CHAPTER 4
1895 Words
CHAPTER 4
Madeline ran up to Lacy. “Daddy says I get to have an ice cream because we didn’t stay late enough at your house and you didn’t even give me any dessert.”
Lacy forced a smile. “That was awful nice of him.” She avoided Kurtis’s gaze.
“Daddy says now I have to be good and promise to sleep in until eight o’clock tomorrow.”
“Really? Well I bet a big girl like you can do something like that, can’t you?”
She puffed out her chest. “I slept until eight-thirty last Sunday. Daddy was mad because we were late for church, because he promised he would help me make pancakes, but I spilled …”
“All right, Munchkin,” Kurtis interrupted. “You take this ten dollars here and go tell Miss Cathy up at the counter what you want, ok? And be sure to bring back my change.”
Madeline’s eyes widened. “Can I get a big one this time?”
Kurtis frowned, but his eyes stayed soft. “You know the rules.”
Madeline sighed dramatically as she turned around and marched to the counter.
“Mind if I sit down?” Kurtis gestured to the seat. “Or if you’d rather be alone, I can …”
“No, go ahead.”
He slipped in the seat across from her.
“I was just …” She took a bite of sundae and didn’t bother finishing her thought.
“I’m sorry I left so abruptly.” His tone was so kind it plunged icy pangs of guilt into her heart. She should be the one apologizing to him. She regretted so many things. Stringing him on for a year and a half, making him believe she was available. Making him believe her heart still didn’t belong to a man who may or may not have been killed in a car crash. The past year and a half with Kurtis had been nothing but lies. She had told him the information Drisklay had spoon-fed her about her past life. That was all. He didn’t even know her real name.
“Don’t apologize.” She resisted the temptation to take hold of his hand which rested between them on the table. Old habits ...
He took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m sorry if I came across as too forceful. I was just … I was afraid of losing you.”
She watched his Adam’s apple while he swallowed.
“It’s just that after Renee died, I thought I’d never get over it. I thought I’d have to carry that pain around with me my entire life. And I was ok with that, because I had the munchkin. But then I met you, and I was laughing again, and smiling. Madeline told me a few weeks after we started dating that she liked you because you made me act like a good daddy.”
Lacy wanted to interrupt, but Kurtis held up his hand.
“You know I love you, Jo. I’ve already told you how I was going to propose to you at the salmon feed on the Fourth. But I know you’ve been through a lot, too. You were in a serious relationship, and you lost Raphael just like I lost Renee.”
Drisklay hadn’t concocted that part of Lacy’s backstory. After a few dates, she told Kurtis about a past boyfriend who was killed in a car accident. Looking back, she probably should have changed Raphael’s name, but it didn’t really matter. Not with someone like Kurtis. The most honest Lacy had ever been with him was when she was talking about Raphael. In a way, the two of them had mourned their lost loves together. The difference was Kurtis had healed.
Lacy hadn’t.
Madeline proudly carried her dessert to the table and glanced at her father, who didn’t react when she set down a large sundae. She gave Lacy a conspiratorial grin and dug in with her spoon.
“What I’m trying to say,” Kurtis continued, “is I’m willing be patient. Whatever it takes, however long you need, I’m willing to wait for you. I want to be with you. But I’ve been selfish, pushing things when you’re not ready. And I want to ask you to forgive me for that. Can we just rewind a few months, start off a little slower? I don’t want to scare you away. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me since …”
He glanced at his daughter and sighed, letting his words trail off.
Lacy stared at her melting sundae. What had she done to deserve kindness like this? And why couldn’t she reciprocate? Was it because of that remotest of possibilities Raphael was still alive? Even if he was, how could she possibly find him? How could she hope to randomly bump into one person out of hundreds of millions?
She knew what she should do. She should accept Kurtis’s proposal, or at least keep dating him until she felt ready to take that next step. But her entire identity was a lie. Until she truly learned to embrace her identity as Jo, until she let Lacy die, how could she take such a drastic plunge? It had been a mistake to ever date him in the first place. What if Raphael came back and …
“I’ll do it,” she blurted.
Kurtis furrowed his brows and looked at her as if she had a fever. “What do you mean?”
“I mean yes. The picture on your phone. Fourth of July. I’m saying yes.” She spoke cryptically because she knew Madeline was listening in on every word while she pretended to be absorbed in her ice cream treat.
Madeline’s eyes shot up and she looked from Lacy to her dad. “So you’re doing it? You’re really getting married?”
Lacy figured that with as crowded as the Brain Freeze was combined with how loudly Madeline shouted out the news, every local in Glennallen would hear by the end of the weekend.
Kurtis wrapped his arm around his daughter. “We’re having an adult conversation here, Munchkin. I’ll tell you all about it when I tuck you in tonight, ok?”
She pouted.
“If you’re really good, I’ll let you pick out a candy bar before we go, but you can’t eat it until tomorrow.”
Her eyes brightened, and she took another noisy slurp of sundae.
Lacy’s legs were trembling. Why did they keep it so cold in here?
Kurtis reached out and took her hand in his. “I appreciate that. I really do. And I hope one day you’ll let me put that ring on your finger and make things official. But right now, I think you just need time. And I’ve already promised you as much time as you need.” He leaned forward. “I want your whole heart. You know that. I’m not settling for half.”
Lacy’s lip quivered. “I don’t deserve you.”
Kurtis didn’t seem to hear. “I love you so much. You know that, don’t you?”
She nodded.
He glanced at the clock on the wall. “It’s getting late, Munchkin. We better go.”
“What about my candy bar?”
“On the way out.” He sighed and turned to Lacy. “Can I drive you home?”
She had lost her appetite. “Sure.” She forced a shaky smile. “Thanks.”
They didn’t speak on the drive back to Lacy’s apartment. It was an awkward two minutes, and Lacy kept trying to think of a way to break the silence. She replayed their conversation in her mind. Were they engaged? Had they broken up? Why were things so confusing? If she really was Jo, she would marry Kurtis in a heartbeat. He was an attentive boyfriend, a caring father, and he had raised a terrific kid. He was the perfect match for someone like Jo, a small-town daycare worker living a simple life in rural Alaska. No debt, no student loans, no real ambitions. That’s the life Jo was made for.
But as hard as she had tried to seize her new identity, Lacy still wasn’t Jo. Tonight of all nights, it seemed she never would be. She was an East Coast girl. A theater aficionado. All but engaged to an up-and-coming contemporary artist who loved her wildly. Passionately. With Raphael, she had felt exhilarated. Terrified. Excited. Overwhelmed, all at the same time by his zeal and ardor. Life with him was like sky-diving. One thrill after another, peaks of adrenaline, new adventures — spontaneous adventures — every day. She couldn’t even guess how many miles they had put on Raphael’s air-brushed Saab, driving from one art show to another. Life with Raphael was like the East Coast itself. Fast-paced. Vibrant. Colorful.
And Kurtis? With Kurtis, Lacy felt safe. Safer than she had ever felt in her entire life, actually. With Kurtis, she felt cherished and protected and adored. But there wasn’t much difference between feeling adored and feeling smothered.
Still, she should try. She should try to patch things up with Kurtis. There were worse fates than ending up with someone safe. Besides, if the Mafia ever did catch wind of where Drisklay had stashed her away out here in the middle of nowhere, it wouldn’t hurt to be married to a state trooper with a whole arsenal of guns in his personal collection.
Kurtis pulled up in front of Lacy’s apartment. “I’d walk you in, but it looks like the munchkin is about to fall asleep.”
“I’m not asleep,” Madeline protested through a yawn.
Kurtis passed his phone to the backseat. “Here, find the pictures of you and Grandma at Disneyland last year. Look through those while I say good-night to Miss Jo.”
Madeline didn’t protest, and Kurtis leaned toward Lacy. “You know I’ll always care for you, right?”
Why did he say it that way? Why didn’t he say he loved her like normal? She imagined responding that she loved him too, but the words caught in her throat.
“I’m gonna let you go now.” His voice was so quiet. What was he saying? Was he saying he was dropping her off for the night? Or was there more to it? More than Lacy was ready to admit right now?
He cupped her cheek with his hand and pulled her face closer. Slowly. Tenderly. As if they both had all the time in the world. His lips met hers a centimeter at a time. Warm. Soft. Just like his embrace. Strong. She sucked in her breath. She wanted to keep him here with her forever. What was wrong with feeling safe? Why had she ever complained about that? She pressed her hand against the back of his head right as he pulled away. His eyes bored into hers. An expression that spoke such tenderness, such bittersweet longing.
“Good-bye, Jo,” he whispered.
She opened the truck door, forbidding herself from crying. There would be time for that later. A hot bath, a long cry, and a full night’s sleep. She didn’t look behind when she heard Kurtis’s truck pull away. She knew when she went into the witness protection program her entire life would change, but she had no idea how heart-wrenching the process would be. Four years later, she was still a mess, still grieving Raphael, mourning her lost life. Still wishing she could be Lacy again.
She sighed as she entered her apartment. She never bothered locking her door. That was one Glennallen habit she had picked up right away. Drisklay would probably force her to sit through an hour-long rant if he knew, but this one small act of defiance encouraged her. A small trace of the carefree, rebellious Lacy still remained.
She didn’t see him sitting at the dining room table until she was only three feet away. She screamed.
“Lacy? It’s me.”
Blood drained from her face. She reached out for something to hold onto for balance.
“Raphael?”
- Writer
