Soldiers in Love

Chapter 6: December 3-2

“I probably won’t get to see him again. Not with the restraining order in place. Oh, I almost forgot.” He pulled something out of his jacket pocket. I edged closer. It was the pictures that I’d had printed for him.

“I wish you could see him Dab. Here he is.” Daniel held the picture in front of the picture on the headstone. “My lady made them for me. She’s a sweet girl. You’d like her. She’s funny and sweet. She’s an art student.” He looked at the picture in his hand. “But she’s not talking to me right now. I’ve made her mad. I’m just so messed up inside and out. You wouldn’t recognize me, Dab. I got burned pretty badly. My girl’s name is Regan. She said that she loved me and I messed it up. She doesn’t care about my scars and stuff. I do. I hate them. I wish I could just shake it all off and live like a normal guy. But I can’t. So I lost her.”

He looked off into the distance for a moment. His voice sounded strained when he started talking again. “I told her that I wanted to talk. I was hoping that we could make up. I got off before her and I went home. I had planned on making dinner and trying to work things out with her. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that she’s probably much better off without me. I didn’t have the guts to call her. So I hit the bottle. She was upset when she came over. I don’t blame her. I miss her. I want to tell her everything. I think that if I do, I’ll feel better and she can decide if she wants to stay or go.”

I felt sad listening to him. It stung a little that he felt more comfortable telling things to a dead man who couldn’t hear him than to me. He sat with his head down. His shoulders sagged and I felt bad for him. He needed comfort. I stood up, moving around the other stones so that he wouldn’t know that I’d been there the whole time.

Daniel looked up at the sound of rustling leaves. His eyes widened when he saw me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, standing.

I decided to give him a partial truth. “I was in the art store getting supplies and I saw you walk by. I followed you. I thought you were going to go somewhere else. I didn’t know you were coming here.” I looked around, feeling a bit creeped out being surrounded by headstones. “Why are you here?”

He shrugged. “I come here every year on December 3 to visit a friend.” He ran a hand over the headstone. “Meet Jimmy Dabman. Dab for short. He was one of the members of my platoon. Dab, my lady, Regan.”

I reached out and trailed my finger across the picture. “Was he one of the two men who died in the tank explosion?” I asked softly, knowing the answer even as I asked.

Daniel nodded. “Yes. Him and Salvador Fuentes. We called him Sal. I come here every year on this date, rain or shine to visit Dab’s grave. Sal’s parents had his body taken back to California where he was from. So I come see Dab. And apologize for not getting him out of the tank in time.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Daniel. You tried. Don’t persecute yourself over something that was beyond your control.”

“Tell that to their parents.” He pulled his dog tags free of his shirt. “I sort of told you half of the truth. When they died, their parents didn’t give me these. I took them. I needed something of them. We were close, like brothers. I guess that happens when you go to war in a cramped space. They were good men and good soldiers.”

“Tell me,” I said quietly. “You’ll feel better if you get it off your chest.” I reached for his hand. “I’ll listen. And I won’t judge.”

He sat down in the grass again and I sank to my knees beside him. We sat there a few minutes, not speaking. He was remembering and I was waiting

“I am a tank operator. All I know is how to drive one, use one and fix one. That’s it. I’m also an instructor. This particular day, we were running drills. There had been a few skirmishes and we were preparing ourselves to be sent out. For December, it was warm. I remember that it was me, Dab, Sal, Chris and Billy. Driving a tank is no easy job. But we were good together.

After about two hours or so of maneuvers, we were coming back in. That’s when Chris smelled something burning. All of a sudden, warning lights and alarms were going crazy. I still don’t know what caused the thing to catch on fire.” He paused and I knew he was reliving every single minute again. “It spread so fast,” he whispered. “Chris made it out and then me. We pulled Billy out. Sal and Dab hadn’t come out yet. I told Chris and Billy that I was going to get them. I dropped back in. Smoke was everywhere. Tanks aren’t that big and it was hard to see and breathe. I tripped over Dab or maybe it was Sal? I don’t know. But I fell and burned my hand and arm. I had to push the pain aside and I grabbed him by the jacket and drug him to the opening.” He broke off again, looking at me. “I never realized how heavy a man can be. I tried to get him up the ladder but he was unconscious and heavy. Plus with my own injuries, it was hard.”

I reached over to cover his hand with mine. I expected him to pull away but he didn’t. Instead, he squeezed my hand.

“I could hear Chris or maybe Billy screaming for me to come out, that the tank was gonna blow. But I couldn’t leave my men behind. I got Dab to the ladder and halfway out. They pulled him the rest of the way. I went back for Sal. I don’t know where I found the strength from but I managed to get him out. The inside was so hot and smoky. I couldn’t see or breathe. But I pushed Sal up the ladder. The metal was burning my skin.” He glanced at me. “I looked back behind me. Flames were everywhere, making the equipment shoot sparks. I remember thinking that this must be what hell looks like. And I didn’t want to be there. I guess that’s what gave me the strength to get Sal out and then myself. That’s the last thing I remember. When I woke up, I was in a hospital hooked to monitors and tubes.”

I squeezed his hand to remind him I was still there with him. “What happened to them?”

“Dab died from severe burns and smoke inhalation. They told me later that he was dead when I got him up the ladder. Sal died from his wounds in the hospital. He’d been burned almost beyond recognition. I haven’t spoken to Sal’s family since the day of his funeral. I see Dab’s mom and dad when they come to visit his grave. I’ve tried to apologize but they hate me.”

“We don’t hate you, son.”

Both Daniel and I jumped. We hadn’t heard anyone approaching. We stood, turning to face an older couple. The woman clutched a small bouquet of flowers in her hands. She looked kind enough. I knew she was the fallen soldier’s mother. He had looked just like her.

The man was taller, slim with wild graying hair. They watched us and I noticed Daniel watching them warily, not sure what to expect from them.

“We don’t hate you,” the man repeated. “It is hard for any parent to lose their child. Children are supposed to outlive their parents, carry on the family.” He broke off, his voice choking with emotion. “He won’t do that. He’s gone. But we are proud of him. He was a true soldier. He died in the service of his country.”

The woman knelt to put the flowers in the little vase at the base of the headstone. She gently touched the picture of her son, tears spilling down her cheeks. Her pain was just as great now as it had been the day she got the call. I felt bad for her.

She started to get up but was unsteady and stumbled. Daniel grabbed her arm, helping her right herself and stand. From what Daniel had told me about her, I thought she might pull away from him or slap him. But she did neither. To all of our surprise, she wrapped her arms around his neck. Daniel’s eyes filled with tears as the woman hugged him, burying her face in his shirt front, crying. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Dabman,” he whispered. “I know it won’t bring him back.”

The woman drew back, looking up at Daniel. “There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and miss him. I hope you never know what it feels like to lose your child.”

A muscle began to tick in Daniel’s jaw. He did know what that felt like. But he didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t diminish her pain by comparing it to his. At least his son was still alive. And though he wasn’t allowed to see him, he wasn’t buried six feet in the ground. He could see him, touch him. Hug him. If they’d let him.

After a while, the tears stopped and she stepped back from Daniel’s embrace. She looked up at him. “I want to thank you, Sergeant for what you did for our boy.”

Daniel’s face hardened as he looked down at her. He wasn’t sure how to take her words. Was she still harboring the old bitterness against him or had she finally forgiven whatever there was to forgive?

“I’m not really sure what you mean, ma’am,” he said quietly.

She smiled kindly at him, tears filling her eyes once more. “I’ve been mad at you for so long,” she whispered. “I’ve been blaming you for something that was out of your control. You didn’t tell Dab to sign up. Nor did you force him into the tank. He knew when he joined the Marines what the risks were. He did his duty the same as you. And in all the mad and accusations, I never said thank you for trying to save his life. ”She gestured to where we’d been sitting and talking just prior to their arrival. “I heard what you told your lady. Now my heart can be at peace. He didn’t suffer.”

Daniel shook his head. “No ma’am. He didn’t.”

Gently, she reached up and gently touched his neck where it was discolored then took his left hand in hers. “But you did, didn’t you?”

Daniel tensed but didn’t pull away from her grasp which was huge for him. “I’m alright, ma’am.”

“It must have hurt you terribly.”

“It did. But that wasn’t important at the time.”

She nodded. “Saving our boy was.” She brought his scarred hand to her lips and kissed it. “I hate this war business,” she whispered. “I hate it.”

“We all do, ma’am.”

The woman smiled up at him. “Next year? Same time? Same place?”

Daniel smiled down at the women. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good.”

As she started to walk away, Daniel called out, “Wait!” He jogged over to the couple. “I think you should have this,” he said. He pulled the set of dog tags that he wore from around his neck and separated one from the rest. Cupping the woman’s hand, he dropped her son’s tag into her waiting palm. “Seeing you today has given me peace and I can finally let this go,” he said softly.

Closing her hand around the metal, the lady leaned up and kissed Daniel on the cheek. “Thank you,” she murmured. “Good-bye now.”

After they were gone, Daniel went back over to his friend’s grave. Kneeling, he ran his fingertips over the picture on the stone. “I think it’s going to be alright now, Dab. Your mom and I made peace. I’m glad. Now there are some other things that I have to take care of. I’ll see you later. Same time. Same place.” He stood and adjusted the small American flags mounted on brackets on either side of the picture. He stood at attention, then saluted his fallen comrade. As he stood there, a light breeze blew through the cemetery, swirling the dried leaves around Daniel’s ankles. He dropped his hand, lifting his face into the wind. “I hear you, buddy,” he said into the air.

I watched him, happy now that he seemed less tense. It was great that he’d made up with the family. But we, he and I, were still in confusion. He turned and walked over to where I stood waiting.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yes. These places give me the willies.”

“Me too. But I feel like I owe it to him to come here and visit.” He reached for my hand, but I pulled back. Daniel looked at me quizzically. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

I felt like a total jerk for what I was about to say to him but it needed to be said. “You pretty much told me to get lost, remember?”

“But you said you followed me here/ I thought-”

“I followed you because,” I broke off. Might as well tell him the truth. He didn’t want to be with me but that didn’t stop me from worrying about him. Or loving him. “I followed you because I was worried about you. We’d agreed to meet to talk. I waited and waited. You didn’t show up. So imagine my surprise when I get to your place to find you drunk as a fish and meaner than a cornered rattlesnake.”

“What?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were ok and to find out why you stood me up. You told me you didn’t want to see me again, that we shouldn’t see each other anymore, among other things.” I shrugged. “It’s been weeks since we’ve spoken, Daniel.”

He stared at me as if I were speaking another language. “I said that?” He rubbed at his hair. “I don’t remember even seeing you.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “You don’t remember seeing me? Are you taking drugs too on top of the prescriptions?”

Daniel shook his head. “I don’t take drugs.”

“Well you were high on something.” I started walking again and he caught me by the shoulder.

“I know I didn’t take anything other than what I was supposed to. I’m sorry, Regan. I honestly don’t remember saying that.” He moves to stand in front of me. “I do remember asking you to go somewhere so we can talk. We have to make this work.”

“You’re the one that called us quits,” I said.

His eyes pleaded with me to give him a chance. “Please? Can we just sit down and talk? I will tell you what you want to know.”

I gave in with a sigh. I wanted to work it out. I loved him so much and wanted to be with him. “Fine. We can talk.” I rubbed my arms briskly, looking around at all the stone marked graves. “Can we not do it here?”

“You tell me where. And I’ll be there. I promise.”

“Your place. That way I can leave if I don’t like what you say.”

That same muscle jumped in his jaw and I knew that I’d hurt him. He nodded slowly. “Ok, Regan. It’s your call.”

My heart felt colder than one of these tombstones as we walked out of the cemetery together. I just wanted us to be the way we were before. Somehow we’d fix it. There had to be a way.