Kissed by Fire (Book 5 of Wolves of Milano)

8.Insomnia and nightmares

He just shifted for the first time! His birthday was yesterday and he can still see his father’s disappointed face, because the shift didn’t happen right then. He’s not going to dwell on that. He did it today. He’s not broken. He has his wolf and they will be an awesome team. He’s in wolf form, jumping all over his room. The attic is great for this. Nobody can see him here. He strolls to the window to look out. He wonders what the garden looks like through wolf's eyes.

There is a man down there. He’s arguing with his mother. The guy looks angry. He can’t make out the words. Wasn’t wolf hearing supposed to be better? Is the distance to blame? Should he go down there? What could he do anyway? Show support to his mother? He had two lessons in self defence till now, he’s practically useless.

‘As a human, yes.’ His wolf chuckles. The sound is unnerving. He had never heard his wolf talk before. He knows you can communicate with the animal part after your first shift, but he never asked how that works.

‘Suggestions?’ He asks. Not sure that this is a good idea. What does the wolf part know? He didn’t exist a few hours ago.

‘You really think that? And yes, I can hear your thoughts.’ The wolf responds.

‘I feel like that man down there is wrong. He shouldn’t be here.’ He says quietly.

‘You don’t have to whisper inside your own head. Nobody can hear it, but me.’ The wolf scoffs. ‘I know that man doesn’t belong. He’s not pack.’

‘We can creep down the stairs and through the kitchen. The latch on the back door is broken. That is a way out.’ He tells the wolf.

‘Mom is in danger.’ The wolf growls. That sound can be heard. It’s quiet though. The man outside probably didn’t hear it. The argument with his mother is loud.

The blood is all over. He can taste it… He can see it. It shines bright red in the sun.

Mateo wakes up with a gasp. The damn dream is back. He shudders from the taste of blood in his mouth. Lyana is still asleep next to him. He sneaks into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Why is he dreaming about that guy again? Why is his first shift important? The dream always starts with that. With that one moment of pure joy. It got ruined at the same time. Why did he let his wolf take over? Being young is no excuse.

‘Don’t blame me. I’m not responsible for that one. I can’t influence your dreams.’ His wolf scoffs.

‘Did I wake you? Or the dream?’ Mateo asks the wolf.

‘The dream. I don’t see the point of revisiting that day all over. What’s done is done. You can’t change it, anyway.’ The wolf shrugs.

Mateo is happy that they can have a semi-normal conversation. The shifting helped. The wolf is calmer and almost normal after running around the park a few times. The safe room was to contain the wolf, but just a simple run made him happy. The animal is still plotting his father’s death, but so is Mateo. The guy needs to die. The question is how? The wolf would just kill him, but they have to get rid of the body. Maybe some closure for mom would not be bad either. He knows she never loved Vito, but why should she suffer if he could prevent it?

He knows that sleep is ruined for him tonight. He can’t go back to bed. Every time he closes his eyes, the blood is there. Bright and red in the sun. He wishes he could forget that. He wishes he could use his own magic on himself. But that is impossible. He tried as a teenager. It backfired so badly, he saw stars for a week. It would be a fun anecdote if he had anyone to tell it to. Maybe in time, he finds the right words to explain everything to Lyana. He still doesn’t know what to tell her. Where to start? Her deadline is running out, and he has no plan whatsoever.

Getting some work done might be better than thinking. He gets the laptop and a glass of water. He wishes for something stronger, but they don’t have anything. Lyana hates alcohol, so he doesn’t bring it here. A beer every now and then, but he knows she would throw those bottles out if she could. It was not his plan to agitate her, so he stopped buying beer. The book is just sitting there. He knows he should edit the hell out of it and get it to his editor as soon as possible. The guy liked it. It will be published. But the joy of seeing his works on the bookshelves in the bookstore has passed. He lost interest in it, just like he did with everything else. Why can’t he just stick to one thing? He writes to escape reality, to calm down, to get things out of his head. To kill time. That is the main reason. He needs to do something, besides stare at Lyana sleeping. He feels like a creep watching her.

There is still the issue of his father. What to do with him? He can’t outright kill him, no matter how badly he wishes to do it. Even if he lets his wolf do the dirty work, he will have to live with it. That first kill was bad enough to haunt him for life. He doesn't have the energy for more nightmares. But something needs to be done. He can’t have Vito locked up for life. Planning an accident is the smart thing to do. How to execute it? Where? When? It just sounds like another crime book. He can write a book about it, but can he pull it off in real life? Should he? He agreed to talk to Elio. Can he trust the guy?

Why does he have more questions than answers? They just keep piling up. Each question breeds a few more. He can drive himself crazy by speculating. He needs a solution. And he needs it fast. He wants his house Vito free. He wants to enjoy the mansion. He wants to have Lyana there. And he needs to keep her. He has to tell her something. Just how? He can write a book in a week, but he can’t find the right words when he’s talking to her. He is afraid of losing her, but the silence doesn’t help. It just made things worse. He can understand where she’s at, but he doesn’t see a way out of it. Whatever he decides to tell her might be the tipping point for her to dump his ass and leave him.

He’s not scared of much, but Lyana leaving him scares him to no end. Luckily, his wolf is sound asleep, or he would never hear the end of that. They should be best friends and support each other, but most of the time they are best enemies. The wolf fights him for dominance and control of the body they share. The magic is easy to lock away, the wolf not so much. If the beast ever gained access to the magic, he would be just a footnote in his own life. As a new wolf, just after his first shift, the magic was not so strong yet. He didn’t know half the things he was capable of. But the wolf did. Somehow, his other part knew just what they were capable of doing.

Mateo learned control and locked the magic away. Little tricks are beneath him, and the big stuff scares him. He is afraid of losing control and messing up something big. He’s not entirely sure that taking his mother’s memories was done right. She became weird after that. She was distracted and absent-minded most of the time. But that could have been his father’s fault. Vito never treated her kindly. After learning that his parents had a political marriage, he understood her better. It’s still no excuse to ignore your own children, but he didn’t resent her for doing it.

What he did resent was her calls at all hours. She never let him speak, she just ranted about everything. Like he was her personal diary. He learned to tune her out and let her speak. He said goodbye when she did, not knowing if she heard that or not.

He checks the trading sites for news. He predicted right. He sold the shares in the Currier de la Rome just at the right moment. The big announcement came late last night. He smiles at his own reflection on the screen. Another good call that saved him a few million. He can just shut the computer off, his work is done for the month. But what to do when he can’t sleep? He could edit the book. But, is he in the right mind for that? He is liable to scrap the thing. It wouldn’t be the first time, but he had already promised this one to his editor.

Mateo runs the book through the program he wrote himself. It’s just a simple add-on to check for spelling mistakes. He used the online database for the Oxford dictionary and improved the spellchecking in Word. His tool uses a wider base and includes suggestions. He might sell it one day, he just has to play with it some more. Make it better, and easier to use. He tinkers with the book and has it ready by morning. His editor will be thrilled to get it before the deadline. The other deadline that is hanging above his head, will be much harder to meet. He can’t think of anything good to tell Lyana.

“Can’t sleep?” She says and surprises him. Was he so deep in thought that she snuck up on him? How?

“No. Do you want breakfast? I can make it for you.” He offers.

“Sure.” She nods at him. “But you better get that checked. I can give you the number of a doctor at the hospital. She’s a bear. She knows how to be discreet,” Lyana tells him.

“I’ll think about it. Thank you.” Mateo kisses her in passing. He would want nothing more than to throw her over his shoulder and march her back to the bedroom, but she would be late for work, and he can’t use that much magic again so soon. So he gets his ass over to the kitchen to prepare her breakfast just the way she likes it. He knows what she worries about, but without him telling her the truth, he can’t tell her why he can’t sleep. He figured it out. It’s not just his nightmares, it’s the bond he keeps back. It’s fighting his magic and one of these days, he will lose.