BroKen

Chapter 4

She'd shared her hopes and dreams, her fears, all of it with him. He knew what being left behind meant to her and had promised never to desert her the way everyone else had.

Words had been her only solace on those days when life became too much when her reality became a dark hole that she couldn't seem to climb out of. Even with Paul in her life back then as a young teen, she'd had her writing to keep her sane.

She relived the memories as she went through the box now. Taking out the hundreds of stories she'd written over the years. Some of them had been pretty good now that she thought of it, and she cussed Paul in her mind for yet another dream of hers that he'd stolen.

Why was it only now that she so clearly saw just what a selfish prick he was? Why hadn't she had this insight years ago before she'd wasted her youth on his undeserving ass?

He'd stolen her life, taken away her every reason for being. Everything she'd found joy in he'd squashed in some way, or another, if it took her away from catering to his needs.

It was so plain to see now that this was where they were headed. What she'd excused as his commitment to his studies and later as him wanting to be the best at what he did, was in reality, just plain selfishness and indifference. The cold bastard! He was nothing more than a bloodsucking user who'd stood in the way of her every dream for the sake of his own.

"Well, there's nothing stopping you now, is there, Kerry?" She latched onto the thought. Why not? Why not go after something for herself for a change?

Though the thought of shopping around for an agent was daunting, she'd had enough rejection in her life and wasn't looking forward to more. That one thought started the ball rolling, and she was headed back to her daily depression just like that.

She started to push the box back in its place at the reminder of what laid ahead if she took this path, but something stopped her. With her hand on the flaps of the box, she begged for strength. She just needed that one little push to say, 'You can do it.

When was the last time she'd had that? Too many years to count. She was like a dried-up vine searching for moisture in the dark recesses of the earth. Only it was her heart and soul that needed feeding.

"Well, Kerry, there's no one. You have no one left to cheer you on, so you're just gonna have to do it for yourself." She said the words out loud as if by putting them out there, they just might work. She was tired of giving up on herself. What else was there for her to do? She hated the idea of starting over, and going back to school wasn't very appealing.

But did she have what it takes to make it if she ventured out into this new world? She didn't know the first thing about publishing. Her mind had never got that far. What she did know was that it was supposed to be hard as hell to do. Her mind reeled back and away from something that had just a few seconds ago seemed so plausible. That's the way it has been for a long time now. No hope.

That feeling like Vesuvius was crashing down on her once again overcame her as she knelt there in the musty little room, and she felt the threat of the ever-present tears gather at the corners of her eyes. There was pressure on her chest and a ringing in her ears as darkness threatened once again. It was always there, lurking, waiting to suck her under.

Slumping down on the floor, she rested her head on her knees and tried to breathe through it. Every time there's a glimmer of hope, something like this happens. Suddenly, she's faced with all the reasons why she can't achieve something. She had no drive left. The silly thing was, she could see this happening to her as if she were an outsider looking in but had no will to stop it.

She never knew life had so many stumbling blocks. It sure hadn't been this hard when she was doing it for someone else. Oh no, then she was always gung ho; there wasn't anything she couldn't and didn't do for him. She was Mrs. Invincible. Now she could barely summon the will to brush her own teeth in the morning.

She picked her head up on that thought and gave the tiny spark of anger she felt free rein. Why is that, she thought? Why had it been so easy for her to put her life on hold for someone else, sacrifice her time and energy for him, but now couldn't find an ounce of interest in her own future?

Where was that girl who believed so strongly in someone else's dream that she'd fought for it? So what, there was no one to fight for hers? So what, she had no one in her corner?

Didn't the fact that she'd been so good at helping him find his happily ever after mean that she had it in her to do the same for herself? The hell if it didn't. She'd be damned if she'd lay down like a dog and die because other people sucked. She was a good person, wasn't she? She deserved some happiness in her life, just like everyone else. "Damn straight."

There it was. That fire she'd lost and thought was gone forever. Hell yeah. You've been knocked on your ass, Kerry girl, but you're not out of the fight. The smile on her face, this time, turned into a happy grin.

With her mind racing, she started thinking of all the things she'd been really good at. Yes, for once, Kerry, don't just think of your failures; think about those things that you were once so proud of achieving. She coached her poor beleaguered mind.

She had always been an excellent cook, and people had made mention of her interior design savvy time and again. Those were all good, but she kept coming back to her stories. The joy she once had at that simple task. Besides, she didn't have to go out and face the world to write, not yet anyway.

Writing had always been the only thing she'd ever really wanted to do. Maybe she could go to school for that, hone her skills, so to speak. But she balked at the idea of spending so much time on something that she believed was a gift that didn't need to be taught. She'd always seen writing as something that came naturally. Besides, she didn't have the money for that even if she wanted to.