s just that…the passion you had when you spoke about talking to your anchor, finding the right balance with them, to choose your cases successfully. If you’re bonded, does that change things? I just…I’m not saying any of this right.”

A small part of Avery felt for Jameson because clearly he had questions. But Avery’s brain was stuck on the audacity Jameson had shown by asking such a clearly personal question. It wasn’t anyone’s business, and Avery wasn’t going to talk about it.

It was just too painful.

“If you’ll excuse me.” Avery didn’t wait for an answer. He just grabbed his bag and turned to leave.

“Wait! Mr. Wagner, I apologize. My filter doesn’t always…filter, and I’m working on it. But that didn’t come out like I meant it. I certainly didn’t mean to offend you. It was an intensely personal question that I shouldn’t have asked.”

“You’re right. You shouldn’t have.”

Avery pushed passed him and swept out of the room. Once in the corridor, he walked quickly to the stairs and took them down two at a time. He shoved at the bar on the door to the sixth floor reception area exploded through, and leaned against it the moment it swung shut.

Dammit.

Taking a deep, cleansing breath, Avery tried to get hold of himself. In the back of his mind, he always knew his status as a formerly bonded ghostwalker would come out, if for no other reason than operatives loved to gossip. An overheard comment could set everyone talking.

But he wasn’t as prepared as he thought he was.

He’d made it clear to the directors he wouldn’t talk about his anchor bond. Any other topic was fine, but that was off the table. It was too intimate to share. Unless a pair formed that kind of bond and needed his help, he was there only as a ghostwalker, nothing more.

Avery opened his eyes and found the secretary furtively eyeing him. He tried to give Julie a smile, and the one he got in return was soft and warm.

“Do you need him?” she asked as she jerked her hand behind her toward the big wooden doors that led to Michael’s office.

“No. Thanks. I just needed a bit of a break.”

She nodded with her smile still in place. “If you want to hide in the conference room, I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.”

Avery shook his head and gathered his resolve. He was there as an instructor, and it was temporary. After the first two weeks, he could go home to his sanctuary. Regroup, remember, relax. It would be fine.

With a wave to Julie, Avery headed upstairs to the cafeteria. But halfway up the stairs, Michael caught up to him. Avery was sure Julie had alerted him to Avery’s distress. Neither man spoke, but Michael put a hand on Avery’s shoulder and squeezed. Avery had to suck in a breath to keep from breaking down.

Michael saw it. Of course he did. He was a Guardian, and Avery’s friend, so Avery expected it. He tried to resist when Michael pulled him into a hug, but that was futile, so Avery gave in and took the comfort.

“You okay?”

Avery nodded against Michael’s chest and then shoved until Michael let him go.

“Sometimes…” Avery blew out a breath. “Sometimes the reminder smacks me in the face. And sometimes people think they’re entitled to information they aren’t. I’m okay.”

“If you need me to talk to Renata about—”

Avery held up a hand. “You can’t protect me forever.”

Michael’s voice was all growl. “Yes. I can.”

Laughing, Avery patted Michael’s chest and took another step back. “This one is on me. Sort of. I just need to handle things better, is all.”

“You have been.”

Avery c****d his head to the side. Michael was right, but it was nice to have that reminder. He’d never get over Luke. He’d never stop loving Luke, but he no longer felt as though he were being stabbed in the chest every day. It still hurt, and there were times, like a few minutes ago, when the realization he no longer had his bonded and husband shredded his heart. But he was healing.

For just a second, it was hard to breathe. The thought of no longer hurting over Luke felt like a betrayal. He’d lost everything the day Luke died. He couldn’t just be better.

Michael wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, and the action startled Avery enough he sucked in a breath. The stars that had started to swim before his eyes disappeared. He mentally reminded himself breathing was necessary.

“I still love him,” Avery whispered, half to himself. That was important, that he remembered that.

“Of course you do.”

Avery shrugged off Michael’s hand and straightened to his full height. He squared his shoulders and looked up into Michael’s eyes.

“I’m good.”

Michael studied him for a moment longer, and Avery let him, knowing Michael was probably reading him. Avery had long ago given Michael permission to use his telepathy whenever he felt it necessary. He trusted Michael implicitly. And more than once in the past, Michael’s ability had worked to his favor and helped Avery through something he couldn’t even name.

After a moment Michael smiled. “I’m here if you need me.”

“I know.”

“Good. Remember that.”

“I will.”

Michael turned and started down the stairs. “Go eat.”

Avery flipped him off, even though Michael’s back was turned. Michael couldn’t stop taking care of him. That was nice, even if Avery would never say it out loud.

“I heard it anyway.”

Avery laughed and continued on his way to the cafeteria.

He made a point not to make eye contact with anyone and just headed straight for the line. After choosing a salad and sandwich, he looked over the desserts. He even went so far as to pick up a piece of plain cheesecake, consider it, and put it back. He didn’t need the calories, even though it looked delicious.

Avery found a secluded spot in the back corner where the noise wasn’t as loud. He sat with his back to the rest of the room so he could ignore everyone and hopefully, they would ignore him as well.

It wasn’t easy to shut his brain off. With Luke on his mind, suddenly all Avery could do was remember. Even though four years had passed, Avery could still practically feel the touch of Luke’s hand and hear his soft voice as he soothed Avery’s worries. They’d been a perfect match, almost right from the beginning. Avery smiled to himself, recalling how they’d bonded before they even realized what they were doing. It had been a magical time in their lives, and Avery didn’t regret it. He still wanted Luke with him, but he was infinitely glad he’d had ten years with his lover. Most people didn’t know that kind of love and connection in their lifetimes.

The thought struck him hard, and Avery pursed his lips as he contemplated it. Even six months earlier, he hadn’t been able to believe it. He told himself a million times he was lucky to love Luke, but this was the first time he completely believed it. He brought a hand to his chest, where he wore his wedding band on a chain around his neck. Taking it off his finger had been hard. He’d made sure Luke’s was on his finger when Luke was buried. It seemed wrong to remove his own when Luke’s would be worn for eternity. But a few months ago, he’d finally been ready.

He reminded himself living his life didn’t mean forgetting Luke. He would probably never love again—how could he when he’d known what the true thing felt like?—but that didn’t mean he had to be sad all the time.

Avery’s mental pep talk helped, and he let out a slow breath. He was okay. He could do it. With a sigh he picked up his fork.