Lycan My Crush

Chapter 8: Can’t We Just Talk?

Backpack? Check. Cute polka-dot outfit? Check. Dwindling sense of self-confidence? Triple check. I stare at my reflection in the mirror realizing that there is no way I am going to shake this nausea riling my insides. All looking in the mirror proves is that I look cute on the outside and feel terrible on the inside.

What happened in the café yesterday with Felix is still on social media. My mom was able to tamp down a lot of the rumors that started not only on campus, but also in the media. She even added that I needed to stay away from that café for at least a month, but I can't help myself.

I owe it to Felix to apologize face-to-face, which is what I intend to do today. I can't chicken out and I can't leave things the way they were. I probably put more of a target on his back than what he already has with him being a Lycan.

The curse of being a public figure.

I make sure to lock my apartment and leave the complex, making my way quickly to the café. My mind won't let me concentrate on the music and instead fills the silence with insecurities.

Will he even want to see me? Will he talk to me? Is Felix mad because of what happened? Well, that one is an easy question to answer. I'm mad because of what happened. Not only had all of those people ruined a perfectly good afternoon almost date with my ultimate crush, but they also put Felix in an unnecessary spotlight.

I feel sick and try to focus on my feet and the pavement making small crunching sounds under my white tennis shoes. This doesn't help. All I can think of now is how he kept averting his eyes, avoiding eye contact with me, after the conversation ended.

I hope he will forgive me. Does he recognize me from middle school? Or does he recognize me from my fame in high school? I'm not sure which one was worse honestly. What I did know is that I'm almost at the café, and I have no idea what I want to say to Felix other than “sorry."

I decide there is no harm in improvising and no sense in worrying when I don't know what his reaction to seeing me is going to be. I step into the coffee house, nearly colliding with a couple of girls with drinks in their hands, and survey the scene. There are a few people inside sitting and studying on their own, but there is an immensely long line practically backing out of the door.

Shoot.

This waiting is doing my nerves absolutely no good. I look toward the back and feel my heart seize as I spot Felix behind the counter. He is making the orders instead of taking them, but there is a brief moment when he turns and sets the drink on the counter.

I can use that to my advantage.

I wait in the agonizingly slow line, brain still unwilling to come up with any kind of proper apology, until I blink and suddenly I'm at the front of the line face-to-face with the same sweet female barista who came up with the first drink I had.

“Well, hello Shania! Welcome back. Same thing as before? Tres leches cinnamon dolce?" she asks, her tone chirpy and friendly.

“Um… yeah, that would be great, thanks," I reply. At the mention of my name, I see Felix's head twitch. I see him glance over his shoulder at me. There is the same rigidness to his body as before. I know already I'm in trouble.

Panicked, I try to come up with something to say to him other than a piddly small sorry. My mind once again fails me as I step, seemingly in slow motion, off to the side to the part of the counter where Felix is starting to place my drink. For whatever reason, another lyric pops into my head.

~Stop me from falling, or else I'll be drawing my last breath to say your name. ~

My cup is on the counter. Felix is turning away. I take a breath and let the words pour out.

“Felix," I say. He freezes and looks into my eyes. I almost freeze under his pale, icy-blue gaze, but I force the rest of the words out. “I… I just wanted to apologize… for yesterday." Felix looks unsure for a second. He looks like he's in between debates and, finally, one of them wins out.

“Kaylee, I need to step off for a second. You good?" asks Felix. The girl, Kaylee, nods reluctantly and I swear I see her roll her eyes slightly at him. I'll remember that next time she wants to be friendly.

Felix steps out from behind the counter and heads off to one of the side tables. I leave the drink and follow, stepping off to the side, but still in plain view of the other customers. He folds his arms defensively, but not threateningly, as if he were getting ready to deliver some kind of bad news.

Already, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I know what he's going to say until I see him smile thoughtfully and look up into my eyes. My heart skips a few beats, making me shiver involuntarily. I hope he doesn't notice as he looks me in the eye that I'm nervous.

“Shania, you didn't have to come here to apologize. Actually, I'm the one who should be sorry. I… should've been more careful," says Felix. There's a sadness in his country twang tone that absolutely destroys me. I almost scoff disbelievingly.

“You? You should've been more careful?" I ask quietly, more to myself than him. “No. I can't let you take the hit for that. It's my fault. I'm sor…"

“Shania, I should've been more careful. I… I don't know what you know about me, but… I… I'm a Lycan. I have Lycanthropy," says Felix, keeping his voice hushed and his arms folded across his chest as if he were holding himself to brace for my reaction. The look on his face is like he confessed to murder or some other crime against humanity by being a Lycan. When I say nothing, he continues. “Being what I am, I need to be aware that whoever I'm nearby could be affected."

I want to say something, but my words are getting caught in my throat and freezing my thoughts, throwing me in a bind like a gear that's fallen out of alignment. I see him start to step away and, finally, my voice comes back to me.

“Felix, I don't think that's fair to you. You can't take all the blame for yourself like that," I say softly. “People don't know about your Lycanthropy, but they know about me. I didn't mean to pull you into the spotlight like that."

He looks at me as if he's trying to read my mind for several seconds before exhaling shakily.

“Look, I… I appreciate what it is you're saying. I just think it would be simpler if you didn't have to deal with the negative publicity," says Felix. I see the disappointment in his eyes as he continues. “I think it would be best if you didn't see me and stayed away. Please, I don't want your reputation to be ruined because of me."

I laugh lightly and shake my head, wanting to lighten the mood.

“Feels like an 'it's not you, it's me,' conversation. Am I really that bad to talk to?" I chuckle. I look into his eyes and see he's visibly hurt.

“No, you're actually one of the nicest people I've talked to in a long time," says Felix thoughtfully as he looks into my eyes. I'm swept away by his icy blue gaze. A pleasant shiver runs down my spine just looking at his face. It breaks my heart when he says, “Please go. Don't let me hurt you."

I nod mechanically, throat constricting and threatening to make me choke up on my next few words. I hear the girl, Kaylee, call Felix back. He looks me in the eye once more before saying goodbye and leaves me standing there on my own while he starts working again.

I stand there for a few minutes until I turn around, forgetting to grab my coffee, and walk out of the café. The tightness in my chest makes me feel like I'm being crushed under immense weight. It feels like my mind is racing, but there's no one thought going through my head.

I want to go back and tell him that there's no chance that I'm going to stop and that I've had a crush on him since forever, but I don't. Instead, I keep walking, trudging back to my apartment. I won't get anything else done for the rest of the night. Instead, I'm going to binge a show on the internet and curse myself for being a coward.

I have a sneaky feeling I'll see him again, but that will have to wait. For now, I intend to drown my sorrows in a tub of ice cream.