The Lotus And The Billionaire

Chapter 80: Drunk Words, Sober thoughts

Alvarez never touched me in a sensual way again after that talk we had. Heck, he barely even talked to me. Ever since I tried to talk him out of it in his office the other day, things have changed.

My husband is not an i***t. I already knew that much, but I still went with what I wanted anyway. He must have caught a whiff of what I did because of the way I reacted, and I kind of understand where he’s coming from.

Even so, I don’t want this to go on. It feels terrible when he’s being like this to me…

“Alvarez,” I called when I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hmm?”

“Do you have plans tonight?”

He looked at me for a minute, probably wondering what was going on. He tilted his head to the side while fixing his tie. Damn, I wanted to fix it, but I knew he was going to avoid me. I can’t do it because I would end up embarrassing myself if I did…

“I do have plans,” he answered after a long stretch of silence.

My mouth hung open as I tried to catch up with him. “What? But isn’t it a weekend tomorrow? You usually free your schedule—”

“I used to. Diaz, there are a lot of things I need to do today. I’ll be working overtime, so I want you to stay here and wait for me.”

I could feel my chest constricting in pain as I watched him leave through the front door. He never would have rejected me so coldly if I just let things be. If I did, he never would have realized it.

Wait.

Perhaps I’m simply overthinking it, like I always do. Lately, Alvarez has been working more than he normally would because he’s trying to keep everything on track. A lot of things have been happening lately, so he must have had to keep the company projects in check.

If that was the case, I could understand why he’s acting cold towards me—wait! Why do I even care if he’s mad? Shouldn’t I have felt no compassion towards the man?

Ah, no.

Have I, perhaps, buried something at the back of my mind and never kept it in check?

Ah.

I did.

Definitely.

I let out a chuckle as I headed for the wine cellar, taking out one of Alvarez’s strongest liquors to the living room. This is making me feel all sorts of weird feelings that I don’t like.

Another sigh escaped from my lips as I looked at the television, drinking from a half-full wine glass in my robe. It’s still morning and I’m already like this. I wonder what kind of mess I’ll be like the moment Alvarez enters the front door.

I shook my head in dismay as I continued to watch the show. To be honest, I don’t know what sort of series I’m watching, but I don’t care. Right now, all I want is to have a good drink to get rid of the thoughts that keep on invading my mind.

“Ah, what am I doing to myself?”

I’m better than this, I know that. I shouldn’t be drowning myself in liquor just because a man has been cold to me. There never was a time where I needed alcohol to pull myself together…because of a man.

This is most certainly not how I should be. The old me would have been delighted to find out that Alvarez doesn’t want me anymore. It would have meant freedom to her.

Yet me, on the other hand, is a terrible mess. I never should have rediscovered that feeling that I tried so hard to bury by lying to myself. I was doing so well and all, so why…

Tears began to stream down my cheeks. I continued to sip on the alcohol while I silently cried my heart out. I don’t understand why I felt this way. When did it even begin?

I can’t remember anymore. All I know is that I…care about Alvarez now. The act of feeling animosity towards Alvarez I have been putting up for quite some time now…is being torn down.

I, too, am being torn down into pieces. Right now, I’m feeling so lost because this wasn’t how the plan was supposed to work? I should have been the one in control, yet why am I the one being controlled now?

“There is…no way this is happening,” I muttered to myself as I wiped the tears I had been shedding.

Damn, I have to do something about these eyes. Alvarez is sure to notice this once he looks at me. That man…notices a lot of things about me.

Ah. Would he even look at me now?

Fuck, why during this crucial time? It could have happened after the thing with Zenon, but unfortunately, I have to deal with this now.

—————

I could no longer recall how long I had been sitting in the living room, getting myself drunk. My alcohol tolerance is high, but I haven’t had a lot of liquor for quite some time now.

And now…I seem to have fallen asleep for a long time. I probably skipped lunch because the sun is already going down. Based on how the room looks, then I doubt Alvarez had already arrived.

I stood up and went to the kitchen to cook food. Even when I already knew he wouldn’t eat, I cooked food that was enough for two people. If it comes down to it, I’d say I cooked it for Vin.

As I ate alone, I continued to think about the things I could do from now on. I can already see Alvarez divorcing me, but I have to do something about the company. We can probably survive on our own now.

“Ah, s**t. I feel so tired…” I mumbled to myself as I was cleaning the kitchen.

Just as I was leaving the kitchen, I saw the food I cooked for Alvarez. I scoffed and covered it, and then I went back to the living room to continue drinking.

Ha, I never even got drunk after everything I did earlier, but now…

“I have to get so wasted that I would be able to annoy the f**k out of Alvarez. There’s no way I’m not getting back at him for the silent treatment.”

I had always believed that Alvarez wouldn’t be that big of a jerk. He was the kind of man that would tell you what was wrong. Of course, he does keep secrets, but at the very least…he would tell me what was going on.

But now, he doesn’t. He refuses to tell me s**t.

I know that it has only been a day or two. I have lost track of time already…or perhaps it’s because of the amount of alcohol I have taken. Even so, I wanted to know what was going on. That was the point. I wanted him to tell me directly…that he doesn’t want me anymore and that he despises my very being.

What am I even thinking…? Heck, I shouldn’t be thinking at all!

I shut my eyes tightly and poured as much alcohol as I could into the glass I was holding. I didn’t care anymore. I just…wanted to get even. Or at the very least, piss him off.

I couldn’t count how many times I refilled the glass already. Neither was I able to catch up with the events that occurred in the series I was watching. Heck, I don’t even know the names of the characters!

Perhaps I really have gone crazy. I laughed and cried when the characters did, even when I didn’t know what was happening. It felt…empty and hollow.

Ah, that’s the word.

“Diaz?”

It felt as though everything was put to a stop when I heard his voice. f**k, I didn’t hear the door open!

I turned to look at him, and saw him entering, looking very stressed. Vin was following him, and when he saw me, he looked furious.

“Ah, there you are!” I stood up despite being wobbly because of the alcohol.

The wine in the glass I was holding almost spilled as I was staggering. Alvarez was going to catch me as I walked towards them, but he stiffened when he realized I was going for Vin.

Vin immediately caught me when I jumped on him while laughing uncontrollably. I could see how furious he was with the way his brows were furrowed, so I chuckled and traced his eyebrows. That made him loosen up a little.

“What are you doing?” he asked as he held my waist and guided me back to the sofa.

“Hmm? Me? Just drinking, having fun!”

“Sha, you should have called me if so! Who knows what could have happened while you were all alone here,” he reprimanded.

I pouted and placed my hands on his lips to shut him up. “Look, I’m alive and well. That’s the important thing!” I drawled as hiccups interrupted my sentences every now and then.

“Salvador,” I heard Alvarez call Vin. “You can go now.”

I glared at him. “What are you doing here? Go to the bedroom. You had a lot of work today, right? You should be resting!” I said with the most sarcastic tone I could muster.

“Sha, I have to leave…” Vin muttered as he gently tried to pull away.

“No! I even cooked you food because I’ve been waiting for you!” I complained as I pulled him closer.

“You’re making this difficult for me…” he trailed off as he looked at me with a pained expression. His voice was soft, as if he didn’t want Alvarez to hear. “We both know who you really want to stay here with you, and it’s not me.”

I couldn’t even form a reply to what he said, and all I could do was let him go and leave. I saw him bump his shoulder into Alvarez’s, but the latter didn’t even react. Instead, he simply stared at me with an unreadable expression.

To be honest, I could have stood up to his gaze, but I chose not to do it. Right now, I don't want to deal with him or my feelings. I feel so burdened that I could down a whole bottle of liquor.

I stood up to take the bottles to the trash can in the kitchen along with the wine glass I had been using, all while completely ignoring Alvarez’s presence.

“Diaz,” he called when I finished cleaning up.

“I’m going to bed.”

I feel dizzy. Damn it, I don’t think I’ll be able to reach the bedroom when I’m like this. But thankfully, I am still in my right state of mind. I…have control, I think.

“What’s wrong? Why were you drinking?” he asked as he followed me to the bedroom.

“Nothing.”

“It’s not just nothing, and we both know that. You were crying, weren’t you?” he asked as he tried to hold my hand to stop me from walking.

I pulled my hand away as quickly as possible, and then glared at him with contempt in my eyes. He looked hurt by what I did, but I didn’t care anymore. I was just…so mad at myself, him, and perhaps everyone around me.

It wasn’t Alvarez’s fault, and neither was it anyone else’s. It was my fault, and that’s the truth that I can’t bring myself to accept. Even so, I…

“I hate you,” I told him as I tried to stop tears from falling.

“I already know that much, but you need to tell me what’s the problem—”

“The problem? It’s me!” I replied sarcastically as I pointed at myself.

“Diaz, what are you—”

“It’s me because I chose to marry you and ended up dragging everyone into this mess. I’m the problem because I decided to forfeit who I really was just so I could remain wedded to you! I’m the problem because…I tied myself too hard to you!”

“That is not true!”

“Admit it! You’re inconvenienced so much because you offered to marry me! We’re together because of a stupid duty, and that’s why we despise each other so f*****g much!”

Except I really don’t hate you, even if you despise my very existence…