The Icicles: A Christmas Wedding

Chapter 1: Vulgarities and AtrocitiesDecember 23. Wednesday You are joyfully invited to celebrate the marriage of Jonah Mitchell Icicle and Sandy Michael Keye on the twenty-fifth of December, two thousand twenty at half past four in the afternoon 120 Chapel Road—Cutter Church—Channing, Pa Reception to follow at The Golden Mongoose * * * * “The invite is f*****g pink…Fucking pink, Jonah!” Sandy snaps, complaining to his fiancé. The three-bond paper sits face-up on the kitchen table. A coffee ring stains one corner. “We both know it’s supposed to be gold lettering on white. What the f**k was Cookie Coke thinking?” Jonah Icicle’s fiancé just turned thirty-eight this year, and he’s never seen him so pissed. They’ve been lovers for over two years now and Sandy can’t wait to get married; neither can Jonah, if the truth needs to be told. Jesus, he is such a beautiful man, Jonah thinks, looking from the invitation to Sandy. Drop dead stunning. Blond hair with a close beard of the same hue. Fairy tale blue eyes. A Pumps Gym body. Handsome and mature are the understatements of the year to describe him. A total sweetheart for all the right reasons; one of the main reasons Jonah agreed to his proposal back in July during an Independence Day party. “Calm down. We just drove two hours from Pittsburgh. You’re tired from the trip. What’s done is done,” Jonah says, kisses Sandy on his neck, and swirls a palm on the center of his back, attempting to calm his nutcracker of the season down. “Were getting married the day after tomorrow. The guests have had the invites since the end of July.” In a panic, Sandy rattles off like a spastic cheerleader in high school, “We should call the wedding off! Let’s pack our bags and go back Pittsburgh! Home calls for us. It’s our safety. This is going to be a nightmare. We can go to the JP and get married. All of this is bullshit! Just bullshit!” They live together now in Sandy’s townhouse on Cantell Road in Rossner Township, south of Pittsburgh. The place is small, comfy for two, and affordable. Sandy still travels a lot, not that Jonah minds. His job lets him see and visit the coldest places on Earth as an environmental scientist. Sandy works for RIES, which is Rowan Independent Environment Studies. He knows everything about melting ice caps, climate change, and the depletion of the ozone layer. Recently, Jonah’s sold his Cape Cod to a young queer couple who are trying to adopt a Chinese baby. The money earned from the sale is going to the wedding: church, flowers, tuxes, cake, food, and all the intricate details that make up a grand few hours that the two of them will remember for the rest of their lives. Jonah calms Sandy down with more palm-swirling to his back. “Hush. We’re not going home. We’re here in Channing for the next few days. Our friends and families expect us to get married. Bottom line: we’re stuck. No matter how we look at it. Take a deep breath. Relax. Find some Zen. And remember that we’re in this together.” At thirty-nine, Jonah knows how to handle his lover and future husband in situations like this. Sometimes it takes a little bit of talk and a lot of soothing, but it gets the job done. Jonah wonders how Sandy struggles through these dramas when he works in the Arctic as Jonah flies all over the world and creates slice-of-life articles for an e-magazine called American Lives, Sandy is on his emotional own. Recent trips have taken Jonah to Median, Idaho to see/write about one of the world’s largest potatoes. Recently he’s traveled to Mexico City to visit a boy who can read one’s mind, and to Nova Scotia to a goat farm where a community believes they have seen the Virgin Mary. How exactly does Sandy handle breakdowns when Jonah (making a living and working his ass off) wanders the world doing his job? Jonah will never know or begin to understand. Pam, Jonah’s mother, enters the kitchen from the left, through the dining room. The eye-rolling matriarch of the Icicles loses her balance and almost falls to the floor. Thank God the doorframe between the kitchen and the dining room saves her from a tumble. She’s short, spry, and a wild woman. She’s vulgar, a hardcore Republican who loves Trump, his vulgar behavior, and finds his impeachment an atrocity. Pam will say anything that’s on her mind, uncensored. The woman is officious, invading, and she doesn’t have much couth. Her daughter, Willa, considers her venomous, and one who struggles with power issues. Power over Bill, her husband, power over Willa, her only daughter, and power over Jonah; the reason why he lives in Pittsburgh, two hours away, providing himself space from her unkind endeavors. Pam slurs, “Whuz go in ear?” Obviously she has had too much to drink already today. Mimosas for breakfast again. Wine before lunch. Pam likes to drink. No, Pam loves to drink, and has a problem drinking, but has never done anything about it. And nor has her family done anything about it, sending her to rehab. Looking up from the invitation, studying his future mother-in-law as she blocks the kitchen, Sandy asks Jonah, “What did she say?” Jonah translates, “She asked us what’s going on in here?” “It’s only noon. Is she drunk already?” “I’m afraid so. Stress of the holiday does this to her. She tends to drink more than usual.” Jonah releases his palm from Sandy’s back and decides to save Pam. “I’ll take her upstairs for a nap.” “I dun nap. No lush.” Jonah’s in no mood to get into an argument with her, or with Sandy. He says over his right shoulder to Sandy, “I’ll just be a few seconds. Make up some coffee. Add a splash of brandy in each. I think we both need a lift after seeing that the wrong invitations were mailed out to some of the guests.” Shaking his head, disgusted, Sandy says. “I thought your brother-in-law was kidding when he said some of the invites were pink. Bobo loves to joke around. He’s such a character all the time.” “Not this time. He was dead serious. We should have believed him.” “Wait until I get a hold of Cookie Coke. I’ll burn her at the stake for this. I’ll throttle her neck with both hands. We paid her thousands to plan this function. These invites are unacceptable the way they turned out. She’s going to get the wrath of me and—” Exiting the kitchen with Pam at his side, Jonah reminds Sandy over his right shoulder, “Coffee with brandy and cream, sweetheart,” and keeps walking.