Soldiers in Love

Chapter 5: Donovan-5

He played with Donovan for a while before Rosa’s nerves got the best of her and she went over to where they played in the sandbox.

“I must take him home,” she told Daniel.

Daniel nodded. “Yes ma’am.”

I knew that he wanted to argue, to ask for five more minutes. But I knew that he knew very well what risk those five more minutes held. Blowing out a heavy sigh, he stood and scooped Donovan up, brushing sand from his clothes. He brushed his right hand over the child’s smooth cheek. I knew that he was savoring the feel of his skin, storing it away from the times when he wouldn’t be there.

Rosa looked around again, her face worried. She also stayed close to Daniel as if she still thought he’d make a run for it with the boy. He wouldn’t. I was fairly certain of it. “Please,” she said again.

Daniel lifted the child in his arms until their faces were in line with each other’s. “Good-bye son,” he whispered. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. You probably won’t remember today but I’ll never forget it.”

Donovan c****d his head to one side, a gesture that I’d seen Daniel do many times. His tiny face was serious as he regarded his father. It was as if he too were committing to memory Daniel’s features. I took another picture. Daniel leaned forward and kissed the child.

Suddenly, Donovan placed his small hands on Daniel’s cheeks and kissed his father with a wet smack on the mouth. I was able to catch that picture. But what happened next made me love him even as I hated his mom.

With his hands still on Daniel’s cheeks, Donovan rested his little forehead against his dad’s. They stared at each other, father and son.

“I love you, Donovan,” Daniel whispered, his voice cracking with emotion.

“Da-da,” the baby said softly.

Daniel hugged the baby close for a moment longer before settling him into the stroller. He watched for a second, then backed away.

He turned to Rosa. “Gracias señora. Nunca voy a olvidar ese dia.” Thank you ma’am. I’ll never forget today.

She smiled, tears shining in her eyes. “Ni yo podré olvidar tan bella persona como tú, joven Daniel. Lo siento de esta passando por esta situaciòn. El quie sufre el bebe Donovan. Y tu.” And I won’t forget so beautiful a person as you, young Daniel. I’m sorry that you are in this situation. The one who suffers is baby Donovan. And you. She reached out and took Daniel’s hand. They smiled at each other and she hugged him, kissing him on the cheek. She looked over at me. “Take care of him,” she said to me. “A heart like his is worth much.”

I nodded. “Yes ma’am. Thank you for giving him the chance to see his son.”

She smiled. “I must go. Adios.”

“Good-bye Ms. Rosa,” I said, with a final wave.

Daniel stood with his hands stuffed into his pockets, watching Rosa walk away with his son in his stroller. He watched until they were out of our sight. And still he stood there.

“Good-bye Rosa,” he whispered finally. “Good-bye my son.”

______

The drive back to his place was silent. There really wasn’t much to say that would matter. Nothing could erase the hurt he was feeling at losing his son. Again. I wish I knew something to say or do that would help. But I was at a loss.

I followed him upstairs to his apartment. Once inside, he shrugged out of his jacket and sat down on his bed with his head in his hands. I felt so bad for him. I wished I could get my hands on Debbie and her husband. But I couldn’t so there was no point in even entertaining that line of thought. Daniel needed me right now.

I sat down next to him on the bed and put an arm around his shoulders. “I’m sorry, babe,” I whispered. “There’s gotta be something-”

“There’s nothing we can do. It’s over.”

“But there has to be,” I said. “You can find a good lawyer. You can fight against the restraining order and get visitation to see Donovan when you want to. Or have it scheduled.”

“No.”

I blew out a sigh. I didn’t want to agitate him and add to his misery. But he was not thinking clearly right now. I softened my tone. “Maybe it’s best if you think about what to do later. Maybe tomorrow when your feelings aren’t so raw.”

“Leave me alone, Regan,” he whispered.

“Ok, Daniel. I’ll just sit here with you.”

For a moment, I thought he might be crying. But he wasn’t. He was angry. Past angry and it was directed at me.

“Get out,” he said, his voice tight and cold.

“What?”

He pushed away from me and stood. “I want to be left alone.”

“Daniel,” I said patiently, trying not to get angry and lash out at him. “Let’s talk. We can figure-”

“We won’t figure out anything. This doesn’t concern you. I don’t need your help. I don’t want it. I just want to be left alone.”

He strode over to the tiny fridge and opened the door. I stood quickly. “Daniel, wait. Drinking won’t help anything.”

The look he gave me could freeze water. He held up a bottle of water. I relaxed a bit until he went over to the night table and pulled a prescription bottle from the drawer. Panic set in again and I hurried over to take the bottle from him.

He twisted away from me. “What are you doing?” he shouted at me.

“What are those?” I asked him.

A humorless smile crossed his lips. “The thing that keeps me sane.”

“Maybe you should come home with me. You can rest. I’ve got to work on my project so I won’t bother you.”

Daniel’s lip curled. “I don’t need any damn babysitter, Regan. I’m not stupid enough to take more than the prescribed dose.”

“I’m sorry Daniel. I should have known better than to-”

For the first time, he looked at me. His eyes were sad, tired and lonely. I wanted to hold him, comfort him. But I knew that he wouldn’t welcome my advances right now. A sick feeling began in the pit of my stomach. Something was changing between us and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” he said quietly.

“What?” I asked feeling like he’d slapped me.

He swallowed hard as if it was hard for him to say the things that would break my heart. “I said I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“I don’t understand,” I whispered.

“It’s just not going to work between us. I’m too old for you and you deserve someone who will love you without all the baggage.”

“Daniel-”

“I’m not that guy, Regan! You watched my ex-wife throw a restraining order at me keeping me from my son.”

“We can fight it, Daniel.”

He shook his head wearily. “No. I’m not going to. She’s taken my name off of his birth certificate. I have nothing to stand on. I had my chance to see him and hold him. I think I might just leave town.”

“You can’t leave, Daniel.”

“What’s here for me now that he’s gone?”

“I’m here. I love you.”

“Right. Until I’m no use to you too.”

“That’s not fair, Daniel.”

He whirled on me. “And you think it’s fair that I am being blamed for not being there for my pregnant wife? Because I had to go overseas and do my duty? Do you think it was fair that the tank caught fire? And that I got burned so badly trying to save the four men under my command? That their mamas hate me for letting their sons die? Then I lay in that hospital bed hooked up to monitors and tubes for more than six months? That I come home to find out that my family has moved on? That they have a dammed restraining order against me to keep me from the one person that I love in this world? Tell me, Regan! What’s fair about that?”

“It’s not Daniel,” I whispered. “But we can-”

“We can’t. Please just leave.”

There was nothing left but leaving. I knew that he was only lashing out at me because he was hurting. But it hurt me nonetheless. I turned away and headed for the door. He opened it.

“Just do me a favor, Daniel,” I said softly, trying to keep myself from crying in front of him.

“What?”

I reached out but stopped just short of touching him. “Please don’t do anything stupid and hurt yourself. And remember that I do love you despite what you think. And I’ll be around when you’re ready to talk.”

He looked at me, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “I’ll be fine. I was okay before you and I’ll be okay when you’re gone.”

Damn he sure knew how to cut a girl down. I swallowed hard, gathering my pride around me and walked out of his apartment.