THE DAZZLING SHADES OF WHITE (BOOK 3)

Chapter 3-At The Brink

"Shed?" I heard two fingers snap and my shoulder shook. I slightly flinched and slowly opened my eyes. I realized that Huria's body was still in my arms.

"You've been in here for the past five hours. The nurse says that she needs to take her body to prepare it for the funeral." he said and tried to take my baby girl from me. I squeezed her more closely to me and slapped his hand away.

"Shed; look I know how you feel," he said and sat on his knuckles beside me. "But the hospital needs to take her now." He beseeched but nothing was affecting me.

"Look what has become of you. You need to change, eat and rest for a little bit." He insisted.

"Can Khadijah eat or be with me?" I mumbled. Larry was silent. "How can I sleep or eat when the love of my life is suffering right now?" I said dryly and closed my eyes. "Just leave me be. I just want to be with my little girl right now." I beseeched and began rocking the chair again. Larry didn't persist and left.

I opened my eyes when I heard the door close. My hands and arms were stiff as I shifted Huria in them; they were cold as much as her small being. I tried to open her little hand with my index finger but her fist wouldn't open. It hurt me so much to see that there was no life in my precious child's body. How I wanted to have her hold my finger like the first time she did when I saw her.

Her eyes were so much like Sophia's to me—but the rest was all Khadijah.

I glanced at my wrist watch; it was six a.m. in the morning.

I placed Huria back in her crib as I stared at her face. My eyes welled up as I removed a small portion of her head cap and I bent down to kiss her forehead while my tears fell on her cap.

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I splashed my face with water and wiped my hands with a paper towel which got covered with orange and red tinges—I then realized that my hands, the right side of my face and most of my white shirt under my black coat was covered in blood. The scenes of  the accident replayed in my head as I stared at myself in the mirror.

What's wrong Shehzad?

I saw my conscience mask itself into my mirror reflection while my eyes stared blankly. I thought I had killed my conscience. How was it alive?

Didn't you want her gone? Didn't you always want her out of your life?

He accused me.

You did this to her; you brought this on yourself.

Did I really bring this on myself?

Can you really live with this guilt?

What will you do when she wakes up? What will you do if she doesn't remember you? Will you happy? Because you know that now losing her daughter, she will fall into despair forever.

Oh Khadijah.

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"Shed," Courtney touched my shoulder.

"It's time. Your grandfather is calling you." She said ad left. I mustered my strength and got to my feet. The male members of the Atish household were bent to carry the Mai'yet. I also bent down to carry the front of the coffin.

At the moment when her small body was being taken out of the coffin, I took it from the Chairman's hands and laid my daughter's corpse, which was covered in a white cloth, to the bare ground so deep in the earth; when I got out, I took a shovel and began covering the grave with dirt; my mind burning the images as dirt and mud crumbled on the white cloth of the kafen. 

I didn't even get to taste the joys of fatherhood. Who should I blame?

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"Shed?!"

I winced and my eyes opened; my eye lashes wiped against the cold hard floor.

"Shed?!"

I sighed and tried to sit upright. I groaned; my head was aching so hard that I felt it might explode.  Wow what a tremendous hangover.

"There you are." Larry exclaimed and walked towards me. I looked around myself and couldn't find even a single bottle that could provide me with some liquor.

"What the hell have you done to yourself, man?" he shouted and kicked the glass bottles and beer cans from in front of me. I rolled my eyes, my head was already throbbing and hi consistent nagging wasn't helping either. I leaned on my knee but fell as I tried to up—I tried again and leaned against the wall but Larry beat me to it and gripped my arm strongly.

"Shed? Look at me." He said and slapped my face slowly. I breathed deeply.

"You wreak man. Come on," he said and dragged to the bathroom. He pushed me into the shower chamber and started the cold shower on me. My senses kicked in and I became completely conscious—the hangover subsiding.

"Oh," I screamed and kicked the door of the shower chamber.

"What the f**k man?" I shouted and took off my shirt. "Have you come to?" he enquired.

"What do you think?" I hissed and threw the shirt forefully away.

"I think that you have lost your f*****g mind!" he said loudly. I narrowed my eyes and exited the bathroom and he followed suit.

"What do you want?" I asked and took a dry towel from my closet.

"I want you to get a grip of yourself. It's been a weak since the accident and you haven't visited the hospital or the office." He said. I wore a passive expression on my face as I looked for a clean shirt in the closet.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Yeah," I exclaimed in a low voice.

"Look shed, I know that things haven't been great; I seriously think that you should stop drowning yourself in alcohol and just accept what has happened. Huria is dead and your wife is in a coma from which she could wake up at any moment and if you're not there? What will happen then?"

"I know that you are scared to see her in the state that she s in right now but she needs you more than ever right now." He gushed. "Now is not the time to hole yourself up. I know that it's hard for you but . . . ,"

"Do you?" I cut in.

"Excuse me?" he frowned.

"Do you know how I feel?"  said maliciously and glared at him. "You have no f*****g idea how I feel right now." I leered.

"Shed I know . .,"

"No you don't!" I snapped. "You don't a clue as to how I feel!" I shouted. "So don't say that you do." I clenched my jaw and tried to control myself but I just couldn't anymore.

It hurt so much. Why did it hurt so much? It wasn't like this the first time but why is it like this now?

Why does my heart hurt so much? Why? Was this genuine love that was feeling? Was this love the reason that I was crumbling from the inside?

"I just-I jus want you to leave me alone." I said in a low voice and feel on my knees. Larry didn't say anything further.

"Okay I'm leaving for now; but please see Khadijah tonight." He said and patted my shoulder. "I'm here for you bro, in case if you want to talk." He said and left.

I breathed deeply. I was incapable of thinking anything else.

When evening approached, I made my way to the hospital. They had shifted Khadijah to a room in the coma ward.

I had bought some flowers. When I entered her room, she looked the same. My heart almost skipped a beat—my eyes wouldn't hold the moisture.

"Hey Khadijah." I said a dense voice and placed the flowers on her bed side. I sat on the chair that was next to her side and carefully took her hand that was in a cast; I caressed her fingers and bought them to my lips.

"How are you today beautiful?" I asked as the tears flowed and I just couldn't hold it in any longer; I cried.

I cried so hard.

Its funny; the last time I cried was when I was all alone in the cold streets of New York, hungry, starving and homeless.

I never thought I would cry again especially after a woman ever again. I had sworn that I would never fall in love again after Cassie died so I build walls around myself and shut off my heart for good. I wanted to protect myself from ever getting hurt again. I thought that I would be just fine living like a cold calculating machine and fixed my mind on my main goals concerning my revenge against my father, my mother and my relatives. I wanted to hurt those people who had hurt me the most and it was that hate that allowed me to keep moving forward.

I didn't want to get to the point where I would be left standing at a precipice once again. I was fine that way-no emotion ruled me for so long. My walls became stronger with every passing day and the darkness around me only grew but . . . . each and every one of those walls broke down when you entered my life.

I looked at her face; that same darling face with which she masked her modesty. Khadijah, you never lost hope in me.

I tried my best to not fall fr you but you won.

Now when I am all yours and I offered my heart to you in a silver plater, you ended up like this.

Why is it that the people whom I care about always end up either hurt or dead?

First Cassandra, then Sophia and then my precious daughter and are you next? Khadijah, could you also meet the same fate?

Why is fate so cruel towards me? And who wrote that fate? God?

Is God to be blames for everything that has happened to me so far?

Yes . . . . God; you merciless being. How much more would you make me suffer; first you take away my childhood, then my love and now my reason for living?

If You keep treating me like this then I can never make any peace with You or myself.

I gazed at Khadijah's face.

"You always told me that whenever I was in trouble, I should ask God for help." I stated and scoffed sarcastically. "But why should i? why should I even ask the One who is responsible for every misery that I have endure so far, Khadijah?"

"But . . . . I just can't Khadijah. I quit." I said and let go of her hand as I got to my feet.

"Khadijah, I don't know if you can hear me or not," I said as I watched her. "But I want yu to know that what I am about to do is the most certain way to secure you for good. The world will probably be a better place without Shehzad Atish."

"I don't know what the future holds; but," I paused and cupped her face in my hands and brought my lips to hers as I brushed mine on her.

"You probably won't remember me; it would be better that way; you can forget everything and start afresh. Good bye, I love you." I mumbled and kissed her softly.

My heart was thumping loudly as I climbed the stairs that lead to the roof.

I just didn't care anymore. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions—love, hate, sorrow, grief, anguish, pain and tormenting misery.

As I made it to the roof, I climbed to the railing and stared down. The ground was far. My vision blurred.

I was at the brink of despair that all of a sudden, I stopped feeling and my heart went numb.

Are you really sure about this?

A voice at the back of my head asked.

Of course I was;  I didn't believe in a hell except for a personal one in which I had probably spent all of my life and now I just wanted it to stop.

I wanted to stop living this shitty life that offered me nothing but torment and sadness. My spirit was finally broken.

What about Khadijah? If she remembers you and finds out what happened to you and Huria, do you think that she would be happy? Who would be there to support her? who would be there to offer her help because this time, she will be completely lost. Don't you think that this time, it's your turn to save her?

But who can save me right now?

Stop being so selfish for once in your life and think of someone else besides yourself. This is a challenge of your love and at the first test of honor, you are backing out. Do you really think that suicide is the answer to all your problem? Did think even for one second how this could affect Khadijah? No you didn't because you are a f*****g coward. Instead of facing your problems, you're running away again. Didn't you always pride yourself in solving difficult problems? Stop being a coward for once and just cling to a simple hope that maybe things might turn out alright in the end. Stop wallowing in self-pity. If you really love Khadijah, then live for her.

I wanted to listen to the voice. The noise of the vehicles down there and the cold winds urged me. It was almost that I just wanted someone to push me so that I could satisfy my ego that I am not trying t kill myself; I was simply killed.

Do you want to die so badly? Then go ahead.

Yes I do. I gripped the railing more tightly as I breathed deeply.

"Okay," I murmured to myself, I was afraid but at least, from tonight onwards, maybe I can find some peace in death.

"Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar!"

What was that? I gasped as I almost released myself.

"Ash-hadu an-laa ilaaha illa Allah, Ash-hadu an-laa ilaaha illa Allah !"

What is that beautiful song ringing in the air? It was so beautiful that it touched my heart. I didn't know what it meant but, it sounded so familiar; like it was something that my soul knew and wanted it for so long and now it had gotten it. I could swear that I never heard this before in my life but why is it so familiar to my ears?

"Ash-hadu anna Mohammadan-rasul ullah, Ash-hadu anna Mohammadan-rasul ullah!"

"Hayya 'ala s-salat, Hayya 'ala s-salat!"

"Hayya 'ala l-falah, Hayya 'ala l-falah!"

"Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar!"

"Laa ilaha illa-Allah, laa ilaha illa-Allah!"

That was the first time I ever heard such a beautiful calling—for the first time in my life, I felt, at peace; I got the peace that I had been searching for all this time. It felt like that my soul that had been on fire for so long was finally being to go out.

Do you still want to kill yourself? Is this not the peace that you feel right now which you hope for in death?

Yes, I want that peace. I want to hear that song again. Where did it come from? From the north?

I got back to the safe side and followed the direction from where the song had come from. I must listen to it again; maybe, it can give me the answers that I seek and I could find something that mey help me out of this hell.

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