Chase of Heart

Mataman kong pinagmasdan ang tasa ng kape na nasa harap ko habang hinihintay si Loisa na dumating dito sa isang coffee shop sa BGC. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko ngayon, masyadong mabilis ang mga nangyari pero kahit na gaano iyon kabilis ay hindi naging madali ang desisyon kong ito. I sighed heavily at the realization of how playful life can be. In this world where cruelty is over-reaching, I learned that we all need to be independent. We shouldn’t let our emotions dictate us all the time and we need to know on how to trust less. Ni minsan, hindi ko inakala na aabot sa ganito ang lahat. Ni minsan, hindi ko naisip na kung sino pa ang pinagkakatiwalaan natin ng sobra ay sila pang mananakit sa atin pagkatalikod natin. Trust is the hardest thing to find nowadays, but at the same time, it’s the easiest thing to lose. And as I lost everything, I don’t think I can trust again. But I promised myself that this would be the very last time. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo nang makita si Loisa na papasok ng coffee shop. She’s so pretty. It’s not that I’m putting myself down but compared to her, I am completely nothing and it’s obvious. “Hey…” isang inosenteng ngiti ang bungad niya sa akin. Siguro kung hindi ko alam ang ginawa niya ay maniniwala akong inosente siya, pero hindi. “Do you really love Chase?” agad na tanong ko. This is the main reason why I want to talk to her anyway. I just want to make sure that I’ll leave Chase with the person who will love him wholeheartedly. Napasinghap si Loisa sa narinig bago siya marahang tumango “Yes.” Sarkastiko akong natawa sa naging sagot niya, ano nga ba ang hinihintay kong sagot? Hindi ko rin alam. “Obviously, you do.You’ll never do nasty things to separate us if not, right?” bumuntong hininga ako nang wala akong marinig mula sa kanya na kahit na ano, “I know what you did when I was still on Paris, Loisa. But don’t worry, because unlike you, I am not that desperate to have Chase with me. Well, I was.” Dagdag ko pa. “I… I don’t know what you are talking about, Heart.” “Stop playing innocent now, Loisa. Mike already told me everything. Huwag kang mag-alala dahil mananatiling sikreto ang ginawa mo kasi aalis na ako, wala akong kahit anong sasabihin kay Chase,” sagot ko, “Alam mo, kung hindi ka lang buntis baka nasaktan na kita.” Kinuyom ko ang mga kamay ko, nakita ko ang tingin niya na bumaba ro’n kaya pumikit ako ng mariin. “H-Heart…” kinakabahang sad niya. “But what’s the point anyway if he keeps on choosing you over and over again more than me, right?” She’s pregnant, and I guess, that fact is my cue to fully let go of everything, “I just wished that you’ll love him the way he needed to be.” I added. I took the drumstick out of my shoulder bag and placed it in front of her. And then everything that we have gone through suddenly came back, all the memories that I had with Chase all came back as if they all just happened yesterday. “T-This is his promise of forever,” I started saying with a hint of bitter smile on my lips, “I can still remember how he cannot play a drum if he’s not using this drumstick. But I guess everything has changed now. Na-buo niyo nga ulit ang banda eh. Nakaka-tugtog na ulit siya na hindi ito ang gamit niya.” Loisa didn’t say anything as if she’s just waiting for me to end. “Chase gave me the other half the day before I went to Paris. He told me that he’ll keep the other half as a promise that he’ll wait for me no matter what, that he’ll take care of their company just like what I wanted and never play his drum up until I came back, and I guess I don’t need it anymore.” “You know what? I was always dreaming of giving Chase a family he never had. But that’s impossible now since it’s already you he’s going to build a family of his own. Loisa, I just want you to promise me that you’ll give him a happy family,” I sighed heavily as Loisa didn’t say anything. She just remained in silent and stared at me intently. “Keep it, Loisa. It’s yours now.” I said in finality as I stood up and started walking away. This is it. My decision’s final. I’ll let go of him just like what he wanted me to do. “H-Heart, wait!” I heard Loisa calling my name but I didn’t turn around because I don’t want her to see my tears even if she already saw my lost. Masakit. Masakit ang katotohanang sobrang mahal mo ang isang tao pero alam mong wala ka nang magagawa kasi kahit anong gawin mo ay hindi na kayo p’wede. Sometimes I wonder if what hurts most than this feeling I have right now. I guess it’s feeling empty. It hurts. ‘Yong tipong sa sobrang sakit ay parang wala ka nang maramdaman. Mabigat sa pakiramdam, napakahirap huminga. I wiped the tears that are unstoppably falling using my palm as I parked my Dad’s Fortuner in front of Chase’s house. I just want to see him for the last time. Hear his voice, touch him, feel his kiss, feel his presence beside me, and see his face. Makita ko lang siya sa huling pagkakaton ay kontento na ako. I know that after this, my life would never be the same again. I don’t even know if I can still shed the same old smile. I’ll never ever regret that Chase has been a part of my life once because even though I know exactly how worthless and painful he made me feel, he’s still the best thing that ever happened to me. Malawak ang ngiting pinakawalan ko bago binuksan ang pinto ng bahay niya gamit ang susing ibinigay niya sa akin dalawang taon ang nakakalipas. Agad namang bumungad sa akin si Chase na ngayon ay nakahiga sa sofa at tila natutulog. Lumuhod ako sa tabi ng sofa at matamang pinagmasdan ang gwapo niyang mukha na tila ba sinusubukang memoryahin ang lahat ng bagay na pwede kong dalhin at itago sa pag-alis ko. mayamaya lang ay iminulat niya ang kanyang mga mata at nahalata ko ang gulat na bumakas sa mukha niya nang makita ako. “What are you doing here?” hindi ako sumagot, bagkos ay ngumiti lang ako. Biglang tumunog ang cellphone niya na nasa lamisita kaya agad akong napatingin doon. Loisa Andrade calling… I touched his phone’s screen and slid it into the cancel button, “What the fvck-” “Can I please have atleast a minute of your time?” I gagged, asking, begging for the last time. He didn’t answer so I took that as an opportunity to wrap him with my embrace. His body was frozen but he didn’t move. Halata sa kilos niya ang pagtataka. “What happened to us?” I asked in a low voice but he didn’t answer, “I don’t know what happened to us, Chase.” I said trying to sound cool but I know that I miserably failed as my voice broke. Mayamaya lang ay tumunog ulit ang cellphone niya. Agad namang kumawala si Chase sa yakap ko at tumayo para sagutin ang tawag. Mataman niya akong tinignan na may halong pagtataka, ngumiti ako para mapigilan ang luhang nagbabadyang tumulo. “It might be important, Heart. What are you doing here anyway?” He asked as he slid his phone into answer button. Hindi na ako nakasagot dahil naglakad na siya papuntang kusina nang hindi hinihintay ang sagot ko. I guess, that couple of minutes I just had with him is already enough. “Hello, Loisa?” I heard him said. I put the key of his house he gave me on his marble table and I quickly stood up and decided to go as he was gone out of my sight. I hopped inside the Fortuner, put the key on the ignition and gave the engine a life so I could finally get out of here. I look at his house for one last time and drove off. This is the hardest and toughest decision that I have ever made in my entire life. I thought at first that it was leaving him two years ago but I thought wrong. Kasi kung iisipin, noon aalis ako pero alam kong may babalikan pa ako. Pero ngayon, aalis ako at kahit na ilang beses pa akong bumalik ay wala na akong babalikan. This time, I’ll just invest to the people who love me wholeheartedly, to the people who’ll never make me feel worthless, to the people who would never ever hurt me. My Mom and Dad. Agad akong umuwi ng bahay at kinuha ang mga gamit ko. Whatever decisions that I’ll be doing, I know that I won’t regret anything. This is where I’m going to end everything. This is where I’m going to stop chasing. This painful reality is going to be my lesson to accept the fact that not all things will remain until the end. Right now, all I need to do is to stop the endless chase just like what he wanted me to do. Goodbye, Chase.