Impressions of Theophrastus Such

The Watch-dog of Knowledge

Mordax is an admirable man, ardent in intellectual work,

public-spirited, affectionate, and able to find the right words in

conveying ingenious ideas or elevated feeling. Pity that to all these

graces he cannot add what would give them the utmost finish--the

occasional admission that he has been in the wrong, the occasional frank

welcome of a new idea as something not before present to his mind! But

no: Mordax's self-respect seems to be of that fiery quality which

demands that none but the monarchs of thought shall have an advantage

over him, and in the presence of contradiction or the threat of having

his notions corrected, he becomes astonishingly unscrupulous and cruel

for so kindly and conscientious a man.

"You are fond of attributing those fine qualities to Mordax," said

Acer, the other day, "but I have not much belief in virtues that are

always requiring to be asserted in spite of appearances against them.

True fairness and goodwill show themselves precisely where his are

conspicuously absent. I mean, in recognising claims which the rest of

the world are not likely to stand up for. It does not need much love of

truth and justice in me to say that Aldebaran is a bright star, or Isaac

Newton the greatest of discoverers; nor much kindliness in me to want my

notes to be heard above the rest in a chorus of hallelujahs to one

already crowned. It is my way to apply tests. Does the man who has the

ear of the public use his advantage tenderly towards poor fellows who

may be hindered of their due if he treats their pretensions with scorn?

That is my test of his justice and benevolence."

My answer was, that his system of moral tests might be as delusive as

what ignorant people take to be tests of intellect and learning. If the

scholar or _savant_ cannot answer their haphazard questions on the

shortest notice, their belief in his capacity is shaken. But the

better-informed have given up the Johnsonian theory of mind as a pair of

legs able to walk east or west according to choice. Intellect is no

longer taken to be a ready-made dose of ability to attain eminence (or

mediocrity) in all departments; it is even admitted that application in

one line of study or practice has often a laming effect in other

directions, and that an intellectual quality or special facility which

is a furtherance in one medium of effort is a drag in another. We have

convinced ourselves by this time that a man may be a sage in celestial

physics and a poor creature in the purchase of seed-corn, or even in

theorising about the affections; that he may be a mere fumbler in

physiology and yet show a keen insight into human motives; that he may

seem the "poor Poll" of the company in conversation and yet write with

some humorous vigour. It is not true that a man's intellectual power is

like the strength of a timber beam, to be measured by its weakest point.

Why should we any more apply that fallacious standard of what is called

consistency to a man's moral nature, and argue against the existence of

fine impulses or habits of feeling in relation to his actions

generally, because those better movements are absent in a class of cases

which act peculiarly on an irritable form of his egoism? The mistake

might be corrected by our taking notice that the ungenerous words or

acts which seem to us the most utterly incompatible with good

dispositions in the offender, are those which offend ourselves. All

other persons are able to draw a milder conclusion. Laniger, who has a

temper but no talent for repartee, having been run down in a fierce way

by Mordax, is inwardly persuaded that the highly-lauded man is a wolf at

heart: he is much tried by perceiving that his own friends seem to think

no worse of the reckless assailant than they did before; and Corvus, who

has lately been flattered by some kindness from Mordax, is unmindful

enough of Laniger's feeling to dwell on this instance of good-nature

with admiring gratitude. There is a fable that when the badger had been

stung all over by bees, a bear consoled him by a rhapsodic account of

how he himself had just breakfasted on their honey. The badger replied,

peevishly, "The stings are in my flesh, and the sweetness is on your

muzzle." The bear, it is said, was surprised at the badger's want of

altruism.

But this difference of sensibility between Laniger and his friends only

mirrors in a faint way the difference between his own point of view and

that of the man who has injured him. If those neutral, perhaps even

affectionate persons, form no lively conception of what Laniger suffers,

how should Mordax have any such sympathetic imagination to check him in

what he persuades himself is a scourging administered by the qualified

man to the unqualified? Depend upon it, his conscience, though active

enough in some relations, has never given him a twinge because of his

polemical rudeness and even brutality. He would go from the room where

he has been tiring himself through the watches of the night in lifting

and turning a sick friend, and straightway write a reply or rejoinder in

which he mercilessly pilloried a Laniger who had supposed that he could

tell the world something else or more than had been sanctioned by the

eminent Mordax--and what was worse, had sometimes really done so. Does

this nullify the genuineness of motive which made him tender to his

suffering friend? Not at all. It only proves that his arrogant egoism,

set on fire, sends up smoke and flame where just before there had been

the dews of fellowship and pity. He is angry and equips himself

accordingly--with a penknife to give the offender a _comprachico_

countenance, a mirror to show him the effect, and a pair of nailed boots

to give him his dismissal. All this to teach him who the Romans really

were, and to purge Inquiry of incompetent intrusion, so rendering an

important service to mankind.

When a man is in a rage and wants to hurt another in consequence, he can

always regard himself as the civil arm of a spiritual power, and all the

more easily because there is real need to assert the righteous efficacy

of indignation. I for my part feel with the Lanigers, and should object

all the more to their or my being lacerated and dressed with salt, if

the administrator of such torture alleged as a motive his care for Truth

and posterity, and got himself pictured with a halo in consequence. In

transactions between fellow-men it is well to consider a little, in the

first place, what is fair and kind towards the person immediately

concerned, before we spit and roast him on behalf of the next century

but one. Wide-reaching motives, blessed and glorious as they are, and of

the highest sacramental virtue, have their dangers, like all else that

touches the mixed life of the earth. They are archangels with awful brow

and flaming sword, summoning and encouraging us to do the right and the

divinely heroic, and we feel a beneficent tremor in their presence; but

to learn what it is they thus summon us to do, we have to consider the

mortals we are elbowing, who are of our own stature and our own

appetites. I cannot feel sure how my voting will affect the condition of

Central Asia in the coming ages, but I have good reason to believe that

the future populations there will be none the worse off because I

abstain from conjectural vilification of my opponents during the present

parliamentary session, and I am very sure that I shall be less injurious

to my contemporaries. On the whole, and in the vast majority of

instances, the action by which we can do the best for future ages is of

the sort which has a certain beneficence and grace for contemporaries. A

sour father may reform prisons, but considered in his sourness he does

harm. The deed of Judas has been attributed to far-reaching views, and

the wish to hasten his Master's declaration of himself as the Messiah.

Perhaps--I will not maintain the contrary--Judas represented his motive

in this way, and felt justified in his traitorous kiss; but my belief

that he deserved, metaphorically speaking, to be where Dante saw him, at

the bottom of the Malebolge, would not be the less strong because he was

not convinced that his action was detestable. I refuse to accept a man

who has the stomach for such treachery, as a hero impatient for the

redemption of mankind and for the beginning of a reign when the kisses

shall be those of peace and righteousness.

All this is by the way, to show that my apology for Mordax was not

founded on his persuasion of superiority in his own motives, but on the

compatibility of unfair, equivocal, and even cruel actions with a nature

which, apart from special temptations, is kindly and generous; and also

to enforce the need of checks from a fellow-feeling with those whom our

acts immediately (not distantly) concern. Will any one be so hardy as to

maintain that an otherwise worthy man cannot be vain and arrogant? I

think most of us have some interest in arguing the contrary. And it is

of the nature of vanity and arrogance, if unchecked, to become cruel and

self-justifying. There are fierce beasts within: chain them, chain them,

and let them learn to cower before the creature with wider reason. This

is what one wishes for Mordax--that his heart and brain should restrain

the outleap of roar and talons.

As to his unwillingness to admit that an idea which he has not

discovered is novel to him, one is surprised that quick intellect and

shrewd observation do not early gather reasons for being ashamed of a

mental trick which makes one among the comic parts of that various actor

Conceited Ignorance.

I have a sort of valet and factotum, an excellent, respectable servant,

whose spelling is so unvitiated by non-phonetic superfluities that he

writes _night_ as _nit_. One day, looking over his accounts, I said to

him jocosely, "You are in the latest fashion with your spelling, Pummel:

most people spell "night" with a _gh_ between the _i_ and the _t_, but

the greatest scholars now spell it as you do." "So I suppose, sir,"

says Pummel; "I've see it with a _gh_, but I've noways give into that

myself." You would never catch Pummel in an interjection of surprise. I

have sometimes laid traps for his astonishment, but he has escaped them

all, either by a respectful neutrality, as of one who would not appear

to notice that his master had been taking too much wine, or else by that

strong persuasion of his all-knowingness which makes it simply

impossible for him to feel himself newly informed. If I tell him that

the world is spinning round and along like a top, and that he is

spinning with it, he says, "Yes, I've heard a deal of that in my time,

sir," and lifts the horizontal lines of his brow a little higher,

balancing his head from side to side as if it were too painfully full.

Whether I tell him that they cook puppies in China, that there are ducks

with fur coats in Australia, or that in some parts of the world it is

the pink of politeness to put your tongue out on introduction to a

respectable stranger, Pummel replies, "So I suppose, sir," with an air

of resignation to hearing my poor version of well-known things, such as

elders use in listening to lively boys lately presented with an

anecdote book. His utmost concession is, that what you state is what he

would have supplied if you had given him _carte blanche_ instead of your

needless instruction, and in this sense his favourite answer is, "I

should say."

"Pummel," I observed, a little irritated at not getting my coffee, "if

you were to carry your kettle and spirits of wine up a mountain of a

morning, your water would boil there sooner." "I should say, sir." "Or,

there are boiling springs in Iceland. Better go to Iceland." "That's

what I've been thinking, sir."

I have taken to asking him hard questions, and as I expected, he never

admits his own inability to answer them without representing it as

common to the human race. "What is the cause of the tides, Pummel?"

"Well, sir, nobody rightly knows. Many gives their opinion, but if I

was to give mine, it 'ud be different."

But while he is never surprised himself, he is constantly imagining

situations of surprise for others. His own consciousness is that of one

so thoroughly soaked in knowledge that further absorption is

impossible, but his neighbours appear to him to be in the state of

thirsty sponges which it is a charity to besprinkle. His great

interest in thinking of foreigners is that they must be surprised at

what they see in England, and especially at the beef. He is often

occupied with the surprise Adam must have felt at the sight of the

assembled animals--"for he was not like us, sir, used from a b'y to

Wombwell's shows." He is fond of discoursing to the lad who acts as

shoe-black and general subaltern, and I have overheard him saying to

that small upstart, with some severity, "Now don't you pretend to know,

because the more you pretend the more I see your ignirance"--a lucidity

on his part which has confirmed my impression that the thoroughly

self-satisfied person is the only one fully to appreciate the charm of

humility in others.

Your diffident self-suspecting mortal is not very angry that others

should feel more comfortable about themselves, provided they are not

otherwise offensive: he is rather like the chilly person, glad to sit

next a warmer neighbour; or the timid, glad to have a courageous

fellow-traveller. It cheers him to observe the store of small comforts

that his fellow-creatures may find in their self-complacency, just as

one is pleased to see poor old souls soothed by the tobacco and snuff

for which one has neither nose nor stomach oneself.

But your arrogant man will not tolerate a presumption which he sees to

be ill-founded. The service he regards society as most in need of is to

put down the conceit which is so particularly rife around him that he is

inclined to believe it the growing characteristic of the present age. In

the schools of Magna Graecia, or in the sixth century of our era, or

even under Kublai Khan, he finds a comparative freedom from that

presumption by which his contemporaries are stirring his able gall. The

way people will now flaunt notions which are not his without appearing

to mind that they are not his, strikes him as especially disgusting. It

might seem surprising to us that one strongly convinced of his own value

should prefer to exalt an age in which _he_ did not flourish, if it were

not for the reflection that the present age is the only one in which

anybody has appeared to undervalue him.