Chapter 6
2102 Words
We reach her room and I see the white fluffy bed. Who would have known she owns one? It's as if it's a big stuffed toy ready to give you warm hugs. I immediately feel at ease. Then she sits me in bed. She gets my focus on her again when she started to remove her shirt. She still has another shirt inside but I feel like she's already discarded everything. I can see the flexes in her muscles as she removes her shirts. She's now left with her sports b*a and her pants. I can see the abs she has. I don't ever want to count them for that means looking at them longer.
She looks up to me with her hair falling on her sides as she releases her shirt on the carpet.
"Like what you see?" And to further prolong the agony, she takes my hand and grazes it over her flat stomach. I can't help but take a shallow breath and close my eyes. I don't want her to see what's written in my eyes. She takes a deep breath with me, like she's also having a hard time breathing with my hands on her body.
She lets my hand go and the world is spinning. She stops it when she claims my mouth again. This time more passionate, harder, and much fiercer than the kiss we shared earlier. By the way she kisses me, I am all ready to give up everything altogether with my innocence.
Hours ago, I was still looking for best clothes to wear and now I am too eager to have them off me. I'm having a fever and everything even my sight seems to be clouded with heat. Does it really feel this way? I no longer have control over my own body, my thoughts even betray me. I am ready for this? Are we going fast? What will happen after? Will she go find somebody new?
I was suddenly brought back to my senses that I pushed her a little away from me. We were again gasping for air. Her dark moss eyes eyeing me with confusion and traces of passion we just shared.
"Is there something wrong? Did I hurt you?"
I am ashamed to tell her. At this age, I'm still not open to these kind of experiences and is doing everything first time. First day. First time. She might think I'm a phony or just plain tease. I shake my head and looked away, pinning my hands back to my sides.
"I'm not yet ready." I simply say.
"Do you need to take a quick shower? I can let you borrow some clothes. Or maybe you need to freshen up a bit? I can give you some time." She says appeasing the heat that is now dwindling.
"No. I may have to think this over. I may have given the wrong impression." Did I? I hope she understands what I am trying to say instead of having this awkward conversation.
"Oh. Yeah. I think I may have misread you all along." She sounds pissed all of a sudden. "I'll be waiting for you outside after five minutes so you'd have enough time to freshen up before I take you home. She grabs her shirt on the floor, turns away and heads to the living room. I am left feeling suddenly cold and sick to my stomach. I feel rejected and misunderstood. I go into the bathroom and rinse my face. I feel so drunk and my knees are still weak from the kisses we've shared. I never felt so unwanted until now. I have to remind myself that it was me who stopped. Not her. I hope later on I'll see the good in what I've done. I am still responsible of myself and what my feelings will be.
Nobody has a hold on me. I don't want to be such a lovelorn like Tia. And guess who's talking about love now? I almost done this tonight. With a woman. I'm pretty sure I'd be losing sleep tonight.
As I reach the living room, I see her lying on the couch with her arm above her head lost in thoughts. I sit at the opposite couch, hold the pillow in my lap and wait for her to notice me. She started.
"I'm sorry for having an attitude earlier. I must have initiated and influenced you to come home with me tonight. I didn't mean to ruin this date for you. I hope we'll have another chance to try again. Just tell me when you are ready to see me again. I didn't mean to rush this. I-."
"I'm fine. I'm alive. I'm alright. I am ready whenever you are, to bring me home." I tell her as I eye and wait for her to move.
"I had a great night. I want to tell you that tonight is not all wasted. I enjoyed my time with you. I'm looking forward to more dinners and dates to come. I hope I didn't scare you after the first date. But I can't promise you that the next will not end in bed." She says without blinking and her attention is all into my eyes. She's looking into my eyes as if she wants me to believe and at the same time wanting to confirm that I would really want to go out with her again.
I don't know if I am ready to face the consequences of dating her. I am confused as hell and I still need to settle myself because last thing I want to have is identity crisis. Thing is, I want her too but I won't accept that I am turning into gay when all my life I'm seriously straight. It would be fair for the both of us if I just say no now and stop seeing her.
"It will probably take some time getting used to you and I. I'm not telling you that I will no longer go out with you but soon is not the right time. I have to go figure out myself with my wants before I can go out on dates again." She needs my explanation and I hope I am able to say everything without going into details. My heart is breaking in half and it's still the first night. I cannot be in love with her by this time.
Blake is still looking at me trying to understand that she has been declined. She shrugs and takes it coolly as she moves to the door and into the elevator.
"I hope you're not mad." I say not looking at her but just staring at the buildings outside. The city is still alive but only a few are outside. The city is awake but the people are not and hearts are breaking. I have no reason to even think about love. I am not sure if this is even love.
She huffed and continued driving. I feel her eyes on my back but I didn't say a thing. I am waiting for her response.
"I am not. I am just thinking that what we started could be something great. But I am not pushing you to do what you don't like doing. I hope that when you're ready, it is still not too late." She says.
Does that mean she can't wait for me? Is there somebody else? But then again I have no reason to ask. We are not even a thing. I nodded unsure if she sees that I understand or that I try to.
"Turn left by the next corner. The third house on the right is my stop." I instruct her not providing a plausible response to what she said.
The car stops in front of our yard. She looks at it with some sort of confusion.
"I'm living with my aunt during weekends. She's my mother's sister. Since this is closer to the university, I decided it's better to stay here than live with my mother who lives in the south." I say answering her unspoken question. She nods in understanding.
"So, see you when I see you then?" She simply asks.
"Yeah. You can stop by the café anytime you'd want caffeine fix." I say hoping to end this night with a positive note from me as I also tried to smile genuinely.
"And what? Order the cashier? Not too soon I think." She says with a smirk. I maintain my smile hoping not to be distracted by what she's implying.
"Okay. Goodnight then." I wave and turn for the house.
"Goodnight Lana. See you again." She says as I hear her before I turn my keys in.
I go straight for bed as my aunt will not be home tonight. She's working as a nurse in the nearby hospital and as long as I have been here, she's always working nights. Most of the time, we get to bond when she's not working the weekend nights.
She's still single by the way and I haven't heard of any boyfriend on the side. She's still young though. About five years my senior. She's the youngest of the three siblings and the most workaholic of all. I'm just lucky that she's happy to have me here with her. All I have to do is to make sure there that I already cooked some food whenever I'm home. She pretty does everything and pays for everything here.
She had this house not some five years ago after her graduation. She was able to save and buy a house of her own. She's one of the most hardworking woman I have known all my life and I think of her as an inspiration to finish college and start a life of my own too.
I just hope that sooner, she'll find a boyfriend and start a family before I leave her again on her own. I'm the only person keeping her sanity and making sure she doesn't live in the hospital. Sometimes I wonder why she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's pretty, smart, hardworking and I'm sure she's very friendly and kind. What's not to like?
I went to the fridge as I am suddenly thirsty. I am trying to stop thinking about Blake and what happened tonight or else I'd go crazy. Thinking of Aunt Amy seem to be very effective as diversion. Maybe it will be nice to set her up on a date. She's not getting any younger and what's the harm in that?
I drink some ice-cold water from the fridge as the phone rings.
I ran to the kitchen and pull the receiver to my ear.
"Hello." I answer.
"Lana!!! Where have you been? I'm so bored and I have been calling you every hour!" Tia screams into the phone. I pull it away from my ear.
"I just got home. I was out." I say not really giving details. I haven't figured out yet how to say or what to say to her when she asks again.
"Out where?? I have been calling for the sixth time tonight." She must not be seriously asking for this now.
"Just out. I'm suffocated inside the house so I went out for a walk." Knowing Tia, she will not believe a thing I'm saying now. She knows me too well and knows when I am saying something off. The disadvantages of having a best friend.
"Oh?" See??
"Yeah." I say and I don't know how to back that up. I can't think of anything to add. I am not totally lying, just not giving all of the information. I smile on the receiver. It's hard to not laugh when I'm hiding something from my best friend.
"Lana what is it? Where have you been? Really?" She says catching up.
"Tia. I will bore you more I promise. It's a very long story. It's confusing, it's nerve-wrecking. It's already passed. It's done and we can do nothing about it. So let it be." This is really frustrating. I am trying not to think of Blake but here goes Tia, forcing me to recount the events of the night.
"You sound like you are talking about History subject. You know how much I like history! Is Amy there?" She asks suddenly.
"No. She's still in the hospital working nights remember?" I answer confusingly.
"Okay. I'm coming over! See you in a few!" She hangs up and I am left transfixed on the kitchen counter. What a great way to end this f****d up day!
- Writer
