The Soldier Who Taught Her to Love

Chapter One - Small Green Shoots

Chapter One –Small green shoots

Over a period of six weeks, each Sunday evening Kyla watched the show hoping the contestant number 5 who had inspired her so much would make it to the end, and pass the ultimate test of stamina, endurance, and strength of mind.  This show and determination of each contestant helped motivate her each morning to arise at 5:30 am and head out to the gym to start the day with some supposed light cardio.

At this time of the morning hardly anyone was present in the place normally filled with the fit and healthy of her small village, most people still asleep apart from those like Kyla who wished not to be seen whilst taking the first tentative steps on the road to becoming fit and healthy. 

Kyla took comfort from this, it was not as embarrassing when she managed to only walk on the treadmill sweating profusely each breath laboured from the exhausting effort, and she had saved the population of the small village of Wylam in the county of Northumberland the north east of England of having to watch her fat ass wobble as she walked, or her tummy jiggle as she climbed the never ending rotating steps, whilst feeling like she may have a coronary attack at any given moment.  

Kyla had replaced the doughnuts with strawberries, or Kiwi fruits, and replaced the fatty fried fish and chips that she loved so much with steamed fish and small boiled potatoes.  She received no encouragement from her ever critical parents, they only told her daily that it would take more than an hour’s work out at the gym each day to change her lot in life, that this was a passing phase that would not last, and how she had wasted good money that would be better spent on finding a way to get out of their house, how eventually she would again prove to be nothing but a failure.

Rather than discourage her or make her feel the need to grab a large slab of chocolate cake, she pushed on, using the sting and torment of the words to empower her work out, feeding on the anger and hurt to propel her exercise to a higher level.

When she grew tired and wanted to stop her walk or cycling the voice of the dark haired, buff, Ex special forces instructor, whose eyes of grey and face that held the lines of experience and torment but only added to his appeal rang in her ears. “MOVE, ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE UP” and each time she remembered contestant number five and his utter refusal to give in, and so she walked further, or peddled faster.

Kyla had if she was to be honest with herself, developed something akin to a small teenage, inspired crush on this man who oozed testosterone and confidence, although he shouted at the contestants, he seemed more approachable than the other instructors. His name was Jim Henderson but had the nick name of “Kermit” and she had found herself reading up on how he had overcome PTSD before joining the show and teaming up with other EX SF soldiers.  His personal journey was an inspiration in itself, and she felt again she could relate to him in some small way, as he had never had a relationship, preferring the lonely lifestyle just like she did.  However, reading the same information on ‘Kermit’ Daily was tantamount to stalkerish, and another reason to despise herself for getting attached to someone so unobtainable, who she did not even know in person.

Maybe it was the fact that she would never meet this man that allowed her to dream, it was a fantasy, not reality, safe from more rejection and hurt. She would imagine his voice as he inspired, pushed, and praised her for all the hard work she was doing to attempt to better herself and move away from the mundane existence and painful life she was enduring.

The weeks turned into months, and Kyla had already dropped two sizes in her clothing, she refused even to this day to stand on a scale or look at herself naked in a mirror, but she knew she was fitter than before, able to walk without sounding like she had a bad case of Asthma. Although she still had a long way to go, a small amount of confidence appeared a tiny sprout of green on the bare branches of her life, and this spurred her on.

Today Kyla was again going to attempt to jog up the side of a small hill, something she had yet to achieve, but determination to reach the top without stopping or walking pulsed through her veins, feeding her ambition and kept her trying each day to achieve her goal. As she jogged, breathless and panting, she reached over halfway, her legs heavy from the lactic acid build up, her lungs feeling painfully stretched within her chest, her heart pounding louder than the base line of “Another One Bites the Dust” yet still she pushed. But when a stitch took her remaining breath away, she felt like she would fail again. 

“Are you giving up, come on MOVE” Kermit’s baritone voice echoed in her mind, her imagination of that man pushing her inspired a fresh wave of determination, to reach her goal and hit the summit of the small hill but was as big as Ben Nevis in her mind.

Kyla jogged through the pain barrier, one painful step after another, breathing hard and fast. After what felt like hours but in reality was just minutes Kyla reached the top, and as she looked over the lush green scenery below her, she felt like jumping up and down, shouting with joy having her own personal Rocky Balboa moment, but, the wobble of her legs and the pain in her side reminded her that although this was her achievement, people ran up here daily without breaking a sweat, so she silently smiled, not wanting to draw attention to herself.  But for Kyla it was an achievement, and she had not failed, she would store this feeling within herself, allowing it to feed her fragile confidence and nurture the small green shoots that promised so much that were now starting to grow mind’s eye.  

The months turned to a year and a half, as she celebrated her Twenty fifth birthday, still alone, and friendless, tainted by the memories that people were not to be trusted. No one had bothered, she had not received a birthday card, her social media account did not contain the hundreds of birthday wishes most enjoy, nor did she even receive the words “Happy Birthday” from her parents, as they despised this day as it served to remind them that if not for Kyla, they would be living a perfect happy life, away from each other.

Kyla still found herself hiding away from the world, never wanting to engage with anyone, avoiding the stares and mutterings of those around her who had done nothing other than torment her very existence.  

However, her health had improved tenfold, her once flabby overweight body was toned, strong and within the perfect BMI Range of 130 pounds for her five foot 6 inch height.  She could now run up the small hill at full speed without breaking a sweat, before embarking on a ten Klic run with a 100 pound rucksack on her back. Kyla could now do fifty full press ups when she could not even do one half press up at the start, 75 stomach crunches, then break into 60 star jumps.  Her routine was totally flipped upon its head from what it had been.  Gym 5:30 then straight to school to teach the wayward teenagers of the village, which sometimes felt thankless and still gave her a sense of not making the difference she had once hoped, and another wave of failure started to bury itself within her soul. After her work Kyla would head home for a healthy tea, then setting off out to jog, with or without bag packs depending on where she was going and how far.  She would return shower, grab a banana for energy, then do her marking, or lesson plans before finishing the day reading a book. Training had become her whole life, replacing food as a source of comfort for exercise, and she felt better for it.  But still sadness remained as the realities that had caused her to eat still remained and fed her insecurities that were so deep rooted within her heart it would take an excavation of epic proportions to reach them and pull them out.  

Kyla had still to look at herself naked in the mirror, never summoning up the courage to do so afraid of what she would find in the reflection, as in her mind, she was still the awkward fat ugly teenager, but she felt, healthier and better than she had ever in her life. Her pale skin had a glow to it, but one thing she could never change was her weird violet eyes, that had offended so many of her peers growing up.

After a warm shower that eased the tension from her shoulders from her run with her heavy back pack Kyla decided to flick through the channels of her TV. Suddenly she saw a promo flash upon her screen.

“Special Forces, Have YOU Got What It Takes? if you think you can complete the selection process, this highly popular reality TV show. want to hear from you”

Kyla looked on, should she? could she? Although she believed that she would not reach the end, could she at least complete some of the process that had inspired her eighteen months ago. Shaking her head, in disbelief that she was even contemplating this as an option, inviting the viewers to watch her fall and fail, her old bullies laughing at her, pointing, saying to their significant other, “There is fatty weird eyes, what is she even doing on there, lets watch and see how pathetic she is” The disappointment of her parents at how she again proved that she was worthless, but this time in front of millions across the country.

Panic rose up from the pit of her stomach,  causing her heart beat to pound as fast as if she had ran 20 Klic’s with 200 pounds strapped to her back, her throat began to tighten, and stomach to clench, as tears pricked her eyes at the thoughts of her perceived failure and disgrace, and she quickly dismissed the idea as a total impossibility, because in reality she did NOT have what it takes, to succeed in this life.

That night, Kyla lay in her small single bed, snuggled with the covers over her head drowning out the sounds of her parent’s argument, after all these years, and even as an adult she still found the experience as traumatic as if she were a child. The raised voices back and forth, the words of pure hatred shouted so loud it was enough to wake the dead. The pressure for her to find her own place, had mounted, her parent’s daily reminder that she was a failure because she still lived in her small childhood bedroom, added to the desperate need to leave. But it was within her reach, only a few more months of saving would render her a large enough deposit to get herself a mortgage and leave this place behind. Another sense of achievement washed over her, causing a small smile to reach her lips, soon she would be free.

As she drifted off to sleep the promo played again in her mind, on repeat, taunting her, begging her to come and try, to show that she did have what it takes, and so with a blood rush to her brain, Kyla squashed down the fear that pulsed through her veins, and clicked onto the website, applying for the show that had helped her change her health so dramatically.