MEN OF OLYMPUS: APOLLO

THE SUN RUNNING AWAY FROM HIS LIGHT

“Son we have to go” I hear a female voice, at first, I don’t know who she is calling but eventually I come to see who she is talking to. And worst the child that she called it looked like me. I drop my favorite toy on the ground and run and I follow the voice that calling her son.

When I get to see someone, who is standing holding a small bag, that I rapidly recognized. “That is my bag. Why that woman has also my bag!” I uttered to myself.

I try to keep moving to ask for the lady that she is holding is mine. And the kid that totally looks like me, I don’t know who he is, but he stretches his arms to reach the hands of the lady that his mom. But I’m stuck is like my feet were made of rock and I can’t move it. I try to shout and call the lady her attention but there is no word come out of my mouth. It looks like I’m gasping to nothing.

And suddenly someone came in, and to my shock, I got an inner knowing that the one who just went to that lady is myself. My head is full of questions right now, I don’t what I’m doing, why I’ am in there when I ‘am here? Looking all this madness unfold in my very own eyes. And why I come along with that woman?

Wala akong nagawa kundi tignan na lang mga sumunod na pangyayari. Is it also a question of why I’m seeing all of this? Pagkatapos sumama ng sarili ko dun sa babae ay sumakay na sila sa kotse at mabilis ito kumaripas ng takbo. Minute’s pass and it feels like an eternity, the car that where they are just stopped on the front of a house. I don’t whose house is this, I have never seen it in my entire life.

Nakita kong bumaba ang sarili ko kasama ng babae sa sasakyan and is like all the scene is in past forward the lady that now holding my hand is talking to another lady. And a couple of moments past the lady give my bag to the other lady that she had talking to and then she gets down to her knees and hug me. I don’t why it makes me cry.

Afterward, the lady let go of me, I saw myself, my face is full of questions. The lady stands up and later she just turns and walks out of the building and mabilis na sumakay sa sasakyan. Like with that my I felt something died inside of me.

I feel so devastated, I saw myself running and try to chase the car until I drop to my knees. My eyes are flooded by tears, I find it hard to breathe because of these emotions that I’m feeling. And gasping for air to flow in my lungs. I feel lost, depressed, and afraid and I don’t why I am feeling that. I just watch myself right there on his knees crying and crying calling a name that I don’t know. Wailing on something that I can’t understand. While I’m still gasping some air because of these overflowing emotions.

My eyes just open and I felt like I’m choking some air. My forehead and my neck are full of sweat as well as my body is drenched with it. After I level my breathing, with a three-deep breath. I seat up on my bed and look at the clock is almost five in the morning.

At nang tumingin ako sa kwarto ay nakahiga na ako sa sarili ko kama. At kahit na kumikirot sa sakit ang aking ulo dahil sa pag-inom nang alak, ang huli kong  natatandaan ay di ko ako nakatulog sa sarili kong kwarto at nakabulagta lang sa may sala. Or just I thought alcohol can make you think you do something when it’s not.

Wala akong nagawa kundi bumangon sa aking higaan. At muntikan na akong mawalan ng balanse buti na lang ay nakahawak ako sa banister ng aking kama.

“Sh*t!” I utter under my breath when I just lost my balance. Surely enough that I’ve got a ton of freaking alcohol the other night to be on this f*cking state.

I curse again when the strikes of pain clouded my head. Ayaw ko mang uminom but the alcohol only can help me to sleep peacefully. It can make me forget the pain in a short time and also can help me sleep without those freaking nightmares that I swear to god, I want to forget.

But lately this nightmare come backs and hunts me in my sleep, kahit gaano karaming alak ang laklakin ko ay hindi parin nila ako tinatantanan sa pagtulog ko.

Tulad ngayon, I dreamt again that lady. That freaking mysterious lady on my dreams. That even I dig deeper on my head, despite how I try to remember who she was and why does she give me those flippin’ nightmares. But my mind can’t get me the answers for it. Even before the f*cking accident occurred.

Yeah, that mother f*cking accident. I disgustingly smirk, I ‘am still full of remorse just by thinking of it.

Yes, it doesn’t kill me. But that freaking accident took my life figuratively and that is insanely painful. Like you wanted to die literally. My life as an actor, because of external and internal damage that I’ve got it to take months or year before I hear them and yes it heals but the scar that left in my head that goes from the right upper corner of my head down to eyes to my cheeks, in my body, in my arms, and legs can never be erased.

And also, the f*cking anomalies on my management they are the ones who helps that f*cking misery happened to me. Those bastards that I trusted my life, that I sacrifice my life for just f*cking betray that sh*t out of me.

Due to that, I lose my career and the self-esteem that I’ve got. Because every time I saw myself in the mirror, I never really saw me, na hindi ko na kilala kung sino ang nakatayo sa harapan ko. And it makes me see the world from another perspective. That left gray and jaded. Hard to give my trust again, if I have some.

My hair got even more longer because I never care to cut them. The pitch black color of it is finally gone and replaced with its true color. And it’s like the color of the sun. My whole body scarred because of the shards of the window glass of the van that scattered all over my body when the accident happened and wounded me, externally and internally.

And the scar on my head was largest one of them and mapalad ako’t hindi ko ikinabulag ang aksidente at walang mga piraso o bubog ng nabasag na bintana ng sasakyan, ang nakapasok dito at baka pati ito ay mawala na rin sa akin.

Though I could let those scars go if I wanted to. But for what? And even though the scars can smooth out on my face and body. The scars that left inside will never be.

Ang mas masakit pa rito ay ang pag-iwan sa akin ng taong ang akala ko ay mapagsasandalan ko sa mga panahon na ito at aagapay sa akin hanggang sa maka-alis ako sa impyernong kinasadlakan ko.

After the call that Dionysus made, ilang ulit parin namin itong tinawagan. I just thought, na baka ano lang ang nagyari sa kanya o nakatulog lang sya sa sobrang pagod at pag-aalala or what, o may nangyari ng masama rito. All the possibilities arise in my head that just make my anxiety get worst.

I still try though, until I asked one of my brothers to check in my house and see what happens there or what’s happened to her.

But to my surprise that kills me the most inside.  Wala ni sino man ang naroon sa bahay kung saan kami nakatira. In that, I still try to be positive as much as possible. I thought she’s just on her friends because Lora doesn’t have her family anymore and only has her few friends.

I check all her friends if they have her but to my devastation just arises. When they said that they don’t know where the hell Lora is. Ang sabi pa nil ana matagal ng di nakikipag-usap at nakikipagkita ang kaibigan nila sa kanila. I feel numb at that time and don’t what to do even I can’t even feel the pain of the wounds on my body.

But I still try to call her and ask for help from her friends that if there’s a chance that they met her or know her whereabouts, they should call him immediately. I just don’t want to lose those glimpses of hope that I got and I don’t want to get so negative and thought the things that I’m dreaded just to think about

Hanggang sa na nakalabas na ako sa ospital ay walang Lora ang nagpakita, even if I use my connections and the help of my brother’s connection still a fruitless act.  Is like she disintegrated from the face of the earth. At walang iniwan na kahit anong bakas. There is no missing records even though I flag one, walang kahit sinong nakakita sa kanya. Kahit ang laki na ng pabuyang ipinatong ko para lang sa makakakita sa kanya. Even on the list of the dead people, though I hate to do that. I still did it. Even ask one of my friends that is the owner of the biggest airlines, shipment, ferry, and every transportation that can let her go away from me. Yet, it’s still lead on the dead end.

I feel my heart breaks into a million pieces at that time. The woman that I love and cherish just vanish into thin air and nowhere to be found. I don’t what to expect. I try to question everything that I’ve done. Na umabot sa puntong pati ang relasyon naming tumagal ng mahigit sa apat na taon ay kinweston ko narin, dahil sa baba ng kinasadlakan ko.

Nakadagdag pa lungkot ang pagkawala sa akin ng aking karera. Like in just one snap, everything that I knew, that I have and used to disappear, and I’m left on the floor naked and wounded.

I’m just so lucky that with everything happened, everything that have been through. Gutted and everything.  Still my brothers doesn’t leave my side and cuddle me with their arms and help me to put my ground again.

First thing I do when I realized that the life that I’ve known before will not come back to me anymore. I walk away from everything and live off grid. In the Island that I’d have. Here I shut myself to the outside world. Now three years after all that devastating fiasco happened, I’m still full of wounds, full of pain and nothing but hole in my chest. And didn’t move a bit inside.

The driver that causes the accident, is up until now we are clueless why does he do that. And the f*cking missing guard that my management helps to ruin my life still out of the picture. Even if me and especially my brothers dig deep still nothing make sense. Madaming haka-haka na kesho dahil daw sa inggit o galit. Though the management that I talk dearly about before also thrown into the depts of hell. Because on what they have done to me. They said they do it for the sake of money, na para bang kulang ang kasikatan ko noon upang pagkakitaan nila. Though I think that is what happened if you are so greed on something that it doesn’t have to your f*cking life.

We ask my management about that, but they don’t know anything except with the little formal information’s that you can get when employing someone. And when you have that kind of money you desire, I think you don’t have the tongue to question everything, right? For them, I guess. For those fiends of money and power. Money itself is not bad but the one who wields it makes it bad or good.

Those years passed by I’m still in the dark figuratively and literally.

I walk through my room and end in my bathroom I wash my face and brush my teeth, then check the medicine cabinet if there is something that can help with my throbbing head. When I see something that I can have, I just shove it into my mouth without drinking water. And the bitterness of the medicine spread on my tongue but there is nothing much bitter that my life right now.

When the bitterness of the medicine washes away from my tongue. I get my way out of my room at tyempo namang nakaramdam na ako ng gutom.

The Island has everything that I need from the freshwater, electricity, and food that is delivered for me by one of my brothers or their men every week.

Nang makababa na ako mula sa kwarto ay dumiretso na akong sa kusina at binuksan at tinignan kung ano ba pwdeng lutuin. Thank god that I can cook simple dishes to survive.

When I saw that the fridge only has two eggs and a pack of bacon and beers in it, kininuha ko na ito at sinimulan ang pagluluto.

The week is ending kaya wala ng lama ang ref ko kundi beer at iba pang inumin. Tsak na darating ang isa sa aking m ga kapatid para maghatid ng pagkain at para kamustahin ako o kaya naman ay magpapadala na lang sila ng iba upang gawin ito. Ngunit kadalasan naman ay isa sa kanila ang dumarating.

The whole two-story tropical inspired house is a mess at kailangan ng linisin. Dahil like the food every week lang dumarating para linisin ang buong bahay.

While I’m cooking my eggs and bacon breakfast, I remember my brothers. I think kung wala sila ngayon sa buhay ko, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin. I’m so lost, full of hatred to the world of why the hell this happens to me. Wala naman akong ginawan ng masama, I always try my best to always do good for everybody. Kaya hindi maarok ng aking isipan kung bakit ang lahat ng ito ay nangyari sa akin.

But yeah, life is f*cking mystery even a hundred year old person doesn’t even know the true meaning of it.

Sabay naman ng matapos ko nang mailuto ang agahan ko, ay nakarinig ako ng ingay na nanggagaling sa taas. A chopper and by that I know one of my brothers is about to come or more if they can stretch their time to visit me.

I just seat on the stool and ate my breakfast dahil sapalagay ko kinakain na ng large intestine ko ang small intestine ko, sa sobrang gutom.

Kaya nilantaka ko na ito at hinintay na lang kung sino man sa mga kapatid ko ang naisipan dalawin ako ngayong araw.

Nang huminto na ang malakas na ingay, ay ilang minuto ang hinitay ko ng marinig ko pagbukas ng front door ng bahay. At inuluwa nito ang isa mga kapatid ko na si Hermes, at ng makita ko ito ay napakunot ako.

Hermes is the weirdest, I think, and the most adventurous among all of my brothers. The last time that I’ve seen him, nung dinalaw nya akong last month ang kulay pa ng buhok nito kulay gray. Ngayon naman ay moss green, but well it looks like its suite him. It blends perfectly with the deep brown color of his skin and the light blue color of his lens o magaling lang talaga itong magdala. Naalala ko pang hinuhumok ko itong mag-artista o i-try ang pagmo-model. But I should know him best, Hermes will not do anything that he didn’t like even quiet. His hair was on mid-length, undercut that tousled on his head.

When he sees me he quickly greets me with a big hug and kisses my head.

I just let him do that because kahit ano namang tanggi ko ay gagawin at gagawin nya parin iyon. Hermes is the most touching and affectionate among all of my brothers even if his outer physique doesn’t say it. He is tall, three inches taller than me. That made him six foot and six inches with a huge body that full of tattoos.

“Hey there, my islander brother,” he said while he snatches some of my slices of bacon that I’m eating. I try to get it away from him, but he just ate it all and smile mischievously after that.

I just wave my middle finger to him and get back on eating my breakfast. Mabilis ko itong inubos at baka nakawin pa ng isang to. When I finish my meal. I raised my head and I see my brother looking at me, napakunot ako dahil hindi ko gusto ang nababasa ko sa mukha nito. Sympathy and sadness.

“Cut the f*ck off, Hermes.” I stand off and just drag the dishes on the sink.

“Why brother it’s been three years and your still here, doing nothing but just ruining yourself, more and more.” Madamdamin nitong sabi, while me I just wave it off at marahas na kinuha ang alak na nasa ref pagkatapos ay mabilis na tinungga at umalis sa kusina.

“You can’t just be like this forever. Yes, we understand that you think that you lose everything you knew but Apollo we are still here and most especially you are still here.” He says after he follows me onto the living room.

I want to snap it back at him, but nothing comes at me because everything he said makes sense.

I know that he is right that, that I can’t be like this forever. Yes, I’m in hell and I’m hurting I know that. But if I’m in hell, then why I stop there? But I don’t know where to start, I’m still lost in the dark, my nightmare, my past is still hunting me.

Kumalat ang katahimikan sa buong bahay rinig mo lang malayong tunog ng hampas ng mga alon sa dalampasigan.

“We love you brother, and we are so wounded to see you like this.” He said that it makes my emotions stir more.

“We respect your decision to be here and heal yourself, but years gone by still nothing has changed and you’re still stuck. And I will not let you do it to yourself anymore.”

“Kung ang tanging paraan lang ay kaladkarin ka palabas ng islang ito ay gagawin ko.” I can’t look at him while he is pouring all of his frustration about my situation to me.

I know that there is also a huge impact on my brothers, in everything that I’ve been facing. And I hate myself dahil nasasaktan ko sila. But I know I can’t blame myself more

“Come to my birthday next week, magpapadala ako ng chopper dito.” Sabi nito matapos ng mahabang katahimikan.

“I miss those old days that we travel, on every birthday of one another. We cannot do that now but at least we can celebrate it. All of us together.” Malungkot na sabi nito.

He tapped my back then he walks his way to the front door and speaks. When still I didn’t say anything.

“I will wait for you there kuya Apollo.” Yun na lang ang huling sinabi nya bago lumabas sa kinalalagyan ko. maya-maya lang ay narinig ko na ang ingay ng chopper na naghatid sa kanya rito. Hangang sa lumayo na ito at hindi ko na narinig ang ingay nito.

I just sigh at nanghihinang napaupo sa wooden single sofa chair na nawala na husto ang pakakaayos. Ibinaba ko ang hawak na bote ng alak at marahas na hinilamos ang kamay ko sa mukha ko.

Can I finally, do it? Am I ready to let suns shine again on me? I question myself.