Fallen from Grace

Chapter XVI

Have you ever thought, how would you describe an emotion to someone who has never felt it before? Like you are trying make a toddler understand what joy was, what pain was, what grief was? The human mind so complex, and it feels such a wide range of emotions, you as a maturing person, understand what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way, but do you have the words to explain to someone who has never felt so before?

Now, try describing the emotion commonly associated with depression and called 'grief'. Describe how the grief would feel when you find out that your best friend is dying, due to stage 3 cancer that wasn't there until last month.

Let me tell you how it would feel.

Grief. Feels like emptiness in you heart, a shear of nothingness that somehow takes over and holds your soul and threatens to kill you entirely. It gives you this heavy feeling that's like the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders and there is nothing you can do to get out from under it. Its like this hole in your heart that is the shape of the one you lost and that makes you feel the need to wipe away any non-existent tears that you want to form, but can't.

Do you understand what I am saying here? Describing human emotions isn't easy. Understanding them isn't easy. Feeling them is most definitely not easy.

Now, put yourself in the shoes of the white haired girl. The girl who had so much to look forward to. Who had ambitions, and dreams, and a plan. The girl, who finally thought, she found her purpose. Imagine how she felt when she learned that she wouldn't get the chance to go to University like she wished, she wouldn't graduate like she wanted, she wouldn't become a doctor like she envisioned, and she wouldn't settle down with the ideal man and have a family of her own like she dreamed.

Loss...is painstakingly hard and no one is a stranger it.

**

The apartment was silent, the clock ticking by the seconds that passed, the seconds that brought her closer to her demise. The jingling of keys could be heard outside the door as the right one was fitted into the slot, turning the lock open with a distinctive click. The door swung open as Eleanora's footsteps resonated through the foyer, her light feet being drowned out by the heavy boots that thudded against the flooring.

Placing her belongings away, Eleanora leaned against her window sill, looking over her shoulder and out at the white sidewalk that resided beneath her. It was silent.

Apollyon sat down on the sofa, feeling extremely drained but not being able to rest. He wracked his mind, salvaging every little moment he shared with her. He went back in time in his mind, starting from when they woke up together, with her admonishing him to get out of bed and get dressed for school. All the projects they worked on together, their weekends off. Then he traveled back a little more, to the day he arrived at her door, battered and bruised and bleeding.

Closing his eyes, his thought drifted further back, to when he was the Devil, but his memories came to a sudden halt at a pair of beady dark brown eyes, glowering down at him.

'Just get it over with.' Apollyon heard his voice groan in pain. 'And tell Eleanora that I apologize for failing her. If anything, then give her a quick and painless death, too.'

He recalled the devious glint in his brother's eyes as he looked down at him. A look that haunted him in his dreams.

'Killing her isn't our problem anymore. Her days are already numbered. She is, after all, a mere human.' Micheal's voice echoed in his skull, growing louder as his head pounded. 'I'm going to take your most precious gift away from you, Lucifer.' Micheal grinned just as the blade came down at him

Apollyon gasped in fright, the glass in his hands falling and shattering to pieces. Eleanora glanced up at him from her place against the window as his face was ashen, his breathing labored and sweat beading her forehead. Apollyon looked around frantically as a realization hit him like a boulder.

"'Killing her isn't our problem anymore.'" He muttered under his breath as Eleanora looked at him in confusion. "'Her days are already numbered.'"

"'I'm going to take your most precious gift away.'"

"Apollyon? What are you talking about." Eleanora inquired in concern as he wasn't making sense of the jumbled sentences he spoke.

Apollyon released a humorless chuckle as he clutched his head in his hands, shaking with the intensity of the emotions he felt.

"It's my fault." He whimpered as Eleanora didn't understand what he was saying. "It's all my fault."

"What is?" She prompted in confusion. "What is your fault?"

"All of it!" He cried out while jumping to his feet. He paced around the living room as Eleanora looked at him in bewilderment. "The cancer! You dying! It's all my fault! Why don't you get it!" He exclaimed as he turned to her with glassy eyes.

"Apollyon..." Eleanora trailed softly. "The cancer isn't your fault. You couldn't have known-"

"-'Killing her isn't our problem any more. Her days are numbered'." Apollyon recited to Eleanora, looking her dead in the eyes as a stray tear streamed down his face at the revelation. "'I am going to take your most precious gift away, Lucifer'."

"What?"

"Michael. Michael said all of that to me before taking away my Grace." Apollyon choked. "Killing her isn't out problem anymore. He is referring to you, he is saying that they aren't supposed to kill you. He said that your days are numbered, and I thought he meant you are human and mortal."

"No." Eleanora caught onto what he meant, stumbling back in surprise as her back collided with the pedestal, the vase of flowers shattering to the floor. "Apollyon, no. Stop it."

"I am going to take your most precious gift away, Lucifer." He continued to choke out as the lump in his throat was making it increasingly difficult to talk.

"-Shut up! No! Stop it!" Eleanora exclaimed as she clamped her hands over her ears.

"My most precious gift wasn't only my Grace."

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

"My most precious gift was my freedom and-"

"-Don't you dare! Apollyon Masters, don't you dare!"

"-And you." He choked. "You. My first and only friend. My most precious gift. My freedom. My salvation."

"Shut up." She cried as she tried to block it all out, not wanting to believe a single word that came out of his mouth. "Stop it."

"I am so sorry." He grieved as the tears streamed down his face. "You are dying because of me. It's all my fault."

Eleanora still had her hands clamped over her ears tightly, her eyes shutting the world out as the tears continued to flow down. Without warning she pushed herself away from the wall, and rushed into her room. Closing the doors with an unceremonious bang as the distinctive click of the lock sliding into place resonated through the apartment.

Apollyon slid down against her door as he wrapped his hands around his knees, pulling them up to his chest as her heart filled sobs were heard from the other side of the door. Eleanora cried on the other side of the door, her back against the wooden surface, her fingers gripping at her white tresses as it was hard to know that she was dying, but even harder to know that her best friend was the cause of it all.

Both of them leaned their heads against the wooden surface as the tears flowed down both of their faces. Tears of grief, pain, and guilt.

**

Apollyon had no idea when, but he fell asleep on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest as he rested his head on his arms. The morning sunlight shone through the unveiled window as his breathing was slow and even. The locks clicked as the door swung open. Instantly Apollyon started to fall back as he awoke with a surprised shriek, his eyes wide with attention and panic.

Looking up, he saw Eleanora's face looking down at him. She looked completely disheveled. Her hair all over the place, her eyes bloodshot and puffy, with her cheeks flushed and dried tears stains tainting her face, and Apollyon was sure that we has in no better condition.

"You're still here." She croaked in a sore voice as she cleared her throat and rubbed her neck.

"Yeah." He whispered faintly as he couldn't bear to look into her eyes. "I couldn't just leave."

"You could." Eleanora informed monotonously as she started to walk over to the kitchen, Apollyon standing and following after her. "You'd simply walk out of here and up the stairs to your own apartment."

"No, I mean I didn't want to leave you alone." Apollyon murmured softly as he came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her midriff as he buried his face in her hair, inhaling the warm vanilla and sugar fragrance of her shampoo. "I couldn't bring myself to leave you alone like this."

Eleanora fell silent as she let him hug her. Lowering the pan onto the stove, she stood still and leaned her head against his chest, breathing in the musky diesel scent that rolled off him. They stood silently for a second as Eleanora couldn't bring herself to hold a grudge against him. For a moment she felt his lips brush the skin of her neck, but dismissed it as her imagination as he placed a kiss on her temple.

"I don't know how to make you realize how sorry I am." He murmured against her crown. "It is killing me to know that I am the cause of all this."

"It's alright, Apollyon." Eleanora sniffled as she rubbed her thumb over the hand on her stomach. "I forgive you."

"Why?" He choked. "Why are you forgiving me?"

"Because you didn't know." She continued in a strained voice. "And it's not entirely your fault. I summoned you, this situation is just as much my fault as it is yours. You lost your Grace because of me-"

"-You gave up your soul to become my friend."

"You are just as human as I am now, and we are prone to making mistakes."

"-But not ones that kill the person they care the most about."

"-Those are common, too." She sniffled as she wiped her cheeks. "Don't beat yourself up over it."

"Then don't forgive me." Apollyon proclaimed. "I don't deserve to be with such a kind person as you, Eleanora. Don't forgive me. I deserve to suffer for my mistakes, not you."

"Well, that's not possible now, is it?" Eleanora joked lightheartedly. "Because I have already forgiven you."

Pulling away from him she washed her face in the kitchen sink as she dried her face with a towel.

"Let's have breakfast outside, Dr. Harold wanted to talk to me regarding the cancer." Eleanora informed as she tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Join me?"

"Okay." He nodded. "Let me get changed."

"Alright." Eleanora gave him a forced smile as he walked out of the apartment and towards his own while Eleanora went into her bedroom to get changed.

They both met at the end of the stairs as they greeted Mrs. Scott a good morning, informing her that they were heading out for breakfast and trying their best to pass off their smiles as genuine. Mrs. Scott didn't know that the girl in front of her was dying, she didn't know the emotional turmoil that went on inside the young teen and how soon she was expected to leave the world. Eleanora didn't have it in her to tell this woman that she was dying, she couldn't bring herself to tell her or Elliot for that matter.

Mrs. Scott insisted that they come inside for some breakfast, and much persistence on her part, they both finally relented. Sitting at the dining table, the elderly woman engaged in friendly chitchat as she was retelling her memories with Eleanora. The white-haired girl smiled back at her, but deep inside a foreboding feeling settled in the pit of her stomach as she knew that she would never get to relive those memories with Mrs. Scott, her eyes prickling with tears.

Apollyon grabbed her hand from under the table and gave it a tight squeeze, assuring her that he was still here and not going anywhere.

Once they finished with the delicious breakfast they bid their farewell as they made their way out the complex. Apollyon suggested that they take the bike, but Eleanora insisted on walking to the hospital. They both walked down the sidewalk in the chilly November air. Silently Apollyon tread his fingers through hers as they both walked down the sidewalk hand in hand, the warmth pf each other being passed on.

Eleanora looked around herself, adamant on committing the snowy town of Forget to memory so that she didn't have any regrets of not appreciating it when the time finally came for her to leave. Apollyon could see what she was doing and it ached his heart to know that he only had one and a half year left with her. From forever, it decreased to 18 months.

Arriving at the hospital, they were instantly greeted by Dr. Harold, who smiled at the two, ushering them into his office. Settling down in front of his desk, the doctor informed them that he would be right back. The office was immaculately clean and well kept for a busy doctor. Apollyon glanced around, occasionally squeezing her hand in his lap to assure her that he was right here.

Dr. Harold soon came back as he sat down behind his desk, flipping through the pages of the folder he placed in front of him. He asked Eleanora how she was feeling and gave her prescribed medications to neutralize her symptoms as he told her everything that she needed to know.

"However, there is another matter I wanted to discuss with you." Dr. Harold informed seriously looking at Eleanora and Apollyon. "We can try to operate and remove the tumor."

"That's great! When can you do it!" Apollyon exclaimed at the good news.

"But." Dr. Harold intervened. "But this operation has a high risk percentage."

"How high?" Eleanora inquired softly.

"97%" Dr. Harold informed as Eleanora slumped in her seat. "But if you do make it through the operation there is a high chance that you would be attached to a machine for the rest of your life and then there is the chance of you coming out of that operation completely healed and healthy."

He looked at Eleanora's poker face then at the tense expression on Apollyon's face.

"Would you like me to schedule a surgery?" He inquired as he opened a notebook, his pen howering over the parchment. "It's up to you what you want to do, Ms. Clark."

Apollyon looked at Dr. Harold, and then towards Eleanora expectantly as she wouldn't meet his gaze, and looked greatly intrigued by the pen the doctor was holding in his fingers.

"No." She shook her head as Apollyon felt as if though someone had just shot him, his hand releasing hers as she rested them into her lap. "I don't want the surgery."

"You are aware that you will die in 18 months time." Dr. Harold informed gently as he could see the shock on Apollyon's face.

"I am aware." Eleanora nodded as she still wouldn't meet Apollyon's gaze. "Thank you, Dr. Harold for your time, but I'd rather die living than live merely existing."