Remember Us

Chapter 1Sunday I couldn’t stop rubbing my knuckles; the winter cold always made the burning ache worse. I should walk home before it got dark outside. But I couldn’t bring myself to move. William was studiously ignoring us—he did every time Ann came to visit. It was like it got to be too much for him. It hurt her, of course, but there was nothing I could do about it. I understood why she didn’t see us very often anymore. She had a life of her own, and it was rough being ignored by your father. It didn’t matter that she was an adult; being forgotten was hard. Everything was hard nowadays. “Dad.” She reached out to stop my rubbing. Her almost-grey eyes were haunted, and the ever-present guilt crawled up my legs and into my core. If I could, I would’ve saved her from this, saved her from everything coming. I’d sworn the first time I’d held her in my arms nothing bad would ever touch her, but I had no power over this—had no power over anything anymore. “Let me walk you to your room.” “No, it’s all right, love. I’ll stay a bit longer.” I smiled; we both knew it was fake, but it was custom. “He doesn’t even know you’re here.” She let go of my hand and bit her lip. Her eyes turned glassy as she blinked a couple of times in rapid succession. “It doesn’t matter. I know I’m here.” William did, too. He just didn’t know who I was. She nodded and started to get up. I waited; I wasn’t off the hook yet. “It’ll be dark soon.” “I know.” She still didn’t leave, and I waited some more, then she grabbed her purse, stopped in the middle of the small room. With a deep breath, she neared the armchair by the TV where William was sitting. “Daddy?” No reaction. Ann waited, as did I—not for William to respond but for her to give up. It was the same thing every time. She tried to get him to acknowledge her, and he refused to. “Daddy, I’m leaving now. I’ll see you next week, okay?” William continued to watch the TV—an interview with some famous football player. He hated sports, but he kept staring at the screen as if it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen. For some reason, I found it funny. Ann’s shoulders slumped, and she glanced at me where I sat grinning. “Are you sure, Dad? I’d be happy to walk you home.” “I want to be with him.” I willed her to understand. It was too much to ask, I knew it was, but I couldn’t leave him. What would I do in an empty flat? It wasn’t home. I only bought it to have somewhere close by to sleep after William had moved here. Ann and I had sold our house. She had taken care of most of it, but I’d helped out as much as I could. It was just a building, but it was where William and I had lived our lives, where we’d raised our family, where we’d loved, fought, laughed. It became more than a house; it became a home. The flat wasn’t my home. Nowhere without William would ever be my home. “Even when he doesn’t know you’re you?” She sighed. “Maybe you’ll understand one day.” I prayed she never would. For her to understand, she’d have to end up in a similar situation, and I hoped she wouldn’t. “I understand, Dad. I do, but can’t you let me take you to your place? It’s one day, you’ll be home early, you can watch something on TV and rest. He’ll still be here tomorrow.” I smiled, though a bit forced this time. TV on my own was tedious. I’d watch something and wait for William to comment, but when the comment didn’t come, the loneliness became more evident than ever—I’d rather pretend to watch sports with him. “You can’t know for certain he’ll be here or that I’ll be. I want to spend as much time with him as I can. I’ll rest when it’s over.” I swallowed around the lump starting to form in my throat. An urgency I’d never experienced before tore at me. I wanted to get as much as I possibly could out of the time we had left. Leaving this Earth before William wasn’t an option. I could never abandon him in this place—this place that wasn’t our home but where he had to stay. It didn’t matter that he had lost his anchor in this world. It didn’t matter. I’d fought long and hard to convince William I was the one for him; I’d promised we would stick together no matter what. I wouldn’t betray my promise for something as trivial as a glitch in memory. William hadn’t forgotten me; he just didn’t realise I was now an old man. Ann shook her head and bent down to kiss my cheek. “I love you, Dad.” “And I you, Princess.” She put on her jacket and walked towards the door. A few grey hairs mixed with the dark, her eyes were tired, and her motions had lost the fluidity of a young woman. She was still my little girl, though. Would always be. I got up and moved to sit in the empty armchair next to William. “Did she leave?” “Yeah, she’ll be back next week.” “I don’t get why they let her in. I mean, what is this place where they let confused women walk around without anyone looking after them?” William turned to look at me, his brown eyes sparkling, and I couldn’t stop the way my heart did a double beat. “And what about you? Are you some old man who’s escaped from a nursing home, too?” “Yes.” I grinned at him. “Yes, I am.” “Cool, man. When I get old, I’m gonna run, too. Never let them trap you, I say. The moment you let them fetter you to a bed your life is over.” Pain stabbed at my heart, but I kept my smile in place and nodded. William had always feared nursing homes. When the signs had started to show, I’d vowed to myself, and him, that I never would put him in one, but things spiralled out of my control. William would hate me if he realised what I’d done. “Hey, do you want to get out of here?” William nodded towards the door. “I know a place where they make great burgers. My husband takes me there when he wants something. He thinks I never notice him buttering me up before asking.” William laughed. “Maybe we can ask him to come if he isn’t too busy working. He could use a break, always trying too hard.” I wet my lips and nodded. “Maybe in a little while. Can we watch some TV first?” He shrugged and started zapping through the channels.