Who Knows I’ll Be Keeping You

Chapter 1: Familiar

"You're not shouting at me right?" I asked her directly even though she’s looking at me with her her raging eyes.

"I am!" Matuwid ang pagkakatayo niya at taas-noo niya akong hinarap.

Natahimik kaming dalawa at nakatitig lamang sa isa’t-isa. Wala ni isa sa amin ang may planong magsalita at tinitigan lang namin ang bawat isa na parang sinusuri namin ang aming pagkatao.

"Tell me that you are not shouting at me." I said trying to make an ice breaker between the two of us.

"I am shouting at you." she directly said.

"Just f*cking tell me that you are not shouting at me!" hindi ko na mapigilan at napasigaw na talaga ako.

Lumapit siya sa akin at sinampal ako. Napaurong ang labi ko at hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin. Nakatayo lamang ako at nakatitig sa kanya. Did she just... slap me?

"Natauhan ka na ba?" Pagbasag niya sa katahimikan na namayani sa aming dalawa.

"You are going out of your line Elizabeth." sabi ni Dad na nasa likod lamang namin at walang magawa kundi tingnan kaming mag-ina.

"I am not, Giovanni. I know my limits. I think I should treat my daughter the same treatment that she is giving me right now. Kailan pa natutong sumagot-sagot ang anak natin Giovanni? We never taught her how to talk back to us. We taught her how to obey and follow us as her parents. Ang kapal ng mukha ng babaeng ito na sagutin ako gayung ako ang nagpapakain sa kanya." sagot ni mom habang nakatingin pa rin sa akin.

Tumulo ang luha sa aking mata pero agad ko itong pinunasan. Hindi ako pwedeng umiyak. Not in front of my mom.

"Get your sh*t out of here and go back to your room. Clean up the mess that you've made but don't ask for anyone's help. You should know how to stand up on your own." may diin niyang sabi sa akin at naunang umakyat sa taas para siguro tapusin ang trabahong naudlot ko dahil sa isang masamang balita na sa tingin ko naman ay hindi masama.

Nang umalis na si mom, lumapit si dad sa akin at niyakap ako. Niyakap ko lang siya pabalik at ngumiti. I know he's trying his best to understand mom and me. He doesn't want to take sides at ayaw na ayaw niya ang pumili between me and my mom. Mahal niya kaming dalawa kaya ang tanging ginagawa niya after ng pag-aaway naming dalawa ay eco-confront ako bago niya susundan di mommy para kausapin.

That has been a cycle for the three of us.

I just wished na hindi sila ganito ni Blake kapag lumaki na ito. I love my brother so much and I don't want him to experience the same situations that I have right now. It's unbearable.

"Did you take your medicines already?" tanong ni dad sa akin.

"Yes dad." sagot ko sa kanya na may ngiti sa mga labi.

Ayokong isipin niya na pati siya ay kinamumuhian ko dahil sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon. I don't want him to feel bad about herself. He's the best dad and I also want the very best for him.

Blake, ang nakababata kong kapatid ay walong taong gulang pa lamang and he's always seeing things that may look negative and unpleasant to his eyes.

Araw-araw nalang kaming nag-aaway ni mom at kung may mga panahon man na mabait siya sa akin, yun ay kung nagagawa ko ang mga gusto niya at nasusunod ko ang mga utos niya.

Yes, it really feels like she's controlling me. It totally feels like she's controlling my life. All the things that I do, the dresses that I need to wear, my hairstyle and even the choice of words? She taught me all of that.

They say teaching will make someone learn things that was supposed to be done or to make your own decisions inline with the lessons that was being taught. But for my mom, it doesn't work like that.

For her, teaching me was like commanding me and demanding something from me. She wants me to be like this, to do that, to have these and everything.

Everything made me insane.

I was sick of it that's why I tested her patience for me and decided to lower my grade for the prelims and I succeeded!

I pissed her off and now she's very mad at me.

Isang punto lang naman ang binaba ko sa grade ko, what's wrong with that? Would grades define my capability and capacity as a person? Would that make me rich in the future? Would that help me in search for my own food, shelter and all? I don't think so.

"You go upstairs. I'll just talk with your mom and I will come back to you okay?" sabi ni dad sa akin ng may ngiti pa rin sa kanyang mga labi.

I didn't know but something's off with my parents lately but I don't exactly know what it is.

"Yeah, sure. But dad, don't argue with mom, you already knew that she doesn't want to be beaten up especially by you."

"I know. Perks of being a lawyer."

Nagtawanan na lamang kaming dalawa sa sinabi niya.

And yes, my mom is a lawyer. A wise and a brilliant lawyer. And guess what course I am taking up right now? I bet you already know.

Law

I'm a first year college studying at St. Preston's University. That's a huge school and a very strict one. It's a school made for the future leaders of the world such as politicians and lawyers like me.

I didn't really want to be a lawyer and what comes into my mind when I hear the word dream is painting, music and dancing.

I wanted to be an artist.

I want to paint my dreams on my own but unfortunately, someone is holding my brush. Someone is trying to paint on my own canvas, on my own life. And what hurts me the most is that I have never prepared anything for this. I just woke up one morning receiving a news that I was enrolled at St. Preston's University.

Matapos kong marinig ang pangalan ng eskwelahan na papasukan ko, agad akong nadismya. Hindi ko akalain na pati pagtungtong ko sa college ay si mommy pa rin ang magde-desisyon sa buhay ko. Na siya pa rin ang magmamaneho sa sarili kong sasakyan at siya ang maghahanap ng daan para sa akin.

I just couldn't believe everything.

For years, ever since I was born, I became a slave and a loyal follower to my mom but I didn't know and I wasn't informed that I will stay just like this until I die. Ganito na lang ba ako palagi? Pinanganak ba ako ng magulang ko para may mautusan sila? Para maging puppet nila? And para magawa nito ang mga bagay na hindi nila nagawa noon?

I am not a slave. I am their daughter. I am her daughter but why did I feel like I am born to be someone I didn't want?

"Aakyat na ako sa taas. Do you want something to eat anak? I can call manang for you first before I go to your mom." Sabi ni dad sa akin.

"No dad. I'm good. Para namang hindi ko ito bahay kung umasta kayo. Nag-away lang kami ni mom, the usual at hindi ako bagong dating galing sa ibang bansa kaya don't need for too much care okay?" matapos kong sabihin iyon ay tumalikod na ako kay dad upang pumunta sa kwarto ko.

My room is located at the first floor of the house. Kina mama at papa pati na rin kay Blake ang dalawang kwarto sa itaas. Due to my condition right now, they thought of an idea that it is much better for me to be at the ground floor dahil delikado para sa akin ang hagdan.

Hindi na ako nakipag-away pa sa kanila dahil almost or maybe more than 9 years na din naman ako dito sa baba at wala naman iyong problema sa akin. Besides, malaki ang kwarto dito dahil masters bedroom namin ito noon. Since, wala naman kaming bisita na ine-expect palagi, might as well use the guest room sa taas at ilipat ako dito sa baba. I think this is the only idea from my mom that I love.

Humiga muna ako at tinutok ang aking paningin sa mga imahe na nasa kisame. Those images are my paintings and all of them are me. The me that I wanted to be. Not the me that others want, not the me that my mom wants.

Bigla na lamang tumulo ang luha sa aking mga mata at nagtuloy-tuloy na nga ito. Hinayaan ko na lamang ito sa pagbuhos at pumikit.

I still remember those days when my mom used to tell me what to do and me, as her loyal follower will do exactly her commands not knowing that this will affect me in my own future.

I just thought that maybe because I was a child then my mom is responsible for teaching me lessons about life, little did I know na those lessons in life means controlling over everything.

To be an artist is my dream and what I really want.

I want to conquer the world and conquer the hearts of the people through my painting. For me, it's the only satisfaction that I want.

Napahinto ako sa pag-iisip ng may kumatok sa pintuan ng kwarto ko.

"Who's that?" sigaw ko sapat para marinig ng nasa labas.

"Ate.." agad akong napatayo ng marinig ang boses ni Blake.

He seems so down right now and it feels like something is bothering him based on his voice.

I opened the door and he directly hugged me.

"I know this isn't cool but I just need someone right now." he said.

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. He's indeed a grown up man now. Kahit na walong taong gulang pa lang siya, he thinks wisely and he acts so mature.

After he gave me the hug, tumalikod na lang siya bigla at nagsimulang maglakad.

"Hey bro." tawag ko sa kanya.

"Don't make fun of me sis." matigas niyang sabi habang nakatalikod pa rin sa akin ngunit napahinto na sa paglalakad.

"Are you okay?"

"I am obviously not okay. Mom and dad are fighting upstairs. Rinig na rinig ko ang pangalan mo but I am not blaming you sis. You know how much I love you and I adore your bravery. You'll win my heart over mom." yun lang ang huling sinabi niya bago tuluyan na talagang bumalik sa taas leaving me stunned and overwhelmed at the same time.

Hindi ko alam kung pupuntahan ko ba sina mom at dad sa taas or mananatili lang ako dito sa baba.

In the end, wala rin akong nagawa kundi ang pumasok nalang pabalik sa kwarto ko at hintayin na lamang na bumalik si dad. In that way, hindi lalaki ang gulo. Kung tatahimik lang ako dito, hindi iinit ang ulo ni mom.

Kinuha ko ang gitara at nag-strum na lamang ng iba't-ibang chords. I sang a few lines from one of my songs pero napahinto rin ako agad ng wala nang lumalabas sa bibig ko.

Hindi ko pa pala tapos yung sinusulat kong kanta, silly me.

Pumunta na lamang ako sa study table at binuklat ang libro for case studies. Hindi pa naman ako inaantok kaya para ma freshen up yung utak ko para bukas, babasahin ko na lang ulit itong mga cases.

I'm trying to love my course. I'm starting to embrace the course that my mom decided for me.

My dad is an engineer, a good and a famous one pero hindi niya pine-pressure si Blake to be an engineer kahit na noon pa lamang ay bukambibig na niyo ang kagustuhan na maging Engineer.

Ang sabi ni dad ay bata pa si Blake kaya maaaring magbago pa ang nasa isip nito. Lucky him. Bakit hindi iyon nakikita ni mom sa akin? She pressure me always and she wanted me to be on top always. Hindi ko pa nga na e-experience ang maging pangalawa sa klase. Ewan ko nalang ngayon na bumaba ang grade ko ng isang puntos.

Iyon ang rason kung bakit kami nag-away ni mom kanina at kung bakit sila nag-aaway ngayon ni dad. I know that it's a big slap for someone like my mom kung hindi ako magaling sa klase. She's very famous at marami ang mga kumukuha sa kanya upang maging kliyente niya.

Nakarinig na naman ako ng katok mula sa labas kaya agad napadako ang tingon ko doon ng bumakas ito.

I was expecting Blake to show up but unfortunately, si mom ang nagpakita sa akin.

Umayos ako ng upo at hinarap siya ng maayos. Sinara ko ang libro sa mesa at binalik sa shelf na pinaglalagyan nito.

"Mom, I am sorry for making you upset and dismayed. I promise I will lift my grades up the next time." I explained.

I don't want to make things messier para hindi na rin masali at maipit sa gitna sina dad at Blake dito.

"Do you know what a ripple effect means Keren?"

That was unexpected.

"Human behaviors are tied altogether and they are interconnected. Once you have done something that hasn't been done by you before, the outcome would definitely change unlike the usual." pagpapatuloy niya.

Kinakabahan ako sa tension na namumuo sa aming dalawa.

I don't like what she just said pero I can't voice it out because she's my mom after all and she's the one who gave birth to me.

"How would that solve everything mom?" lakas-loob kong tanong sa kanya.

"Oh dear, I hate dominoes. I hate the domino effect and I hate it if you're not like your usual self. I thought you eve-"

"Everything and I should use all of the lessons that you gave me. That’s what you want to say right? Yes mom. I've heard that one a million times. Hindi mo na kailangan pang ulit-ulitin dahil alam ko at ramdam ko mom."

"Good that you know. I want you to ask for your teacher about that grade and what can you do about it. I am not satisfied and I am really disappointed Keren. Fixed all of these."

Napabuntong-hininga ako at tumango na lamang sa kanya.

"Good, now got to bed. You have a class tomorrow."

"Yes mom. Good night."

At lumabas na siya ng silid ko. Just like that, we're back to square one again.

Kinabukasan, nagising ako dahil sa ingay sa labas. I can't say na nag-aaway na naman sina mom at dad dahil sa mga oras na ito, wala na silang dalawa sa bahay.

Nagbihis nalang ako at naghanda para sa klase bago lumabas.

Nadatnan ko si Blake na may kinakausap. I tried to guess who is it but to no avail, wala akong makita na kaharap niya. Nasa sala siya at nakatalikod siya sa akin kaya hindi ko makita.

"Blake?"

"Oh goodness gracious heavens sis! Are you trying to scare me because I definitely got scared because of you?!" sigaw niya sa akin at hinarap ako.

"You're talking to someone?"

"Yes. I am talking to this furry little beast." at ipinakita niya sa akin ang kanina pa niyang hawak-hawak na pusa.

Oh.

My heart melted upon seeing the eyes of the kitten. Wait, where did he get this?

"Where did you got this cute little sweetie?" I asked him.

"First of all, she's not a sweetie okay because she always bites my hand. Kanina pa itong umaga."

"Umaga pa ngayon Blake, huwag kang maarte. It's still 7:06 AM kaya huwag kang umarte diyan na parang gabi na."

"Yeah whatever." sabi niya sabay tayo at humarap sa akin.

He handed me the kitten and told me na sa akin nalang daw.

"Someone gave that to me pero ayoko sa pusa. Since you love that cat and it seems like he loves you too, then you should take care of him. Is that okay with you? I don't take no as an answer."

"I love to! Thank you Blake!" I exclaimed.

Yayakapin ko na sana siya pero nagsimula na siyang maglakad palabas ng bahay.

I think pupunta na siya sa school niya. Hindi naman kami mababahala kasi may driver naman siya at may nanny din siyang kasama kahit na ayaw niya.

Tinawag ko si manang at sinabihan na pakainin muna si Zeus ng ulam na nasa ref. Anything basta healthy. I want him to stay healthy when he's with me.

Binilin ko rin si Zeus sa kanya since mamaya pa ako makakabili ng mga gamit niya. I named him Zeus since ang gold ng color niya na para yung god talaga.

Matapos kong kumain ay dumeretso na ako sa garahe upang kunin ang aking motor na gagamitin ko papunta sa skwelahan.

Yes, I am driving my own motorcycle.

Dad gave this one to me on my 18th birthday at hindi ko talaga malilimutan ang araw na iyon. Hindi nagpakita si mom sa araw na iyon dahil may importanteng meeting siyang pinuntahan and that's okay with me since sanay na naman ako.

St. Preston's Academy

Iyan agad ang bumungad sa akin pagkapasok ko pa lang sa school. Kahit sa likod man ako dumaan para ilagay sa gareha ang motorsiklo ko, may pangalan pa rin ng skwelahan na nakalagay sa taas.

Habang naglalakad ako papunta sa law building, marami ang bumabati sa akin.

"Good morning Ash."

"Good morning Asher."

"Hi Ash."

"Hi. Good morning Ash."

Ilan lamang yan sa mga bati nila sa akin.

Sikat ako, oo pero hindi ako masaya sa kasikatan na meron ako. Kilala nila ako dahil "beauty and brains" daw ako sa paaralan na ito na kahit hindi law related na subject ay alam ko.

Hindi ko naman pwedeng hindi sila pansinin kaya bumati na lang rin ako sa kanila.

Pagdating ko sa classroom, ganun pa rin ang nangyari. Umupo ako sa harapan at nilabas agad yung libro ko. I know any minute from now ay dadating na ang teacher namin.

Ten minutes of waiting pero wala pa rin ang guro namin. Where is she? May emergency ba? Unlike other students, I prefer to have classes para patayin ang oras ko sa isang araw kesa sa magmukmok sa bahay mag-isa. Tatayo na sana ako para lumabas pero biglang pumasok ang guro namin na parang nagmamadali.

Binati namin siya at agad naman niya kaming pinaupo.

"I'm sorry for the delay class. Pinatawag kasi ako ng dean for an important matter. Anyways, good morning everyone."

Binati naman namin siya ulit at inihanda ko na uli ang libro ko.

"Before anything else class, I would like to announce something."

May unannounced quiz ba kami?

"You have your new classmate and I hope you will treat him fairly. You may now come in Mr." tawag ni Ms. sa taong nasa labas.

Pumasok ito at kalmadong humarap sa aming lahat.

He's somehow familiar to me.