Soldiers in Love

Chapter 4: War is Hell-2

We lay together, sweaty, spent and sated for the moment. He held me close to his side as our breathing slowly returned to normal. I snuggled against him and he pulled the sheets over our bodies.

“You’re incredible,” he whispered. “It’s never been this way for me before.”

I grinned. “You’re welcome,” I said lightly. “You’re not so bad yourself, Sergeant.”

He chuckled softly. “Thanks. I think.”

We stayed quiet for a while, just enjoying each other’s company. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of him, warm and relaxed against me. I started to drift off when his cell phone rang.

“No, leave it,” I mumbled sleepily as he rolled over to answer it. “It’s not important.”

He extricated himself from my arms. “I have to. I’ll be right back.”

I rolled onto my back, pulling the sheets up over my breasts as I listened to his side of the conversation. He seemed to be doing most of the listening and I figured it wasn’t Tony or Joey wanting him to come into work. That would have been a really short conversation.

“Are you sure?” I heard him ask. He stayed quiet for a moment. “Okay. Well thanks. Keep me informed if anything changes. I’ll head there tomorrow.”

Seconds later, he was back in bed with me, holding me close again. I lay my head against his shoulder. “Is everything alright?”

“What?”

“Is everything alright? You know, your phone call? It sounded pretty serious.”

He ran his fingers up and down my arm. “Yes. Everything is fine.”

I leaned back to look at him. “Are you a spy or something?”

He chuckled again. “No. I’m no spy. That was the detective I hired. My ex-wife claims she moved out of state with my son and wouldn’t tell me where they are. My sources say that they are here in town. That they’d never left.”

“They? You mean her and your son?”

“Her and her new husband.”

This sounded like some daytime talk show drama, the kind that Quanna and Flo liked to watch in the mornings when it was slow. They would take bets on the paternity tests and lie detector tests. I’d always thought that it was dumb to be in situations like that and come on TV and air your business. But Daniel wasn’t on a talk show. This was real for him. This was his life.

“Do you think you will find him?”

“I’m going to try.”

“Well if you need back-up, let me know. I’ll go with you.”

Daniel kissed the top of my head. “Thanks. I just might take you up on that offer.”

After a while, we got up and ate a leisurely dinner. He seemed more at ease here, I reckon because we were in his domain. I waited for him to throw me out after we’d eaten. So I was surprised when he asked me if I’d like to stay the night with him.

“Only if you want to,” he said quickly.

“What about you?” I asked. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re being put out.”

He shook his head. “No. I want you here. Stay the night with me?”

I gave in. Hell, he didn’t really have to twist my arm. I wanted to spend the night with him, sleep in his arms. Wake up beside him. I hoped he felt the same way and wasn’t just offering because we were at his place.

But I decided not to worry about it as we snuggled together watching TV. How good it felt to spend time with someone who wanted to spend time with you. I let my hand drift down his chest lower still until I could touch him. Even at rest, he was a nice handful and I decided to give him the same attention that he’d given me. I believed that one good turn deserves another and I wanted him to feel as good as he’d made me feel.

Daniel didn’t move as I stroked him gently. In fact, it seemed like he was holding his breath. I glanced at him.

“Do you want me to stop?” I asked concerned that he didn’t like what I was doing.

“No, don’t stop. It feels good,” he said quietly.

At first, I thought that my efforts were going to be for naught. He didn’t seem to be responsive to my touch. But right when my female ego was about to deflate, I felt him thicken a bit and then more until he was fully aroused. That brought me back to my earlier thought. Why did it take him so long to react to me?

The last few times we’d made love, we hadn’t done more than kiss and he’d pleasured me. He hadn’t let me touch him and I’d noticed that he wasn’t aroused then at all. I’d never asked him about it. I figured that it was nerves on his part. Now I was beginning to wonder if it was me.

But I kept it to myself and let him weave a spell of passion over us. Late into the night, I fell asleep in his arms. I’d never felt so cherished as I did right then.

______

The next morning, I woke up before Daniel. I turned my head, watching him sleep. He lay on his back, his arm still around me. With his eyes closed, he seemed much younger, much more at peace. The lines around his eyes and mouth were relaxed and even his breathing was even and deep, not the agitated puffs that sometimes came from him.

He must have kicked the sheets off during the night because they were tangled about his legs, exposing his male parts to my gaze. Unlike his torso, his legs and belly seemed to be unscarred. He looked like any other normal man, perhaps a bit bigger than most but normal nonetheless.

Looking at him naked made my body react and I wanted him again. Gosh, we’d made love twice more before going to sleep. You’d think I’d have nothing left. But I did. And the desire hit me hard. I decided to wake him up to play. I leaned over him pressed my lips against his. He tensed and turned his head away. I didn’t give it another thought. I kissed my way down his chest, pausing to pay some attention to his tiny male n*****s as he’d done for me last night. The tiny buds tightened instantly under my touch and I moved lower. His abs were perfectly formed. I was pretty sure that while he was out on medical leave (the way he’d explained it to me), I was pretty sure that he wasn’t exercising the way he did in the Corp. But still. There wasn’t an ounce of excess fat on him anywhere. I traced each ridge of muscle on his six-pack with my fingers.

But the part of him that drew my attention, still rested nestled in the coarse hairs that were the same color as the hair on his head. I frowned a bit. When he touched me, my body came alive instantly. And besides that, it had been my experience that men were often aroused in the mornings. But Daniel wasn’t. I stroked him gently, trying to coax him into hardness. Nothing. Leaning over him, I drew him into my mouth. I wanted to please him. And yet for all my trying, he still remained flaccid.

I glanced up at his face, startled to see him staring back at me. I felt suddenly like I’d been doing something wrong and that I should apologize. “I just wanted to wake you up,” I said softly.

“And how’s that working for you?”

I blinked not understanding his anger. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to give you pleasure.” I let him go. “I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t like it. I do. It’s just that sometimes, it takes a while for me to respond.”

“You were fine last night,” I said.

“That was last night.” He pushed the covers aside and sat up, pulling on his underwear, telling me without saying it out loud that my advances weren’t welcomed. I drew back to my side of the bed.

“I didn’t mean to make you angry, Daniel. I only wanted to make love to you.” I pulled the sheets up over my naked body. It didn’t really matter. He wasn’t looking at me anyway. “You seemed eager enough last night. What changed? Are you upset that I stayed over? You invited me after all.”

He blew out a breath. “I just don’t like being touched while I sleep. That’s happened to me before and I hated it then. And I don’t like it now.”

“I understand, Daniel,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry. I won’t do again.”

Daniel stood and went around the wall to the bathroom. I heard the water running and the sound of him splashing water. I shoved the covers away and grabbed my underwear and bra. As I sat back down on the edge of the bed, I felt something digging into my skin. I reached under my thigh, trying to find the offending object. Whatever it was, it fell onto the floor at my feet and I picked it up. Now I might now have that much experience with men and all, but I’m no dummy. I held up the metallic wrapper. I knew very well what had been inside it. Shame and embarrassment flooded my body. Was I so bad that Daniel felt that he needed enhancement to sleep with me?

It definitely explained much. Like why those times at my place he’d never had i*********e with me or let me touch him intimately. Why he didn’t want to stay over at my place. He hadn’t had his pills. And it explained why he was so unstoppable last night and unresponsive this morning. The effects must have worn off. I finished getting dressed. I was leaving. After I got my explanation.

Daniel finally came out of the bathroom and pulled on his shorts and the long sleeved shirt he’d worn last night. He barely spared me a glance as he began to clean up the food trays from last night. I watched him, the hurt inside me making me angry.

“So we aren’t going to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” he asked not looking at me.

“This,” I said, holding up the empty pill wrapper.

Daniel froze, staring at me. “Where did you get that?” he asked in a strangled voice.

I shrugged. “You must have forgotten to throw it away before I got here yesterday evening,” I said. “It was in the bed sheets, poking me in the leg.”

He swallowed. “You weren’t supposed to find that,” he finally said, quietly.

“Well I did find it.”

“What do you want me to say, Regan?”

“You can tell me why you need these.” I tossed the empty wrapper on the bed. “Is this why you never want to stay over at my place? Why you got upset because I touched you this morning? Is it because you need these to make love to me?”

Daniel looked miserable. “Yes, yes, and yes,” answered quietly.

I felt as if he’d slapped me. “That explains why that day when we were kissing and you were holding me against you but I didn’t feel you.” I shook my head. “Do you know how that makes me feel? Knowing that the man I’m falling in love with needs a pill to be with me?”

“It’s not like that, Regan,” he said quickly. “It’s not you. It’s me. I know that sounds really cliché but it’s true.”

“Sure,” I said. My feelings were hurt and I didn’t want to listen to anymore. I just wanted to go home and lick my wounds. I grabbed my bag. “I’d better go. I’ve got to shower and change before work.”

“Regan, wait,” Daniel began. But I cut him off.

“I need to go, Daniel,” I answered. “Maybe we can talk later.” I couldn’t look at him. I’d made a fool of myself this morning, first by trying to arouse someone who didn’t want me in the first place, and second by letting it slip that I was falling in love with him. I had to get out of there before I made a bigger fool of myself. “See you at work.”

The last thing I saw as I left his studio was the sad look on his face. But I couldn’t feel bad for him right now. But I would later.

______

Daniel was already at work in the kitchen by the time I got there. Quanna was in rare form today, plying me with endless questions about how I’d spent my days off. I’d told her and Flo (though I didn’t have a reason to) that I had projects in a couple of my classes and needed to take some time off to get them done. Quanna gave me a playful look as if she didn’t quite believe me. I guess she assumed that Daniel and I were holed up somewhere. Nothing could be further from the truth.

But today, I just didn’t feel much like talking and gossiping. I just wanted to finish my shift so I could go home and pout. The gray bin was getting full so I picked it up and carried it into the kitchen.

Daniel glanced up as I came in and immediately came and took the heavy bin from my hands. I nodded my thanks and turned to go back out front. But he grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“Regan, wait.”

“What is it? I kind of need to get back out front.”

“Are you okay?”

I shrugged. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“We need to talk.”

I pointed to an empty gray bin. “You mind if I take that?”

He shook his head. “No. Go ahead. We’ll talk later.”

I walked out with the bin, proud of myself for keeping it together. I could tell that he was just as miserable as I was. And I wanted to work it out. I really did. Because I hadn’t been lying to him when I said that I was falling in love with him. I was. I reckon we all have our own crosses to bear and some were larger than others. I’d listen to him, give him a chance to explain.

Not now though. Later, when I wasn’t so angry.

______

I was working on my final project for my art class when someone knocked on the door. I knew it was Daniel. No one else really visited me. I didn’t want him to see the sketch yet as I wasn’t quite done. So I quickly covered it with the cloth and went to let him in.

Daniel looked up as I opened the door. He held a bouquet of roses in his arms. He offered them to me.

“A peace offering,” he said, holding them out. “I was hoping we could talk.”

I stepped back, letting him in. I closed the door and turned back to him. He once again held out the roses.

“Please take them,” he said softly. “I’m trying to apologize the only way I know how.”

I slowly took them. “Thank you,” I murmured. “They are lovely.” I gestured to the couch and went to put the flowers in water. When I came back, he was sitting, idly rubbing the discolored patches on his left hand. As I sat down, he instantly slid his hands into his jacket pocket.

He glanced at me. “I owe you an apology,” he began. “I guess, I guess I should have told you about my ‘problem’.”

I nodded. “Yeah. You probably should have. It does something to the ego to find out that your man is taking something so he can make love to you.”

Daniel smiled ruefully. “And it does something to your man’s ego to have to use them to make love to his woman. Still,” he sighed. “I should have said something and not led you on.” He looked over at me. “Out of all the things that are wrong with my body, I guess I was hoping that would go away when we made love. I guess I should have known that by now, it couldn’t be fixed with another woman.”

I looked at him closely. “You’ve experienced this with other women?”

He nodded. “Yes. And each time, they gave me the boot because I couldn’t perform. Then I wasn’t using the medicine my doctor gave me.”

“Why not?”

Daniel lifted a shoulder. “Pride, I guess. I was younger, macho. I foolishly believed that I was still the same man that I was before I was deployed. Before the accident.”

“So why now? Why with me?”

“Because I understand that I’m not that guy anymore. I won’t ever be him again. I’m a wounded, scarred up guy who has finally found someone beautiful and caring. Someone who looked past my messed up body to the man underneath. And I wanted to make love to you. So I took them and stupidly left the wrapper.

“So you would have gone on with your lie had I not found the wrapper?”

“I didn’t lie to you, Regan. I guess I just needed help pleasing you. I should have told you. And I’m sorry I didn’t. I want to move on with you.” He paused for a moment, debating if he should say what was on his mind. “I think I’m falling in love with you too. And I don’t want any more secrets or things between us.”

I reached over and took his hand. “I don’t either. I know there are things that you haven’t told me about your past. But I can wait until you’re ready to talk about it. Just don’t keep things bottled in too long or we’ll both suffer. And that’s not right.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “Are we okay?”

I slid closer to him and slid my arms around his neck. “We’re okay.” I hugged him close, savoring the feel of his arms around me. “Daniel?”

“Hmm?”

“Will it, will it go away? Will you be able to stop having to use the pills?”

Daniel sighed again. “Well my doctor seems to think so. He says that it’s probably due to stress and all the stuff we went through over there.”

“What can I do to help?”

His blue-green eyes misted a bit. “You already are,” he murmured. “You’re here.”

“And I’m not going anywhere.” I rested my head against his shoulder and we sat quietly for a while. Finally, I said softly to him, “I guess it’s true when they say that war is hell, huh Daniel?”

He gave me a squeeze and kissed the top of my head. “You have no idea, darlin’,” he whispered. “And the hardest part is living when you get back home.”

My poor soldier.