The Knight; His secret author

Dead to her

5 years ago

*Knightley*

I am not cruel by nature, yet I find myself with no choice but to be.

As I stare at the entrance to the church, I think that with enough time, I might have found another way out of this diabolical situation in which I find myself. But time is not on my side.

In only a few minutes, I am supposed to exchange vows and take a mate.

But she deserves better than what I can now offer. And she most certainly doesn’t deserve the heartbreak I am going to inflict upon her. But, again, I have been given no choice.

I can't ask her to give up legitimacy and respectability. Not when she has already lived twenty-two years without either. I can't ask her to sacrifice everything she desires and deserves, everything I can no longer give her.

I have always surmised that with enough coins in my coffers, I would obtain complete freedom from my father’s influence, yet the vile creature all of Blackrock City knows to have sired me is more odious than I have ever given him credit for being. Over the years, I have made excuses for him. It couldn't have been easy to lose his firstborn son. But now I understand the man possesses a depth of brutality that is unconscionable. One I possess no weapons to conquer. I am a solitary figure standing on a battlefield, caught in a war I was too distracted to comprehend was coming.

A war that would take an innocent if I stood my ground, would take an innocent if I retreated. I have been commanded to choose which to leave on the field bloodied.

An impossible choice.

Yet, I made the decision at once, demanded the Alpha go straight to hell as I had an appointment to keep. In an almost blind rage, I made my way to my car. But as the engine hummed, remorse, regret, and guilt settled over me. By the time I arrived at my destination, I knew I had to reverse my stance in order to live with myself. I also knew if I didn’t, any happiness that greeted me in the years ahead would be tainted and lacking in true joy. How could I subject my mate to a lifetime with someone suffering through a penitence?

I have to set Althea free without telling her precisely the reason for it. Holding my tongue is the only way to protect her. The Alpha made that clear enough. I know no words to utter that would ease the devastation I am about to inflict upon her.

Although perhaps I have misjudged her feelings. Dear Goddess, but I hope I have. That she wants me only for the position I would grant her within pack Society. Still, she will be hurt, angry, and mortified. I can’t lessen the blow but can ensure I take the brunt of it.

After taking a deep breath, I march up the steps, push open the door, and enter the vestibule.

“You’re late,” King says in a harsh whisper that still manages to echo somewhat through the antechamber.

I turn to find my best mates standing there, brows furrowed.

“What kept you?” King asks.

“I’m not going to marry her.”

King, usually so in control of his emotions, gapes. “Little late for that. The church is packed to the rafters.”

Of course it was. Everyone had arrived early enough to get a good seat. It isn’t every day a future Alpha marries a she-wolf born on the wrong side of the blanket. I wonder if they’ve come hoping to behold a debacle in the same manner that people gather around to watch someone walking across a tightrope, not really to be amazed by the skill but anticipating watching the blighter fall. I despise the thought that they are here in hopes of seeing her fail.

And I am on the verge of giving them precisely what they’ve come to witness.

“Why the change of heart?” Joker asks.

My heart hasn’t changed, even as I can presently feel it growing cold and brittle. What of her heart? Will it shatter into a thousand shards? Who will piece it back together? Surely, someday someone will. And that man will be the luckiest on earth, and I already despise him with every ounce of my being, even as I am grateful the man will have the power to bring her joy. “I came to the conclusion we wouldn’t suit, at least not for the long term.”

“Yet you are dressed in your wedding finery, as though you intended to carry through on the matter.” Damn Joker for noticing. “Hence, the decision had to have been made on the way here.”

True enough, but I keep silent, my jaw aching from the clenching of it necessary to hold back the truth.

“You’re not prone to cowardice, but could you be experiencing simply a sane man’s hesitancy at losing his freedom? A hesitancy that will pass when you catch sight of the she-wolf walking up the aisle?”

“My mind is set. If you will excuse me, I need to have a word with her.”

I head down the vestibule, round a corner into a hallway, and slam to a complete stop at the sight of her standing outside of a door, talking in a low voice with her father. I don’t know where her maids of honor are. They are apparently she-wolves with whom she had gone to school. She isn’t close to any of them. Perhaps they are off somewhere tittering about their chances of landing an Alpha. Not that I care; the fewer witnesses the better.

She must have sensed my presence because she turns her head and delivers a brilliant smile capable of possibly melting my father’s rock-hard heart. Her eyes are filled with warmth and mirth. “It’s bad luck to see me before I enter the sanctuary.”

I am going to lay at her feet the worst, rottenest luck of all.

“What the devil are you doing, Knightley?” her father asks. “You should be at the altar. It’s time we got on with this matter.”

Everything within me screams to spin about on my heel, grab my friends, and get to the altar. “Can you give me a moment alone with Althea?”

Of course she agrees. She is expecting a final declaration of love, a private vow, maybe even a gift to show how deep my feelings for her go. Instead, I'm about to destroy her. How the hell am I going to live with that?

"Make it quick," her father says before he strides off, disappearing around the blasted corner that seems to mark the before and after of my life. The before-I-destroy-her and the after. I doubt I will ever set foot in this church again, or any church for that matter.

Her lips quirk. "Couldn't stand to go so long without seeing me? It's been only a few hours."

Since I slipped from her bedchamber after making love to her in sin, thinking it would be the last time. When next we came together, it was supposed to be as mates sanctioned by the Goddess.

I take several steps until I'm close enough to pull her into my arms, inhale her scent, and just hold her, this she-wolf so incredibly precious to me. And because of those feelings, I have to tear us apart.

"Knightley?" Her voice is laced with worry. "What is it? What's wrong?"

I slip a finger under her chin, tilt up her face, and press a kiss to her forehead. Then I step back. "I can't marry you."

A tiny pleat forms between her brows. She blinks. "Pardon?"

Pushing the words out once was hard enough, but to do it again...

Dear Goddess, I wish I had time to plan an elegant exit from this mess. I'm a planner, never acting in haste. But I'm too numb from what I have learned and the pain I'm causing her to think at all. "I can't marry..."

Not just you, but anyone. But I can't tell her that. She would want to know everything, and everything has to go to the grave with me. I don't want to burden her with my struggles.

"I don't understand. Whyever not?" She says.

Tell her the truth. But the shock of it is still tearing through me, like an earthquake destroying everything, leaving gaping holes where souls fall, never to be seen again. I'm not who I thought I was. The revelations have left me floundering, tossed in a tempest at sea with no hope of reaching safety.

The one solid thing in my life... I have to push away, because if I grab onto her, she will drown too. The marriage she dreams of can't happen. Not with happiness and joy. I can already feel bitterness taking over my soul. And the children she wants can never be. Not with me.

I want to be gentle. I want to be kind. But I need to destroy all hope. I need her to hate me more than she mourns me, so the fire of her anger burns any sorrow to cinders. I need her to be angry if I'm going to leave her with any part of her heart to give to someone else someday.

I let out a low, dark scoff, nearly choking on the effort. "I woke up this morning and wondered what the bloody hell I was doing, to shackle myself to one she-wolf for the rest of my life when there are so many to be had."

The pleat between her brows deepens into a furrow. Another blink. "I don't understand what you're saying. You love me. I love you. Why would either of us ever want to be with another?"

Then I know what I have to say, the words that will tear her from me forever. "I don't love you. I merely got caught up in the fantasy. You're so beautiful. Certainly deserving of the words. And I liked the way you looked at me after I uttered them. And the things we would do after I said them."

In her expressive eyes, the devastating hurt and anger burns into an explosive fury. "You couldn't have decided this yesterday? Or last week? Or before you even asked for my hand?"

No tears are welling in her eyes, and I might have taken comfort in that if it weren't for the fact I hear them in her voice. But the answer to her question is a resounding no because the Alpha I have spent my early years striving to please waited until he knew he would inflict the most damage to my reputation with no care at all for the agony and humiliation he would cause this lovely she-wolf who is deserving of none of this to reveal the truth of the matter and offer his damnable bargain.

A bargain I originally tossed in his face and now will have to humble myself to accept. But what choice do I have really?

"You can't be surprised. You once claimed to know my reputation for loving and leaving."

The sting of my cheek as her palm meets it shouldn't have taken me by surprise, and yet it does. But more, the blow has been effectively delivered to my heart as well. I wish she'd smack me again, wouldn't stand there so stoic and proud and determined not to let me see the agony, but it's there, mirrored in the brown depths of her eyes. The disbelief, the fury, and yes, even the hatred. I have never felt more despicable or disgusted with myself.

No doubt another reason the Alpha waited until the last minute to pay his heir a visit to give him reason to loathe himself as the Alpha loathes him.

Tears are suddenly pooling in her eyes, and while I had hoped to be spared the sight of them, I know I deserve to see them, to have them haunting me for the remainder of my days.

"I hate you," she rasps as she turns away from me. "I never want to set eyes on your face again."

Of course, she isn't going to beg me to marry her. It isn't her way. She is a proud she-wolf.

"I'll give your father time to escort you away from here. Then I'll go in and announce to those who have gathered in the church that you changed your mind," I say.

"So they will despise me for turning away one of their own?" She is studying her fingers, knotted together, and I suspect she's intertwined them to stop from striking me again.

"I will make it clear the fault rests with me. That you came to the conclusion, rightly so, I would not make a good mate."

She glances over her shoulder. "How could I have judged you so erroneously? The man standing before me now is not the same one who was in my bedchamber only a few hours ago. Was it a performance from the beginning? For what purpose? To humiliate me... and my father?"

"No... I... you wouldn't be happy with me, Allie, not in the long run. Believe it or not, someday you'll look back on this moment and be grateful you didn't take that walk up the aisle with me."

"I shall never look back upon this day... or think of you. You are dead to me."