Lost in You (#Book 2)

Chapter 2

I wake up, drenched in my bed. Alone! It takes me a few seconds to understand what just happened. When you go from living a dream to a nightmare, walking up is a relief. I get up to fetch a glass of water and recover from all these emotions. I stumble a little, not very stable on my feet.

Never has a night seemed this long to me. After my strange dream, I want to go back to sleep. A million thoughts rush through my brain. Questions, doubts, fears… 

I tried counting sheep, singing the alphabet backward but nothing worked. Why was Jake kneeling before me? Is my subconscious trying to get a message across? And what if it's a premonitory dream?

I blush at the thought of these emotions I didn't control. People say that our dreams tell a lot about us and I have the feeling that mine is telling me that I'm lost and troubled. I can't even swallow my breakfast this morning.

But I can't get my don'ts about my relationship with Austin out of my head. I knew that with a man like him, I wasn't getting into something easy. Well, I have a lot on my plate! With everything that happened: believing I was pregnant, seeing Austin's reaction when he thought he was going to be a father, our aborted engagement and my relationship with his sister…

I have a hard time breathing and I feel something heavy in my chest. Sad thoughts blue through my mind, like leaves in the wind. I open the window and fill my lungs with fresh air. Immediately, I look up at the gloomy grey sky. This weather is in harmony with my mood. It ices my cheek and my heart.

I hide my mouth in my sweater collar and sigh heavily. Rach, you can't give up! Indeed, I'm lucky enough to be surrounded. My friends have tried to help get my mind off things. Greta even convinced me to take martial arts classes with her!

Okay, it was terrible… I almost blinded her about a dozen times with my big toe! But it's comforting to know that she'll always be there for me. Matt, on the other hand, made me punch his punching bag to get everything off my chest.

As I was hitting it, I thought of the people whom I was angry at. Andrea, Tanya and a little at Austin too. It felt good. I ended up completely exhausted, collapsing in my good friend's arms.

Even though these guys are here and unbelievably kind, I keep looking back at the past with the same concern. There's nothing to do about it. My thoughts are haunted, night and day, by the same man.

Intense eyes, magnetic presence, incredibly smart, the looks of a Greek god, an extraordinary man! The kind you only met once in your lifetime… if you're lucky!

The flip side is that exceptional men are not easy to follow, and for the moment I'm quite lost. Austin and I are supposed to meet today to, as he puts it: 'be clear of where we stand.'

Even though I agreed to move to New York with him, it does not mean that I'm a pushover and he can leave me whenever he wants. I would need some sort of security afterall. I don't like to have this ugly impression of being just another file on his desk. But what does 'be clear of where we stand' mean?

It's he going to give me his feedback on where our relationship stands, and give annual objectives. Calm down Rachel! Austin has made it very clear that you meant a lot to him.

I'm stressed out because I know… he wants to have a proper chat with me. We are no longer engaged since that night where I have given his ring back, and his sister tried to destroy everything we had built. Since then things haven't been easy. The love is still there, as is the desire, but the situation is complicated.

Our story is in a deadlock somewhere in between “we should break up, there are too many obstacles in our way” and “living without you is impossible.” In the end my love life is like a love song that you listen to after your breakup. Wonderful! I am completely lost. My heart still bleed for him, and here I am waiting for him to show up, hoping… that everything we’ve been through turn out to be just a nightmare and that we start facing things, together.

I close the window and go look myself in the mirror. It takes an eternity for me to choose an outfit as I took out a white blouse and black jeans. Hmm… very professional! I’m still disturbed by my weird dream and by the fear of losing Austin. I haven’t found a way to make the lump in the bottom of my stomach disappears. And to think that a few weeks ago I thought I was pregnant…

My phone vibrates… Oh my god! My heart beats faster. It’s probably Austin! I wish he would come to my house and surprise me. And that he would hug me tightly in his arms without saying a word. Hang in there!

Nope, it’s a text from Greta! I should have known that when the big Austin William gives you an appointment, he doesn’t miss it.

I’m thinking of you. Try to stay cool. XoXo

She’s so sweet! She probably knows that I’m having a hard time staying in one place. My stomach is in knot, and my lungs are tight. Another text. It’s Austin! I’m afraid to open it. I’m in no mood to hear some bad news or receive a disappointing message.

I’ll be at your place in about five minutes. Be on time.

Oh s**t, that sounds bad! He used his professional tone, the tone of a man who runs an empire and has no time to waste. I don’t like it when he’s cold like this, especially when I know he can be so warm and charming. It’s almost time to go down and meet him. I don’t want to be late and make things worse.

I try not to think anymore. I breathe deeply. Some things you can’t escape… the distance between the door and the outside ground feel like a huge burden. When I reached outside, some unusual noises make me look up from the ground. I freeze for a second. I can’t believe my eyes! There are dozens of paparazzi, reporters in front of me. It’s both fascinating... and terrifying! I feel like the main character of some soap opera or sitcom!

I’m so shy that I don’t know where to put myself. And I don’t want them to know where my relationship with Austin stands. I don’t even know myself, in fact. I’m guessing that even celebrities aren’t used to seeing so many people when they hop out of bed. So for someone like me, who has no intention in becoming one, it’s a little brutal.

I only want one thing that is to head back inside and hide. But Austin is going to show up and I can’t stand him up. Especially when our relationship is running on such thin ice. Very fragile. I haven’t stepped foot on the sidewalk that a hoard of journalists head towards me. I’m so impressed that it takes my breath away.