CHAPTER 1
1915 Words
CHAPTER 1
“Dinner was fabulous.” Kurtis flashed that same boyish smile Lacy had grown so used to. “Just like you.”
Lacy’s lip trembled. She hoped he didn’t notice. She tried to meet his eyes. He deserved that much, at least.
“It was awful sweet of you to cook so much.” What Kurtis didn’t know was how long she had agonized over her recipe books. What kind of meal was appropriate for a night like this?
“Don’t mention it.” In fact, she hoped he wouldn’t.
Kurtis leaned back in his chair. So content. Could she really end things like this? No warning, no explanation …
“So, I’ve wanted to talk to you about something.” Lacy tested her voice. She should have warned him. Should have given him some hint of what was coming. She studied his face, the laugh crinkles around his eyes, the little bit of scruff on his chin, the soft jawline that made him look more like a first-grade teacher instead of a state trooper.
Her gut squeezed up, as if someone had clenched a fist around her stomach. She could get through this. She had to. It was for Kurtis. It was for the best.
“Daddy! Daddy!” The small, squeaky voice shot a searing pain through Lacy’s chest as Madeline rounded the corner and skidded to a stop by the table. “It’s skipping again.”
Kurtis scooped his daughter up in his lap and nuzzled his nose behind her ear. “My munchkin needs help with the DVD, huh?”
She stuck out her lower lip and pouted. “It skipped.”
“Well you know what that means, don’t you, Munchkin?” Kurtis winked mischievously at Lacy, who smiled through the gnawing emptiness in her heart. “That means you get to start over from the very beginning.”
Once realization set in, Madeline’s eyes widened in delight. “Really?”
“You heard me.”
She almost jumped off his lap, but then she eyed his plate. “Can I try a bite of fish first?”
He shook his head. “Miss Jo made a special adult dinner tonight. This is just for us.”
She pouted and wrinkled her nose. “Does it have peanuts? Is that why I don’t get any?”
“No.” Kurtis gave Madeline a pat on the bottom and set her down. “But now go eat your chicken nuggets like a big girl, ok?”
Madeline scurried back down the hall. Kurtis had already changed her into her footed pajamas in case she fell asleep on Lacy’s bed. It was the middle of summer, but the mosquitoes were so bad nobody in this part of Alaska dared to wear shorts even indoors.
Lacy watched as Madeline disappeared around the corner. Kurtis stared at the empty hall with a contented expression on his face. Lacy had never known a more attentive father. In fact, until she met Kurtis at the daycare, she had imagined they were mostly figments of overactive imaginations or literary archetypes.
He turned his eyes back on her. Kind eyes. Eyes that would in a moment or two betray sadness, shock, grief. How could she endure the next five minutes? Would he try to change her mind? She had never seen him angry before, not even after her co-worker Kim accidentally gave Madeline a granola bar with peanuts in it at the daycare. Kurtis was away on a domestic violence call when it happened, but when he got back, he assured Kim it was only a mistake. Then, to thank Lacy for her quick use of the EpiPen, he asked her out on their first date.
“This salmon was fabulous,” Kurtis declared. “A perfect dinner.” He leaned forward, stroking Lacy’s cheek with his finger. “Everything you do is perfect.”
If only he knew. If only he realized why Lacy had spent so much time on tonight’s meal. In the past four years since she moved to Glennallen, she had learned cooking could be therapeutic to numb her mind from painful memories. It could be utilitarian to provide meals for two dozen daycare kids as cheaply and healthily as possible. Now, she realized cooking could also be a way to say good-bye.
“So, what’s the big news?” he asked after taking a sip of sparkling cider. She had thrown it into her cart at Puck’s grocery store at the last minute. Now, she regretted it. She regretted inviting Kurtis and Madeline over for dinner. Maybe she should wait. She could call him and tell him by phone. That way she wouldn’t have to see his face, didn’t have to watch the way his laughing eyes brimmed over with hurt. Betrayal. It would be easier that way, at least for her. Easier if she didn’t have to watch him react.
No. She was a grown woman. She couldn’t wimp out. She had stalled too long. She had to get it over with. Get on with her life.
“I’m moving.” The words fell flat. If she were still involved in theater, any decent director would make her redo that line. But she couldn’t do theater anymore. No drama, no voice lessons, nothing from her former life.
Kurtis set his cider goblet down slowly. Tenderly. He no longer smiled, but his eyes were still so soft. So compassionate. From their first date on, she had known he was the kind of man who would understand. If she had told him everything, he would have found the right words to say. Would have helped carry the loneliness that had been thrust on her four years ago.
“Moving?” He licked his lip. “Wow, that’s … Well, I mean, that sounds like an adventure. When?”
“The end of summer,” she answered.
His smile was forced, but it didn’t waver. “What are you going to be doing?”
There was a reason she didn’t know her plans yet. It was so she couldn’t give him any clues. She couldn’t have him following after her. Some people used the word uprooted to talk about moving. With Lacy, it was more like splattering paints onto a canvas until there was no way to tell what hid beneath all the layers.
She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. Why had she thought she could get through this? He was right there, with just a foot between them. She could reach out, sob the entire story into his shoulder. He was strong enough to take that burden from her. But she couldn’t ask him to. It was impossible.
As impossible as good-bye.
“I might go back to school.” It wasn’t a lie. She had thought of giving college another try. Had thought about it for the past four years.
He swallowed. “That’s … that’s amazing. Good for you. I always told you that you could be anything. Do you know what …”
“I can’t see you anymore.” She blurted out the words as fervently as she would have clutched at a life saver if she were drowning in the Copper River. She let the words topple out of her, gaining momentum as they spilled out. She watched her message snowball and take force, gaining speed until full realization punched him in the face.
Kurtis scrunched up his nose. His expression revealed shock, everything except for his eyes. There was no surprise there. No anger. Just the sadness. The incurable hurt of Lacy’s betrayal.
“Is it him?” he asked. “Is it Raphael?”
Lacy regretted ever telling Kurtis about him. She should have known better. “No. It has nothing to do with him.”
In a way, that was true. But in on the other hand …
Kurtis took a slow sip of cider. She wanted to jump up from the table and refill his glass. Anything so she wouldn’t have to see his reaction. From down the hall, chipper music from Madeline’s movie waltzed uninvited into the dining room.
“I’m sorry,” Lacy whispered. If only she could tell him the truth. He would understand. The temptation to reveal everything clung to her limbs, like dead weight in a marshy bog.
He stood up.
“What are you doing?”
He punched buttons on his phone without responding. She wanted to stand, too. Wanted the memory of being with him one last time. Feeling his strong arms surround her. He was a trooper. A protector at heart. She shut her eyes, remembering the feel of their first embrace. Stinging hot memories mingled in her gut, and she wanted to run to him. Forget life had existed before they met.
But she couldn’t. Instead, she sat motionless while Kurtis scowled into his phone.
“What are you doing?” she repeated.
He held out his cell. “I want you to see something.” His voice was still soft, but there was a restrained tremor behind it. “Do you know what this is?”
Lacy averted her eyes as soon as she saw the picture. This wasn’t really happening. This couldn’t be happening.
“Do you remember when I went to Anchorage a few weekends ago?”
“I remember.”
No. No, this couldn’t be. This wasn’t real.
“I didn’t tell you what I was shopping for.” He brought the phone closer to her face. “This is for you. The jeweler is resizing it. I just have to go pick it up.”
She shook her head. No. If she could have disappeared by sheer force of will, she would have.
“I love you, Jo.” He dropped to his knee in front of her chair, still holding out the screen to show the glistening white gold band in its black velvet case. “I was waiting for the Fourth of July, for the salmon feed. Now hear me out. I know that your mind is set to move, and you know I’d rather die than try to stand in the way of your goals. I’m not going to beg or anything. But listen. I’ve only got six more months until my placement in Glennallen is up. That’s not very long. Then wherever you are, I want you to let me join you. Start a new life together.”
A single hot tear slipped down her cheek like melted crayon wax, searing her skin. She didn’t wipe it away. How many times could her heart break before it shattered into a pile of shards, never able to heal again?
“I don’t need an answer now.” He put his hand on her knee. She wanted to grab it, wanted to beg him to whisk her away to an imaginary place where pain from the past could never reach her.
She remained immobile.
“Promise me you’ll think about it.” He tilted up her chin and gave her a small kiss as he stood. He cleared his throat. “Munchkin!” he shouted down the hall.
Madeline scurried toward them, looking adorably plump and squishable in her pink pajamas. “Time for dessert?” she piped.
Kurtis didn’t meet Lacy’s gaze, didn’t acknowledge her silent pleading. Forgive me.
“Give Miss Jo a hug good-night.”
Lacy knew the sound of Kurtis’s tight voice would haunt her dreams.
“But my movie isn’t over,” Madeline whined.
“You can watch another one at home,” he mumbled. It was enough to mollify his daughter. Madeline spread out her arms so Lacy could pick her up for a hug.
Please forgive me. The words stuck in Lacy’s throat. She caught Kurtis’s eyes for a fleeting second, recognized the piercing pain that stabbed searing hot into her heart as well.
“Thank you for dinner.” He was either braver than she was or a better actor, because he managed a faint smile.
“Wait,” Madeline protested. “You haven’t kissed her yet.”
Kurtis glanced awkwardly at Lacy. Slowly reached his hands out. Lacy’s feet steadily closed the distance between them. He wiped her cheek with his thumb and brought his lips close. “Good-bye,” he whispered.
She didn’t have the breath to answer back.
“That wasn’t a very good one,” Madeline announced with a pout.
“Come on, Munchkin.” Kurtis caught his daughter and swung her into his arms. “Let’s go home.”
- Writer
